Leaderboard

So I had a interesting chat with my daughter last night. She's been having trouble dealing with this narcissistic female friend of her boyfriend's, whom she has tried to befriend herself, but who insists on doing everything in her power to drive the poor girl insane. For the record, my daughter is vanilla, and has a bit of a problem with jealousy, so it's really hard for me to not advise her to just let the boy fuck her, get bored with her mud-puddle-deep personality, and brush her off. Get it out of his system, you know? Life is too short for this kind of stressful bullshit. Anyway, long story short, I'm trying to help her deal with this self-focused, poisonous little biatch, and went on to relate a story about my friend. "I could tell you this story," I said, "but...it's...really...like...TMI. So much TMI. Like you won't be able to look at (my friend) ever the same again." "You don't even talk to her anymore, Mom." "I know, but it's really....REAL." "It's okay, Mom," she assured me, "I've seen your and Dad's search history." -- Silence -- I gave her a questioning look, to elaborate. Because I'm sure as hell not going to be the one to flop that one out there on the table. Nope. She wants the truth, she can damn well ask for it. "Swinging?" she said, "AFF?" I laughed, actually not missing a beat. "Yeah. Well. There you go." "So did you and, uh...(friend) ever, uh..." "Oh GOD no." I exclaimed. "No no no no no. There are some rules..." "Oh so there ARE some rules then?..." "Oh yes, there are rules." I said, "One of them is that you don't fuck your close friends." I proceeded to tell her about the nightmare threesome experience my friend and her husband had with a vampiric, soul-sucking bitch who got off on shattering marriages. The point was to outline how destructive narcissists can be, and how relentlessly devious and cunning they are. So after regaling her with that gem, she sat back digesting it, and then said, "So can I ask you a question?" "Sure!" I said. I'm thinking 'This is FANTASTIC!' "I mean, only if you want to! Your business is your business, if you're uncomfortable with it..." "No, I don't mind at all. This is fun, actually!" "Okay." she said. "So, how do you guys do it? Like, how does it work?" She meant, as in, how do we have such a great relationship while fucking other people? "It works really, really well, actually." "Oh." She seemed surprised and hopefully more at ease because of my frankness and comfort with talking openly about it. "It obviously doesn't work for everyone," I said, "But for us, it's been great. You have to be able to trust one another enough to do it. And it's more about wanting to be able to give one another more out of life." That part isn't verbatim, but something to that effect. She wondered aloud whether it might be something that her boyfriend needed. I didn't agree. I switched gears a little, and explained that this is why it's been hard to advise her before, regarding her jealous streak; my first inclination would be to tell him to go do what he's gotta do. Shrug my shoulders and let the little vampire do her worst, because in the end, she still can't touch what really matters between us. My daughter said she didn't think she could do that. I said, then, that she should not. I just know that, for her Dad and I it has more or less bomb-proofed our relationship. "Some other woman can be sitting on your Dad's knee, feeding him grapes, and it wouldn't bother me in the least." She was amused at the idea of it. "I don't give a damn, she can do whatever she wants, but if she's going to be disrespectful of me, that has nothing to do with me. I leave that up to your Dad to deal with." "Like that woman at the restaurant that time?" she asked. I had apparently been too flirty with a woman's husband after imbibing too much wine (100% unintentional), and she decided to get back at me by sitting beside my husband while I was in the ladies room, putting her hand on his leg and giving him the come-fuck-me eyes. When I returned, and saw that my spot had been taken, he looked her dead in the eye and said to me, "Here, Hon, you take my spot." Yeah. My man. She got shut DOWN. Hard. "Yeah, just like that." I said, "I just laugh about it. She can try to weasel in if she wants, and I'm just like, 'Hold on! I'll get the camera!'" She thought it was funny, and I think she was even more pleased at my willingness to talk about it. It has been a big fat-ass elephant in the room for too long. They knew. Of course they knew. But neither half of the parent-child equation knew how much the other wanted to know or reveal. I'm so glad she had the balls to bring it up. She has frequently complimented her Dad and I on our relationship in the past, and I'm sure this was a mystery to her, as she explained she suspected it for a very long time now, since they were kids. Believe me, were NOT indiscreet, we just have exceptionally observant offspring. She explained she had seen me browsing the Swingersboard, and had thought I was looking up swingsets. But she noticed some of the stuff on it was about sex. She had asked why I was on that site, and I told her because I enjoyed discussing the topic with other people. It was fascinating. She wanted to know what it was, and not wanting to lie, I believe I gave her the 10-year-old's version of the truth, which was something along the lines of 'married people who don't believe in monogamous relationships.' I DID lie when she asked if her Dad and I did that, and I told her no. I enjoyed the conversation. We never discussed it again until last night. "So are those your friends from Ottawa?" she asked. "Yes." I said, "We really like them. They're really very nice people." "Huh. That's cool." she said, "Yeah we kinda wondered about that. You know, you guys just randomly going to Ottawa to visit friends or go to a party." Because she knows that's not really 'us'. We've been social hermits for-frigging-ever. "So does your brother know, too--" "--Yeah." she said, "Oh yeah, he knows." Smart little farts. I have to say, I am actually super stoked about this. I have hated having to hide anything about ourselves from our kids. We don't get into the hairy details of what we do in the bedroom - and I have no intention of starting now - but I don't want to pretend like we don't have a sex life. And I don't want to pretend that this is not a part of who and what we are. Because it is, and it's something we both love. It's not dirty. It's not deviant. It's not harmful to our relationship, to anyone else's, or to society. It has been a very positive experience and a deeply beneficial relationship philosophy. I'm hoping we can now be more open with our kids, without having to come up with stupid cover stories that - deep down - we knew they didn't believe anyway.

My wife and I who are new at this have just learned to say "no thank you" and leave it at that. Most people don't handle rejection well and can't understand the fact that attractiveness is subjective. The best response I received back was, "you're probably just worried that I can fuck you're wife better than you". Well... the whole point of this is for you to fuck her brains out and make her feel amazing. We would both feel disappointed if you didn't rock her world.

Translated: No drama. Couples that have been around in the L/S for awhile. Unfortunately, new couples can bring drama as they may or may not be on the same page with what they are doing. You will see variations of the same thing in lots of profiles. We have met couples that were obvious train wrecks looking for a place to happen...but we have also met some great couples. Some people just don't want to even bother weeding out the wrecks so they say things like that or drama free or other variations that mean the same thing. If you don't think that you two ARE confident and secure, then you won't contact them (but if you feel you ARE, then do). Who can explain attraction. It doesn't mean anything other than one of them isn't attracted to one of you. It really doesn't mean anything is 'wrong' with you, you just didn't 'click'. It's hard not to take personally, but it isn't personal. Actually, they are doing you a favor in saving both of you time. We have a thing that when we find a (or are found by another) new couple, we only use the pictures and profile to eliminate couples that are just not going to be a match (missing teeth, terrible grammar, vastly different fundamental beliefs, etc.). Otherwise, we usually try to meet them very quickly instead of wasting a ton of time texting/emailing back and forth. You will be able to tell if there is a spark in five minutes in person than an eternity on line. If there is no spark, no amount of rubbing will create one...nothing personal, just the laws of attraction. We find that personalities trump just about everything else. We've met couples that we absolutely loved and thought they felt the same...had a wonderful evening talking to them, felt like we knew each other for years, etc., only to have them say afterwards that they weren't interested in anything else. We could have become great friends, but for someone the attraction was missing. When it has happened we used to wonder what we did wrong, said wrong, dressed wrong...but we later realized that someone was not on board, and that's okay. It really isn't personal and they were doing everyone a favor. This isn't junior high anymore and them telling us they aren't interested IS good communication. The attraction just wasn't there...no way to put a finger on what was missing, but something didn't 'click'. We still had a great evening talking to another couple that was looking for the same thing we were (and it's fun to imagine what they looked like naked). Move on and be thankful you didn't spend a bunch of time with a couple that just wasn't going to work from the start.

We have had success finding 'unicorns' who are in sexless marriages. Basically, they are horny and their husbands can't really perform so we fit the bill. We meet them together and play together, but I know a few women that would be interested in a one on one with me. They like that we are attached so that there is no 'deepening' of the relationship.

Not to be a hater, but what study?? A study by Victoria Secret to sell more underwear? Not exactly feeling that one.

By openness and communication, it's about spouses having that with their spouses, not necessarily other people outside of their marriage. People try to be polite. Personally, I don't think I would ask as it puts the recipient of the question in a potential bind and you might not even get a full answer. If it doesn't click for all four of you, it doesn't click. Oh well, move on. As for secure and confident, again I think that's more relative to your marriage than anything. I know my wife and I both had jitters getting into this at first.

You said, "but if done properly, it can be seen as constructive criticism" So you say! There are people who, no matter how you put it, take it as an insult. So the safest, easiest thing to do is say, "No, thank you," and walk away clean.

I think I've been on the other end of the first question a few times. The conversation we had with them was basically them asking us what are expectations were. We answered that we really had no expectations, just want to go out and make friends and if the chemistry is right, maybe we'll end up in the bedroom. You could tell them something like that. That you are mainly looking to make friends first and if something else happens because it feels right, great, if not, whatever. They may just not want to meet after that because all they want is sex, no big deal, just move on. To refuse, you just say sorry not interested and move on. Even if you run in to them, they should understand and avoid you. Really, just because people are in the Lifestyle, does not mean they want to fuck anything that walks. People have preferences and chemistry needs to be there. I've seen some drop dead gorgeous women with great bodies that I'd love to fuck, then they open their mouths and it's all ruined. Same thing for my wife. Even though we are all here to have sex with others and have a good time, that does not mean we are here to just have sex with anyone and have a good time. Don't use SLS so can't really say.

A couple of thoughts. One of the things about the LS is that honesty and transparency are prized. For the couple that seems too young,... "Dear [screen name], thanks so much for the kind note. While you seem like a lovely couple, the gap between our ages and yours is sufficiently large that we might be uncomfortable playing with you--or vice versa. Would you consider just meeting for drinks or dinner, with absolutely no expectations of anything more?" Depending on how far away the house party happens to be, you might want to consider attending. Again, a note to the host/hostess can work well for all concerned. "Dear host/hostess, thanks so much for your kind invitation. We were excited to receive it yet have some butterflies: this would be our first house party (if that is indeed the case). We continue to work through our fantasies, intentions and boundaries. It is wonderful to meet you and your guests who are in the LS, but we are not sure of our comfort zone and are taking small steps together. Will this make you or your other guests uncomfortable?" Both notes make the situation transparent for all concerned and make it possible for rejection -- if it occurs-- to be gentle. Our experience is such simple candor is prized. People remember those who are honest and direct with them. Such candor usually reflects self-confidence--knowing who and what you are. That self-confidence is attractive on many levels. As as aside, you have a lovely profile on SLS. Not surprising that you are attracting interest. Kind regards.

Your friends are not kidding, Just Learning. This is not a subject a married couple "jokes" about. We swapped with a couple who had been married in high school because she was pregnant. Neither had ever had another sex partner. In fact, I don't think they'd ever kissed anyone else. But they had talked a lot about it with each other and wanted to very much. The two couples had been friends for a few months. We had read some "hints" and body language was sexy. Mrs. Alura and I had decided they looked delicious and we'd like to eat them. After a dinner date with them, Laura asked if they'd like to share a bottle of wine at our place. We had no kids at the time. After chatting about life, childhood and what we were going to do about the guy in the White House, at length, Laura asked "THE QUESTION." "How do y'all feel about spouse swapping?" That's when we learned what I told you in the first paragraph. During the conversation Laura told them we thought they were very attractive and suggested swapping kisses as a preliminary test. They enthusiastically agreed. After some time kissing, as Linda was sucking my tongue and I was unbuttoning her blouse (with her help), I open one eye to see Laura with a mouthful of Ronnie. After that the night got kind of hazy. We swapped with them for years. By the way, If anybody, at any time, gets upset, stop immediately and talk it out at length. If the issue can't be solved, don't ask again.