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So there we were, two days from our next event and I had not a single nerve or doubt about us. Usually I'd have unnerving anxiety, be fearful of him being with someone better or feeling inadequate.. but it had been well over six months since any playing, and tons had happened in our relationship. To my surprise and happiness, I felt nothing but excitement and longing to find a couple we could swap with at our next event. I WANTED to see him with another woman, I wanted him to have fun and I wanted it for myself as well. I wont go into the details of the evening, but we got just that. I wasnt worried prior to the event, I wasnt worried at the event or felt the need to establish myself as his wife in front of others or during our group (us and two other sexy couples) soft swap. Or even once back at the room. It was free flowing, relaxed, sexy and charged. I remember briefly looking over as my husband fucked the other wife from the back and either it was the sight of him that made me shiver in orgasm, or her husband smacking my ass as he fucked me from behind. The next day (despite not having had our "reclamation sex" yet due to small children) and even into yesterday and today, I cant stop thinking about how sexy my husband Is, how much I love him and I even linger longer on our hugs. It took me quite some time (about 3 years) to really grasp the idea. Not that whole "push through and hope for the best" but really grasp it. There are few things as amazingly sexy and reassuring in this world that you can have whatever little sexy fulfillment your heart desires WITH YOUR SPOUSE without repercussion, punishment or resentment, rather encouragement and praise. AND get to go home with them and bask in the afterglow. When sex is no longer the constraint and "cement" to a relationship, you both reach new heights of love, compassion, compersion, appreciation and respect for not only each other, but for yourself and you begin to realize that when you dont have to hide from that "one person" you can flourish in any situation. Perhaps I'm just now feeling the "honeymoon" effect of the LS but this last event really made it click. Not sure what the reason or rhyme, maybe it was time and experiencing that he still hasn't left me despite swapping. It took time and reassurance and talking even when he and I didnt want too , but here we are, on the other side of the "learning storm". Not entirely because you can always learn something new, but the "societal norm storm" has dissipated and I owe a large part to this board. To those battling the fight, it may not happen tomorrow, or next week or month or year, but the point in case is that patience, understanding and self reflection are key...oh, and obviously COMMUNICATION, LOVE AND TRUST. Cheers to the sexy, life changing adventure. Xoxo

It is likely a result of my Catholic schooling, sex was taught totally from the viewpoint of biology and reproduction. It was mentioned that it might be enjoyable, but that we should ignore that. So here was I (and likely every other girl; boys had separate classes) getting wet thinking about exploring a boy's body while there's a biology lesson going on. So when I have sex with a guy I always think about what's going on inside on a microscopic level, even when not trying to get pregnant. It's also why it's so much more of a turn on for a guy to ejaculate his sperm into my vagina than into either end of my digestive system. Those sperm can live inside my vagina and uterus for days, while I suspect they die a quick and undignified death in my stomach or large intestine.

Best wishes in your adventures. We find most people are seeking appealing partners. Those who may balk at a person’s race or ethnicity? Their loss! Have fun, you will meet some really great people.

Sounds like your insecurities to me. Understandable of course... we're all human... but I wouldn't encourage anyone to indulge in that kind of stuff. Not helpful. If it's just a wobble and you can get over it, without raising it with your partner, do. If after some time it's still haunting you then you have to talk, but I'd be questioning whether swinging is the right thing for you in that case.

HotEllie, Best of luck. My wife and I are total newbies as well. We attended a club party a few weeks ago for the first time. We were very nervous, and had the same concerns you shared in your post. We had a great time. We went in knowing that for our first dip into the lifestyle we weren’t going to swap with any couples, and just try and have fun. Meet people, dance, and take a dip in their huge hot tub. If there is one thing we learned from our first experience is be sure to communicate with your partner, and be clear what your rules are for yourselves and when chatting with other couples. We are going back to the club this Friday for their costume party. Not sure what we are going to wear yet. If you are going to TJs we might just see you there.

Instead of looking at this as something only you don't know anything about, try looking at it as you now have a guide to help you find your way along. It will be okay and anytime you are feeling lost, just ask your SO and I'm SURE he will help you better understand what is happening. Bottom line is that nothing will happen that you don't give permission to have happen. Good luck and enjoy the ride.

Please read and re-read what CandDinCo stated. Embedded are the values of honesty and of honor. It may seem odd to newbies to mention these values; they are constant among those who embrace the lifestyle. You will be asked for permission to be touched, kissed, and to play. Different from the vanilla world where rejection is something to be feared, in the LS it is something that is honored. This is not mere etiquette--it is the foundation of the LS. Joining the LS involves a conscious decision to be vulnerable--but not in the way most vanillas think. Ask a vanilla what s/he thinks the LS is about, the conception almost always begins with sex with near-random partners and the vulnerability has to do with being compelled to have sex when you don't really want to. Ask an experienced LS person what s/he thinks the LS is about, the conception almost always begins with a different framework for relating to others and the vulnerability has to do with being told "no" and having to accept that decision immediately and without explanation. That is the foundation of the LS: no one will think less of you for saying "No", no one will pressure you to say "Yes". The social grace of "No thank you" is always appreciated, but a simple "no" is sufficient. Now here is the surprise. Once you get used to the fact that "no" is never questioned, it feels a lot safer to say "yes". This is why experienced LS people always advise newbies to discuss their boundaries and to respect their own boundaries. We know that those boundaries will likely change with time. What matters is that you (plural, as a couple) check in with one another about those shifting boundaries. Now here is the second surprise. As those boundaries change, you will see each other through new eyes. How you respond when you see others are attracted to your partner is up to you. For those of us who remain in the LS, padoc is right on target: the attention of others will "amp up" your marital sex life in ways that keep you grinning for weeks to come.

Personal limits are important for you as a couple. We all have them. As long as you and your husband stick to your boundaries, experienced swingers will respect them. Swingers are not cheaters and we are not predators . Those are common misconceptions people not in the lifestyle have. We don't force ourselves on anyone.

The nerves are part of what makes it all exciting. Be clear with yourselves and others as to what your boundaries are and those boundaries will be respected. Lots of fun to be had even if it doesn't include direct contact with other people. This is what you make of it. Enjoy the ride with no regrets.