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Hello sbberg, Thanks for telling us your story and wanting to connect with the community here. There is a lot of wisdom and experience on this board. I used to be married, and we were swingers for about 4-5 years. We had a great time for most of that time. But toward the end my ex had a big chip on his shoulder about "fairness", and a problem with the reality that often the women are desired by more folks than the men in this lifestyle. I always wished he could just have all the fun we were having and not worry so much about whether he got as much play or as many offers as I did. To some extent men just have to accept that women are more often the objects of desire. It's not fair, but there is plenty of fun to be had by everyone. I tell you this so that you can know my perspective when I ask you a couple of questions. When you think about swinging together with other couples, do you feel *desire* to be with other women? Or do you feel more lukewarm about it? You want to get only so close, but don't have a desire to have full-on sex? Or, is what's uppermost in your mind the anxiety due to wondering whether that lady likes you or just views you as a way to get to your wife? In other words, is your basic feeling "YES, LET'S GO!", or "Eh", or "I'm feeling uncomfortable and possibly left behind?" If your wife is burning up and you're on simmer only, there could be an issue when she starts to get excited again, like what happened before. Do you, and more importantly does she, have a plan for how to hold back without becoming frustrated? Speaking from experience, I started to become really resentful when my ex continually denied me experiences I wanted because he felt he had to have as "much play" as I did. I really didn't see why he couldn't just be happy for me, since I only wanted to go let loose and then go resume our lives together, which I told him repeatedly I wanted to go on till we were old and gray, and beyond. But he kept holding me back out of a need for "fairness" until I felt like he was just being possessive and jealous of me because of an artifact of sexuality: I had the pussy. If you both fear this type of tension between the two of you, I advise you to find other ways to have fun together and not swing. How much do you enjoy watching your wife with other women and with other men? If you had little to no desire to play yourself, would you still get a charge out of watching her, without feeling resentful of her popularity? Some men get a real charge out of watching their wives or girlfriends with other men, and care little whether they play at all. Some don't like watching. Some enjoy her enjoyment, and want to watch a little, but watching by itself is not so erotic for them that it's something they'd be that interested in. I think it's important that you both know which category you're in. Are you willing to pursue a woman you desire, and find out from her whether that desire is returned? It sounds like it's important to you to know that you're desired. It's another unfortunate reality that men are still expected to be the pursuers, at least mostly. It would serve you well to make a prospective partner feel like she lights you on fire. You can ask that woman, pretty much straight out, whether she finds you attractive and wants to be with you. When she answers, it's not even so much her words that matter, as the feeling you get from her. Are you very taken aback that your wife seems to enjoy herself so much? Why? You mentioned that she enjoyed the men more than you thought she would. Does that make you doubt her feelings about you? Do you trust that she still wants to go home with you, and grow old with you, and that the rest of it is just fun and sexy friendship? I wish you the best of everything in your marriage. Swinging is great for the friendships, fun times and for the sex, but your marriage is much more precious. I still retain many friends from the lifestyle, even though I'm no longer swinging at all. I have one boyfriend who has some experience in the lifestyle as well, and would love to see me with others. But for now I just have no desire to branch out. I think it's important to listen to your inner voice and know what moves you and what doesn't, and how powerful those feelings are likely to be, especially for your wife. Thanks again for being here. I hope to hear more from you.