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@Wornsilver: I think it's fairly common. There is a psychological aspect to forcibly entering someone's home, their sanctuary, their private and most intimate place. It is akin to rape to some degree. There is sometimes a degradation factor involved too. What could be more degrading than breaking into someone's home, fingering and then stealing their stuff, and shitting on their floor? Some seem compelled to jerk off in the underwear drawer or piss on the bed or eat their food or needlessly destroy things within the home. For that brief instant, the bad guy has a kind of cowardly power over his victim that he could never achieve otherwise. There are truly some sick individuals out there. OP…sorry I kind of hijacked your thread and I'm not suggesting that the woman you've described is of that nature but her repeated conduct does defy reasonable explanation or excuses. So, what's left? She's either an inconsiderate pig or a sicko.

Thanks everyone for the replies, Just got to get my nerve up and do it. We both enjoy it so much, don't want to quit

I just realized that I was so flabbergasted that this happened twice (the twice is the part that I can't wrap my head around), that I failed to even really register your question until now. So, how would we handle it? I can't say for sure, it all would depend on what we decided was the intent. If we thought the pooping on our floor was just some anal sex gone horribly wrong, then we would try to be kind about it and not embarrass her more than we assume she already is, so we probably wouldn't say or do anything. If it was someone we were really close with, then we would probably assume that if she was willing to talk about what happened, then she would bring it up herself by apologizing or whatever, and in that case we'd try to be reassuring that shit sometimes happens, literally in this case, no one but us seemed to notice, etc., etc. But, if it was a case of the attitude seemed to be "sometimes when I get pounded hard in the ass things get messy, and hey, it just happened to be on your floor since that where I was, what else was I supposed to do?"...twice...then we'd be pissed. We still wouldn't confront anyone about it, but they certainly wouldn't be on the invite list and the friend would be told that he didn't need to be inviting them either. If we saw them at the club or wherever, then we wouldn't go out of our way to talk to them, and if they said hi to us, we'd be polite but break it off quick and move on. If they persisted and you could tell were genuinely puzzled by why we were acting like we were, and asked, then we would tell them.

I've got mixed feelings about this. I wouldn't write messages on behalf of the couple unless I genuinely wanted to, and even then it would be at my pace, using my own words etc. I don't see why you should do this. If your partner wants to check the site and write more often, then he can do so himself. However 'you are a lucky man' in my view is a standard phrase from one man to another to show appreciation and to say thank you to the other guy for the willingness to share his woman. Basic politeness really. I don't see how this then implies that you're a chopped liver. My partner prefers younger women too, I don't personally see a problem with this. In swinging people are generally a little more direct and honest about their preferences than would be acceptable outside the swinging scene. That's just how it is. But if it cuts out too many good matches for you then maybe talk about it and see if you can agree an approach that suits both of you in a more balanced way.

Difficult. Trying to figure out why it happened will just eat you up. Even the cheater might not understand or be able to articulate it, not even in his own head. But it's not your fault, and not a reflection on anything you've done (including swinging). The usual advice for these situations is giving yourself space and time to calm down and work out what you want, in your own time. You could even ask him to move out until that happens - actions speak louder than words. But maybe him staying in the basement for a while is distant enough... If you decide to stay together it should probably be on the basis that he has an awful lot of redeeming features which, if this ever happened again, would compensate for his selfish behavior.

How many time I have to say the same thing. Swinging REQUIRES and abundance of love, trust, and communication. Usually this only comes from being in a long term relationship of at least several years (there are always exceptions, but this is more true than not). That it's your boyfriend and it sounds like you are both young does not help in establishing the basic love/trust/communication triangle. Granted, most people (usually men) are somewhat obsessed when they are given the green light to start down this trail (they want to 'do it' before the other changes their mind), but it sounds like he is a little too obsessed. He needs to slow WAY down and only you can tell him that. 'Always makes me' doesn't sound loving and 'perturbed' sounds even less so. Sounds like he has forgotten how lucky HE is for having someone who is even willing to consider this (and doesn't sound very loving again). You may very well be but this is a total lack of trust. Once again, a lack of love and trust. I'm trying hard not to be judgemental and negative, but the bottom line is neither of you should be doing this right now. Until you can openly talk without either of you shutting down, until you both can shore up your relationship and increase the trust you need for each other, you need to at least put this on hold. Swinging is a magnifying glass: it will make a great relationship grow so much larger, but at the same time, it will make any cracks or weaknesses so much easier to see. Continuing down this path at this time will most likely damage if not end your relationship. Good luck and let us know how things go. We wish you the best.

Don't get angry, get answers. Talk with him and work on making him comfortable with the idea. Set your rules and limits on the first visit to watching ONLY. Also, it never hurts to improve your communication and trust with each other. Anger is a harsh word. I'm sure that the clothes won't go to waste. You both need to be able to talk things out and come to understandings or you will eventually find that your relationship isn't doing well as he continues to have second thoughts and changes his mind (trust issues maybe?) and you harbor anger because of it. Lighten up, slow down, and work on fixing this first, you can ALWAYS go to a club at any time. Address the bigger issues first and overall things will improve. Let us know how things progress and good luck.

Well this was certainly unexpected...

I'm so impressed with the above post. Recognizing that you have a weakness and giving your wife the opportunity to deal with it from a position of reality is so commendable. So many in your situation choose to take the easy way out and lie about the situation. Giving folks the opportunity to forgive is important. Problem is you can't forgive someone for something that they haven't come clean about.

This is a pretty terrible situation. It's been said and probably true that cheaters are going to cheat. It's probably not that he loves you any less. He is tearing himself apart inside because he doesn't know why he has this sick need. Our mental health is maintained by a complex system of chemical releases. This 'health' is not perfect and in many people, the wiring is kinda fucked up. The reason I understand this is I have spent about 30 years trying to understand why my brain is constantly telling me to do horrible shit. My wife, bless her soul, is the worlds most understanding woman. She has supported me thru this life with great understanding. I would not expect this of anyone else. You need to do what you need in order to be happy. Tough decisions ahead. I just wanted to help you understand that this may not be all his fault, it's not your fault at all and has nothing to do with how beautiful and sexy you are. Don't blame yourself.

Hello. Please don't see this as judgy, cuz it definitely isn't. Most swingers are married, many of them for a long time. The fact that this is your boyfriend helps me to understand your feelings. I'm sure he is totally into this for himself using you as his ride. In order for you to feel secure in a swinging lifestyle, you must feel secure in your base relationship. By your comments, I don't get the impression he is the guy you will be with for the rest of your life. Keep an open mind about swinging. This should be an adventure that you share equally. There is a guy out there, many many guys in fact that only want to see you happy and sexually pleased. If you don't feel like you are in charge of the lifestyle, you should put the brakes on. Just my $.02

Honey I have say to you I'm so sorry that you are going through this. I've been in a similar situation and 10+ yrs later I STILL can't figure it out. Mine was a girlfriend that refused to swap with couples but later I found that she'd approach the male half secretly behind everyone's backs. It's weird and makes ZERO sense doesn't it? It hurts, even today it still kinda hurts some actually. It will and it's normal. This is what I've come up with after having 10 yrs to think about it. People are quirky, we get off on a WHOLE LOT of different shit. I've come to the conclusion that while my girlfriend at the time loved me, she got off on the deception. Me being with someone else wasn't part of the fantasy. Here's the deal breaker though, her fantasy/pleasure was more important to her than my happiness and comfort. I feel like she raped me in a strange round about way. It's never right to just take your pleasure at the expense of the feelings of someone that loves you. It sounds like you love your partner dearly and good on you for that. You HAVE to set boundaries if you guys are going to have a go at this. It's very important to your emotional health and the health of the relationship that you establish and stick to strict boundaries with this type of behaviour. Anything less and you will stuck in a vicious, painful circle of cheating, lies and pain. You sound like your self esteem is still intact although it has taken a hit. Learn to be a little selfish and don't forget about the YOU part of this thing. You are important and deserve respect. I hope this turns out alright for you two. In the end I wound up moving on. Strange thing is that when I finally did move on, my girlfriend couldn't stand it. She wound up picking up and moving across the country because she couldn't stand to see me with another woman. Strange, right?? In the end I grew tired of trying to figure it out. Good luck hon and please don't forget about YOU.

Classic - lol we have done this too then felt it was silly as we both have the option at any time to jump right in ( when asked too lol ) and so did you, take this as a learning curve and next time jump in when you want to, you know they both are happy to have you in the bed as well, so do it if you want to. I would of said "righto I'm coming in" and jumped in the middle if i was you! Good luck to all of you guys

And this is why we never play with anyone we just met. We need to know who they are, see if anyone we know knows them, check out their social media, etc. Sounds paranoid but we try all we can to avoid this kind of drama.

That's funny shit!

I think you mean most Swingers "condemn" cheating. Not to be the grammar Nazi, but condone and condemn are polar opposites.

It's really hard to tell what the heck happened in this situation. Reading it, I felt like maybe the other couple was not fully aware of your expectations. They acted like friends on a holiday, not swingers. There is the possibility that once the event was unfolding, the other couple was not as ready as you guys to jump in the deep end. Nerves can get pretty intense in times like this. The husband's rambling may have been a sign of that. I know it feels more comfortable going into this with other couples that share your experience level, but if getting things going is a problem, maybe a more experienced couple would be good for you guys. Getting things rolling becomes easier with experience. Can you tell us about the time before the trip? Did it seem like everyone was on the same page?

Holy shit!!!! (I just couldn't help myself). Apparently, neither could she. If she has a loose sphincter she obviously should not be engaging in anal in someone else's home. On the other hand, she may have some kind of weird fetish. I once arrested a burglar whose MO was that he'd crap on the floor of every house he ever broke into. Either way, loose back door or fetish, that couple should NEVER get invited back and frankly, I'd tell all of your friends as well. Your outrage is justified and I see no reason for you not to confront them on the next occasion you're all in the club. Its a shitty thing for her/them to do (there I go again…!!. Once is an accident, twice is just not giving a shit! Oh wait, that isn't right either. (OMG, I can't stop!!) Neither could she. Shit!!! You get my point right???

My guess, Lioness, is that you enabled them to have a unique experience. Had you joined that would have changed. In my opinion, you handled the situation beautifully. Next time, you might join in during a rest. Thanks for posting a unique question.

The long answer is maybe. The solution is to try talking about it. Find out why they are having problems with this. It could be that they just aren't 'cut out' for it or it could be that they just feel uncertain and afraid of damaging the relationship. If it is the first, you are done...just accept it and move forward. If it is the second, keep working on your trust and communication. This is a Pandora's box that cannot be closed after opening and they just may think that your relationship is more important than the risk...not a bad thing. Swinging is and will always be a TEAM sport. If one of you doesn't want to play, then don't play. What NOT to do is pressure them or try to convince them to do it knowing that they still don't want to. Make your relationship as solid as you can and then see where you are. Trying to force something will only do way more damage than good. Swinging will show your relationships faults and flaws and trying to use it to cover them will not work. Our short answer: Work on your relationship and then see where you both are.

Short answer, no. If your partner is against breaking social constraints, that's the way it is. The question is, do you wish to pursue other sexual outlets, or keep your relationship?

We disagree! "Playing the game" is much like taking one for the team. Would you suck a dick if the male was bi and you wanted the wife? Mrs Doc has a standard answer to the pre-sex question, "are you bi"?. Her reply is "I'm not, but hubby will eat my share".

Our first rule was 'no married men'. That rule changed to 'no married men without their wife's consent'. That rule changed to 'married men are fine'. When we started we were mid 40s. Most of the single men we found had issues. It was very hard to find a compatible guy. Eventually, we started accepting invitations to guys who admitted to being married and in a sexless relationship. We found these guys to be extremely passionate, thankful, generous and uninhibited. They had gone so long without sex that it was like Christmas for them. So yea, it's cheating, it's horrible and all. My wife went into this not ever wanting to be 'the other woman'. But if a wife decides to become selfish and distant, that's a problem that can result in consequences. I think my wife justified it by thinking that she didn't cause the bad marriage, she was just the end result. At the end of the day, we do what makes us happy. You can eliminate some of your concerns simply by making sure the guy knows, going into a first meeting, there will be no sex. If he's married, he needs to sit thru dinner and answer some tough, sensitive questions. He needs to know that YOUR wife is who is in charge of this and all decisions will be made by her, on her terms, in her time. Then, by the time he shows up to fuck, he knows that he's been vetted and has had expectations defined. Then just hold on!

First, I welcome you to Swingersboard. My wife and I have been solicited by men who are hiding things from a spouse or significant other. But we have also had success in meeting men who are truly single, earnest, personable, and capable. I believe that what shields us from people having hidden agendas is the fact that we have settled upon using only two truly-effective swing hook-up Web sites. We tried many over the years and judged them by the amount of foolishness that went on rather than the number of hits that our on-line profiles would receive. Another strategy that led to our success was to meet people at private swing clubs. What methods do you use for finding these men? I suspect that you could maybe use better.