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I agree with everything the others said. It's true that you don't have the right to insist that he not bareback with other women. No one can force anyone to do anything, and it's especially difficult to insist on it in a swinging context, where multiple partners is the whole point! But if he gave you the impression that he was exclusive with you in that way, then he's the one that changed the rules first, not you. And even if you changed the rules first, so what? You have the right to change the rules whenever you want to adapt to your comfort level. He has the right to not like it, but he doesn't have to be a jerk about it. It always amazes me how people can feel entitled to something instead of feeling lucky to have it.

First, I do not like the term "allow". I don't "allow" my wife to do anything, she is her own person and she does as she wishes and vice versa. We do discuss, and come to agreement, on major things, like swinging. We both love each other enough to not participate in anything in which the other has a problem. I do trust my wife's love for me, and I trust my love for her, so much so that I am comfortable with swinging. I also believe that part of love IS trust. It is not a stretch to imagine someone using the term "love enough" to mean exactly what I just said. Is what I said qualifying or quantifying love? Yes, it is. When we first fell in love and married, that trust was not as strong as it is now, and it was not so for many years. Our love and trust grew stronger over many years, and over many good times and bad. Our love matured over time, it did not just occur when we said "I do." Maturity, in general or in terms of love, takes time to develop and we all develop at differing pace, if we ever fully mature at all. For many years we did not love each other enough to have that complete trust in each other and ourselves to be swingers. Now we do. Swinging is not right for everyone for myriad reasons; moral or ethical issues, social pressure, fear of disease, or of being outed, and many more. There are also people that swinging is not right for because of jealousy and fear that one or both could fall out of love with the other or fall in love with someone else. So, if swinging is not right for someone because of jealousy or fear of love loss, their love has not matured enough to allow swinging to be part of their life. It does not however, mean they love each other any less, just that their love has not matured to the point of complete trust. In short, I do not have a problem with that phrase because it does not automatically mean they being critical of non swingers. It certainly could be the case that the person using the phrase IS using it in a derogatory manner, but it is not a given. On the other hand, using the phrase, "IF you loved me enough you would......", or similar phrases, says to me that the person that is using it is attempting to manipulate, in which case they certainly do not love their spouse enough.

That problem with the word "enough" was the first thing I thought of when I read the header to this thread. I probably don't love my partner more than a vanilla friend of ours loves her husband, but the shape of how I love him is certainly different. Mine celebrates the idea of sexual exploration, hers doesn't. One way isn't better than the other, although only one is going to fit me without pinching.

Another side of this though is just how hard it is to explain the swing lifestyle. I mean how do you explain such a complex thing? I think we tend to over simplify at times and say things like, "We love each other enough to....". In saying that particular phrase it can definitely seem like a judgmental thing, but I am not sure that is really the intention. I know I have heard other people say a very similar thing from the vanilla side of things, "I love him/her so much that I cannot stand the thought of them with someone else." When I have heard that statement, I did not think they were necessarily dissing people who swing, but just commenting on what their love is like. Now are there people on both sides of the coin who are smug and think they are better and their ways are better? Definitely. So, when those smug bastards (lol) make such a statement they definitely mean, "I love better and more openly than you" (or vice versa as the case may be). Other people, though just may be trying to explain why they do (or don't do) what they do. Honestly, one of the reasons we swing IS because we love each other enough that we want to help each other fulfill fantasies, but that does not mean I feel like I love my wife more than my vanilla friends love their wives, just differently. Maybe the word "enough" is the problem. It is a quantitative word, and therefore lends itself to mathematical (greater than, less than) comparisons. Even as I wrote that particular word it (in my earlier statement) it didn't feel quite right. It wouldn't hurt (even if our intentions are pure) for everybody to be a little more careful when we make certain statements. In order for our statements about the lifestyle to not lead to "greater than" or "less than" conclusions. If my wife and I say, "Our love for each other allows us to sleep with others." While our non-swinging friends might say, "Our love for each other keeps us from sleeping with others." Maybe both are equally true. Each love is not greater, or less; just different. To quote, Shakespeare, "Love is a many splendored thing."