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I came across this article from Sheknows.com. I have always found that the best sex I’ve had was with me on top. I always attributed it to my own anatomy, an oversized clitoris. I have always felt most guys enjoy when I’m on top too. One of the additional benefits is if he cums before me I can keep him inside until I’m done as well. I have found in a group setting many men rather do it doggy. Don’t get me wrong, this can be just as satisfying though I rather me on top. At this point, it's no secret that for many people with vaginas, penetration alone is not enough to have an orgasm or even pleasurable sexual experience. While, fortunately, we're moving in the right direction in terms of acknowledging that all parties involve should enjoy themselves, what we consider "sex" (penis-in-vagina intercourse) is still very penis-centric. There's still the idea that if there happens to be clitoral stimulation, great! But that's a bonus more than an expected outcome. That's why it's so helpful to have access to data about the positions that work best for people with vaginas. An example of this is a recent survey conducted by Superdrug Online Doctor involving nearly 1,000 participants across genders living in both the United States and Europe ranging in age from 18 to 74 in which people who identified as women were asked which sex positions they enjoyed the most along with other questions about what turns them on. Turns out, the women surveyed said that cowgirl (woman on top) was their favorite position and was ranked in the top spot by 30 percent of participants. Next up were doggy-style (top pick for 21 percent), missionary (20 percent) and 69 (13 percent). As far as the position that helps women reach orgasm fastest, cowgirl came out on top again and was also ranked as the position that makes women feel the sexiest.

So there we were, two days from our next event and I had not a single nerve or doubt about us. Usually I'd have unnerving anxiety, be fearful of him being with someone better or feeling inadequate.. but it had been well over six months since any playing, and tons had happened in our relationship. To my surprise and happiness, I felt nothing but excitement and longing to find a couple we could swap with at our next event. I WANTED to see him with another woman, I wanted him to have fun and I wanted it for myself as well. I wont go into the details of the evening, but we got just that. I wasnt worried prior to the event, I wasnt worried at the event or felt the need to establish myself as his wife in front of others or during our group (us and two other sexy couples) soft swap. Or even once back at the room. It was free flowing, relaxed, sexy and charged. I remember briefly looking over as my husband fucked the other wife from the back and either it was the sight of him that made me shiver in orgasm, or her husband smacking my ass as he fucked me from behind. The next day (despite not having had our "reclamation sex" yet due to small children) and even into yesterday and today, I cant stop thinking about how sexy my husband Is, how much I love him and I even linger longer on our hugs. It took me quite some time (about 3 years) to really grasp the idea. Not that whole "push through and hope for the best" but really grasp it. There are few things as amazingly sexy and reassuring in this world that you can have whatever little sexy fulfillment your heart desires WITH YOUR SPOUSE without repercussion, punishment or resentment, rather encouragement and praise. AND get to go home with them and bask in the afterglow. When sex is no longer the constraint and "cement" to a relationship, you both reach new heights of love, compassion, compersion, appreciation and respect for not only each other, but for yourself and you begin to realize that when you dont have to hide from that "one person" you can flourish in any situation. Perhaps I'm just now feeling the "honeymoon" effect of the LS but this last event really made it click. Not sure what the reason or rhyme, maybe it was time and experiencing that he still hasn't left me despite swapping. It took time and reassurance and talking even when he and I didnt want too , but here we are, on the other side of the "learning storm". Not entirely because you can always learn something new, but the "societal norm storm" has dissipated and I owe a large part to this board. To those battling the fight, it may not happen tomorrow, or next week or month or year, but the point in case is that patience, understanding and self reflection are key...oh, and obviously COMMUNICATION, LOVE AND TRUST. Cheers to the sexy, life changing adventure. Xoxo

I've always loved my gals on top. It allows me to watch them as they enjoy themselves better.

Thank you! I hope we do!

It is likely a result of my Catholic schooling, sex was taught totally from the viewpoint of biology and reproduction. It was mentioned that it might be enjoyable, but that we should ignore that. So here was I (and likely every other girl; boys had separate classes) getting wet thinking about exploring a boy's body while there's a biology lesson going on. So when I have sex with a guy I always think about what's going on inside on a microscopic level, even when not trying to get pregnant. It's also why it's so much more of a turn on for a guy to ejaculate his sperm into my vagina than into either end of my digestive system. Those sperm can live inside my vagina and uterus for days, while I suspect they die a quick and undignified death in my stomach or large intestine.

We are always us. Sometimes I strike up a conversation while Mike watches from the other side of the bar or at a table. I don’t usually have a problem getting someone to talk to. At a business hotel I dress as someone who would be staying at the hotel. I don’t want to dress like a prostitute. That scares men or can get you arrested. The biggest problem isn’t getting someone to buy you a drink or get them willing to go to a room. The problem is telling them my husband wants to watch or join us. I can tell you this scares most men. Most men at business hotels are married. Some play all the time, some never. We have met younger single men. Most men we have met never had sex in front of anyone. You need to get one to agree and that one will get his friends to agree. Last night I was dressed in jeans and a Giants jersey. Mike and I sat at the bar together. We just struck up a normal conversation. I think the timing of the Devils Triangle in the news helped. The guys laughed about what the judge was saying. They said they never heard the saying before. The conversation led to whether either of them had ever had a 3some. Neither had. They broke the ice when they jokingly asked if I had. My answer surprised them I think. Mike had been quiet and then told them that I like to be the center of attention with guys. They asked him if he "allowed" me to do that. He said he allows me to do what I want. He asked in front of them if I wanted a 3some with them. I looked at them and asked if they were UP to it. It took another half hour to convince that we were real.

There are some remarkable truths in this post. Connections do matter. For some couples, that connection is purely at the level of fantasy--dress up in some costume and connect at a party while playing a role (e.g. "naughty schoolgirl"). For others--and we count ourselves in this group--the connections that matter are grounded in reality. We have to like the other couple. Perhaps more important, we have to trust the other couple. Without "like" and "trust", a connection cannot be made. "Why," you ask? Because the values of honesty, affection, trust, communication, and honor--values that underpin swinging--are the values that keep us close and our relationship strong. Random hookups run counter to those values. Attraction will occur based on physical appearance, presentation, confidence. Durable connections require much more. The search for those durable connections outside a marriage has the desired secondary effect of illuminating and strengthening bonds inside the marriage--at least it did for us.

I think we're beginning find out how subjective it all is. Hubby and I decided a while back we want to play - but with certain rules. And the worlds not going to end or our relationship be any less happy if it doesnt happen. We also don't want it to be just the physical act of sex/lust with strangers, but with someone or a couple we truly like and feel some sort of connection/compatibilty with on some level. Others, however, don't seem to care as long as they get their rocks off. For us, we know this means it could take longer to find the people/person, but we're ok with that. It's our lives, so whatever happens in that area will be on our terms. Even if we only get to keep on pretending and playing with toys, that great because we love each other.

First off (as already pointed out) confidence is very sexy...more than looks to some people. Work together on trying to become more confident and open. Second, don't waste a bunch of time with emails or texts online. If you find a couple that you think you may be interested in, set up a meeting with them for dinner or drinks. You will learn more in 5 minutes in person than you ever will learn about them online. This also quickly eliminates the flakes and fakes. We've met a bunch of couples where one of them were 'doing this for their SO to get it out of their system' or just didn't know what their SO was even planning. While couples like that are a waste of time, most won't ever agree to even meet (and the 'bad' couples do make funny stories to tell in the future). Don't just pick couples based on the pictures. Pictures can (and sometimes will) be old or misrepresentative of who they actually are. Plus, confidence is sexy. Personality is sexy. Humor is sexy. Lots of things other than looks are sexy. We have met some drop dead looking couples in the past who had personalities of a damp dish rag or just loved themselves more than life itself (everything is all about them). No thank you, next. Don't take lack of interest as a rejection either. If there isn't a spark, there just isn't a spark and pursuing things further isn't going to change that. They are doing you a favor if they are not interested. This can be tough since sometimes you will think a couple is perfect and you both feel a spark only to find out that they aren't interested. It's not personal, move on and think of the time they saved you. Finding a four way match is MUCH harder than finding your SO. You liked them and they liked you...simple. But finding another couple...you have to like both of them and they have to like both of you (4 squared instead of just 2). It's hard...but it is fantastic when you find that couple that matches up with you both. The effort is worth it when it happens. Sometimes it's good to take a break looking and come back after awhile. Putting too much effort into finding another couple can take away the effort you are putting into each other. Take your time, don't become too obsessed with looking, and just enjoy that you and your SO are even able to consider walking this path together. Very few people ever get to where this is an option. Take a deep breath and come back in a few weeks and see what you may find, or try visiting a club or house party as something different. There's not as many real frogs as you would think in the pond, but somewhere there is the perfect frogs for you. Sometimes you just have to wait until everyone is ready to hop. Good luck and let us know how things go for you.

I feel for you. We have trouble as well. We aren't Ken/Barbie to most people, we are both a bit socially awkward/nervous, and we have an age difference which turns some people off. I don't think we have ever met up with anyone off of one of the swinger sites. Nope, lie-- we just did and it was horrible. My husband manages that side of things, and he was lamenting the other day that he has been on a site for a year and only had one meet up come out of it. We had more luck with CL before it was shut down. By luck, I mean setting up meet-ups. We only actually ever played with 1.5 couples. Saw another couple twice at vanilla outings. Single guys were easier. The clubs-- it really depends on the club. The ones by us are cliquish and not very friendly, in my opinion. If you ever get the chance to go to Freedom Acres in CA...... excellent time to be had. Even if you don't play with anyone. I also relate to your comment about regular friends. My husband has a few that he does things with from work. I really don't have any. I know why many old friendships died off. New ones, it is hard, takes time, meeting people with similar interests, etc.

I really feel for you. Meeting people on swinging and dating sites is incredibly hard. My wife and I have been on a site for a few years, and would offer a couple of observations from our experience - at least half of the 'couples' on these sites have no real intention of meeting or being with other people. They are there to socialize or are fakes. So when things don't work out with them, its not them rejecting you... they simply don't exist in the capacity you are imagining them to exist in - energy and openness is much more important than attraction. We've been to Desire (a 5 star lifestyle resort in Mexico) a bunch of times and one of the things that really strikes me about the lifestyle is how open people are to different body shapes and appearances. There are (of course) many who place huge preference on looks, but there seems be far more who just want fun, friendly, sexy people. - examine how you 'present yourself' . My wife is a master at this. Whenever she enters a room (vanilla or otherwise) she radiates a positive, friendly energy. As a result, people are absolutely drawn to her. Its not her looks necessarily (although she's lucky to be attractive) its the energy she puts out when she's in a room of people. You say you lack confidence... we all do to some extent. But there is training and tips to allow you to still present yourself as confident, friendly, open .. even if you are not 100% feeling that way And I final point... I was intrigued by you saying that your vanilla friends feel like 'half friends'. Have you ever thought about why that is? Its trite to say (but soooo true) you need to be a good friend to have good friends. Do you show yourself to the 'there' for your friends when they need you. Do you go out of your way to do ice things for friends. Are you 100% open and honest with them. These are the things that deeper friendships are built on

Is the lack of confidence because you don't feel like you've had as many experiences as you thought you might? njbm and SAMnTINA are both right. It's not easy. We've left our club several times without engaging with others any more than conversation. When it doesn't happen you can still enjoy each other. If you lack confidence in general then that probably is dragging you down. If you're comparing yourself to others and feel like you don't measure up for whatever reason, just stop it. Sounds like you've got a good woman and a great relationship. She obviously sees something in you. Together the two of you have made it to the point of wanting to do this together. I'd say you have a lot to be proud of and a great deal to be confident in.

We deleted online profiles after a major disappointment and realizing we were spending way too much time sorting through all the fakes and flakes. We also weren't looking for friends and are pretty much homebodies otherwise. It's not that we don't enjoy meeting people and getting to know them we just don't need to be lifelong friends with people we want to swing with. We found that we can go to our club when the mood strikes, meet and socialize with like minded people and have a good time. We can also have variety and not be tied to specific people. We like the variety a club offers whether it's another couple or a single guy. The not knowing what you're going to get is kind of exciting. Sometimes we don't get anything but each other and possibly an audience and that's fine too. We have fun. Confidence is a major factor in this lifestyle. It's a turn on for us and lack of it is a turn off. If this is something you're lacking in it may be the reason you're not being as successful as you would like. If you happen to try a club make sure you aren't wallflowers, get up and mingle. Get yourselves some sexy new clothes that make you feel attractive or maybe find a club that has a theme night that would encourage you to go in costume or at least in character. Sometimes stepping outside yourself is a way to overcome a lack of confidence and it's not really lying about who you are if everyone knows it's playacting. With success will come more confidence. Good luck!

Sometimes you have to kiss a few frogs to find a prince or princess, not every one is compatable, just hang in there. Over the years we have met some fun people had some hot sex and ended up with some funny stories. Kind of like unwrapping a present you don't always get what you want, and sometimes you get things you did not want but find out they are still a lot of fun. Good luck and don't give up to easy. Remember it's better to be easy than give up easy!