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I, respectfully, don't entirely agree. You could easily infer by your statement, that swingers are what we are, because we are enlightened to the fact that humans are basically non-monogamous. I believe that we are willing to explore our sexual fantasies and desires, which involve non-monogamy. But, that most of us are still, basically, spiritually, monogamous. Most of us, re-invent our definition of fidelity, because we still need the comfort of those limitations. We create rules for our swinging, and, if certain lines are crossed, we feel as cheated on as we would if we were "vanilla" and our spouse stepped out on us. Very FEW of us, have a no-holds-barred, open door policy for spouses to play. To me, this speaks to the reality of monogamy as intrinsic to most of us, even swingers. We just put a different spin on it. Re: the statement about couples divorcing or living in misery... Marriages fail, whether people divorce or not, for so many reasons. Most of them documented by psychologists (i.e., feelings of neglect, changes in how you view your spouse, insecurity and need for validation, lack of a positive male or female role model growing up etc.) Psychology is not subject to religious dogma or social mores, so, if non-monogamy were the magic bullet, it would have been highly publicized and treated as the cure for many relationship ills. At the beginning of my post, I said I didn't entirely agree with Couplers' statement. I do believe that there ARE people who determine/accept that they are truly, by nature, non-monogamous, and are "coming out" (unfortunately to spouses who are monogamous). But, I don't believe they are an emerging majority. I will say what I always say to my gay friends who are convinced that, somehow, EVERYONE is gay" It applies to swingers, and non-monogamists, and so many others...."there are a lot more of you, than we think, but a lot less of you, than you think.

I disagree. Many marriages have fallen apart (including those where the couple stays together in misery) because one or both was unwilling to acknowledge that people are basically not monogamous and there is a need for sexual variety. I do agree that single females willing to have non-commital sex with a married man are a little hard to find, but with patience, persistance and an enjoyment of the pursuit by both of us, we did it on a handful of occasions. I don't know how much more difficult finding a woman that is bi as well would be since that wasn't a criterion for us. That's the question here and it comes up often with people starting out. I'm with bbarnsworth on this. There doesn't need to be a perfect and symmetric plan to start, just some agreement on what a couple will try and see how it goes. That was my experiece, but from the opposite side, hubby let me play first for several years before I agreed that he could have a play partner as well. If he had insisted that we both start together it probably would never have happened, I would have just thought about it psyching myself out. The best way to lead is by example, and that's what he did.