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These are similar to the thoughts that came into my mind as I read your story. I will add something. After processing the pain, assess you desire to save your relationship. If you feel hope that it can be retained, look for professional help -- a licensed marriage counselor.

I don't know if there is a term for it, but it does exist. For a couple of years hubby had regular sexual relations with a series of women, women that I vetted and chose. It was a power thing on my part, I was playing and he had agreed to be monogamous, but it was my way of getting over that. I would do the selecting, talk with these women to find out whether they were open-minded and suitable, introduce her to hubby, socialize with her with hubby present, wait for her to make the first hint of interest in hubby, then let her know that I was receptive and we both would be flattered... By the time she and hubby would have sex I had a feeling of accomplishment and comfort that overcame any jealousy that I had had.

Swingers, as a group, are very conscience of health, hygiene and stds. I'd be willing to bet your husband did not catch the clap from the people he's blaming, they are just convenient. I'd bet he really doesn't know where he got it but that truth really IS inconvenient. Time to cut your losses he's been screwing around for years.

Bill Murray in Ghostbusters: “I make it a rule never to get involved with possessed people.” Sigourney Weaver, embraces him even more passionately than before. “Actually, it's more of a guideline than a rule...”

My sympathies @waningmoon. Being betrayed sucks, I hope you are seeking solace in friends and family that can help you heal. About your situation, there are two types of non-monogamous relationships, ethical and non-ethical. You've just discovered (to your dismay) that you've actually been part of a non-ethical non-monogamous relationship. Not by your choice obviously, but definitely by his. I would guess that this is a genie that you cannot put back in the bottle. The foundational expectation of your relationship - that you would be sexually and emotionally monogamous - was not in fact a shared by both of you. So, what do you do with that? Well first I encourage you to heal and get over your anger and grief, give yourself the time to do that, and you don't allow yourself to get pushed to 'put it behind you' etc, until you've truly processed this pain and betrayal fully. Then you need to decide what you want to do about your relationship with this man. He has revealed to you that not only is his assumptions about your relationship different than yours, but he's also willing to act on his assumptions regardless of whether you are on board or not. You need to decide if you are willing to be in an 'open-ish' relationship with him. If so, he has to decide if he's willing to abide by some ethical guidelines if that is the case. Open relationships can range from fully and equitably open, to 'don't ask don't' tell. The choice is yours (and his). However, that may be a bridge too far, and if committed monogamy is the only kind of relationship you can see yourself part of, then my gut says this relationship is over. He can promise to be better, but really I think that would just mean better at subjugating/hiding/or disguising his true desires and behaviour. D

There needs to be but I don't know of a specific term. Other than 'pig' (a married man wanting to sleep with women other than his wife is usually called a pig)

Never move faster than the slowest member is comfortable with. Don't rush, don't pressure her, let her make the decision when the time is right (and it may never be). Enjoy the trip as much as the destination. She will be ready when she is ready. In the mean time, just let here know that you support her with whatever she decides to do.