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You are not alone, the LifeStyle is what you make it, what you have fun with. If your husband is on the same page with you, I don't think you have a problem. When a wife has sex with others, but the husband doesn't, it's called a 'Hotwife' situation. Many couples live this way. There's a good forum site, ourhotwives.org, that's dedicated to this phenomenon, and they even have a women's only forum where men aren't allowed to even see the posts. But like I said, your husband's got to be on board with this. If he is, if he's willing not to have sex with others, you're in good shape. But if it's causing dissension in your marriage, I suggest you talk to him calmly and gently about the situation. If you can't come to agreement, consider putting sex with others on hold while you work this out. The LifeStyle isn't for everyone.

For us what you’re talking about in this post isn’t swinging, it might not be cheating being you knew about it, and if it doesn’t qualify as an affair it damn sure borders on one. You can’t spend a week alone with another person, have continual sexual relations with that person, and spend a considerable amount of time with them without at the least some kind of emotional connection and involvement. In our relationship for either of us to spend a week with a stranger isn’t something that would happen. There are so many ways that can go wrong, not the least of which would be her safety. Taking somebody to bed for a romp during a party or something before coming back to me is one thing, spending a week with them is something all together different. What concerns me the most about the OP is the fact that after your wife spent a week with another man, there hasn’t been any reconnection sex. My wife and I engage in that as soon as we can after any encounter she has with another man. It’s inconceivable to me that if there was no emotional involvement on her part that she wouldn’t insist on reconnecting sexually with you immediately. For me that would be a big warning sign. As for me if that would have been my wife, I don’t care what else I have on my schedule, we’re going to have sex on the first night she gets home and she’s going to tell me all about her week, in detail. To me you both seem to be far too cavalier about this. The only answer I can come up with for that is that one or both of you aren’t treating this with the urgency that you should be. If you don’t have a problem with her having an affair that’s your business, but if you want to maintain a relationship with this woman you need to be more involved in her activities. The other thing you mentioned in the OP is that they burned through, “almost thirty condoms.” Now it’s true I don’t know how many almost is, I do know that thirty would mean she would have had to have gone through more than four condoms a day for the whole week. I’ve known some horn dogs in my day and I don’t think there’s a man that’s walked the face of the earth that is capable of sex four or five times a day for seven days straight with the same woman. Now that leaves you with two possibilities, either this man has the libido of a Greek God, in which case you’re not going to compete with this dude. Or your lady was having group sex all week and she was supplying the condoms. In either case you two need to talk before it’s too late.

This hobby is a minefield of hard to read intentions. Maybe direct but polite we’re not a match is best.

Everyone is different in all different ways, so without having a two-way honest conversation with your wife you may never know her reasons? But I can tell you that me and my husband have been together over 25 years and he initiated the discussions on swinging/swapping etc way back. Cutting it down, way down, he has always wanted to see me with another guy. There is obviously a lot more behind the scenes, but primarily he ideally wanted us to have a threesome with a guy. Firstly I was shocked and very surprised and I just didn't understand.....I didn't want anyone else! Over the years we've talked and played with the idea, fantasy stuff in the bedroom and it grew. You see I didn't really understand, but I got it, if that makes any sense? We have a very loving relationship and like most have been through some tuff times. A couple of years ago we had a good sit down and and although I couldn't or rather wouldn't picture my husband with another woman there was absolutely no way I was going to do anything on my own and potentially risk our relationship. We talked and talked and the answer was another couple. My husband was adamant he wasn't interested in any other woman, but me. Well now he understood! Now there is a lot I'm not saying here, but we live as a couple, so we either did this as a couple or not at all!

Second this. To be successful at swinging a couple MUST have a huge amount of trust and great communication skills. If this was me...well this situation wouldn't have happened since neither of us would go off for a week with another lover alone. When she returned, you both should have MADE the time to reconnect and talk about this RIGHT AWAY. Not wait until it was convenient or wait for the next weekend. Like the other posts we are also concerned about what is happening and what isn't happening. Please make the time for the two of you to reconnect and talk about this ASAP. Take the advise of all of us, this isn't right...there are red flags waving all over the place.

When you're in a club with another couple, the assumpiton by others is that you're a foursome. They will probably treat you that way until proved otherwise. The way to combat this - if you wish to - is to split off from your 'regular' couple and circulate. I would wonder what the expectation of your other couple is. Do they expect they'll be playing with you and that you won't be playing with anyone else? If so, you're on the way to becoming a 'semi-committed foursome.' Now you mention that the couple knows other people. Do they expect to be playing with others, that you may be playing with the clique - or with others - as well? I think you need to understand the desires of the other couple.

We like to play together. It’s a good way to make sure everyone is playing and not having an extra-marital relationship. That’s how we roll. If others are turned on by the hotwife scenario, good for them.

It has been a year for us and we are having fun. We have discussed rules and we don't have many. We discussed protection (we do sometimes play without), sex acts (almost anything unless we say no), kissing (no problem, I enjoy kissing), and who we will play with and when. I can play with any female alone or with him. He is allowed to play alone with 3 of my friends but he has to tell me before. I can play with one of his friends alone, his best friend. I originally was very much against playing with the friend and now we are both comfortable and enjoy when he joins us. He is the only guy we have threesomes with. We discuss everything after playing. We made it a rule not to hide anything. I slipped last year and I felt very guilty. We know this will only work if we are both happy and having fun. Recently we were together with his/our friend. They are both straight which make me the attention of both of them. My husband doesn't mind just watching. Most of the time it's one being busy and one in my hand or my mouth. My husband has told me he can sense an oncoming orgasm I'm about to have if I am sucking him. He likes to cum at the same time. The last time I came, he came and our friend was still going strong, which was fine with me. My husband left the room and let us be alone. It seems I got loud and very verbal. After our friend left, we were talking and my husband asked if our friend was better than him. I said no and assured him that our sex is the best and that it was just me being frisky. My husband has not shown any jealousy before. I jus don't know how to handle the question. Am I to hold back? I even asked him that and he said he is happy it was a great time.

Hi everyone, Thanks for the fun posts and advice. Hope you enjoy our story and offer us good suggestions going forward. My wife recently returned from opening up out marriage for the first time. It was with a man she met on a recent trip overseas. They spent an entire week together and used most of the 30 condoms we bought for the trip. Only once did the condom break but since we use script birth control, we are not concerned as he gave her proof of being std free. This was also my very White wife's first time having sex with a Black man. Let's just say she is sad she waited so long to have a Black lover. Her orgasms were beyond intense seeing his BBC slip inside of her. He was also much more dominant and assertive during sex with my wife and was able to take her from behind and bring her to climax which is very hard to do. Since she returned, we haven't had time to connect sexually due to jet lag, kids, and work. She said it was a really great liberating experience overall. My wife still keeps in touch with him even though they both agreed it was mainly about sex, not a relationship. There seems to be plenty of NRE. Here's where I need your help and assistance. Last night while surfing the net, I received an invite to join a FB page for White women and Black men. I had another window open with a joint shared email. I did click on it and couldn't see if my wife was a member or not since it was a closed group. Facebook doesn't show ads by mistake or randomly. Should I assume my wife is now checking out these FB groups and possibly a member of them? What is the reality from the group here when a married White wife not only has her first swinging experience but with a Black man for the first time, too,? Should I be concerned about anything or is this natural and normal for my wife to want another interracial experience after her first time with a Black man being so amazing and incredible? We agreed not to share social media messages or emails between my wife and her lover unless she wants to. We also talked about swinging once she returned so I can't say what she's doing is behind my back or not mutually agreed upon. Should we revisit our rules and communication expectations? Thanks for the advice and please reply on or offline.

Just recently my wife expressed that she thinks it would be hot to see another woman give me a blow job. Then last night she said she thinks it would be cool to watch me go down on another woman. A little background on our short swinging adventures, we got into this to fulfill her fantasy of her being with another woman and thats what we did. She had 2 experiences so far and she loved every minute of it. I never had the urge to be with anothef woman and I still don't today to tell you the truth and she doesnt have the desire to be with another man either. To say I was shocked when she said she wanted to see me get oral from another woman and return the favor to that woman was an understatement lol. Don't get me wrong this sounds fun and all but I'm not sure if I cohld follow through with it. Her and i have been together for 20 years and have never been with anyone else ever, except for those 2 girls she had fun with. Sometimes I feel like she wants me to do this because she wants to repay me for letting her play with other woman and sometimes I think she may just really have this fantasy of seeing me do this with another woman. What are your thoughts and exleriences on this? Would you go through with it?

Male response here: Depends WAS it better? If yes how and why? If it was just better this time I would say your "frisky" response was adequate. THIS time it really worked for you. Next time maybe not. This has nothing to do with your husbands ability and would not be a problem with me. IF this is a big issue for you in that you truly prefer this guy. or IF this guy is just generally superior in some way your husband can not or will not match, then there is need for an honest , all cards face up discussion. I could probably deal with a bigger equipment issue more easily than "I like him better" If you are happy with your husband and could walk away from the other guy for keeps then an honest and functional answer would be " He rocked my world this time. You guys really got me worked up."

The only way to find out is to ask! Just make sure you preface whatever conversation you need to have with how much you enjoy their company.

Easiest way to find out what is and isn't expected is to ask them. It sounds like you two are looking for FWB...you need to find out what the other couple is looking for. Three weeks in a row isn't too much when you are starting out, but I think everyone will be taking the next weekend or two off. We personally try to limit our interactions to about once a month, but that's just us. What works for the four of you is what works for the four of you. The trick is to keep something fun from becoming an obsession but at the same time keep everyone satisfied and not thinking what happened, where are they.

The correct frequency is the one that works for you. We have swinging-related excursions 1-2 times per month (club, meet another couple, etc). Swinging only works when you nurture your own romantic relationship. So, if you need more "us time" to strengthen your own coupling, take it. We had a lady from a more experienced couple share a useful anecdote with us. There was a point where her husband lost interest in swinging. She said, over a period of weeks and conversation, she realized it was because they were swinging all the time and weren't having their own date nights and regular playtime as a couple. She said refocusing on that reignited his interest in swinging again. I would say, swing as often as feels right for you, but be mindful of your own relationship in the process. Trial and error will teach you what is best FOR THE TWO OF YOU.

Swinging has been a topic of discussion with us for a very long time. There was a few sticking points and one was him going with others. It took me a long while and plenty of conversations before I realised that either it was going to be both of us or neither of us. I wasn't prepared to do anything without him doing the same, he was fine with that, but I wasn't. After a lot of fantasy play in the bedroom we finally took the plunge and although it still worried me, I was both surprised and shocked to find that I did in fact really enjoy watching my husband with someone else. Fundamentally only do what your both happy doing, sometimes it takes time and sometimes it just doesn't happen?

Yes, things tend to evolve over time, but yes your right we're both happy deciding this way.

Newcouple, you said, "I guess things might change over time, but we're both happy deciding that way" Then you're good! Have fun.

Going out is an entire different deal than going in so my wife says. Yeah an 8 pound baby can come out but I'd bet the house that you couldn't get it back in.

Thanks to all for your feedback — it’s what I expected to hear. We’ve reviewed your comments together and it led to a good conversation. I think this will be a non-issue for us as we gain more experience swinging.

What I quoted is the most important. YES, revisit your rules and communication expectations. You're obviously insecure, inadequate, anxious, jealous, and/or confused about what she wants, what she's into, and what her expectations are. You need to sit down and talk to her immediately about what's going on, how you both feel about all of this, and how you'll proceed. Don't put it off, don't hold, back, don't lie (tell her what you've discovered), and don't be an asshole. Talk to her from a place of concern about your emotions, her emotions, your mutual needs, your separate needs, and basically, keep your cool. The second you raise your voice or start accusing her in any manner that she deems aggressive, she's going to shut down and turn into a bullshit artist just to get you off her back.

Babe prefers single men talk to me first. Its not about permission. Its about her wanting my read on them before talking to them herself. And, honestly, I prefer not to deal with single women at all. If Babe introduces me to one I'll chat her up, but I really don't like it when they walk up to me and initiate. The reason is simple: they almost invariably pretend Babe isn't there. Couples almost never do that. If you want to play with a coupled person, take the time to make their other half feel respected and comfortable. Because, if they don't your odds of success drop dramatically. Babe and I always make a point of paying attention to the same sex half of couples we meet because you are, weirdly enough, seducing both of them. One for sex and the other to be comfortsble with that sex.

Derived from last weekend's experience at a swingers' club: Guys. Do not, please: * Moan and groan about how difficult things are for a guy in "The Lifestyle". * Ask a man if his female friend might be interested in play. A woman can decide for herself and does not need a man's permission.

"It has been a pleasure meeting you." [shake Hand, Move On...]. On the other hand, I had a lady from a couple we were chatting with at a club this past weekend say "we're moving on" in a way that implied "interview over." The husband had clearly been interested in Babe and she had said they only play as a couple, so I assumed she wasn't interested in me. She said it with a smile and I took it in stride with a shrug. We received a note from her two-days later saying they were both hoping to see us at the club again very soon. I realized I may have read that one wrong. We had another couple we assumed found us "meh" (the wife seemed cautious and the husband patted my arm and excused himself). They also reached out the next day to ask when we'd be at the club again. I realized later that both were much more experienced couples than we are and their tactic may be "speed-dating interviews" to identify good candidates for later encounters.

"Since she returned" is how long? I think you're jealous and/or anxious - otherwise you'd ask her, not us, about the FB group. You can still ask her though. Seems like you're not comfortable doing so, but it'll do you good whatever the outcome. If she did join the said FB page - is that off limits from your point of view? You don't say. Maybe you don't know. Talk to her.

I mean, it's a team activity. You're both there and it's a shared experience. I understand why talking about sex might be uncomfortable, especially if you weren't used to talking about your past, etc., with him before. Mrs. E was kind of the same way when we met. I definitely understand why it's something he wants to talk about with you, though.

Lets face it, absolutely no one likes using condoms.....it chances the feeling, the sensation during and the penetration is totally ruined, but theres absolutely no way I'm going with anyone else without them using one!

Oral, in either direction. I think I was 16 or 17 the first time I got head with an audience and have no hesitation about it at all and enjoy it. Mrs. E has always liked topless sunbathing but has started getting more comfortable and excited about showing off her body in general. She used to want to put her arms over her breasts in almost any situation but lately she's gotten to where she's fine stretching out and relaxing when we're around other playmates.

I really enjoy your threads because I see a lot of the same issues we were circling around about. Our first time was with two other couples at one of their homes. We ended up doing two rounds with a shower-and-snack break in the middle. We saw the one couple again, they're close friends, but the second time we were going to see both couples again, a year later? Mrs. E was extremely nervous, so nervous she made me nervous. Part of it was that the other wife is interested in girl-on-girl play, and while Mrs. E likes it, she still feels like it's pretty taboo for her. Part of it was that we were spending a few days with them. All for nothing. We had a great weekend. Seems like a very normal reaction to be anxious about it since now you've tried it and built up the next session in your mind.

I think I read somewhere that the pineapple has a place among "black rings on the right hand" and anklets as far a jewelry goes. or silly stuff like upside down in a shopping cart as far as a signifier of "I am a swinger" What I am waiting for is a cell phone app for the same purpose. It could use bluetooth to pick up other phones with the same app. With a limited range say 10-15 feet it could make Big Box stores and grocery shopping fun. BEEP BEEP BEEP

Yuuuuup. Years ago, I was carrying on with some guy's girlfriend. The poor guy was a mess and now, a little older and wiser, I'm sure he had a drug problem. Regardless, I remember she made some remark when we were first "talking" about how she had a friend who got into trouble with STDs once and now she always thinks "SAFE" whenever she fools around. Great, right? Except the second time we go to bed, I'm about an inch from penetrating, rubbing my head on her clit, and she's not even hesitating. I finally call it, "condom", and she's just like "...oh, yeah, right..." Sure, lady, you always think "SAFE", you're just forgetful in the heat of the moment, and I'm sure I'm the only guy you're cheating on your boyfriend with, too. The threshold for trusting anybody's word on this would be extraordinarily high.

First, the fact that you are concerned about their feelings speaks volumes about your approach to the LS. Next, we always indicate that first meetings (whether from across the street, across town, or across the country) are just that--an opportunity for the two couples to get to know one another. No expectations or obligations, regardless of the distance traveled. Finally, it is possible to be gracious and unambiguous. After a first meeting, there are only three possible outcomes: -you never want to see a couple again; -you would enjoy them as friends; -you are interested in taking things further. There are three gracious, unambiguous scripted answers: -"Thanks for joining us for dinner, and we wish you the best on your journey." -"Thanks for joining us for dinner. We truly enjoyed the company and conversation, and we'd like to maintain a vanilla relationship." -"Thanks for joining us for dinner. We would like to get together with you again, eventually in a more private setting." All three start with an appreciation for their time and effort. The first makes sure the door is closed. The second sets specific limits. The third is an invitation to the dance. All three work.

Yikes!

Id like to comment on this post. I am one of the guys that struggles with this. I can get hard for my own wife without a problem, but, struggle with anyone different. It's incredibly heartbreaking to a guy and me. Especially since couples are hard to come by. The opportunity don't exist often. I thought alcohol might be the concern, but, we gave up drinking and the concern still exists. The problem is psychological. Clubs are challenging environments. Your put on the spot to perform. A new partner is a total mystery. You don't know her expectations. If she will enjoy you. Guys need to have confidence for their penis to work. If you can't relax, you won't get hard. It's hard to relax with new partners. I've even had my penis not get hard on cialis and Viagra. The scenario is a recipe for failure until a guy acquires the confidence. Some never do. I am afraid I won't either. I am getting to the point where I may no longer look for a female to play with. I'll just enjoy guys doing my wife. I never fail to get hard for this scenario. I hate this as I feel I am being left out. But the frustration of disappointing the lady is adding up. So, ladies please be understanding. You may be disappointed. But I bet not as much as the guy is. It is something he has to deal with long after your done playing.

I would say that 50% to 60% is accurate for us as well. Not something I thought would be a problem. The only time I ever had erection problems was when in a group so I'm pretty understanding. I started asking guys if this is a problem before we ever play, no one ever admitted to it being an issue. One never knows until that situation is at hand.

I am a big supporter of Viagra and Cialis. One at a time, of course. I am also a proponent of kindness and sympathy to the guy with erection problems. It is a disappointing experience and a little kindness and patience often pays off in a revived member.

You could probably guess that this happens with people in my age category even when whiskey is not involved. My wife's view of this is, OK, the dick will not get stiff but his tongue still works. And for those rare occasions when the tongue is not willing or is untalented, she says this ain't never gonna be given another chance.

Ahh, you're a cuck doormat. Gotcha. Just keep doing what you're doing then.