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After a few years off from parties, I returned with a new friend in tow to help me feel more at ease. He's new to things so rather than opt for a party where I knew I'd have some friends I directed us to one neither of us had been to... then proceeded to do everything wrong. I know better. I'd just forgotten. We did a few things right and made a few mistakes as well... the mistakes had pretty big effects We arrived early (at the beginning of the party) because I hate walking into an already crowded party. I prefer to let the room fill around me so that my comfort level can increase as the party fills up. We were actually a little later than I usually try to be... yet when we walked in the room was still pretty empty... Mistake #1: We headed to a table in the back corner (in non-swinging situations this is my norm, but I forgot that in social situations it's generally a bad idea). Mistake #2: We sat down (at a table with other people). Again, I forgot. My MO for years was to not sit down (almost ever unless we knew it was with someone we were interested in), instead we'd drop our things and then proceed around the room to meet and greet anyone and everyone. Mistake #3: We stayed put. The longer you stay put the harder it becomes to get up and move around and meet people. This is a classic newbie mistake... the sitting and waiting for people to come to you... I know better...and yet I did it anyway. It's so easy in these situations to blame everyone else when you don't end up meeting people. We did meet two couples (the couple we sat down with and one other couple we'd met in the hallway on the way to the party who later joined our table), unfortunately there was no mutual interest with either couple. At first I couldn't figure out what had gone wrong and wanted to blame the party. "It was like these people just came with the people they wanted to play with... there was that one guy who came over to say hi, but his wife wouldn't even leave their table of friends.....). However, looking back and after re-reading my own damn book I realized it was all on me, because I knew better. Needless to say our next party went very differently... sit, we did not. Meet people, we definitely did. Have a great time? Oh yeah. Even old hands need a refresher course when it's been a while.

One cannot avoid the news outlets. We learned this week of two powerful men, one from each political party... 1. A vocal pro-life Congressman not only caught cheating on his wife but also advising his girlfriend to have an abortion. His behavior was exposed in the Pittsburgh press. He has resigned office. 2. A leading Hollywood producer who routinely preyed on young actresses and payed "hush money" later to the point that his repeated transgressions became an open secret around his company. His behavior was exposed in the New York press. His company has put him "on leave". He has vowed to sue the media that "outed" him. While the two political parties are trumpeting each other's current embarrassment as evidence of immorality, a look backwards reveals their shared hypocrisy. Not the first time. The "rules" of vanilla life keep sexuality in the dark where it can be used to inflict all sorts of pain. It will happen again Contrast that with a swinger event. About as egalitarian as it gets--no one really cares about "station" in vanilla life. About as candid as it gets--"no" means "no" and it ends there. It's not cheating if your spouse is standing (or reclining) next to you. Some of the most respectful people and situations that we see. We know that many vanilla folks view the LS as "bad", "immoral", whatever. Not from our perspective. We see respect.

Attractiveness is quite subjective. We've found that we've had a LOT more fun since we modified our selection process from finding the "perfect" couple to finding a "doable" couple. For us, this is recreational, we're not necessarily looking for people to introduce to our kids or take to an office party. We're looking for people who are attractive and fun. The advice about an on premises club is great. Go, be friendly, be open, and show your affection for one another. Its amazing how people want to share the fun when it's clear that YOU are having some.

Just by way of an update, things are going great so far. We arrived yesterday afternoon beat up from the flights, but she loves the scenery, and we didn't realize the third couple wouldn't be arriving until today. That gave her a little time to adjust and for us to get our clocks reset. Happy to say we didn't waste much time, our play partners kept us up late last night. We still woke up early this morning, she's out by the pool and I'm just finishing up a couple of things that popped up while we were travelling before I shut down at work for good. Thanks again for the encouragement.

My wife and I have met more than one May-September lifestyle couple. Have no concern. Just jump right in.

For the age difference, I don't see a problem. A bigger problem is when one spouse is a "10" and the other is a "2." My wife is objectively cute, but I was very heavy until I lost 50 lbs. last year. My wife saw past it, but I think that my overweight status affected our swinging success. On the other topic, go to the swingers club on a couples only night. Plan to observe or play with each other, but be flexible if you get a nice offer. Figure out your limits before you go and stick to them. If you are not enjoying it, go home and try another time.

Dear Julie, First, welcome home. We’ve missed you! You are quite correct, couples are often asymmetric with respect to the care and thought they put into dressing up for party. We have noticed similar: the ladies put more effort into their costume than the men. Your theory is one possible explanation. There are others that might complement, for example: 1. Women seem to embrace the fashion aspect of gatherings differently than men. Men think nothing of wearing the same jacket and slacks a couple of days in a row. We know no women who would ever wear the same outfit two days in a row barring exigency (such as being snowbound at an airport). On average, women seem to take much more care about the impression they make with their dress, regardless of whether it is a business suit or a bustier. 2. Women seem to embrace the social aspect of parties, vanilla or lifestyle, differently than men. On average, they like the flirt, the glance, the touch, the seduction more than men. Many women will include an unique article of clothing, a piece of jewelry, a new color lipstick or nail polish —something to spark conversation. Men, not so much. It creates for some awkward situations. Many men let their “dating skills” atrophy. They miss opportunities to connect. It’s a bit frustrating for many couples. There is a silver lining. The gents who take even a modest amount of care with their appearance, can engage in conversation beyond the weather and sports teams, and who are tuned to the glance, the touch and so on tend to have a great time in these settings. They are also the ones who seem most attuned to their lady’s experience. Kind regards.

We are actually thinking of Sameplace. We’re only there mid week and there is a couples night when we’re there. Thought that might be better than fending off single men all night. My wife is younger and the better looking of the two of us We’ve already discussed the “what if’s” and agreed that we go no further on this first time.... if indeed we do like what we see and decide to stay.

It's not cheating if you are holding hands with your spouse as they are doing the other's spouse... Yummy!

We have met some great couples in the LS. Great communication, respect for their spouse and others. Compersion:: enjoying that another is enjoying themselves. It's not cheating if your spouse watches!

I'm not surprised the woman that wrote the book (well, one of them) on swinging was able to step back, analyze what went wrong and why it went wrong, then take ownership and correct it. Glad to hear the second party was fun.

The guy was a sneak! In a group situation as described, one should assume condom use unless it's been previously discussed and agreed upon. Who cares if they are "condom optional"? He was trying to put his dick in you, he should have asked first. We are not big fans of condoms and are past concerns about procreation. Still, any sleezeball can pay admission to a club or get an invitation to a party. He clearly didn't care about your concerns so we totally agree with putting him on the top of your "do NOT play" list. He is untrustworthy. We enjoy bareback with very VERY select friends but we have never ever engaged in penetration with a couple without a clear understanding of their standards and without total agreement between us all.

My reply: I totally get where you are coming from and why you might not want to play with them again. That's something that should have been communicated about prior to play (on both sides). Make sure you make it clear that condoms are required early on so that it's a non-issue (and if it's an issue for them you'll know before you waste time).

WTF is a ddlv community? Is there a "community" now for every weird fetish?

My wife and I are both members of a secret Facebook group that is uberactive. Parties are posted months in-advance by the group owner. Other members post occasional dates at various locations. The parties average 50 people but have been as many as 100 for one occasion this past summer. The group owner has an adequate-size home and outdoor pool so that number is practical. We alway have a good time and meet new people.

This is one of those topics that gets under my skin, and I keep a pretty close eye on guys that play with my wife, knowing that once she gets warmed up she won't say no to anything. If I found out a guy tricked her into playing bareback, I'd be leaving the party in handcuffs.