Leaderboard

We are backing out of the LS to work on ourselves - my insecurities have proven to cause far too much fallout. I wish we'd discussed what happened WHEN we make a big mistake as newbies, not just rules. She has said she will not be drinking at these events if we ever return. The perspectives here have really helped me understand how gray these incidents have been, instead of the black and white way I've been thinking. Thank you for your help.

As already noted, you should not be playing right now. Also as noted, maybe house parties are not for you. There is a much bigger issue here. To be successful in swinging, you must have an abundance of love, trust, and communication...not just some, but an abundance. Working on building trust isn't good enough. You have said that you don't trust her several times and that she 'doesn't remember' what happened and has a problem 'being honest with herself'. Does she have a problem remembering or is it that she lacks trust in herself and/or you? Either way, this indicates that you two aren't ready (yet). The good news is that it is a problem that is repairable and most definitely needs to be repaired even if you never swing again. The answer is love, trust and communication. The more you do any of the three generally increases ALL THREE. Jealousy usually is a byproduct of not having enough of all three. Stop swinging and work on improving your communication and until you feel that you are at complete peace with how things are in your relationship. Then and only then readdress the idea of swinging. Good luck and let us know how things are going for you two.

Reading your post I don’t think you should be swinging. You are not describing an isolated incident, have your own insecurities, she can’t remember what happens. It’s more than the alcohol.

IMO, you guys really need to work on your communication 1st, then how much alcohol is consumed. If these aren't addressed now then you have absolutely no business swinging. Some people like and need rules. But at no time should anyone EVER drink so much (for them) that they can't remember what happened. This is a huge red flag. If anyone has to drink that much to enjoy swinging there is a problem.

Thank you so much for your thorough response. I know that my past is being projected onto this moment in ways that I don't want. I've done so much work to try to put this into perspective and I can't help but ask, how could my wife not know me well enough to hurt me this way? I can see that the rules may seem like overkill, but they have been discussed a lot. She knows that I am sensitive about who we have sex with and that may sound crazy, especially in this venue, but that's why we have such emphasis on communication. I've seen my wife get taken advantage of and I have remained sensitive about who she has sex with. I've hoped she would negotiate situations in ways that protect herself and us, and that we would grow to allow for much more exploration. Your point though, is well taken. There was alcohol involved and it's a gray area with the dice game for sure. I think the rules certainly need some adjusting and I appreciate your and @njbm's advice immensely. I think there's more self-work to be done in order to build the trust we want to have as a couple. "We will be." is a profound understanding of what this has to be and I appreciate you sharing that. Thank you so much.

Rules and boundaries are an absolute necessity in swinging, but, having said that, it's possible to have too much of a good thing. After reading your post twice, the general feeling I had is I'm not sure exactly what the rules are either. Take this one above. So basically, at a minimum you went along with, or even encouraged, her getting licked as part of the game, and that was perfectly ok. Twenty feet away and a minute later, still in full view (not like she was hiding this from you), now it's a huge problem. I don't mean to sound overly critical or harsh, but you are just going to have to get over that if you are going to swing. You see this as two totally separate events, I think most people would see it as just one event and wouldn't feel the need for any reaffirming between the initial and then the continuation in the kitchen. Sure, if they had started fucking, that's a problem since you are a soft couple. If she started sucking his cock, maybe a problem although I would say needing permission for that is probably a little extreme too since he just went down on her. In terms of involving you, what was she supposed to do? Ask you to come over and stand beside them or something? Again, how was what she did then any different than the first licking, did she ask you to come stand beside her then? I don't think you are being fair to her and I don't think your expectations are completely reasonable. @njbm makes an excellent point about house parties. There were two mistakes there. 1) it was a house party, 2) all of the other couples were full swap. I'm not at all saying you should change your rules to fit other people, but when yours are different than the group you choose to surround yourself with, then yes, you probably are going to feel left out. I'll close with a story, probably my only swinging moment I'm not proud of. We were at a hotel social we'd never been to before, didn't know hardly anyone there. A single female sat down at the large table we were at with some others. It wasn't long before she was making clear she was hot for both of us and wanted to go back to the room. Mrs cplnuswing is straight, so wasn't interested. After a little while longer, the single female wanted me to go to room, and I told her we always played together. Night wears on and uncharacteristic for me, I'm drunk. Like deep into a bottle of straight whiskey drunk. Single woman is getting more and more aggressive with me, and finally as I'm walking by, pulls me down on her lap and starts dirty talking "fuck me right here, now!" and so on. Little head quickly outranks the whiskey-addled big head. I didn't fuck her, which would have gotten us kicked out anyways since off-premise party, but I was well on my way to trying to. I had her dress around her waist sucking on her tits and my hand between her legs and she was thoroughly into it. Seems like she had my cock out too and it may have gotten some sucking. I can't even remember who or exactly how broke it up, I think it was another woman at the table that Mrs. cplnuswing had made friends with, and when one of them sort of turned around from their conversation and were shocked to see what was going on, it was her that came and I guess you could say retrieved me. There wasn't a scene or anything, but I knew I had fucked up. We were both smart enough to know that night wasn't the time to talk about it with me way drunk and her having had a few drinks too. But, driving home the next morning, we did. I made a few half-asssed attempts at excuses that sounded lame to even me and then just manned up and admitted I had fucked up and blew waaaaay past where I should have stopped with the single female. I finished up my part of the conversation by saying "So, are we good now?" and Mrs. cplnuswing looked at me a with sort of a half smile and replied "We will be", meaning that she was still aggravated by what happened and that wasn't going to go away two seconds after my apology, but it wasn't going to be any big deal either...and I've never heard a word about it since then, and that was years ago. So the moral of the story there is if you are going to swing, you have to be able to say "we will be". Things are going to happen, you can't game plan this out to such an extent you are never going to find yourself in a situation that hasn't been fully discussed ahead of time. And, sooner or later, someone will just flat mess up. Alcohol, lust, whatever - play this game long enough and it's likely to happen. If you can't do that, then swinging may not be a good idea. If it is causing problem, real problems, not heat of the moment or in passing problems, then that's a huge red flag that you need to pay attention to.

We have with a guy who found out he had been exposed to it. He was very apologetic, but since we were in our 50s, and had been playing with him for years, figured we had already been exposed and had fought it off. That was over ten years ago.

Our first time was wonderful. My wife and I had never discussed swinging and it just happened when a very close nudist couple had come over to our house. We were all nude and our male friend started massaging my wife while I was massaging his wife. His wife smiled and pointed to her husband and my wife were having intercourse. His wife and I immediately started ourselves. It made our friendship much closer.

It was probably kind of like the first time you got to touch a boob period back in high school: a new sensation, but perhaps a little awkward initially. Then as you get accustomed to it, you get less awkward, and better at your technique I wouldn't necessarily change our first successful time swinging, because we all had to start with a first sometime.

Same room sex, my GF & another couple in my early school years & then military. Kind of borderline as a 'swinger' experience. Both were unplanned kinda happened events. First full on swinger activity was a experienced GF taking me to a small 'party' of a dozen people, mostly couples & one triad. Was hooked on it for some years & after a extended break returned to group sex.

I think couples can have rules and limits and a couple should adhere to them. But at house parties, people have sexual relations. Earlier in our career, I always wanted to swap with another couple first. Primarily because my wife was always in high demand and I thought if we didn’t couple swap, she would do the whole party while I ate coffee cake ( that actually happened). What I learned over time was that house parties entail individuals hooking up with other individuals. When we last went to one, my wife picked who she wanted to play with and so did I. At the last couple of parties, I upped my confidence level and I had a good time. Even had an encounter with a woman who I met before who I thought was out of my league. Back to your situation, you have to be able to let go and let your wife explore or swinging is not for you. Or maybe house parties are not for you and you should just meet with another couple or single privately. Maybe she broke your rules, but the rules seem restrictive for a house party situation. Your reaction seems disproportionate to the transgression. Go back to square one, play with a couple or a single, build trust and see where it goes.

Going to write an answer to my own question. Attended the weekend of July 24th, 2020. The night club was closed due to COVID restrictions, which was disappointing but turned out not to be a problem at all. Staff & employees continue to be absolutely top notch. I haven't received the level of service I received at Caliente at anywhere but the most high end restaurant. The entire property was clean. I paid am extra $100.00 a day for a reserved cabanna (booked it when making the reservations). Any food or drink purchased poolside went towards the $100 fee for the cabana. So I would definitely recommend that for other travelers. The cabana we had was in the shade (not sure if they all are). It consists of a double matress that has a tilt to it so it's like sitting in a pool chair. The food was excellent. The burgers had been better in the past but chicken sandwich and steaks were awesome. I didn't drink but the bartenders worked fast and effectively. Out of maybe 200-300 people 50-60 dressed for theme night which was Boots & Booties, a cowboy theme. Saturday at the conversation pool was very hot and steamy bit also very classy. No one was ride, stared or made us feel unwelcome. On Sunday the pool was busy, and people were sociable without being instrusive. We asked for a late check-out changing from 10am to 1pm instead. We are not members and the room we got was dated however I am happy to report the carpet had been taken out and replaced with hardwood tile type flooring. There was no official after party the night we were there although it's likely there were private get togethers. SDC seemed the best way to see other attendees. Would have liked see the new members Meet & Greets return although I'm not sure if that's audible given the current envoronment. I give Caliente a 9/10. A room update being the only thing that would make the experience better.

Thanks for the reply, EMT! You definitely should use your own words. "Y'all wanna swap spouses and fuck?" might be a bit abrupt, though. I would be remiss if I didn't relate our sole bad experience. We were staying in a hotel in Amarillo, Texas, when we met an attractive California couple at the swimming pool and invited them to dinner at The Big Texan, one of the few places I know where one can order bison or rattlesnake. They were friendly, didn't object when Laura arranged the seating with her next to him and his wife next to me. We laughed, joked and exchanged suggestive body language. When Laura unleashed the Big Question, however, the woman clammed up and didn't say another word. We made the drive back to the hotel in silence and never saw them again. Alura