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Forgive me for being blunt but really there is no other way to say this. But you've been cockholded at best or your wife totally sh8 on your relationship and is cheating on your at worst. The other couple, as you state, has explicitely stated and required that you have NO PLACE in this relationship and your wife is not only willfully going along with this but shives it in your face. You say that she CLAIMS that she has told them that nothing else will happen YET you fight AND she still goes over there! This is PLAINLY saying to you that your relationship is at best secondary to the one she is having with them. I have one simple rule when dealing with people, whether swinging, work, or friends - words only have meaning when and only IF their action match their words. Now people are not perfect and they make mistakes, and their actions are not always (hardly ever) will match your ideal response BUT they must match. The more important and closer the relationship the more vital it is that words match action. Right now your wifes words and actions are not even in the same universe! You need to grow some balls and or decide whether you are ok with this or do something about it. BUT there is no middle ground here! As for your feeling bad. sometimes when you push a subject (like swinging but really anything ) and something out of the ordinary happens you make excuses for why the otehr person crossed the line. After all you brought this upon yourslef etc but that does not excuse her behavior.