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After a few years off from parties, I returned with a new friend in tow to help me feel more at ease. He's new to things so rather than opt for a party where I knew I'd have some friends I directed us to one neither of us had been to... then proceeded to do everything wrong. I know better. I'd just forgotten. We did a few things right and made a few mistakes as well... the mistakes had pretty big effects We arrived early (at the beginning of the party) because I hate walking into an already crowded party. I prefer to let the room fill around me so that my comfort level can increase as the party fills up. We were actually a little later than I usually try to be... yet when we walked in the room was still pretty empty... Mistake #1: We headed to a table in the back corner (in non-swinging situations this is my norm, but I forgot that in social situations it's generally a bad idea). Mistake #2: We sat down (at a table with other people). Again, I forgot. My MO for years was to not sit down (almost ever unless we knew it was with someone we were interested in), instead we'd drop our things and then proceed around the room to meet and greet anyone and everyone. Mistake #3: We stayed put. The longer you stay put the harder it becomes to get up and move around and meet people. This is a classic newbie mistake... the sitting and waiting for people to come to you... I know better...and yet I did it anyway. It's so easy in these situations to blame everyone else when you don't end up meeting people. We did meet two couples (the couple we sat down with and one other couple we'd met in the hallway on the way to the party who later joined our table), unfortunately there was no mutual interest with either couple. At first I couldn't figure out what had gone wrong and wanted to blame the party. "It was like these people just came with the people they wanted to play with... there was that one guy who came over to say hi, but his wife wouldn't even leave their table of friends.....). However, looking back and after re-reading my own damn book I realized it was all on me, because I knew better. Needless to say our next party went very differently... sit, we did not. Meet people, we definitely did. Have a great time? Oh yeah. Even old hands need a refresher course when it's been a while.

The preoccupation with public figures' lives seems to be largely rooted in schadenfreude: interest in the lifestyles of the famous rises when one has been "caught" and transformed into a lifestyle of the infamous. "We the people" seem to be indiscriminate in our appetite for exposure: personal peccadilloes (sex tapes, anyone?) seem just as juicy as felonies. Last we looked, only about 3% of adults are asexual. The other 97% act on sexual impulses, and only a tiny fraction of those acts are either nonconsensual or criminal. Yet the collective appetite for knowledge of personal lives is voracious to the point of being insatiable. We think this is because healthy sexual instincts require repression in so many domains of ordinary ("vanilla") life.

Alura, regret that we didn't meet when your spouse was alive. We suspect it would have been a delightful and memorable acquaintance. While many in the LS look forward to brief interactions focused on NSA play, we approach others -- and our times with them-- rather differently. Among body parts, we are more interested in the organ between the ears before those between the cheeks.

Hi all. My husband and I have been in the LS for about 7 months. Had some things not go as planned but got right back on the horse. Met this great couple that we did soft swap with. Set up a second date with the intention of full swap. Husband and I were both comfortable and excited or so I thought. Days before we were to meet my husband came to me and said he no longer wanted to do this lifestyle and gave me his reasons which I understood. He was scared of this changing us, of the unknown or us getting hurt. I could go on and on. Which we had discussed all of this prior to making the leap. I understand things change and this can be such a roller coaster ride at the beginning. I am so surprised at how crushed I fell. I was really looking forward to being with this couple. However; I do not know how to deal with the desire to still experience this. I feel like someone gave me a chocolate bar and right as I was putting it in my mouth it fell into the dirt. I am not sure how to just turn this off and be okay with it.

It seems y'all have been set back a bit, Cinnamon Swirl. I'd suggest y'all keep talking. Keep assuring your husband that he has nothing to fear. My late wife and I went through something similar. Years later we met a couple who helped us to put all doubts behind us. My best to both y'all!

I sent Julie the message after having difficulty starting the thread. It was a smallish invitation only party after a meet/greet. I had been on the bed with my date and I think he was there after with someone and actually just assumed I was interested, another issue I am having lately. Later I spoke to the host and he said same thing happened with his girlfriend and this and he had to stop and remind him. He said “they (he was half of a couple) were creepy that way.” I asked why invite them and it’s because that couple has a nice place they hope to use for future parties. I wouldn’t attend anyways and now question the hosts judgement. Passing on his parties. I am meeting too many aggressive/assuming men lately just because I am there or have conversations. It’s taking the fun away.

Laura was a treat in everything she did, Fundamental Law. It would have been fun to meet you and Mrs. F.L. Maybe in our next lifetime. Laura and I made plans to meet at Crazy Horse's lodge in the Happy Hunting Ground. Thanks for the nice words!

One cannot avoid the news outlets. We learned this week of two powerful men, one from each political party... 1. A vocal pro-life Congressman not only caught cheating on his wife but also advising his girlfriend to have an abortion. His behavior was exposed in the Pittsburgh press. He has resigned office. 2. A leading Hollywood producer who routinely preyed on young actresses and payed "hush money" later to the point that his repeated transgressions became an open secret around his company. His behavior was exposed in the New York press. His company has put him "on leave". He has vowed to sue the media that "outed" him. While the two political parties are trumpeting each other's current embarrassment as evidence of immorality, a look backwards reveals their shared hypocrisy. Not the first time. The "rules" of vanilla life keep sexuality in the dark where it can be used to inflict all sorts of pain. It will happen again Contrast that with a swinger event. About as egalitarian as it gets--no one really cares about "station" in vanilla life. About as candid as it gets--"no" means "no" and it ends there. It's not cheating if your spouse is standing (or reclining) next to you. Some of the most respectful people and situations that we see. We know that many vanilla folks view the LS as "bad", "immoral", whatever. Not from our perspective. We see respect.

When my first wife was in medical school I once spent an evening with her and three or four of her female classmates. After a few glasses of wine the conversation turned to sex, including their personal experiences and opinions thereon. It far exceeded the limits of any conversations about sex I’d had with my male friends.

I'd have to list intelligence as one of the most attractive features of the folks we played with. Our "dates" usually included dinner. The conversations normally lead to more understanding and honed the attractions. Without that, we probably wouldn't have played.

I'll agree that there is an army of single men, and married men posing as single men, wanting to be in the LS. But the overall quality is so low, that a dedicated, educated and articulate man can do quite well. If a couple is looking for a single guy, they are looking online. It's too difficult to navigate a bar full of potential candidates and the success rate is low. It's very easy to get the attention of a couple with the right ad. I have no idea how a single guy in a club would do but judging by the attitude I have seen here over the years, I'd skip it. It may work for you though, Good luck.

Did you go yet? How was it if so?

Yes, like Dan63 says, somebody already a member of the group nominates you after which a group owner or group moderator approves you.

It's not cheating if you are holding hands with your spouse as they are doing the other's spouse... Yummy!

Just by way of an update, things are going great so far. We arrived yesterday afternoon beat up from the flights, but she loves the scenery, and we didn't realize the third couple wouldn't be arriving until today. That gave her a little time to adjust and for us to get our clocks reset. Happy to say we didn't waste much time, our play partners kept us up late last night. We still woke up early this morning, she's out by the pool and I'm just finishing up a couple of things that popped up while we were travelling before I shut down at work for good. Thanks again for the encouragement.

We have met some great couples in the LS. Great communication, respect for their spouse and others. Compersion:: enjoying that another is enjoying themselves. It's not cheating if your spouse watches!

The guy was a sneak! In a group situation as described, one should assume condom use unless it's been previously discussed and agreed upon. Who cares if they are "condom optional"? He was trying to put his dick in you, he should have asked first. We are not big fans of condoms and are past concerns about procreation. Still, any sleezeball can pay admission to a club or get an invitation to a party. He clearly didn't care about your concerns so we totally agree with putting him on the top of your "do NOT play" list. He is untrustworthy. We enjoy bareback with very VERY select friends but we have never ever engaged in penetration with a couple without a clear understanding of their standards and without total agreement between us all.

For the age difference, I don't see a problem. A bigger problem is when one spouse is a "10" and the other is a "2." My wife is objectively cute, but I was very heavy until I lost 50 lbs. last year. My wife saw past it, but I think that my overweight status affected our swinging success. On the other topic, go to the swingers club on a couples only night. Plan to observe or play with each other, but be flexible if you get a nice offer. Figure out your limits before you go and stick to them. If you are not enjoying it, go home and try another time.

I've taken the approach of I give what I'm given. If I feel like someone has put some effort into their profile and message to me and I'm not interested I will respond back politely and let them know. If I feel like they've put in no effort (their profile is basically empty or their message is empty or obviously canned) I don't respond back.

Unfortunately, the lifespan of clubs is often not nearly what we'd like to see. Keep looking at other options and keep reaching out. Often the "membership" is really just a matter of showing up, filling out a form, and paying your dues. But, it's good to contact the club and find out what the requirements are and what they expect.

there are a lot of women in the lifestyle in your boat... Just make it clear what your boundaries are. In a group room situation, people move in and out a lot of times, so there's very little expectation of quid pro quo. A lot of the communication in those situation is non-verbal but you may have to at times speak up and say "no thanks" or to ask if something is OK. It's good to get comfortable with that.

Usually if you contact the club they will help you with this. They WANT new members, but don't want problems...they just need to see that you are not going to be a problem. Good luck as you move forward and let us know how things progress.

For us guys, sex is like pizza... when it's good, it's really good, but when it's bad, it's still pretty good. I've been with some pretty dead fish, and still enjoyed myself. For girls, though, there's a lot of dead fish / selfish / untalented / jerk guys around. My wife has had many "no fun" experiences with guys. It's amazing how many don't even try.

I read Robin Hood in Middle English, Wornsilver. I was only able to do so because I have a huge dictionary which lists Middle English words as well as modern ones. Thanks for adding your knowledge to the discussion!

In Chaucer's Canterbury Tales, one of the stories is about an older husband who is betrayed and humiliated by his wife. I haven't looked it up, but I think the term "cuckold" is in that story which is written in Middle English and is difficult to understand without some help. Another theme in the cuckold tradition is humor--the cuckold is usually ridiculed in a manner that is funny to the listener as virtually no one was able to read back then. Now that's a piece of information you can't live without!!

My dictionary defines "cuckold" as the husband of an unfaithful wife. It comes from the habit of the cuckoo, a bird who lays her eggs in the nest of other birds, who then feed the chicks. The term doesn't really follow, does it? A "hotwife" is not unfaithful, in that her husband knows about her exploits and encourages them. She does not belittle him, rather, she is careful to tell her husband how much more she prefers him to any other man, but enjoys the excitement and fun of extramarital sex. They usually plan her adventures together. A "cuckold" is a husband who may or may not know about his wife's dalliances (until she tells him) but does not encourage them. In fact, he may resent it very much but endures the situation because of his inner need to be humiliated. She usually belittles him when telling about her actions. There is a big difference. That's my opinion.