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I think you hit on another point. Cheating is seen as a single event by most people, even though it rarely is. Swinging, even though most everything vanilla's think about swinging is completely wrong, is seen as a repeat "offense". So how could they possibly love each other, ergo, how could we possibly forgive/understand/defend them.

You asked for something that we probably can not provide, how to move past this. The genie was out of the bottle and really nothing can put it back. I think the best is you can do is take it as a lesson learned (as well as other readers). Be careful what you wish for as it may not be how you imagine. I'm sure many people with their first encounter feel that way as well..did not turn out as they thought. So one piece of advice I wanted to pass on is be careful about trying too hard on your vacation. It may come across as forced and just not make things any better.

There is something very obvious going on in the seams of this thread. Incommunicado, along with those who have passionately replied, and re-replied have deep emotions about what has happened. Both with the Mrs. having a spectacular, albeit enviable time, and you Incommunicado in handling both your “free pass” and the results thereof. As one who has lost a wife, for what has been articulated to me as “I didn’t think you cared enough to get mad” resulting from a similarly granted “free pass” I would reluctantly like to step into this swamp to offer my perspective. What I see in your initial post is the ability to articulate the deep emotions you and your wife are sharing, as a result of… your sharing. Being able to communicate is paramount. You are finding that out now, what you were “granting”, was something different than what she interpreted you were granting with the “free pass”. You can’t un-ring a bell. Don’t try! The sage advice of not trying to become the gentleman your wife had her fling with, is excellent advice. Your wife married you. She is still married to you because she loves, and seeks desperately to understand you. All of you. You, my friend, need to be open to understanding yourself, and what you have in your relationship with her. She shared all the details, even her emotions about the wonderful evening she had, how she honored you, by being herself and using your “free pass” just as she interpreted it. You have to know, she could have hid all this from you, just told you about the time between the sheets. Instead she loves you. In expressing that love, she has the desire to share all of herself with you. You have done the same, only to find yourself struggling with yourself! Welcome to the world! Perhaps many of us here have discovered emotional parts of ourselves through this lifestyle that surprised us, and yes, probably even upset us. I say, go with your emotions, find some resolution for all this within yourself, then, and only then will you be able to find some resolution with your spouse. Discovery is not a bad thing, just ofttimes our ability to handle that which we’ve discovered is a real pain in the - - - !

Unfortunately cheating is more accepted in the V world than is swinging. I think it is for a few reasons. There is a victim to relate too. It can be chalked up to someone making a mistake, rather than choice. Cheating is a symptom of a problem, which means it can be fixed - swingers can't be fixed Cheating has become so prevalent that people are no longer shocked by it, at least not as shocked as they are by swinging. Most people cannot wrap their brain around the fact that swingers can be committed to their spouse and still want to have sex with someone else I am sure there are more reasons, but that is more than enough