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There is something very obvious going on in the seams of this thread. Incommunicado, along with those who have passionately replied, and re-replied have deep emotions about what has happened. Both with the Mrs. having a spectacular, albeit enviable time, and you Incommunicado in handling both your “free pass” and the results thereof. As one who has lost a wife, for what has been articulated to me as “I didn’t think you cared enough to get mad” resulting from a similarly granted “free pass” I would reluctantly like to step into this swamp to offer my perspective. What I see in your initial post is the ability to articulate the deep emotions you and your wife are sharing, as a result of… your sharing. Being able to communicate is paramount. You are finding that out now, what you were “granting”, was something different than what she interpreted you were granting with the “free pass”. You can’t un-ring a bell. Don’t try! The sage advice of not trying to become the gentleman your wife had her fling with, is excellent advice. Your wife married you. She is still married to you because she loves, and seeks desperately to understand you. All of you. You, my friend, need to be open to understanding yourself, and what you have in your relationship with her. She shared all the details, even her emotions about the wonderful evening she had, how she honored you, by being herself and using your “free pass” just as she interpreted it. You have to know, she could have hid all this from you, just told you about the time between the sheets. Instead she loves you. In expressing that love, she has the desire to share all of herself with you. You have done the same, only to find yourself struggling with yourself! Welcome to the world! Perhaps many of us here have discovered emotional parts of ourselves through this lifestyle that surprised us, and yes, probably even upset us. I say, go with your emotions, find some resolution for all this within yourself, then, and only then will you be able to find some resolution with your spouse. Discovery is not a bad thing, just ofttimes our ability to handle that which we’ve discovered is a real pain in the - - - !

The guy came here for advice on how to deal with his feelings. Instead he gets flamed harshly for expressing those feelings. There are way too many on this board who assume that everybody is at their level in swinging and assume everything is black and white. I'd bet my house that responses like this have scared away many couples contemplating swinging-and asking questions on this forum.

Im sure some will think Im harsh but here goes anyway. Grow up! You admitted that you two have played separately, you gave your wife a "hall pass" and as a caveat insisted she tell you about it if she found someone. She did, she did and she did and now your nose is out of joint. She had a good time! So what? It's just sex, she took a shower and its over. You can agonize over this till you seriously damage your relationship and ruin your wife's nice memories or you can grow up and move on. I didn't take a page and a half to analyze all the "ins and outs", I just went to what I see as the core of the problem...you.