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I know this may sound odd but take a step back and learn something new together. Be it dancing, tennis, cooking, or pottery the learning together can be joyful and enhance communication and be surprisingly sexy.

Right on, MPhil! (Picture of raised fist clenched in protest power here.) But I will say that I've also known a fair number of couples who were locked into monogamy for many years, bored with their sex lives, and resurrected that part of their relationship by swinging. I don't think swinging makes a bad relationship good, but I've seen it make a good relationship a lot better.

Thank you, adamgunn, for putting this to words. I cringe when swingers have an attitude that we are more enlightened or somehow have superior relationships to our vanilla counterparts. Monogamous couples are not less enlightened or less loving to their spouses than we are, they merely value monogamy while we value non-monogamy, neither is right or wrong or superior to the other. I get frustrated with the party line swingers have better or closer relationships. Some of the most dysfunctional relationships I have seen have been swingers, even long time swingers. I know swingers that have very little sex with one another without a third (or more) party involved. Swingers cheat, lie, divorce, get lazy, take one another for granted, and every other thing couples get wrong. The only difference is we do it while fucking people other than our spouses. Like it or not, we are just as fucked up as the rest of the married population.

With one couple we really trusted, after a few months we decided to go bareback. After we had a session and they left, my wife and I often had reclaiming sex, as we did after couples and men where they used condoms. My wife was a freak about using tissue on herself after sex, but still when her insides were coated with our friend's sperm, it was always much silkier, lube wasn't necessary at all. Yeah, it was hot and wonderful. But still, don't let this fantasy get away from you; worry about STDs and pregnancy; play safe.

As you know, because you have read my posts, we have played with our good friends for a few years. Maybe we are fortunate, everything is going well for us. Don't know what the future holds in any part of any relationship or in life in general. The sex with our friends remains exciting. Our friendship has stayed intact.

Somehow, I have been doomed to receive a post from Cosmopolitan magazine daily. This is essentially "The Truman Show" starring the Kardashians, and it is so thoroughly disgusting that I am really, really disappointed in myself for not dispensing with it some way. However, I persist. One of the recurrent and important themes is "infidelity." The typical reader, and I think they are unabashedly aiming for young women, not me, is being brainwashed from a fairly early age about the importance of phony beauty and the tragedy of infidelity (as it is defined by Cosmo). They are not being lifted to greater heights where they might make mature decisions about clothing, appearance and sexuality. They are lured into a dream world of romance novels. Sorry for the rant. I'm just saying that your point, Adamgunn, is well taken--a lot of people have strong feelings and those are reinforced by sources like Cosmo.

Sun, you said, "Generally if a person has a strong problem with this sort of thing its because of some underlying issue, that they are not confident about sex / think sex is bad / think sex is wrong / think sex is dirty / have no confidence in their own sexual ability / fear you will leave them." I believe there's an even more apparent reason. Many people simply think sex outside marriage is immoral. Society tells us constantly that it's wrong, we soak that up. While you, I and the other people on this board may have 'been enlightened,' most people haven't taken that step. And who is to say who is 'wrong', them or us. If a person truly believes sex outside marriage is wrong, I won't try to change their viewpoint. They have a right to it, as I have to mine.

I know, I know, this topic has been beat to a pulp. Many experienced swingers, I among them, have consistently said, “Don’t do it. Way too much could go wrong, the friendship could be lost, you might get talked about and outed.” Well, is that true? Let’s suppose you’re with a couple you’ve known forever, and things turn sexy. Three things could happen. One - You take our advice, you don’t play. Probably, you’ll wake up in the morning and say, “damn, that would have been fun.” But the next time you see them you won’t feel too bad about it, everyone will go back to being their vanilla selves, you’ll have a question in your mind along the lines of ‘what if’, but everything will be okay. Two - You ignore our advice, you play, have a great time. The next day everybody says, “my god that was wonderful!” The next time you see them, you can’t wait for everyone to take their clothes off. And in social situations, no one says anything, no one feels the other spouse up, you all play it cool. After some period of time you guys drift apart sexually but the friendship and some great memories remain. Three - You ignore our advice, maybe even have a great time when you’re all going at it. But the next morning somebody says, “gee, I really wish we hadn’t done that.” The next time you see them, somebody cringes, the others think ‘what went wrong?’ In social situations, things are strained. Probably you guys will drift apart as friends. Alternatively, somehow it slips out that the four of you are involved. Your other friends think ‘WTF?’, start avoiding you, when the sex stops being great you drift apart with that couple and everyone else is treating you like you’re jerks. In the 'do you play or not' situation you’re facing at that particular moment in time, I can’t begin to make a prediction about which outcome is most likely. There’s way too many variables. If you make the choice to play, well I hope you considered what the outcome might be. And, by the way, if anyone is drunk at the moment the chances of Alternative Three happening go way up. One more thing. If the friend you and your SO are thinking about is a single male, I can almost guarantee a bad outcome. Single men who are young and/or drunks are complete assholes. I’m sure there are multiple studies that can prove that! Good luck

Yes, those are three variations in a broad spectrum of the scenarios that could play out. There are many others. Early in my own life such an incident provided my first experience of sex with more another couple while in the company of my wife. A few glasses of wine were involved, but no one was past being able to consent. My wife kinda kicked it off. The sex was soft — nude close dancing, deep kissing, heavy petting with orgasms, ejactulations — everything but oral or penis in vagina. None of the three post-play scenarios Adamgunn described occurred. My wife and I later spoke with the wife in the other couple about whether she would be interested in being involved with us on an ongoing basis, but she already had an outside relationship. And that was it, we went on with our friendship with the other couple just as we had before. The long-term result was that I had become aware that I enjoyed sexual play with others in the presence of my partner and her’s. And my then wife that she preferred sex with one other person at a time. Oh, and dozen years later, long after we’d both split from our first spouses, the other woman and I began dating. We’ve now been married almost 30 years. She’s bi but monogamous with me. With her knowledge I play with couples and groups. She doesn’t, but over the years has become comfortable with my sexuality. I agree with Adamgunn’s point that initiating sexual play with other couples can have untoward consequences. But then many of the most enjoyable and satisfying things in life carry with them some level of risk. There are sports and leisure activities that involve a small but non-negligible probability of injury or death, including mountaineering, horseback riding, parachuting, cycling, skiing, spelunking, sailplane soaring, motorcycle riding and auto racing. I spent 15 years involved in one such activity. And for sure I’ve seen people pay a price (and sometimes the ultimate price) for engaging in these activities. A disabling injury or death isn’t suffered just by the victim, but by his or her family and friends. And those effects can persist for decades, as life-defining events. I have been deeply saddened when this occurs to someone who clearly understood the nature and degree of risk he or she was assuming in engaging in the activity. But I’ve also seen cases where people get hurt or killed and I have reason to believe they didn’t grasp either the nature or level of risk. I am still saddened, but there’s also a part of me that wants to quote the title of Mario Puzo’s novel “Fools Die.” It’s really important to weight an accurate assessment of risk with the value given to the enjoyment of being engaged in the activity. The above applies in a general sense to swinging. Unless your play is restricted to close-mouth kissing and handjobs, there’s some level of risk for STIs. In reading posts and comments on this board (and ignoring ones that seem to me clearly to be fantasies) over the course of several years it’s clear to me that in terms of specific sexual acts, there’s a pretty wide range of risks that people are willing to take. Few engage in intercourse with strangers without condoms, but a number will engage in it with long-time and trusted partners. Most find the risk/reward tradeoff of unprotected oral sex to be worth assuming, probably given how unsatisfying most people find oral with condoms and/or dental dams. The same principles apply, in my opinion, to the selection of play partners. Or even the decision on the part of a couple to take what may be great fantasy to social and physical reality. On this board we don’t tend to hear so often from the people for whom an experiment turned into a disaster. For myself, I recall a couple I played with in a threesome more than three decades ago. There were some problems already in the marriage (yeah, big red light) and while all of us had a great time that night, it was a factor in the near dissolution of their marriage. (They survived as a couple and last weekend, 36 years later, I was in the town where they lived and we got together for coffee.) Adamgunn is wise to point out some of the specific risks associated with playing with vanilla friends or even of approaching them. For some couples it’s going to work out and for some it will not. And some will end with serious negative consequences. In my opinion it’s okay to do it, but you’d best do it with your eyes open and not with your “eyes wide shut.”

I don’t think anybody realizes that swingers get outed to the vanilla world and this is one way it happens. Two podcasts I have listened to were outed to the vanilla world. When swinging goes wrong it can have far reaching consequences.

Another perspective from a wife... Have you ever considered that it might intimidate her? I'm married to a man with a much bigger apetite than I when it comes to sex, fantacies or devience and it can be intimidating. It makes it much harder to share fantacies when you are playing with the big guns. Which is what you want to do here, get her to share her fantacies, safely. If you are the slower, with the lower appetite partner it can be risk sharing fantacies for fear they may be highjacked, changed, added to or even expected. just a thought maybe it's a consideration ;o)

If you are having sex bareback all the fears of std and pregnancy are already present. Even if he isn’t cumming he is leaving traces in your wife. When we first did this it was with friends. I didn’t know the etiquette. I figured I would pull out at the time. I was already stressed that first time. Nerves and how will I do. I thought we would use condoms and we didn’t. It was also my wife’s friend. There was foreplay and plenty of oral. We got to the point of me in her and her on top. We were both about to cum and I pulled out and she put me back in and started with the don’t stop and her cumming. Told her I was cumming and she held me tight. It was then I noticed my wife had done the same thing. I think you should respect what your wife wants.

This is why we prefer clubs. We have found it so much easier to meet playmates and have fun clubs than by reading profiles and having long drawn conversations with people. We use various websites to maintain contact after meeting. Anyone who starts arguing in front of us is immediately put on the no go list. We swing for fun, not for drama.

Without knowing more, I'd say you've done the right thing. That said -- and hear me out, in the spirit of 'believing in the power of rehabilitation' -- how long ago was the sexual assault, and how old was he? A co-worker has an 'underage/statutory rape' conviction from before the 'Romeo and Juliet'-laws, because he was an 18-year-old (legally an adult) dating his 17-year-old classmate who had exceedingly posessive parents. (Also, he's a gentleman of color, and she was white -- and I'm sure that plays into the situation). Even though this took place nearly 30 years ago, he's still considered a 'sex offender' and carries all the legal and social stigma that comes with it. You say he's significantly younger than you -- and that the assault was also a while ago. I'm not justifying crime or assault by any means, but I think a carved-out exception for the situation I describe could be a possibility. Of course, if that's not the case -- then, *whew!* you dodged a bullet.

It's important to the satisfaction of both the guys and women that we women receive cum, wherever it may be deposited. That's why we keep our play to our closed circle.

There is no reliable testing for HPV in men. And condoms are not 100% effective against it. No condom is 100% ineffective against HPV. The call is up to your wife.

True or no, I would NEVER leave my woman alone with another man. She is able to do this because she trusts me to be there in case anything goes wrong or she becomes uncomfortable for her. What if this woman was left alone and all of these guys were forcing themselves on her? Sure, according to the story that doesn't seem to be the case, but what if this really happened and the woman was fighting but had finally given up? This is rape, no matter what the circumstances are that set it up.