Leaderboard

I think this is absolutely true. Although Mr/Mrs Van are swingers and their friends, while not swingers, are certainly Lifestyle-aware for lack of a better term, I don't think the path forward must lie in some sort of swinging or polyamory solution. In fact, insisting on looking for an answer there could very likely make things worse. I believe that the first hurdle one must clear when faced with any betrayal of trust or deep disappointment from someone you love is to truly accept that things have changed no matter how badly you wish things would have remained the way they were. That does not mean that when all is said and done, the overall sum of the change can't be positive though. Some areas of the relationship may have suffered a setback, but others may have improved leading to an overall stronger relationship. Some relationships make it through a stress test and come out stronger on the other side, but sadly some don't come out at all. But, I think the one's that do become stronger are the one's where both parties involved come to grips early on that things have changed from the way they were and that for there to be hope of success, everyone most focus their efforts on moving forward to a different place, not move backwards in a futile attempt to recreate exactly what was there before. In this case, achieving this is going to be twice as hard. Not only are Mr. and Mrs. Van trying to find their way forward with their relationship, they both are wanting to maintain the friendship the way it was. I think that you both already have a great start on working through this in your own relationship with your open communication, honesty, etc. What I think you are going to find much more difficult is maintaining the friendship in the way it was before while strengthening your own. That may be an impossible expectation to meet, and although it's hard to accept the loss or reduction of true friendship, you have to balance what the costs of continuing to pursue that will be to your own relationship and personal happiness. Good luck to all of you in working through this.

Hi Van, and Mrs. Van. There is obviously a lot of longing and anxiety here. I don't know you, but I am really sorry that any of you are experiencing these types of feelings. It seems like love should bring warmth and happiness. Instead sometimes it brings feelings of fear and painful longing. That being said, I guess at a time like this when your head is buzzing and you can't believe you all have to just be in this holding pattern, it's important to start from the things that are kind of immovable. For one, since your friends have company it is up to the other lady to find any time to really communicate with you. If she doesn't, there's not much you can do about it. Another thing is that whatever rules her husband lays down, you have to respect not only the letter of, but the meaning of, i.e. between the lines. The "no unsupervised visits" thing says loudly and clearly to me that he is afraid of what would happen if you were alone with his wife. Sexually or emotionally or both, he feels threatened enough that he has to be there whenever you're with her. This is not a good sign. Maybe he'll get over it, but if he doesn't then he is basically saying "she's mine and you're not going to have any part of her". Also, Mrs. Van is struggling with this. This means that first and foremost, you have to do whatever you need to do to reassure her she is not losing you, that you are committed to her emotionally, even if not exclusively. But she has to know that she can still count on you for all the things she has in the past. That whatever you feel for someone else, it doesn't interfere with the love and devotion you feel for her. This is tough for most people to figure out and to believe. You've had a while to get your head around the idea of loving more than one, and how that can enrich everyone's life as opposed to taking away from it. I can't really help with this, as these are ideas I was imbued with as a teenager by reading a bunch of books by Robert A. Heinlein (Time Enough for Love, Stranger in a Strange Land, Number of the Beast and more). It has always seemed natural for me. The key is that all the primaries know they are still primary, that 20, 30, 40 years from now, their love will still love them regardless of this other relationship. You'll still take care of her when she gets sick. You'll still hold her when life deals her a blow. You'll still BE there. This mindset is so hard for people to get. And truthfully, not everyone is built that way. If they come around, it will take time. I really hope that your relationships all navigate these waters. It is quite possible, with lots of nurturing, but only if everyone is accepting of what is happening and wants happiness for all, in whatever form that happens. I also hope that you and the other three all get to air your feelings with honest and positive-attitude discussions. Finally, I know it's hard to wait. That's really tough to handle when all you want to do is deal with this important thing in your life. The only thing I can say is to try to think about how things might be six months from now, and how to best deliberately get there. Letting something happen too quickly would probably not help. I hope you keep coming back and posting.

Hi, this is Petra. As someone in a poly situation, I can understand the conflicted emotions you are feeling; I hope it all works out. But don't beat yourself too much - remember that none of us can control who we have sexual urges for, become infatuated with, or fall in love with. I have often been the odd person out on this board when it comes to advice in these situations, so take my perspective as the exception and not the norm. But I suggest you don't run from your feelings, your situation, rather embrace it. It may not be sex that is the primary force behind this, it may not be love - it could be puppy love, a mutual admiration thing, it doesn't matter. You have whatever feelings and dedication for your wife, regardless of your feelings for another. And if the love for your wife is not there, staying away from the other person won't change that. I know it is a lot to ask, but the best thing would be for your wife and the other husband to let this take its course, whether it is a non-sexual fling for 6 months or a lasting, committed loving and sexual relationship. If they can see this as an opportunity to multiply happiness rather than dividing it, they too will find a joy in what results. Unfortunately, it usually doesn't work out this way because people are pounded by society on how to act when someone is attracted to their partner. Folks in this place, on this board, have gotten over the sexual aspect of sharing, but are always drawing lines, have their rules. Take care.