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Just a quick question, because this has happened to us before, and I'm curious as to whether others have experienced this before... We've been to a number of events before, but the last one kinda threw me for a loop. We were talking with another couple, and just before we decided to head to one of the open rooms, I heard the husband of our friends tell his wife under his breath that it was her turn 'to take one for the team'. I was a little hurt by this, but upon reflection maybe this happens more often than not. Let's face it, couples are not equally attractive, and it wouldn't matter if they were. There have certainly been times in our experience when I'll find our female friend very attractive, while my wife believes our male friend only moderately so. And I'll be honest...my wife is definitely more of the "Halle Berry" quality, while I am more of a "Gary Busey" type. I guess my question would be, would you join an experience that you wouldn't ordinarily, if only because your partner really, really wants to? Possibly with the expectation that the roles would be reversed in the future? Please raise your hands if this has happened to you before. Thanks!

I laughed at this, but it's true. To often we find couples with a smoking hot female and male is... not so hot. We made the decision when we first started not to take one for the team. With that being said, there are a whole range of things we find attractive about another couple. If one is a 6 on the physical scale and a 10 on personality, and the other half is reversed it might still work out. It all depends on what we are looking for that night.

You'll find that all "chatters" are time wasters that will never meet. most are trolls or pathetic married guys or gals goofing off without the spouse's knowledge. You'll learn more about a couple in the first two minutes of a face to face meeting than you will from months of chat. If you're interested in actually swinging, set up a meeting with just two or three emails. If they try to string you along with requests to trade pics or chat off site, dump them, they're fakes. If they use an excuse not to meet, tell them to contact you when they're ready to meet in person, then forget about them. Just a wild guess, but I would estimate that 75 percent or more on swingers sites have never actually swapped and have no intentions of actually meeting anyone face to face. They're just looking for pen pals.

Life happens. Problems come up. Health problems, minor car wrecks, child suddenly needs attention, parent hospitalized. We give folks with this type of explanation the benefit of trust -- once. Still, a call/email as soon as possible is always appropriate.

It may be different in the north, but here in Ohio nice jeans on men are perfectly appropriate. I agree with Chicup he may be limited by his size. I think one of the best things about swinging is the way couples can work together to get what they want. I find that the ladies usually are the ones working to set up the swap. If you stay together as a couple and flirt and chat as a couple you might have better luck. Even if other people are bouncing around separate, when a guy comes up to you, if you like him, say, "Hey, we'd really like to get to know your wife," When he brings her over, help your husband by starting the conversation and leading it somewhere he is comfortable. Help him show interest, "Honey aren't her shoes cute? Doesn't she have the best smile?" Talk to them about their experiences in the lifestyle and let them know early on you are only playing as a couple. Julie has suggested the book, How to Work a Room It does a good job talking about meeting and making connections with people. Have you read it?

I think the advice given around supporting one another as a couple, either by playing as a couple or you helping him find someone, is great. But it leaves a big White Elephant: why are other guys able to attract women and he is not? No matter how you adapt your style, it is a big disadvantage in the LS not to be able to flirt. I think flirting is far harder for guys than it is for women. The line between outgoing and creepy is very blurry, as is the line between confident and overbearing. I can totally sympathize with your husband. I used to be a TERRIBLE flirt (I have now graduate to quite bad, but its a process). I think you have to teach him to flirt and how to move from flirt to something more: - how do guys open a conversation with you - what body language are you attracted to - when you see a guy across the room, what do you consider nice eye contact (flirty but not leering) - how do men transition from light banter to a real conversation - how do men show they are interested in you in a way that makes you feel desirable and not threatened - what level of touch, if any, do you like when you are just getting to know someone If you can help him with this, I am sure he can start to connect with women more easily (and if you have good answers to these questions, let me know -- I am still trying to figure it out)

Susan here: Well, I am a scientist and and experienced Swinger. I'm just viewing this as someone with Club and House Party experience. First, a couple needs to have both people engaged. Second, it's generally understood that women tend to drive the Swinging dynamic in a party environment. If you were not making an effort sexually, you sort of as they say,"hung your husband out to dry." What is often defined as sexual compatibility, between couples, does have a smidge of quid pro quo. So, let's view this from a neutral point of view: You're not trying and your husband is. Well, that's not going to work. It makes your husband appear as if he's out to score and your unavailable to the other husbands. You will be assessed and rejected. All it takes is one wife to perceive that is going on and it will spread through the group. I may not be completely right about this, but considering the history, this has to be going on, if only in part. I could not imagine being at a House Party, having sex with a husband or three and none of the wives being available to my spouse. The only way would be because of some pre-Play understanding. I'm starting to think you have found the enemy and they is you. I mean that in the nice way. When you ,"got a man," last time, was he married or single ? If married, was his wife there ? Club or Party ?

My wife could have three "boyfriends" in about 4 hours at a bar, I don't know how long it would take me to find one, thats how all this works. Its also why I never recommend asymmetric swinging with most couples, because this always happens. As for your issue with the wives, its obviously something about him. Weight, breath, approach, something isn't working. Think of it as a scientific problem.

Thanks for the replies. Alex, I didn't even try to get a man the other night. I just laid back as I wanted him to find someone. But the time before, I did get a man. I easily get men usually. My husband is nice looking. Clean and nicely dressed. He is a big guy, but I see others at clubs that are big too. I do think he struggles with the flirting. But I have noticed that the other women seem to just not show even an ounce of interest, including eye contact or a smile. I see women approaching the other men and even flirting with the men but they don't my husband. Familiarity could be a problem, but, in a big city, we don't always see the same people at clubs. He is frustrated and sad. I tell him to not give up. Maybe things will change.