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An extraordinary article: Is an Open Marriage a Happier Marriage?

I think this is the best story I've ever seen in the popular press on the subject of consensual non-monogamy, mostly from a poly perspective.(I could have some institutional bias given that half a lifetime e ago I wrote for The Times for a decade.) Based on some of the comments here, I'm wondering if all the commenters have read the entire 12,000 word story. (This is, by the way, an unheard of length for even a feature story in a newspaper today!) This is not about a single couple, and it's the exact opposite of the typical popular-press titilating but cautionary tale (the kind that just annoys me.) It is about the experiences of a half dozen couples of various backgrounds and approaches to non-monogamy and the writer interviewed extensively - following up over the course of more than a year - 25 couples. She spoke with and quotes at length several sex-positive therapists and there is scarcely a cautionary note. What I found most positive was her suggestion that in the 21st century a fundamental change is emerging that represents a wider approach to how committed relationships can be defined. Was the primary focus of the story about what most of us here think of as Swinging? No. But any story that is aimed at a vanilla audience, albeit an informed and open-minded one, and validates non-traditional sexual lifestyles is, in my opinion, a good one for those of us in the lifestyle. Who among us wouldn't wish we could be more open with our vanilla family and friends about our sexual lifestyle choices? Not have to worry about losing jobs, family or friends? And of course in the long term (perhaps the quite long term) there is a greater potential benefit, more than just being freed from possible negative repercussions of being outed as a member of a disrespected sexual minority. As poly and other varieties of sexuality eventually become more fully accepted, our choices of partners will become wider.

On the contrary, such musings are pivotal to this board. We would argue that sex and sexuality are central to adult life. Sexual exclusivity is conventionally used to define and circumscribe marriage ("Why buy the cow if you can get the milk for free?"), The problem, of course, is that biology runs headlong into culture. How often do we see novices looking to "spice up their marriage"? That phrase acknowledges the tension. While there are surely sexless marriages, and while are surely there are asexual humans, sex is foundation to (most) adult lives and to (most) marriages. At its best, marital sex is joyous. Some marital sex is less joyous--makeup sex, pity sex, going-through-the-motions-sex. But it's still pretty good. Sex is generally pretty good. Whoever doesn't like physical pleasure and orgasms, you're free to leave the conversation. The angst arises with the possibility that someone else might be able not only to make your spouse feel good--but maybe do it better than you. The perceived vulnerability--the threat--is of marital dissolution and consequent abandonment. What makes a marriage "successful"? We would suggest that it is one that not only survives but actually thrives on events that occur both inside (e.g. raising kids) and outside (e.g. choosing how to interact with the complex pressures of work, money,time) the marriage. At the root of such success is the notion of partnership--"we are in this together, come what may, with and for each other, til death do us part".

I don't know that off road vehicles are erotic and/or foreplay. Swinging is about recreational sex. I play baseball and softball for fun and yet, we have yet to boink a shortstop and his wife in a club in either Pa or Fla. Mrs Doc loves the theater and most Shakespeare plays but I've never known her panties to get wet at a presentation of King Lear. Our sex hobby is distinctly different from our other forms or recreation. You may want to give that some thought.

I have an idea if it is financially feasible. Go to a lifestyle resort like Hedo or Desire. If you don't want to spend that much, go to a Swinger event in Charleston or Columbia or Atlanta. We have lifestyle friends from rural Texas. They just don't have the opportunities that we have in the New York metro area due to a large, diverse and liberal populace. I don't mean just politically liberal, but open minded. If you venture outside your area, you may find a more diverse crowd with more compatible people.

It was a nice article relating one couple's experience. I think some of us (count the husband and myself amongst those that came to consider open marriage late)get so ingrained in the singular highway of defining a "successful" marriage that you go through a lot of life never asking if there might be other roads leading to the same destination. "Oh no we can't go THERE!" On the one hand we are taught that a marriage is not all about the sex, there is so much more to it than that and yet, at the same time, it is also ingrained that having a sexual relationship with someone outside is an automatic deal breaker for a marriage even when there is so much else that is good about the relationship. Which is it? Is sex the foundation of marriage or is it only an ancillary part? Pardon my musings. I do agree that with the couple only having it come about after she had already found herself straying points to other issues, though maybe not a death knell variety. Perhaps, it was more of an extreme catalyst that was needed to make her realize that with her strong religious up brining, she had accepted what marriage should be without question. Only when she realized that it was indeed possible to have feelings for another man and still be very much in love with her husband did she really think to herself it was time to start asking questions.

The unfortunate part of this article is that while he originally up the idea of having an open marriage (but she 'rejected the idea'), and before they actually talked again about her now wanting to try an open marriage, she ended up cheating on him with another guy and said 'This is what I’m doing — deal with it'. I don't know why they can't find a couple of 'regular' people who both love and trust each other and decide to swing or open their marriage. It seems like there are new couples coming here almost on a daily basis that say just that. They've been married for years and have decided to spice things up by swinging. They talked about it, together decided to give it a try, and went out TOGETHER to see if they would be okay doing this. I'm glad that things worked out for the couple in the article, and any publicity is good publicity, but it would be nice to have an article about open marriage and/or swinging that didn't involve deception and lies as part of the trail to get there.

To call semen "goop" shows an aversion to bodily fluids. One needs to get past that in order to enjoy swinging, in my opinion.

Not wanting to share someone who is a smoker is totally understandable, however, after that, why place limitations? We have always been willing to meet almost any couple at least the first time (dinner or drinks only, no play) just to see if there is any chemistry. If there isn't, then fine, but if there is, it doesn't make much of a difference what they enjoy doing (other than sex). We have learned and tried out things that we normally wouldn't have because it was one of their interests...and we have liked it as well. Expand your limits and see what is there. BTW: Non smoker - check Wake boarding - check Off road vehicles - check Skiing - Almost broke both legs when I was in college and never even thought about trying it again. So there are some close matches out there (in this case, California), but even a perfect match on paper is totally different from finding a couple that you have chemistry with. Keep looking and you will find what you seek. North West South Carolina - if only you could somehow get 'east' in there

Wng aboute do talk and we are talking more. His goop moment wasn't with me it was with others. I used the goop because we use that between ourselves. We also use Jackie for ejaculate. It's our play words. I know it's semen. I don't think I ever used the word semen in any relationship I had. I think it was always cum. I can't remember any guy I was with say he was going to shoot semen. Or you have semen on you. I have heard of guys joking about sloppy seconds but this was a first for him to be a sloppy second. I could be wrong but I think a lot of guys are even afraid of their own cum. My boyfriend is far from the first guy I have been with. I think girls have always had to deal with cum. I learned early on that when a guy cums he doesn't care where it goes as long as it's not on him. I know I have friends that don't like to be near cum. This is just from talk I know that some of my friends will not let their boyfriends cum in their mouth. I admit at first I didn't either. I would say it was an acquired taste. I know there is no typical thing or normal thing but I am fine with a guy who cums in my mouth and if he cums in me and he wants I will take him in my mouth again. Most of the guys I have been with will not give me oral after they finished unless I cleaned up and that's their own goop. I have been with guys who won't kiss after oral sex.

Appreciate the input one and all. I hadn't realized how rambling my post was so I apologize for that. Was trying to interject some humor especially on a topic of not communicating to show I'm not a complete stick in the mud. I understand it's a social event and my whole concern was specifically a discussion of work, but also more generally the overall direction of conversation which you fine folks have covered. We're not opposed to opening up eventually but want to know someone first. "Quid pro quo, Clarice." (In hind sight I guess a Hannibal Lecter quote probably isn't best in this forum....kinda creepy!) I also have a tendency to research new items to death and that is likely what im doing. I'm also posting questions or concerns both of us will have to try to ease the Mrs' s concerns too. Again thank you for the responses. I do feel considerably more relaxed about that topic. Just hoping the rest of the stars align and we can actually go! Can't line the munchkin-minder up yet and thats the biggest one!

We've never been asked what we do for work while in a club, Mrs Scared worries about disclosing her job but it honestly never came up, a lot of the talk has been about clothes between the girls lol and of course shoes, try not to overthink it and turn it into a big obstacle , we found it easy to lose our inhibitions in a club environment which was the opposite to how we thought we'd feel, swingers are usually very easy to talk to from our experience

I read back through your question and I think maybe you're asking what to say if someone asks about your line of work? It doesn't happen too often, but you can say something general like I own a business or I work for the government, or it's boring. If they persist (very rare), just say you'd rather talk about fun than work.

We usually ask: Have you been here before? How long have you been in the lifestyle? How did you get started? Have you been to other clubs? This will give you quite a bit of information and people will usually talk for quite awhile and ask you about your situation in return. If there is an attraction these topics will often lead to racier conversation: how they like to play, fantasies, past experiences, etc. We rarely talk about work or kids in a swing situation. You can also ask about hobbies, pets, sports, vacations. There are lots of things people like to talk about.

I can understand your critique and it is one of the pitfalls of written communications and not actually knowing the people in question, that often things go unsaid which probably should not. Both of us read your post. A short summary of the commentary from him: DH said to tell you that as far as the issue of him not having a choice here, don't worry about him. He said neither of us has a doubt that if either he or I wanted to call it quits, wanted to go back to a monogamous lifestyle, that either of us would do anything for the other. It sure would be a lot easier from a logistics standpoint. No questions asked. DH says he is not the free spirit that I am and knows that loosening up a bit would be good for him. He has actually always coveted the ability that I have to speak my mind and be myself without constantly worrying about being judged by others. It is part of why he loves me so much and without it, I wouldn't be me. That even though he is moving much more slowly than I, he is finding it to be a worthy pursuit. He says he will get there in in his own time or not---in which case we can always decide to make another change. We balance each other out in the best way possible. Whatever partners we encounter know that any one of us can put the brakes on this at any moment. It is part of the discussion we have with them. To clarify, this was something that both of us have brought up to one another during the last few years. Sometimes he was hesitant to take that step and sometimes I was. Eventually through discussions, we BOTH decided to give this a try and see how it works for us. Neither one is going to leave this marriage for any reason. Period. If you would like to get into some of the trials and tribulations of what we have been through in our lives that I did not detail here, start with $26,000 a year, 20 years old with a baby and no government assistance or parental charity taken. We dug ourselves out of that quagmire to make quite a nice life for our family and we did it as a team. If you don't think that was tough enough, try putting yourselves through college at the same time. You need not worry about my feelings of self worth or the adoration and admiration I feel for my husband. He is the most wonderful caring father and husband. I am quite proud of what we accomplished together. What were you doing in your relationships at age 20? I know what all of our friends were doing and it wasn't working full time, changing diapers, making meals and being so dog tired that you found yourself waking up the next morning with your face firmly planted on a text book, while trying to make a traditional marriage work long term as you both ran in different directions one off to your 7:30 am micro economics class and the other getting ready for work. Rinse. Repeat. Ask me to show you a person that has absolutely no self doubts, never evaluates what they could have done differently or thinks they could have done something in their lives better and I will show you either an arrogant ass or a psychopath. I am far from perfect and made my share of mistakes but, I love my husband and put his feelings before my own. I am not easily insulted but, in this case I am actually insulted that you would even entertain the idea that I would walk out on my husband because he has a little issue sometimes in the bedroom. Talk about blows to my self-worth? Thanks a lot. We will depart this earth married and very much in love with the other. If the last 30+ years working through issues of far greater importance to a marriage than sex haven't already evidenced that, I don't know what would.

I may sound like a hypocrite when I say you should be using condoms. I think you can understand that this is something your boyfriend probably never saw before. He most likely has only seen his own goop. If this is his first experience he is getting thru seeing a group of naked people, people having sex in front of him, other men walking around with erections, women willing to have sex with him in an open room and maybe the hardest thing, watching you enjoying other men. Each of these things all at once can be overwhelming. Then something he didn't plan on, another man's cum left behind. As the others posted, take your time and be aware of his hesitations

Yes, there are couples who do that... where only one member of the couple plays with others and the other just watches. The key is good communication. First and foremost, you must be absolutely sure that your husband understands and is OK with this restriction. The big danger of "unequal" play is that partners can grow resentful and this causes drama. Drama is bad. You also must make sure that anyone you play with also understands this - that you alone will play and that your husband will watch. As for being the "right place" I would say if you are looking for a place where you can freely ask any questions you have about swinging and sexuality in general, and get a wide variety of honest, helpful and largely non-judgmental answers, you are - IMHO - in the best place in the world internet! Welcome to Swingersboard.

One year on a road trip, my girlfriend and I stopped for the night at a cheap motel. She was a hottie and dressed the part. The older guy clerk gave us the room next to the office and I am sure this was done for a good reason on his part.perhaps he even had a viewing hole of camera, but at least he expected to hear us making love. She was hot and horny all the time. I am talking about getting naked in the passenger side and fingering herself to numerous orgasms as we drove during the day even through major cities. Heels on the dash and masterbating type girl. When she did have clothes on during a trip, she wore a short dress and nothing on under it. One suck dress zipped all the way down in the front, so she could show a lot or a little. Since she had been masterbating in the car, she was still horny and got out with me to go check in wearing the black zipper dress and black heels. Since we were out of town and it was a small motel, she unzipped the front down to about her belly button before we went inside. Her 38 D breasts looked good and most of them were showing. The clerk could not stop staring at her. When we saw the room was next to the office it was clear we needed to give him what he was looking for. I wasted no time getting between her legs and licking her now soaked snatch. This made her scream with orgasm after orgasm. I mean she was loud and I loved it. After avid licking she begged for my cock and I entered her dripping pussy which only made her louder. No way she would have stopped for anything or anyone. We thought the clerk was likely jerking off and this only made it better and her pussy wetter.

It IS a nice place. Great website and wonderful reviews: Scarlet Ranch Home https://www.yelp.com/biz/scarlet-ranch-littleton

Lots of nuts, either way.

The cumshot is the best part. Why would a woman want to deprive herself of that? And actually let me correct myself - the cumshot is the second best part. The few seconds just before the cumshot is really the best part, especially if the guy fights to hold back. There's an eerie premonition of excitement in those few seconds. You can feel the shaft harden, the head bloat, and if your mouth is low enough on the shaft, you can feel the vas deference starting to pulsate in preparation for the inevitable cumshot. It's a feeling like cresting that first hill of a rollercoaster. You know the big thrill is just a few seconds away, and you wait for it with anticipation. The cumshot just puts the icing on the cake (didn't mean to get too graphic there). Make sure your wife understands that a man starts ejaculating BEFORE his orgasm reaches maximum intensity. His pleasure peaks right at about the second or third cum squirt. So for his sake, once you sense he's about to cum, slide your head all the way down, hold it perfectly still (guys really don't like the head pumping thing, but that's a topic of another post), press your tongue firmly against the shaft, and with your head motionless, slide your tongue up and down the shaft and frenulum waiting for the cumshot ... and keep doing that until all the cum is done. Another note - stop as soon as he's done (you can tell by the shaft beginning to soften in your mouth). Guys really don't like having direct stimulation to the penis during the refractory period. One final note, with all due respect, I take exception with your title. It's really not up to you to "allow" her (or forbid her) to do anything. You and she should (and I assume you do) have mutual respect for one another's desires, rendering words like "allow" unnecessary.