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Ah, it seems you're running into social conditioning. You've been told through your life that anything but marital sex is bad, and you should be ashamed of it. And now, you're branching out, seeing what it's all about, and your mind is conflicted between what you are experiencing and what you've been told. My suggestion is to read a good book on the subject. May I suggest The Ethical Slut or Opening Up. Both are available on Amazon. This should at least give you something to think about. The best of luck . . .

I'm inclined to agree with the "social conditioning" statement made by "adamgunn". If you were brought up in a very conservative atmosphere, breaking those bonds of conditioning can be not all that easy. Perhaps the act of inserting your husband in his Swing Partner (before you walk away) is a way of giving permission. Of saying: "This is my gift to you... both." To me it sounds like a very compassionate act... an act of "compersion" for sure. Personally, I think that any couple who can successfully navigate the Swing Lifestyle are a gift to each other, and the (Swing) community too, for that matter. Your husband is supportive. Take pride in that. My only suggestion is to try and not over-analyze the situation. Recognize and acknowledge your feelings (both good and unsettling), and let time sort it out. (It seems no one is being harmed here.) Growth, education, and understanding can all take time. Enjoy the journey... for what it is. :-)

Denial is a powerful force. Honesty is always the best policy. (IMHO) I have had HSV-2 since about 1982. I have ALWAYS disclosed (since I confirmed I had it, about 3 years later). It was given to me by someone who was clueless they were a carrier. (We were both in our early 20's.) It literally was not till 10 years later (we are still in touch now) that I finally convinced them they were infected. (No telling how may people she infected in that time. I retroactively disclosed, BTW. The list was not long or complicated.) So that is a pretty good example of how it happens. I was easily convinced it was nothing to worry about on my 1st / initial outbreak (did not know what it was)... and did not have another outbreak till years later (due to a high stress situation). So I was clueless all that time too. These days that kind of information is a lot easier to get. Still... I know for a fact that there are folks out there, on Swing sites, and active in the LS, who do not disclose that they are carriers. ... The justification is usually: "I rarely / almost never / been so long since I / have had an outbreak, so it is not an issue." Does this sound like a violation of trust? You be the judge. ... Not a good way to start in my view. Because if you do get found out.... I have been treated like that, and I vowed never to do the same to someone else. It is simply NOT a nice thing to do. Has that put a damper on my play opportunities? You Bet! Undoubtedly I have been passed over for swing opportunities just for advertising that. But at least I can not feel guilty (about that anyway). ? I will say though that I have never (not once) been turned down by a 1-on-1 potential long-term partner, because of my HSV-2 disclosure policy. I explained everything to them, and they said "OK" anyway ('cause I am a nice guy? and fun to be with?) ? ... And: As far as I know, I have never passed it on to anyone. And I think I would have been informed. There is a swing site out there that caters to HSV folks: HSwing.com - A Sex and Swingers Community for Adults with Herpes Actually... I discovered this BBS (SB.com) about 7 years ago, when I was searching for HSV-2 friendly sites. Just kind of stumbled on it... no doubt due to this being an acceptable topic for discussion here. ?

We like to meet new couples. I think swinging is based on new experiences.

Thank you for your responses, they are very helpful. We should have said something about same room but didn't. So yes, our first swap was separate but the good thing is that it did not damage my husband's and my relationship. From now on we are only same room until we feel comfortable enough with a couple. Mistakes are made in life and you learn from them whenever you can.

We have a code expression if we aren't interested in playing for any reason. If either of us say it, then no questions asked and we prepare to leave. Doesn't mean that we won't ever see the other couple again, just that one of us isn't 'feeling it' that night. Also, if either of us aren't into the other couple then we move forward to the next couple (once again, no questions asked, no explanation needed). When a couple is starting out, they have a tendency to take whatever couple they meet...spend some time and find a good match. It takes more time and work, but the end result is much more pleasurable.

Not odd at all, and certainly nothing to be ashamed about, I LOVE it! So incredibly erotic to guide my husband’s cock into another woman’s pussy, love to spread her pussy lips, lick her to get her nice and wet for him, look right into his eyes as he’s sliding in and out of her, grrrrrrr so fucking hot!! It’s one of the reasons I slightly prefer threesomes to couples play, because I feel like I can really devote the amount of attention I’d like to watching him

Mrs Doc takes pleasure in seeing me please a partner. Last weekend, at a party, she was riding the husband of the lady I was going down on. After I rolled off, Wifey never missed a stroke but reached over and rubbed my chest and said, "Oh honey, you did good, she LOVED that". How I love my mate and partner!!

We are actively involved with both swinging and BDSM, and we've managed to keep them separate mostly. Sometimes light BDSM overlaps into swinging, like some spanking or restraint, but it was discussed beforehand. I have never come across a situation where it's a requirement for swinging. I have had situations where the partners asked about BDSM play, I said no, and they still wanted to play without it. My experience is that serious BDSM people are among the most respectful out there. Before every play I've ever had, all involved spent a decent amount of time discussing what's going to happen, what are the limits and boundaries, and how to stop a scene. There is no requirement in BDSM; only request. I think you are right to be concerned, especially if it's not your cup of tea.

I don't think think is about whether or not the lifestyle is for you two but more are you okay with this level of disrespect. Please reread what you have written. Everything is great except he won't take the time to acknowledge your feelings. The lifestyle isn't the problem but sometimes can highlight issues.

It sounds to me like you have some legitimate concerns. I agree that you guys should take a break from the lifestyle, at least until you can both sit down together, have a serious conversation and get your relationship back onto firmer footing. I would suggest that you need to calmly and clearly explain to him the concerns that you have and he needs to respect them. You also need to listen to his concerns (whatever those might be) and respect those. When you can talk through things completely, openly and honestly, you'll be in a better place.

In my area there is a fair amount of overlap between the BDSM and swinging communities... but on the whole I've never encountered anyone who insisted on BDSM play as a condition of swinging. The BDSM folks we've played with are usually just very clear on setting out their limits and boundaries before we play. The idea of exploring anything kinky didn't come up until we were discussing the possibility of playing again... and even then there was a very clear concern for what our limits and boundaries were.

My wife told me she enjoyed watching me fuck mrs playmate more than receiving. I cold see her getting off mentally while she held mrs playmates legs in the air telling me to go deeper. Me and my buddy were excited to swap wives already as it seems a lot of men in the lifestyle enjoy that aspect already. I was pleasantly surprised that she also gets off on watching and participating. She says she's a people pleaser as am I so it works out well. I think your reaction is awesome and I'm sure your husband appreciates it.

I have been thinking about your question since I first posted. Just saying that I have no problem didn't really answer you. I used to have a jealousy problem, this is before swinging. During the time of transition from Vanilla to swing I owned that my wife was not a THING (wife ) that I owned, but a PERSON (WIFE) who gives herself to me freely. So much of what most of us learned growing up was the possessiveness of relationships. MY boyfriend , MY girlfriend etc. We were taught that this was the good and human way to be. When we step outside of that training, I can see how one turns around to check if they are right in proceeding. Giving up the ownership idea freely was a good thing for our relationship. I did have to convince my wife that I was not crazy and was serious when I gave her a no strings attached green light. I was not certain that I would maintain on that path until the first time that I saw her with another man. I was very happy with myself that I could enjoy her joy. The end result is that the bad remnants of the ownership mentality are gone. Along with them went many of the subtle poisons of ownership that had been dysfunctions of which we had been unaware. ( Small example: Each of us expecting something because it was owed not joyfully receiving what was freely given. I think this is what most people refer to as "the rut") For us we have fallen back into courting behaviour, without the uncertainties of courting.

You are so right! I should be turned on! That's my man!!!

Well many of us men like watching our wives with another male getting pleasured so... not sooooo weird.

Male here, You say the husband is not interested - ok but surly you both want you safe? Do not go alone at all. while most people are cool you will always get the one/s that don't care how you are treated. Even if your partner is not going to join in still get him to go at lest until you know some trustworthy people there. Do you think your husband ever will want to join you in this? I get your husband does not want to join in but why not? I would not encourage any one to do this without finding out the why not and covering all that goes with that in a marriage. So you have talked about all the emotions that may come for both of you and what to do if so? Sorry i just worry for couples where one does not want to do it and the other just does it any way = i mean is it really that the partner supports the other in doing this or is the partner just saying ok for fear of loss? And no i am not saying this is your case - just be careful. good luck to both of you.

It's okay to have your fears as they are normal but you may never be able be able to swing. Your thinking is completely wrong for swinging... You should WANT each other to have the best possible sexual encounter that can possibly be had. Here is what is important to keep in mind: You will find men that are bigger, longer, more muscular, can make your wife make noises you may have possibly never heard and they will fuck in positions you never have. They may possibly fuck for hours and she may possibly experience multiple orgasms. ...BUT she loves you and only you. This is our opinion but swinging allows you to experience those lustful feelings you once shared but have now turned into a deep intimate connection that will never be shared outside of the love you two have. New sex is an adrenaline rush and if you compare it to your own sex life then you are comparing apples to oranges and you are doing you both an injustice. When you had the threesome with another woman...did it affect the way you feel for your wife? If you have a good relationship, good communication then you should assume that it won't affect the way your wife loves you. Just food for thought.