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I swear I mean this kindly: You're a bit of a mess. Somehow, you've conflated swinging with your self conception, your ideal life, and then pushed and prodded and sold your way into something that clearly isn't working for either of you. So, yeah, stop with the swinging already, until it stops being something that you approach with an addict's mindset and that your wife approaches with malicious compliance (fine, I'll do it - or pretend to do it - but only when you're not there, with your greediness and pressure). Your sex life isn't over, the possibility of swinging is out there for decades and if the two of you ever get enough of the right kind of therapy that you really are on the same page (an honest one this time), you can actually have the kind of life that works for both of you. Or you can keep doing what you're doing until your wife falls in love and leaves you for someone who actually puts her needs first (and knows what they are because he asks). Yeah, I know, that's harsh, but you've already weathered what you're calling emotional affairs without changing much of anything, except to increase your level of frustration and anger, in spite of some clear alerts for different behaviors, so that's the logical outcome. It's quite possible, by the way, to have a great time sexually and still hate the experience.