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First off, welcome to the Swingers Board! You ask a great question, and it's a very understandable question since I think nearly everyone has felt exactly the same way you do now. I agree with your husband that going to a club just to watch is a great way to start. Keep in mind though that not all clubs are created equal, so you will want to do some reseach to find one that is well run and what kind of crowd it attracts. Even different nights of the week at the same club can have a different vibe. Saturday nights are often "couples night" and that's what I would suggest. Go to a club where the focus is on couples, and single males are either prohibited or only allowed in to a certain number and/or restricted where in the club they can go. Don't be shy to contact the club ahead of time to explain to them it will be your first visit, ask what to expect, etc. You will find out a lot by how they respond to those questions. The key to your first club visit (and the key to your 100th club visit) is to go with no expectations, none. Just plan on having a fun night out together and don't worry about anything other than that. Going with friends that are also interested in swinging...without knowing more about that friendship, I'll punt on that one, may or may not be a good idea. On the plus side, having some others there you know will likely make you feel more comfortable. On the con side, the club scene can be a very charged environment, and I'm a firm believer in you make friends out of playmates, not playmates out of friends. So, going together to such a venue may cause some strange sort of dynamic that no one is equipped to handle right now. As to the why, I can't speak for him but I can speak for me since I was the one that first brought it up when we started. I thought it would something funa and sexy to check out TOGETHER. Not that she didn't satisfy me, not that I wasn't happy, and so on, but that it might be something we would have fun with together. It was, and we have. We're not frequent swingers, but when we do, we always have a great time, together. It's turned into a compersion thing. I like seeing her happy, she likes seeing me happy, and if we can achieve both of those along with the us as a couple being happy too, then all is good

My gut reaction to your post is that swinging is not for you, not right now anyway. You don't sound like you are ready. You may never be (which is ok, most people aren't cut out for this) or you may just need to get your head around it. But right now, I think you need to hit the breaks, tell your husband you're not ready and you need to work through these concerns. As for specific questions - ...why would he want to add people to our sex life? Does it mean I'm not satisfying him? Truthfully, the only person who can answer those is him. I can tell you why I wanted to add other people to my wife's and my sex lives - I like to watch. I like to see her with another man (or men) because it turns me on. I also enjoy having sex with other women. It isn't because my sex life with my wife is unsatisfying, far from it. It's just because it's fun. We enjoy it. Nothing more or less than that really. My $.02, for whatever it's worth.

It has been a year for us and we are having fun. We have discussed rules and we don't have many. We discussed protection (we do sometimes play without), sex acts (almost anything unless we say no), kissing (no problem, I enjoy kissing), and who we will play with and when. I can play with any female alone or with him. He is allowed to play alone with 3 of my friends but he has to tell me before. I can play with one of his friends alone, his best friend. I originally was very much against playing with the friend and now we are both comfortable and enjoy when he joins us. He is the only guy we have threesomes with. We discuss everything after playing. We made it a rule not to hide anything. I slipped last year and I felt very guilty. We know this will only work if we are both happy and having fun. Recently we were together with his/our friend. They are both straight which make me the attention of both of them. My husband doesn't mind just watching. Most of the time it's one being busy and one in my hand or my mouth. My husband has told me he can sense an oncoming orgasm I'm about to have if I am sucking him. He likes to cum at the same time. The last time I came, he came and our friend was still going strong, which was fine with me. My husband left the room and let us be alone. It seems I got loud and very verbal. After our friend left, we were talking and my husband asked if our friend was better than him. I said no and assured him that our sex is the best and that it was just me being frisky. My husband has not shown any jealousy before. I jus don't know how to handle the question. Am I to hold back? I even asked him that and he said he is happy it was a great time.

My birthday is coming up on NYE and more than likely we won't be celebrating it with any lifestyle events. So that got me thinking...Do any of you make it a point to play or seek a play situation on either's birthday to celebrate?

As a single female I never attend parties alone based on my experiences with both single and married men at parties, and I will only attend with a well trusted partner.

Expat, my wife and I constantly debated going to house parties where single men were allowed. Yes, we knew what our 'motives' were. Unfortunately, it's a fact of life that when you have 'too many' single men together, things have a habit of getting out of hand. When we went to house parties, we mainly went for foursome sex. Occasionally, we might get into a small orgy; in those cases, there tended to be (for us) an even number of men and women, with not more than one single man. However we noticed when there was an abundance of single men at a house party and even at a club, they tended to egg each other on, the respect that they normally had was reduced. That was the reason we tended not to go to house parties where there were more than a couple of single men. Now, before you stomp on me too, we often enjoyed single men in threesome situations. I talked to them often about how they were expected to behave, and they understood the prejudice that accompanies the single male. I personally have no problems with single men. I can say that I never saw single women acting disrespectfully. Of course, I don't think I ever saw more than one or two single women at a party, so . . .

I will answer your questions first: As mentioned, only your husband can answer this for sure. I will share a bit of my experience however, which may give you some perspective. I suspect my story is fairly common. First off I will mention that our genetic encoding is pretty powerful. This is something I have thought of often, as I have tried to sort out my "drive", all my adult life (and more). "Men hunt vs. Women nest". Men are programmed to spread their seed everywhere at all times. Women are programmed to be selective. It is a natural process, intended to ensure the procreation of a strong and healthy species. We are after all, in the end, just animals.... Obviously that is oversimplifying it a bit (otherwise by now we'd all look like Greek Gods & Goddesses), but you get the idea. My personal journey with relationships has been a bit of a struggle. The pattern has basically been: Hook-up with someone I really like. (Including one marriage [7 years] / divorce.) Spend 1 to 3 years (or more) together. I get restless, and basically sabotage the relationship. Again, this is oversimplifying it a bit... but in the interest of "bandwidth".... Now I'm pushing 60 and thinking what most people probably do: "Wish I knew 40+ years ago what I know now." And that is mostly about who I am and what I want. What I've learned about how to get there (that crystal state of "knowledge of self") is to be completely relaxed and honest with yourself, and others. Oh Yes! Much easier said than done! And it is indeed a never-ending journey. But if you are wise, and maybe a bit lucky, you can/will get there (or closer to there) sooner, rather than later. As for me personally, the short version is that I am now convinced that I am Polyamorous. I've only come to this conclusion within the past 5 years, because before that I'd never heard the term.... It sure does explain quite a lot for me however, and makes the puzzle bits from my (relationship) life fit together more neatly. The other possibility (extreme?) is that I'm just a regular guy, and want to fuck anything that looks good (i.e. my animal nature takes control). For me personally, I suspect I'm somewhere in between the pure version of both (Poly vs. Animal)... and I bet this holds true for a lot of folks here. A friendly observation... I am inclined to agree that you may not be ready for the Swing Lifestyle, not just now anyway. There is no hurry. As long as you are interested, take your time, enjoy the ride, learn... and most importantly talk things over with your partner.... Hopefully you can both do this without approaching it from a place of fear. ... (Fear of relationship damage, making yourself vulnerable, etc.) I agree also that not everyone is cut-out to be a Swinger. This BBS is a generous wealth of information and experience. You are in the right place if you are curious. One of the most profound things I've learned from this site is the depth of dedication and mutual respect that successful couples in the Lifestyle have for each other. (And I'm quite sure that most "vanilla" folks find this very contradictory.) No doubt you have come across the following here, but just for clarity I will mention a few of the more popular LS "rules": This is a "Team" endeavor... and one should "Never take one for the team". "No means no." I think a gentler and kinder way to sum these up is to say: "Never move 'faster' then the 'speed' of the 'slowest' person present." The fact that you have come here and asked your questions says a lot (in a good way). Keep the lines of communication open... and: Keep up the Good Fun. ;-)

Variation of speed and intensity. Changing positions. I am not a receptacle for your pounding. As a man don’t you enjoy the changing paces of sex?

First of all, I suggest that you don't do it just to please your husband. Try, if you can, to realize that it's not about you not pleasing him, it's about experiencing something very different. Oh, and, you probably don't understand why your husband would enjoy seeing you with another man, right? Well, us husbands don't really understand it either but a lot of us do enjoy it, very much. One thing you may not have considered yet is how you feel about the husband of the couple who are your friends that are also considering this. Do you find him appealing? Do you think he's sexy? Take a few minutes and let your mind center on him and block out your husband and the other wife. If you were single and had dated this other husband a few times, would you enjoy going to bed with him? And keep in mind that a lot of us have given this a try and later, for whatever reason, decided not to continue. And, most of us have had good marriages afterward.

Well if you call that ''all going well'' you seem to have found your calling. Good for you. If any of my gfs in the LS had told me that my new position in her life was only 'more fun out of the bedroom', I would have told her that I was happy for her and her new stud and that starting immediately she would have to look for a place to stay 'outside of what use to be our relationship'.....lol....

Once, on my wife's birthday I got a couple that we were regulars with to meet us at a Dave & Buster's for games, then they went home with us for more games. It wasn't a regular thing, but she really appreciated that particular birthday present.

My experiences suggest there is wide variance in how vigorously women want to be fucked. Many prefer a “slow hand.” Some, and my wife is one, like to start off at a slow and deliberate pace but as they become more aroused desire hard and fast thrusting. Assuming you are with a new partner who is not distracted by talking a little during sex, it’s probably a good idea to check in with her from time to time to see if she’d like a change (faster/slower, deeper/shallower or harder/gentler) in the pace.

:redflag: This is NOT a good idea. If you both feel you must keep doing this, it should be one night only and not extended time without you. I can't tell you how dangerous the path you are on is. Turn back now.

Wanting to take pictures at a swingers party to post on your website and show off the smiling faces is unbelievably tone-deaf.

You want pictures? We want privacy...what we want wins. Either no pictures or no attendance. Just knowing that there will be single guys there, we would think twice about going...

We were planning on going to an indoor nudist party that accepts swingers. Mostly couples, some singles. No photos or cameras allowed. Yet some single guy is making an issue because he wants photos of people entering and leaving to be posted on his website. Smiling faces he calls it. Probably the same guy who was jerking off by the jacuzzi last year until he was told to shut it down and leave after many complaints. What’s with these guys? No class or awareness.