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Hmm... Well, I think the main problem is the lack of communication in general. Sure, you established both couples you've played with were looking for soft swing, but you didn't clarify specific boundaries and expectations. Soft swing can be anything from same room play with your own partners to swapping and doing anything besides PIV sex. You and your wife also seemed to be on slightly different wavelengths (although not terribly so) since you ended up feeling slightly left out. Getting swept up in the moment is always a threat, which brings me to point number 2... Secondly, I think you should definitely watch the amount of alcohol you consume. If your wife is drinking enough to change her opinion of a couple THAT drastically, then it's probably too much. She needs to make sure she keeps a clear enough head to make wise decisions. You both also need to be able to be aware of what's going on with your partner at all times to make sure both of you are comfortable with all that's going on - this is especially important in new situations. Also, you both need to be willing and able to speak up and say what you want. If she didn't want his fingers in her pussy, she should have said so. At that moment. Not told you about it later, complained about it, and then play with him again the next time she sees him without ever even mentioning the discomfort that arose from the previous interaction. If you feel left out, either tell your wife so she can focus more on you or throw it out there that you'd like to switch positions with the other wife since you've apparently been more than gracious in the giving department. I would be wary of moving to full swap until you've had at least one completely positive soft experience. What if you get into a full swap situation and you find out the woman is just going to lie there without really being into it, but your wife is having a ball being all crazy with the other guy? You're going to end up even more frustrated/pissed/hurt than you feel after a less than satisfying soft experience. Now, if you find a couple where the WOMAN is making the moves on you instead of the man making the moves on your wife, you'd probably be safe doing whatever struck your fancy. The main thing I would suggest is being much clearer about what you mean by soft swing. Tell people you want either same room, no interaction or anything but penetration goes! Or somewhere between. Talk to each other and figure out exactly what you want to do on a given night so that you go in as a unit prepared to uphold your boundaries. Make sure you're on the same page and them communicate ALL of your boundaries/expectations with potential hookups. How are they supposed to know what is and isn't acceptable if you're not even sure?