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When I politely decline please don’t tell me I don’t know what I will be missing. That is a big turn off, I know myself well enough and any not now becomes not ever.

It is a truism that the ladies run the LS. “No” indeed means no, it is non-negotiable and it is irrevocable. “No” is also the default response. Avoiding “no” and getting to “yes” requires sensitivity and skill. Some tips... Speak to her, speak with her. She makes the decisions. The gentleman she is with might be her protector but he is not the decision-maker. Charm matters. Respect matters. It may be a costume party. It may be naked in the hot tub. It may be at dinner. The setting is irrelevant. She is a lady and expects to be treated as such. Consent matters. Ask. Do not assume. Accept the response gracefully. Think before you speak. Ribald humor might or might not be welcome. Locker room conversation is almost never welcome. The LS is about relationships. A gentleman does not kiss and tell. Discussing past partners is almost never appropriate. There is one exception: your spouse/significant other. Describe her as the queen that she is. Make it clear that there is no competition, nor will you compromise your respect for her. Loyalty and love do matter—they make the LS safe for all those other fun things. Create a private moment. Your potential playmate does not want her choices and preferences to be known except when she chooses to make them known. If you are getting to “yes”, be sensitive that she may want to “check in” with her spouse. She is going home with him, not you. If you get to “yes”, remember that it’s about her more than it is about you. Listen. Make the memory wonderful. Say thank you. You might be asked back.

You have to stop everything (at least for the time being). People seem to be always asking the difference between swinging and cheating...well, this is it. She cheated on you KNOWING that you didn't want her to go alone to see someone she didn't know and have him tie her up. You just were looking out for her safety (something important when you are swinging) and she didn't care. She wanted this more than to honor your commitment, your trust, your wishes, and the agreed upon rules. Until she can reestablish your trust, all activity needs to stop and (obviously) she can not see this guy again. You are 110% in the right here and she is completely wrong in what happened. If being dominated and tied up is her fantasy, it could have been arranged where this could be made reality, but not the way she did it. Swinging is something that is done with the two of you in agreement, even if she is going by herself. Finding a way to fulfill her fantasy where she was safe is not that hard to do. You didn't need to be there, you just needed to be included in the plans and comfortable with her safety. You both are going to need some time to repair the trust and communication breakdown before continuing. You will also need to make sure that she doesn't see this guy again. Don't take this too lightly: she wanted to submit to his dominance and HE may want her to do it again and she may very well do it. He's a Dom, his job is to be in control of her (I know this is a greatly simplified version of the D/s lifestyle, but I don't want to spend the time getting sidetracked here with explanations...being in a D/s situation myself I understand that the sub GIVES control to the Dom so the only control the Dom has is what is freely given by the sub but she has already given him that control). Since this is something that she is at least interested in, maybe you need to see if you want to step up and become her Dom...? Anyways, we wish the both of you the best and that you are able to repair the damage that has been done to your relationship. Please let us know how things are going.

Didn't the swinging lifestyle start with "Wife swapping" and "Key Parties"? Those both allude to separate room play.

Good morning and welcome to The Swingers Board. Hopefully you and your wife can spend some time here. There is a lot of information that can make swinging more fun, less dangerous and such. You guys set out some pretty simple rules for swinging. I'd expect the condom rule to be the one to get broken. If your wife wants to be with guys alone, and she has, statistically she will again. You just have to decide what course of action to take. Can you handle her going out with a guy alone? How did you feel when she told you about it? What are the consequences if she continues if any? I don't know your age, length of relationship or anything but the little you tell. My tiny perspective tells me you are being manipulated. I get the impression she has some deep sexual desires that need satisfied. She convinced you to swing in order to explore within the marriage. I don't think she has communicated all of the reasons she wants to be doing this, which needs resolved. She may have desires that she is hesitant to share with you, at least not yet. You can be brought into swinging in a fairly vanilla way and slowly be introduced to more variety as time goes on and the shock value lessens. Before you know it you are hosting a bukakke gang bang and thinking, this is normal. Probably not, just saying be careful. You have the right to be comfortable in this situation.

Hi everyone. Just joined this board but my wife and I have been swinging for about a year now and have met mostly with couples and single men. From the beginning this was my wife’s idea and she had to really work on me to get me to try it but once we did we started to have fun. We created ground rules where we would always have to be present in a swinging situation, condoms would always be used, and we wouldn’t do this solo or behind the others back. That worked for us for a while but this week I found out she had broke that rule. She had a fantasy of being dominated by a man and was a member of a fetish site that dealt with that. She met a guy on there and they started chatting. I’m fine with her chatting to whoever and exchanging pics etc but it got to the point where she was interested in meeting this guy solo. She didn’t want me there if she was going to be tied up and dominated and all that. Made sense to me. I told her I didn’t feel comfortable with her going to a stranger's house and being tied up, etc. It’s dangerous and dumb and if she really wanted to try this she would have to make me comfortable first by letting me meet the guy and watch the first time and see how I felt after that. I was very adamant about that and she had asked me on a few occasions and I always gave her the same answer. Well after a bottle of wine and two weeks after it happened she tells me she went to this guy's house after work and he told her to get on her knees and did all this stuff to her. Then tied her up in the bed and used vibrators and some anal hook? Then ended by having sex with her. Don’t really know how to handle this and looking for some advice. She says that she messed up and apologized but I feel she made a dumb and dangerous choice and was unfaithful as well. What are your thoughts? Thanks.

Actions over words. Analyzing the excuses to death is tempting but the important fact here is that the two of you had an understanding and she ignored it. I agree with JandKinBoise, she knew what she intended to do and you're being manipulated. "Confessing" and then acting like you're the bad guy when you get upset after she was "good enough to tell you the truth" is a common strategy in vanilla life, too. There's no excuse for either partner being pressured or tricked into playing in a way they aren't interested in. Sorry you're dealing with this.

Is it possible your wife doesn’t want to be with a woman? Some of us have a fantasy that is better off staying just that, a fantasy. Even on this board there is a heading for fantasies that is filled with doing things you just think about. I feel that the majority of the posts are made by men. My Wife wants a gangbang My wife wants a glory hole My wife wants a big black c.ck My wife wants to be fisted My wife want double penetration I think you get my idea. So many of the things we are doing is really what our husbands want. You posted watching porn with lesbian sex. Who picked the porn? You watched while your wife got down to her birthday suit with another woman. You watched but did you see? Was she eager or nervous? Was she having fun or was she putting on a show for you? The bottom line is she stopped. She wasn’t ready to fulfill what just be your fantasy. As a side note, I stopped too. I went further than your wife and just wasn’t comfortable. Don’t lead her back to the situation. If she truly wants to do this again let her make the arrangements. Let her bring up the subject.

We go either way (ROOMwise!!!). We, like most couples we know, started out entirely same room but as our comfort level evolved with our experiences, so did our options. At a house party its not unusual for both of us to initially find a playmate or group in separate rooms but we eventually gravitate back to one another. We also have and occasionally use a hall pass and we consider that any of those options in any combination can be defined as swinging. There is something highly erotic about being in the next room or down the hall having fun and then hearing a familiar and distinctive moan. I know from the sound that someone has just entered Mrs Doc or that she's just had an orgasm. How hot is that??

We prefer separate room, and yes it's still swinging. ?

I got a chance a few weeks ago at a convention in Vegas. Started talking to a fellow from SLS who liked cocks. We talked on KIK and hit it off pretty well. Met and had a cocktail and talked at the casino bar then went to my room. We quickly got naked, his member was enormous, especially with what I was used to. Mine is 7 long and 1 3/4 wide and his was a bit longer and wider. I think he sucked me first, then we rubbed our cocks together. We then got into a 69 where he got me off with his hands and mouth. I tried to swallow him all but I think I need a little more practice. He got himself off and I was there to catch his load with my mouth. Kind of quick but fun! He sent me a photo of a threeway swordfight the next week!

Don't get discouraged. Our first date was simply a meet and greet, dinner, drinks. We danced a little and my wife invited the other guy to step outside. I was impressed with her confidence. They stayed outside for a while and came back in. She told me she kissed him and he felt her up a little. She encouraged me to do the same which I did. As the evening wore on it became apparent that the couple was not representing themselves as they had in emails. We told them as newbies we were soft swap, same room only. They said that was fine but as the evening went on they started telling us how they preferred same room and the wife even wanted to be able to text me. We said our goodbyes around midnight and on the drive home my wife had a breakdown. Come to find out she was muscling through the evening but really had gotten turned off about an hour before. It took us a while, several months actually to work through that. We realized we aren't looking for friends just good one off experiences and prefer some mystery and anonymity so we've had better luck at clubs. I say all that to say this. Take a little time to work through it. These are the situations where swingers learn how important communication is. It's especially important for you to be able to acknowledge that there is nothing wrong with her shutting down for her own reasons, whatever they may, be and be completely supportive of that(it sounds like you were so you're already a step ahead of the curve). She needs some time to digest this first experience and figure out what she wants and for you both to figure out what you want together out of the lifestyle. Once you've done that you can move on to your next experience better for the knowledge and experience you have.