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There are two toxic emotions in swinging, and it's worth naming them and explaining them. The first is ENVY. Someone else will always have better teeth, a bigger cock, a tighter pussy, perkier breasts, nicer skin, ... Envy is an expression of the fear of inadequacy. The antidote is contentment. Embracing who you are, what you are, and what you bring to lifestyle is essential. The second is JEALOUSY. Jealousy is an expression of fear of loss or even abandonment, the idea that your partner might like someone else enough to cast you aside because their new partner is somehow "better". Swinging is about having fun, not "trading up". The antidote here is compersion--finding joy in seeing your partner pleasured by someone else. Being able to name and to discuss these common toxic feelings is an essential first step to having fun in the lifestyle. Here is the point. Just about everyone coming into the lifestyle confronts these emotions--either before, during, or just after the first encounter. It is normal for one or both in a couple to have these concerns. Reassuring each other that it is just adult play and not a contest goes a long way towards dealing with these feelings. Good luck and have fun!

Finally decided to make the jump and try having a "train". Posted a hot date on SLS and have had good responses so far, plus posted in a couple private groups for swingers on FB in our area. I'm going to be in a hotel room, hands bound, blindfolded and laying on the edge of the bed. People show up, put on a condom, have sex with me, then leave. Hoping this is even close to as hot as I imagine. So excited. Also, any males or couple's that the male half is allowed to play separately on here in the NE Ohio area feel free to message us.

Hi, everyone. I’m new here and need advice. My husband and I are 31 with three kids and want a change in our life. We were talking about swinging and decided to try it. We went on couple of drinks with nice looking couples and they said that they would like to swing with us. And here the problem starts. My husband started to feel down saying that he has nothing to offer the other women, that he is below average down there and that he is not good looking. That what if we meet with someone and he can’t get it up. I assured him that what he is saying is not true and that he is very good looking but he still feels down about it. I can see that it turns him on and that he want to try it but his thoughts are blocking him. How can I help him to be more confident and that he gain self-esteem? Thanks.

While we don't know if this will ever happen for us, it is one of Ms. Golds fantasies as well. Thanks for sharing it with us!

When we met, it was casual sex/friends-with-benefits at first. We'd been having coffee dates to chat about life and ended up in bed. She had been dating two men on-and-off who were boring her and in a hurry to find another wife, she wanted to try new things after marrying young and divorcing. I was more experienced and enjoying being single, seeing a few women at that time, and she was kind of scandalized by the idea that sex can be just for fun. She was already pretty stressed out that she'd had sex with two men in the same week, and our conversations were kind of an eye-opener for her in some ways. (I remember inviting her to stop by one night after a second date and she was mildly horrified, but she ended up getting a parking ticket at my apartment. She'd tried to fool around in his car in the restaurant parking lot and he couldn't get it up, she ended up driving straight over and spending the whole night.) Point is, it's not like we went into it with the delusions some vanilla couples have where they pretend nobody else ever happened, and I suspect that was kind of a precursor to being able to move into that without a lot of drama. We had maybe six vanilla years before the subject came up - my idea - then a couple of years of discussing before we went for it. There was definitely some anxiety on her part when the new cock came out, not so much because she'd been monogamous for a long time but more because she'd known him and the woman for a long time and it freaked her out a little. She calmed right down once she got started. I was more anxious beforehand, wondering if it was really going to happen.

So here is my update. Invited 24 guys due to hearing how many no shows there would be, boy was what we read right. 6 showed up and of those 6 two were unable to perform. With that said I really enjoyed being blindfolded and not knowing who was penetrating me. It felt every bit as naughty as I imagined.I received a lot of oral and some of the guys were talented, one even made me squirt, first person to do that besides CB. Topped the night off with CB giving me a proper banging, lol. I enjoyed the attention of 7 men total, 3 at once was my previous experience. So in summary, I want to do it again but with more men, hopefully we can set this up. We only utilized SLS, next time we will also use FetLife and people from the FB swinger groups we are in.

First off, hello and I have had my own reservations about first experiences in swinging. I could go out on a limb and say that many other couples/people have had concerns about there first time as well. I have found that when you are at the actual moment of swapping, that personal insecurities, ie size, body type, etc goes out the window. Especially when you are desired by another human being. I know a lot of people are going to disagree with me but, in my experience that is what happens. Please note that this is from a guys point of view. I recall one experience when a couple and us were all in the same room and it was awkward for all of us. That sense of being “watched” by your SO is sometimes overwhelming. From that point forward we would split off into separate rooms. If you all are ok with separate rooms, I would try that. In my opinion that is a much less stressful situation but it does warrant rock solid trust between you and your husband. Hope this helps.

There is a risk in oral sex, herpes and hpv in particular. But it is safer than genital sex without protection. After all, over 90% of our immune system is between our lips and stomach. There is a misconception that not swallowing is safer. Actually, once the dick and sperm are in your mouth, that's pretty much all that needs to happen. The stomach is safe. Blood born disease like HIV are usually only a problem if the mouth has open sores. Easy to tell if there is blood in your mouth. Stop the activity. I have had oral sex with a lot of men. A lot. Never protection, over 15 years not a single sti. My wife's best friend got a divorce, banged a half dozen guys, caught like 5 STIs. Much depends on the individual. If you are a sickly person, gets everything that comes around, be safe. The problem of STDs comes up in here about once a month. My general advise is if you are concerned enough that it affects your sex life, find a different hobby, go poly, remain within the walls of a committed relationship. Get tested and stay within a swinger group to minimize exposure. Use common sense. Listen to your gut.

The OP couple sounds like drama on a stick! You're way too focused on the alpha male crap and you have absolutely no idea that swinging is about sharing. Until you grow up a bit, mature a lot, you two probably ought to find a new hobby.

I am sure that your male partner will be there to supervise and direct traffic. Not a good idea for a woman to go alone with male gangbangers who she may not know personally.

Wow, is it quiet on this board this morning. To be expected, I guess, most of us are running around cooking the turkey and getting ready for all the vanilla folk. I hope you have a great day, and remember to thank God, Fate or the deity of your choice for everything you've got. But . . . this is also a special holiday for me. After three years of talking, considering, and screwing around, this weekend is also the anniversary of our entry into the LifeStyle. We were in our early 50's, sex between us was in that blah stage. If we did anything to heighten it, such as going to a bed and breakfast, it would work for a few days then lapse back to yeah-let's-get-it-on-nothing-better-to-do. We had nothing planned for the Thanksgiving weekend, and as we were getting ready to go over to the relatives for the meal, I said to her, "Hey, want to go to a sex club this weekend?" It was said mostly as a joke, but to my surprise she thought for a moment and said, "Yeah, why not." That night after we got home I got on the Internet (very slow at the time, dial-up modem) and found about a couple of swing clubs near us. She got very excited as we talked about it, had a million questions that weren't answered by any FAQ I could find. So early on Friday we called the club we'd selected, it was returned by the owner, he was kind enough to spend at least ten minutes on the phone with us, filling us in. (Thank you, Jim!) We headed for the mall in the Hot Friday shmush, got her a new bra and panty, and a new babydoll. That night we arrived at the club at 8:10, Jim had one of his volunteers take us for a tour of the place, make sure we knew the customs and more importantly the rules. We talked with other couples, watched a girl grind on the dance floor, danced with other people ourselves. Perhaps around 11:00 we got into the hot tub, I remember how excited I was as other men first got a good look at my wife's naked body. We found no one looking to play with us (we found out later it was because we were newbies,) and so we went into a room ourselves and started foreplay. We left the door open, a man came to it, I waved him inside. With our approval, he kissed my wife, felt her tit, exciting us both. I gave her the option to invite him to join us for sex, she declined, wanting our first experience to be a swap. I remember my orgasm was fantastic, all of hers were off the chart. As we drove home, we were so enthusiastic that we made love again that night and a few times the next day. And thus began our long and enjoyable journey into non-monogamy. Happy anniversary to me!

5 years for us. Before I met my wife, I was for a short time part of a poly triad. That helped set the stage for me mentally. I told my wife about this, and she was ...shocked is too strong of a word, but along the way to getting shocked. She said she'd never consider that, and was amazed I'd even tried. She was very black and white about it; it was never going to happen, even if I did suggest it (which, I hadn't...I was just talking about my past). Occasionally it would come up in conversation as our dating, and later married years went on, but it was never serious and was just reflecting on the past. Then, five years and a couple of kids into our marriage, she says something like to me one night; "You know, it would be awesome to have two guys massaging me at the same time" (she loves massages). That was the tip of the snow slide that turned into an avalanche, and resulted in us swinging about six months later. I would have bet a million bucks she would never have wanted that, or even begun to consider it. It's amazing. And no, I didn't talk her into it or anything the like...I would never. We came to it together. Now, she loves it.

This sounds like a bomb waiting to go off. I would not want to be in the line of fire if/when her understanding is tested (especially in the wrong way). Keeping secrets is not open and honest communication, and will likely NEVER end well. Somebody is likely to get hurt, and that should be enough to defeat the purpose.

Thank you for all the advice. I’ve connected with a very nice older couple that knows it’s new to us and asked if they would be willing to meet and talk with us about the LS and the do’s and dont’s. We’ll be meeting with them next week.

My wife and I both attend church regularly. We don't find this to be hypocritical. As others have noted above, the Bible has plenty of cases of non-monogamy, and even advocates it. For my part, I look at it this way; define what a 'crime' is, without using the rule of law. That question is almost always answered as being something that harms someone in some way, whether through physical harm, financial loss, what have you. In some way you are negatively affecting someone else against their wishes. That's a crime. A sin follows in the same path. Many of the ten commandments discuss crime. Now of course there's the "Thou shalt not commit adultery". But let's look at that; what does that mean? Adultery is cheating. It's taking something that isn't yours, going against the vows that you made before God, and hurting your spouse in the process. Swinging removes all of that; it takes away all of the negative of that. In swinging, you are having sex with someone whose spouse knows and approves. So, you're not taking something that's yours. If you and your wife agree to swing, you are modifying your vows. No vows broken, just changed. Lastly, since your spouse knows and approves, you are not cheating. Where, exactly, is the crime, the sin? Now, some would say that swinging harms the soul, and destroys the Christian spirit. If that's the case, then why does the Bible affirm non-monogamy in so many places? If it were soul destroying, it would be universally criticized in the Bible. Yet, it isn't. Swinging for my wife and I has made our already strong marriage even stronger. We are closer, even more communicative, more understanding, more giving, more appreciative of each other. In the process, we have also made many other people happier in their lives (at least, so far as we have ever seen). Nobody has been hurt. No souls have been destroyed. In the grand scheme of things, if swinging is some crime/sin, there sure is a lack of proof that it is. Any sin is a sin, but if it is a sin there's a zillion other things that truly are destroying of lives, souls, and hopes. Swinging just doesn't measure up to that in any respect.

We'd been married around three years. It was unplanned. Now my wife and the other husband did have the hots for each other for a couple of years. He and I met when we were going through the police academy together. We cops didn't have much money so we all took turns hosting parties on weekends. It was cheaper than going out clubbing. At every party my wife and he would dance to most slow dances. His wife and I would joke about throwing cold water on them at times. I left the PD and got into sales and started making good money. One night we had that couple, and another couple, over to watch 'Deep Throat' which I had purchased when it first came out. The other couple left not long after the movie was over. My wife said she was beat and went to bed first. The other husband stayed a bit longer but then said he was beat too. The other wife wanted to stay and drink and party some more so I agreed to give her a ride home later. We were talking about how our spouses wanted each other and the other wife told me that she had let her husband fuck another lady before. I said that, if he and my wife wanted to fuck, I'd be OK with it. We went to her house, woke up her husband, and told him. He went to my house and woke my wife and, well, they did the deed. They called and told us and we went back to my house and the four of us continued. That was our start and there were four other couples after them. It never caused our marriage any problems. My wife got into teaching and decided we should stop. Years later we did dabble a bit more though. I'd still be game if she was but she's just not that interested in sex anymore.

It’s funny that someone who has been on this board when I was just first learning about sex is thanking me for my insights. I still have plenty to learn about life.

You have to develop a selection process. If you put a profile on AFF you're likely to get trolls. Look at SDC or SLS and PAY for a membership. You can then block single males, those without pics, etc. You'll still have to wade through some people who either can't read or who simply don't fit your criterion. Those websites post parties and sponsor meet and greets where the attendees profiles are posted under the event. You can use that to help screen what you want to do and where you want to go.Don't know what club you attended, there are some upscale places and some that are best described as seedy. This is not an easy hobby, if it were, everybody would do it. You can't just suddenly decide "lets be swingers" and then be inundated with attractive and playful opportunities. You need to develop peramaters for those you wish to meet and work on your selection process together. There are a lot of fun couples out there, especially in the large metro areas but you'll find that you'll have to kiss some frogs in the process.

This weekend sort of brought me back to the weekend where it all began. Two years ago after a football game the weather was so bad I ended up sharing a room and a bed with my college roommate and her guy friend. So much has happened since that night. I got married, found a side of me I never knew existed and found a new lifestyle. I am so happy that I found this board and had a sounding platform for some of my deepest thoughts and experiences. Thank you all for helping me through some dark thoughts and directed me to a much brighter time. I look forward to sharing my experiences that might help others on their journey.

That's bad behaviour - whether it comes from a swinger or not is irrelevant, it is inappropriate and inconsiderate to keep making advances to someone who's not interested. What to do? Step 1 - a polite no, step 2 - a pointed joke, step 3 - tell him to fuck off, but if all else fails - just find new friends. Most swingers are actually quite used to hearing no and deal with it very well, I'm sorry that's not the case with your friends.

Last night we bumped into our friend who went to Desires. She asked my wife if we booked our trip. I wasn’t there for their conversation, I only know my wife told me they had a good talk. She told her our experience is very limited. She said she told her all about our meeting with the couple that we met. It ends up she is pretty new to this too. It started after her divorce. She started going out and met another woman who was also divorced. They took a trip together. Things just happened. Their trip to Desires was a first for them. My wife said she wasn’t looking for men and that we had a fantasy of a woman. I think their talk is getting us closer. Again I didn’t hear what they said only know what was told to me after.

Said as gently as possible, I think you're going about this the wrong way. You should find a partner whom you have a full, strong relationship with and THEN start into swinging, if both you are agreeable. Trying to find a single lady to start a relationship with and immediately begin to swing as part of that is likely going to fail, and fail hard.