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Stanger is no longer in the picture. He couldn't live within the rules we set out and asked me to sneak around behind my husband's back. He's history. So it goes. On the other hand, I think we have found someone who will and has so far worked in nicely with our comfort level. He is five years my senior, an attorney and mechanical engineer, intelligent, open minded and very comfortable in his own skin. A good communicator. I'll call him R. He and DH have really hit it off in the socialization category. There is just an ease between the three of us when we are in the same room together that wasn't there with Stranger. Last Friday, we went out on a second "Date". When I say "we", I mean all three of us. DH brought me to the deli where we met up. We ate together and R and DH had a nice conversation about the space-x program and then DH went to the dance hall and left R and I to ourselves. It was the opportunity for R to go over the rules that DH and I have, discuss them and make sure R thought he could live with them. We had a very nice conversation and as R said, I was doing a good job of managing expectations (which he did not take issue with), I believe we got our points across. R and I then proceeded to go dancing at the same place where DH was. DH was busy talking to his cute harem of women, which made me happy to see. There are about four regulars he hangs out with. Three of them are single and one is married but, is divorcing; I have met all of them and like them, though each and every one of them has something in their lives that makes DH hesitant to act beyond flirting. One is divorcing so he steers clear of doing anything that will make her life more difficult. Another is just a mixed up emotional mess. The third is personality wise very fun and outgoing (squeezed his butt two weeks ago) but, he just doesn't find her physically appealing at all. The fourth, is gay. He has selected a bunch of "safe" women to hang around with and have fun. Flirtatious fun, may be all he is ready to do. If and when he is ready to do more, that will be up to him to decide. Not me. We were talking about our experiences so far and he revealed to me that until we ventured into this, he hadn't realized how much of himself he had lost. He always felt guilty talking with other women even though I had reassured him, even encouraged him to do so. To see him openly flirting with a bunch of women, being a man, not just a husband and father but, acting like a man warmed my heart. It has put him back in touch with a part of him that exists separately from his role as responsible father and husband. I saw my high school sweetheart coming out again, this time he wasn't a shy boy but a confident man. SO SEXY! I knew it was in there but, couldn't figure out how to get him to give himself permission to show it. This seems to have done the trick. Anyway, R and I went and sat out on the patio and talked for a while about intellectual pursuits and DH came out to visit. The banter between the three of us was wonderful and comfortable. It was quite stimulating. A while later we let DH know that R and I were headed out. He handed me a hotel key and told me to text him when I was ready for him to join me, gave me a quick smooch and we left. I won't bore you all with the details but, there are some advantages to sex with older men who know the lay of the land so to speak...R needed to get home as his mid-teens daughter was alone at home. I called DH who came over and we made love without all of the toys, warm up and other rigmarole that we usually end up going through. The advantage to that was that I was ready to go and he didn't have to last all that long to get the job done. It was good. Timing was impeccable. We spent the rest of the night wrapped in each other's arms. Very satisfying for both of us. I have since spoken with R twice and we are meeting for coffee later this week to exchange manuscripts we have both written and are in need of a fresh eye for editing and, of course to make plans for another "date". DH is actually feeling really good about how all of this is forming, so that is the best thing of all.

One other thing. Once Ms. Gold and I started down this path, I have never thought of trying to find another woman to replace her. How could I replace someone who actually encourages the two of us to find other couples to play with? Just how in the world could I 'trade up' from that? I thank her and appreciate everything she does for me on a daily basis (something that all too often is overlooked). While you have been together for a long time (28 years) and it can be easy to 'forget' the small things that you both do for each other, but that you were willing to go with him on this path...well, he's forgotten what a great woman you are. You did nothing wrong, he's just forgotten what a great gift he was given.

This is going to be a really long first time post because there is a lot of history going on so, please bear with me. First off, my husband and I have been married for going on thirty years. Before you begin to think that we must be ancient, we got married when we were 19. Before that, we had known each other since we were three. Not like next door neighbors or anything, we lived in a small town and our parents ran in the same social circles so we interacted together sporadically and started dating at age 16. He was my first serious boyfriend and I was his first girlfriend. We lost our virginities with each other. Long story short, even back then, we knew we were going to get married but, parents being what they are had a panic attack that we were so serious at such an early age and colluded to make sure we went not only to different colleges but, to colleges in different States. My father died suddenly at the end of my Senior year in High School and a couple of months later I found myself alone, surrounded by strangers with a mother who had become distant dealing with her own unresolved emotional issues regarding my father’s death. My “best friend”, the person who had been my rock for so many years, was now hundreds of miles away and phone calls just didn’t cut it when I needed some hugs, which was daily. We had agreed, per our parents request to “see other people” and I slid into the party girl lifestyle (and how) while he did not. He tried dating one other girl but, ended up talking to her about me and his concerns for where I was headed and that pretty much put the freeze on that as it was obvious he was still in love with me. Me? I was able to easily separate the feelings of love I still had for him from “just sex”, pleasure and feeling a physical intimacy with another person. Fast forward three decades, raising five children (two are still teens) and a myriad of roadblocks that life throws at you from moving to job losses and I am happy to say, our marriage is still solid, maybe even more solid than it ever has been. We are still very much in love with one another, enough so, that perfect strangers feel the need to approach and comment on it. About two years ago, DH started having problems with ED and libido. He went for a more indepth physical to rule out heart disease, low testosterone etc. and was proclaimed healthy as a horse…except for a slightly enlarged prostate for which he takes a small daily dose of a well-known ED medication and while it has helped a bit, not enough. At first, we went through the idea that maybe it was just stress at work and I made sure to take steps to ensure that he was getting a good diet, regular exercise, getting enough sleep and of course, plenty of opportunities for stress release. When that all met without success, the ugly monster of self-doubt started to creep in. Maybe I just didn’t physically turn him on anymore. I took a good look at myself, lost five pounds (I was a loose size 6 to begin with), contemplated breast enhancement surgery, threw out my old flannel night gowns in lieu of some silky jammies and did my best to make sure that at all times I remained pleasing to the eye. We did a lot of talking and made some changes to our sex lives including getting out of the vanilla rut we had fallen into over the years. Weekends away from the kids, toys, shared porn watching, even a bit of mild S&M and learning Tantric sex. All of it has helped to a miniscule degree but, again, not to the point where our sex drives are anywhere near matched like it used to be. Fact is, he just doesn’t want it as much as I do and it isn't something you can fake with someone who knows you inside and out. The lack of passion, more than the ED, was starting to make me depressed and unhappy with other aspects of our lives. About six months ago, we discussed many possibilities; everything from hotwifing, to traditional swinging, to cuckhold, to opening our marriage and seeing how that went. He wants me above all else to be happy, he was starting to miss my usual happy do-lucky free spirited self. For six months, it has been a topic of discussion every weekend on “date nights”. Back and forth, forth and back we talked…we even set up “rules of engagement” should we ever decide to pull the trigger. We didn’t until last weekend. DH had gone to the car to get his cell phone and I stood watching the live band playing. A tall very attractive stranger sidled up to me and struck up a conversation. We talked for a while and DH stood a distance away watching. Then a moment later, I looked back in DH's direction and he had disappeared into the crowd. Stranger asked me to dance (we do country western), so I said yes. After the fact, he started talking again and asked the big one. “Are you here alone?” I had to be honest. “No. I’m here with my husband and he is floating around here somewhere.” The stranger visibly stiffened. “But, he’s not going to care that you and I are flirting and dancing. We have an open marriage.” To my surprise, Stranger started to relax. “So, like he won’t mind if I borrow you for the night?” Stranger finally said. “I don’t know. We’d have to ask him. Do you want me to go do that?” I said. Again, cutting to the chase, the three of us talked for a while: together and then separately giving each party a chance to have their say alone with Stranger and then Stranger left DH and I alone a bit to talk. Stranger was divorced about a year ago, has no desire to be in another long term emotional relationship, is seven years my junior, gainfully employed, intelligent, discrete and shared a lot of my interests (we can carry on a conversation) and he had never done anything like this before. He was willing to follow all of the rules DH and I had previously discussed; surprisingly, including that DH got to watch and participate with me if he so chose. DH booked a nearby hotel room and all went well though the only penetration happened between me and DH. Stranger invited DH to hold my hand while Stranger made me cum for the third time. DH even left us alone for a couple of hours and told me to meet him in the parking lot when we were done. Stranger, gave me his number and told me to call if that was what we wanted. Afterwards, DH and I went home with big smiles on our faces and had the best sex we had had in a while; he actually seemed like he wanted it rather than giving me what I wanted out of obligation. The next morning, we concluded that this just might work for us though, he admitted that watching didn’t do much for him. Three days passed and I did finally call Stranger. It was his first time doing anything like that and I figured, he might have some regrets and wanted to feel out his thoughts. Nope. Stranger is fine with it, though he also admitted that being watched was uncomfortable for him. We have met for coffee once since just to see where, if anywhere, this might go. Our little discussion only reinforced that I made a good choice with this man being our first. He is a good person and can, like me, separate sex from “having an emotional relationship”. It has now been almost a week hence and DH and I have done a lot of talking (and passionate lovemaking) since. He has changed his stance on several of the rules as he makes an emotional shift between talking about things and having actually experienced them. He no longer has any problem with me going it alone with Stranger as long as he knows where I am at all times (with Stranger) and how long I will be gone. He has given the go-ahead to have penetrative sex if it evolves that way. This whole experience, though more of a bar pick-up than “swinging” has sparked a passion for me, in him that I have not seen in a very long time. He is actually flirting with me throughout the day. I feel a sense of relief in so many ways it is hard to count. His ED is still a bit of an issue but, nothing like it was before. It matters more to me that he wants sex again than how long or how hard he gets. For the last week, he has been able to satisfy my desire and meet my own passion with some of his own. For the first time in years, he is the one initiating sex. My question for all of you is what is the best direction to take things from here? Me getting emotionally involved with Stranger beyond a respectful interaction for mutually satisfying sex is not going to become an issue for any of us. Stranger and I are using each other, we all know it and have discussed it in very honest terms. We aren’t hanging out with each other’s friends or discussing our extracurricular arrangement with others. It is really just a “fuck buddy” kind of thing and will remain so. The question we have is if we should expand our horizons a bit. DH is open to doing something similar on his side (thinks, but actually pulling the trigger on it might be a different thing) but, having never been with another woman is a bit daunting for him, especially with his ED. He is a good looking man, looks a bit like present day George Clooney. Women constantly make passes at him. He doesn’t even realize when a woman is flirting with him. Hell, when we were 16, I practically had to do a lap dance at a football game before he thought I was interested in going out with him. He doesn’t realize how attractive he is and is a bit shy, which makes him absolutely irresistible to a lot of females. We have thought about visiting a swinger’s club in a nearby town but, with all of the hacking that goes on in technology these days, having our names on a “list” somewhere as members makes us really nervous. Even posting here is bringing trepidation. Any suggestions would be appreciated.

My late wife and I had talked so much about sex with others that we didn't hesitate to try it when the opportunity arose (so to speak). Sometime before, Laura had done a sexy single dude and told me her story from before the first kiss to the last. She seduced him and I helped her plan it. Our first couple experience started with swapped kissing in our living room where Mrs. Playmate and I remained at first. When the heat had risen considerably, with everybody nude, Laura and Mr. Playmate went into the bedroom. Mrs. Playmate had finished her second tongue-inspired climax when the noise in the bedroom grew in volume. We decided see what was so inspiring my wife. As we entered the bedroom, Laura was on her back with widely spread thighs, her hand guiding Mr. Playmate's cock into place. She huskily said into his ear, "Fuck Me! I'm gonna come! Fuck Me!" She audibly gasped as he penetrated her. She grabbed his buttocks and stretched her legs skyward, her toes pointing toward the ceiling, the whites of her eyes visible. That was the most erotic sight I had ever seen. It's still in the top several. Mrs. Playmate leaned across the bed and made a similar suggestion to me. She and I watched her husband slide furiously within my wife. There was no doubt of what was going on when he pumped semen into Laura while she sucked his tongue. They eventually turned over. Laura slid off and, with her smile wrapped around Mr. Playmate's semi-turgid cock, grinned lewdly into our eyes. I never felt any jealousy, just very much aroused. Laura and I had agreed that we would make our first swap exciting for ourselves and our playmates, knowing only that our marriage and our love for each other would not change. If a couple has developed fear-free communication, there is no limit to what either of you may do with others. Y'all are likely to talk about it afterward, and probably be anxious to make love together. In my opinion, that's why people swing.

Then there are some of us who find "sloppy seconds" to be arousing or at the very least, neutral. The concept of being last, being the one who remains when all others have gone, of being the one she chooses to be with in and out of the bedroom is quite gratifying to some of us. One of the great things about the lifestyle is the variety of people and of viewpoints. Having said that, I fully understand the other viewpoint, how another guy's goop is unappealing.

To call semen "goop" shows an aversion to bodily fluids. One needs to get past that in order to enjoy swinging, in my opinion.

The late Mrs. Alura always promised me that I would be last. She kept her word.

I'll add our two cents - Mrs. EastInWest, when we met, was looking for a more vigorous sex life than she'd ever had. I'm a bit younger and her boyfriends bored her, she'd gotten out of a poorly conceived marriage and felt like she'd wasted a lot of time and now men she was meeting weren't aggressive like they were when she was high school and college age. That was a disappointment, because she'd spent those years working very hard to be a good Catholic girl and didn't partake very much. Once we started doing our thing, at one point she told me that if she'd known the difference, she would have spent those years on all fours in a locker room. She really likes that she can be open about that side of herself, and our few play sessions have been an outlet for her to try things she just could not have brought herself to do at age 20. I was the one who brought it up. There's still a lot going on that ties her up in knots sometimes, but it's been a ton of progress.

What do you class as soft swap? We class everything apart from penetrative sex as soft swap. So your wife can kiss, have oral, be played with and pretty much anything apart from have full sex? We have never really seen the point, oral sex and kissing etc are far more intimate than having penetrative sex. If you are thinking you cant handle watching her have sex then the chances are you wont be able to handle soft swap either. Why not go to a club and just play with each other infront of others? Afterall you must really be into each other to even consider swinging, there is no rush to touch anyone else. After doing the voyeur thing you may be extremely happy you didnt go any further..

Starting slow and setting some boundaries to experiment is wise. I knew going in that I was 100% on board for soft swap. Once we'd gotten that going, when the subject of full swap came up, I knew what the dynamic was and where she was at and knew I was OK with that, too. She wasn't sure about anything at all with me, but once it set in that it really was just "play" for me, she got comfortable. Whether it's different or not is a matter of personal taste and it depends on your idea of "soft". We've all got personal buttons to push based on our ideas about sex. Some of those early conversations about how we respond to things were pretty surprising. Talking it all the way through seems really important.

Well 1st off you both need to be on the same page - tell me if you go for a soft swap would you wife have any problems changing it to full if felt like it? I think the best thing to do is no swap at all and really talk before doing any thing. I'm not tring to put you off the idea just talk it out 1st.

We agree, your story is very well written. Sometimes the best thing to spark some excitement back into a relationship is to know that others still think of your SO as hot and exciting. It's easy to loose some of that spark after as many years as the two of you have been together. Add to that the problem of getting older and ED (once it starts, it can quickly just become a vicious circle where it gets worse as a self fulfilling prophecy). Since you don't have a problem with where things are going, and apparently your husband doesn't either, then we see nothing wrong with what you are doing. On word of caution however: keep making sure that the lines of communication are completely open. Don't let him fall into thinking he isn't needed anymore now that someone else is 'taking care' of you. Just a word of caution, not a prediction. Good luck and keep us updated on how things are going.

We really enjoyed reading your story. You were very frank and open in explaining the circumstances that have led you meeting Stranger. Very well written. We've been open for a few years now. She gets more... "attention" than he does, but we're not keeping score. We've had a variety of experiences that have had him involved or not involved. It has been a wonderful ride except that it isn't easy to find her kind of guy who wants to stick around. It has happened though. From a couple who's "been there", you'll get nothing but encouragement from us. Life is short. Be picky and go have fun. Just be sure to always communicate and share feelings with each other often. Best luck!