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Real inches or internet inches?

Please see above short answer: Short answer: He loves swinging and having sex with whoever he wants more than he cares for you. Sorry, but from the info given, that is the one conclusion that can be drawn. Even you have come to the same conclusion: All the additional information only clouds the issue. Lets see, he is still having sex with other women, but he's only looking for women that he has zero attachment to??? Including married women??? Bottom line: It's the same question. Is he treating you with the respect and love you deserve or is he TELLING you that you need to do things and let him do things you don't agree with or enjoy? Is it possible to love and want someone who just isn't ever going to be able to give you what you need? Yes, but that doesn't mean he will ever give you what you need or deserve. Wishing that someone was different will never make them so any more than wishing for a million dollars. Does it hurt...does it suck...yes it does, but better to hurt now than waste years only to come to the same conclusion only then having to wish you had that time back. You deserve better, go out and find it.

If people just "give off signals" and expect those signals to be interpreted correctly, it's their problem when that doesn't happen. If you want to be understood, state what you want to convey clearly and unambigously. I've gotten so tired of having to guess what people really mean when telling me something, that I refuse to even attempt to guess. If I take someone literally then I have done my part. If that is not what someone wanted, that is not my problem.

Thank you, one and all. We were already leaning towards running in the other direction, but we're new enough at this -- our first swap was just two months ago -- that we thought we should seek the wisdom and experience of the community. It seems like our "gut" was right.

If he's unwilling to make decisions with you as a couple, you aren't a couple. Trying to talk you into doing something you are not comfortable with doesn't sound promising.

Your concerns are valid but perhaps premature. Don't plan anything too far in advance and initially, I'd shy away from anything more than perhaps a half a day social 4-some. Let it flow and revisit your concerns with your wife in a week or two. These things sometimes burn very brightly at first and then just fizzle out on their own.

I don't think there's a fence to sit on here. They're hot-and-cold and one describes the other as an abuser.

Run.....run....RUN! Run faster.......

"I’ll be frank- there is still a part of me that totally agrees with all of you. Doesn’t fucking matter what our living situation is! We either respect my boundaries and allow me to catch up on my own time (within reason and with effort), or we’re not actually a team- which doesn’t bode well for our future. " So you are obviously old enough and experienced enough to make up your own mind. You have allowed yourself to get into a very complicated situation. Thinking ahead a bit: When your children reach maturity will you and your husband divorce? If you do can you imagine yourself being happy permanently in whatever life that you will be likely to have with Tom? If so then take the risk and whatever the fallout it brings. If no then leave now and leave Tom to his life. If I were in a similar situation then I would extricate myself quickly. I would never put someone else in the situation that you are in.