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Hi, this is Petra. I am a woman that voted "No." My husband and I are in a poly situation where both hubby and I have our respective lovers. Being intimate with another sexual partner has become so much of what I am, and what we are, that for him to just demand that I become monogamous (or for him to become monogamous) would represent such a change in his personality and our relationship that hubby would no longer be the man I know. Having said that an outright insistence on monogamy would be unacceptable doesn't mean that hubby is not my first priority. Before I had my one other sexual relationship besides my current bf, I discussed it with hubby and had his approval (actually, encouragement), as did he with the other girlfriends/play partners he has had. So if it were a matter of simple sex on the side the issue would be easy. Now that we both have deep feelings for other our lovers (and I for her as well), it would be extremely difficult if a dispute broke out between the guys or us girls and demands were made. Fortunately, that hasn't happened and actually the roles each of us have among the four, although very asymmetric, seem to be getting more solid as time goes on. Anyone else have this observation, that a demand for monogamy would make your spouse seem like a different person?

It's always difficult when you are in love with someone to have your perception of them shattered. You love your girlfriend, and you don't want to do this, but it's been made clear, without say as much, that this is a deal breaker in your relationship. If I were younger, I would tell you that "She can't stop doing it" is not true. That she's being selfish and prioritizing her desire for an open door policy over her commitment to you. That, this is one of those cases where it's not "you would if you loved me," but, "you wouldn't if you loved me." But, I'm not younger. I don't see the world as black and white as I used to. There are people who are perfectly capable of great love, but NOT sexual fidelity. Recently, Dan Savage, who writes the advice column "Savage Love" covered the topic (look up "Savage Love", and "Sex Before Dawn") Where people thanked him, saying that they thought there was something wrong with them because they were capable of great love, but could not keep from stepping out on their partners. One woman said she loves her husband, but sex with others is like a safety valve for her that helps her maintain her sanity. Dan's strongest advice to people in this position was, 1) Accept that you are one of those people that can love, but cannot remain sexually faithful, and 2) Be honest with your partners. He suggested it's best to seek partners who can accept this. On the surface, it may seem that your girlfriend is being selfish. Telling you that she wants a man but will settle for a woman as long as you don't touch her seems to reinforce this. But, you would be amazed by the one-sided rules that many swingers have, and this doesn't even come across as the worst I've heard. So, maybe it's not about selfishness. Maybe she has simply expressed that she is not a monogamous person, that this is something she enjoys, and she wants YOU to enjoy it with her, but she's not going to change who she is and suddenly become completely sexually faithful, even if she loves you. The question is, can you handle it? You're here because you don't want to lose her. But, you don't want to do it either. And, from a swinger point of view, that's a deal breaker. One partner says no, it's no for both. The relationship is more important than the extracurricular play. But, sometimes it's not that simple. Sometimes, even if we choose not to believe it, there are people who simply are not cut out for fidelity, even if they are capable of great love. And for them, there are people who either work the same way, or are very open and very accepting and can give them that freedom. You have to figure out if you are one of those people, or if you need to move on and find someone who can love only you, and wants to love only you. One bit of devils advocacy... if 50-60% of all men and woman are unfaithful to their partner at some point in time in their relationship, the odds are against most of us. As tough a pill as it is to swallow, would you rather have a partner who is open about her need for non-monogamy? Or, one who, for whatever reason, years down the road, commits an indelible act that they can never take back and you can, possibly, never forgive? One is the devil you know, the other is a matter of faith and trust. But, that's what relationships are supposed to be built on anyway. Good luck! I hope you find what you need.

It's not the only way we would swing. We liked foursomes, too. It's just the only way we (normally) did threesomes. There was an exception, which was sometimes the case in our experiences. I took Visexual to mean couples who, when they did threesomes, only did so with other couples, not that they refused foursomes with the same couples. Sorry. I guess that would be unique, if not downright inexplicable. Alura

There's an old phrase, "just because you are paranoid, doesn't mean people aren't out to get you." Just because you are insecure or uncomfortable about something doesn't mean you are wrong. If what you were seeing was just her experiencing great pleasure, and it made you insecure, it's understandable, and overcomable. But, the way you described, if I am not misinterpreting your writing, was the kind of "Our eyes locked, our clothes came off, and we fucked for hours in the middle of the freeway," kind of passion that I have heard swingers say they stopped seeing people because of. The connection was too strong and it risked jeopardizing the primary relationship. And, I agree with this. My wife always makes a human and a physical connection. But, she never loses sight of her connection to me. Even when she is getting pounded by a guy with a 10 inch penis and is caught up in pleasure, she never loses sight of me. She would never push me away because she either wanted so much attention on her partner that she couldn't stand to touch my hand, or because she wanted to, possibly, not be reminded that there is someone else she should be anchored to. Even when she has played separately, she does it with me in mind. I gave her permission, I asked for a story. She says, it's easy to do, because it's like I'm there with her. And she never comes home acting like she needs time to reconnect with me. What Wisconsin describes as the way she does things, sounds a lot like what you described your wife doing. And, I have to say I'm one of those folks that will disagree with her, politely. I believe you can be emotionally connected to a partner, and enjoy great pleasure with them, without being carried away by them so much that it takes you time to pull yourself 100 percent; back from them, and give yourself 100 percent; back to the person you belong with. Sure you replay it in your head. It was hot. Then you replay it for your partner. If someone is physically better, you can be glad for your partner, and you can learn what they know. But, if your partner connects with that person on a noticeably greater, more visceral level, than you do, and that connection manifests in the way they have sex, I believe it's something to be concerned about and avoided One of the more pervasive undercurrents I have noticed lately in topics is of men that are getting insecure, however justifiably so, and being told to "buck up", because they are only threatened by their wives' pleasure and shouldn't deprive them. Isn't one of the first rules, of swinging, that if either partner isn't comfortable with something it stops? You shouldn't be afraid to tell her you want to back things off, or back away from HIM. Does that mean depriving her of pleasure? Hell yes. Sorry. She's YOUR wife. If necessary, she can get pleasure from you. Hope this gives another perspective. Good luck.

Overnight "Swapping" isn't for us; we've never tried it and neither of us ever wants to. We like being together, sharing the experience and quite frankly I do not want to know any playmate that intimately. Your bathroom routine is a private matter and should stay that way, your sleep patterns, how you want the blankie, which side you sleep on , how many pillows you need and whether you take cream with your coffee or heaven forbid don't drink coffee is far too much information for me. I fall asleep content each night in the arms of the love of my life and waking up to his smile sets the right tone for my whole day and would not trade that for all the world. The greatest thing about swinging/life is no matter what you do or do not do there are 1000's of people with the same preferences . Mrs Sav