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Sad news but not at all surprising. The past six months have been very hard for most small businesses, particularly those that serve the public in person — whether the general public or specific segments — such as restaurants, gyms and (for our community) swing clubs. The next six to twelve months, until a safe and effective vaccine has been tested, manufactured and broadly deployed, will be tougher on these businesses still. Large corporate restaurant and fitness chains may have the financial resources to survive, but most of the mom & pop restaurants, fitness centers and (are there any other kind) swingers clubs that haven’t already closed permanently will do so in the next few months. That’s the bad news. The good news is that the barriers to entry for these businesses are all relatively low and there is generally a more than adequate supply of entrepreneurial candidates to address the market’s demand. And once fear of Covid-19 subsides most of us will be eager to resume recreational sex with old friends and for opportunities to make new ones. Swingers clubs, whether those that have been in hibernation or new ones, will bloom.

This is wise. Our experience is that when two couples meet for the first time, within 10 or 15 minutes it is clear whether it will be the last time. Even so, if no one is in a hurry to leave, there is still the question of how far all four are comfortable seeing things progress. Our experience mirrors that of njbm, about halfway through the ride home the question comes up whether we are interested in seeing the other couple again, and in what context. By the time we reach home, it's pretty clear whether there will be another meeting, and moreover where. The "where" matters because if in our home, the hot tub will be open, and no swimsuits are allowed in our hot tub. The other couple is surely having a similar conversation, do they want to see us again, and in what context. They are deciding as well. If we find ourselves interested in seeing them again, we'll take the initiative and write a note about what a great time we had at the restaurant, and we'd love to see them again at our home when schedules match. This puts the ball in their court. If they come back with a "sounds wonderful, what can we bring?" this often becomes a great opportunity to let the ladies communicate directly.

By vanilla ( lifestyle lingo), I mean that you agree to meet to get to know one another, but you do not expect to have sex on that first meeting. Sometimes one of us sees a red flag or is particularly turned off, but you can’t say it in front of the other couple. If you have a vanilla meeting, you can evaluate on the ride home.

Early in adult life, there is exploration and experimentation. Young people are expected to "date" widely. 100 years ago, virginity might have expected. Contemporary cultural norms reflect the fact that a couple should probably "try out" all facets of married life, including sex--and especially sex with each other--prior to marriage. There is a wonderful romantic myth that we all eventually find "the one" true life partner. The wedding vows typically involve "love, honor, and 'forsake all others'". The problem, of course, is that people grow, they grow differently, and sometimes grow in different directions. Monogamy, which is used as a symbol or as a fence, is threatened. Boredom ensues, and the married couple starts to to yearn for some variety. What's interesting is that so often the couple is still very much in love. The marriage may also make sense for economic or other reasons. The couple wants to sustain and even further mature the relationship. But sex--or more precisely lack of sex--is in the way. For women especially who have been told that after marriage, only marital sex is permissible, start having difficulty dealing with their sexual fantasies. They have been told it is "wrong" to have them, much less act on them. Men seem to have less embarrassment about the fantasies, which itself is problematic because it can make the woman feel somehow inadequate. Still, the idea of sex outside of marriage has been intrinsically thought to be so sinful that it gets not one but two mentions in The Ten Commandments: thou shalt not covet they neighbor's wife, and thou shalt not commit adultery. (Killing only gets one mention, which gives some sense of priority. ) So it is understandable that consideration of (much less a decision to) violate 2/10 commandments causes all sorts of stress. Of course, swinging is neither about committing adultery nor is it about coveting someone else's spouse. It is adult play. But it is hard for many--men and women--to wrap their heads around the idea that it is just adult play. And if something "goes wrong" , there is fear that there will be irremediable and horrible consequences. At the same the are looking forward to some play, some fun, some relief from the ordinary stresses of the ordinary world. "You make the arrangements, I will just show up" is another way of saying "If it doesn't work, you own the responsibility, and I will not burn in the fires of hell". We might suggest finding two or three lifestyle couples who seem interesting enough that you might enjoy--and especially that your wife might enjoy--sharing drinks or dinner without any expectations beyond that initial social get together. We spend so much of our lives these days isolated that the idea of actually getting dressed a bit to go to a restaurant and enjoy someone else preparing a meal while having interesting conversation is going to be attractive. The nice thing about the lifestyle is that "no thank you" is respected and never taken as an affront. On the other hand, the mutual seduction is fun and interesting. What makes the lifestyle good for many who are in it is knowing that their spouse is quite attractive to others--but going home with you.

Take your time, there's no rush here. It sounds like she has warmed to the idea, but doesn't want to be responsible if anything goes wrong. The bigger issue here is that you both need to be in this together. Work on improving your mutual trust and try to get her to open up more. You are a team and must work together as a team.

My gut tells me that time is your ally in this because your wife is still wrapping her mind around the concept. I would say let it gestate. You are young enough to let things progress slowly. We waited until the complexities of raising our family were in our past. To everything there is a season. In the meanwhile do your best to get well beyond the "brother/sister" relationship.

"The undergraduate college adjacent to my law school had some bathroom stalls with no doors." I was an enlisted guy on an Aircraft Carrier. The college bathroom sounds really luxurious . . .

The undergraduate college adjacent to my law school had some bathroom stalls with no doors. So if someone was on the bowl, there was no front door. My roommate commented “I don’t want to see the Dean pinching a loaf” and went on to imitate him grimacing and squeezing his fists. Somethings are best left a mystery.

Most likely that was the norm many many years ago. The Roman’s had communal toilets, I attached a picture from Pompeii. I enjoy my privacy in the toilet, my alone time. It is strange that Americans who are usually much more private about nudity compared to Europeans, have less privacy in public toilets. We have toilets with doors that only partially block the view, small doors, with sides that allow others to see, while many other countries have private water closets. Urinating and defecating are the most natural thing all living animals do. Why do we hide when doing it is a good question. Maybe we defecate privately due to the stink. Mike has told me about men’s rooms that still have communal urinals. Back to the original post, sex in the open has become less of a problem for us. Maybe it is the excitement of maybe getting caught.

From the phys.org article, "Ben Mocha concludes his paper by introducing a theory of his own—he believes that the reason humans (and babblers) began looking for privacy during sex was because the male wanted to prevent other males from seeing his female partner in a state of arousal. Such a state, he suggests, would likely have encouraged other males to attempt to mate with her." The problem with that theory is that even in sexually liberal time and sexually liberal societies, females want privacy as much or more than the males - see the post immediately above. One would think if it were a male control thing, women would want to be in public and mate with other men. That is the theory behind women being much more noisy verbally during sex, to broadcast her receptive state to other males. It may go along with the question that has stuck with me: why do humans make a big deal about excreting in private? We like to eat together. Why not big rooms with plenty of toilets, conversation, and ventilation? Does it all have to do with exposing our genitals? From a personal perspective, I've noticed that when hiking with family members and close friends, both the men and the women have no reservations about peeing in front of others, but taking a dump is private.

Since our introduction to swinging I have opened up to a more public sex experience, something that almost stopped me at the start. I have posted that our first experience was a swap of mates. Having sex with a new partner in private was an unforgettable experience. Not taking anything away from the great sex I have with my husband, a new partner, a man I just met was both terrifying and indescribable in a slut way. In private I was being the deep seated sexual person I wanted to be. I didn’t care what anyone was going to think, I wanted to be satisfied first and satisfying the partner I was with was secondary. Behind closed doors he was the perfect partner and the night was everything I hoped it would be. He told me it was great and I at the time felt he was truthful. Same person, now in a public setting, with my husband watching with the other wife acted in a totally different manner. What was erotic now became raw. What was tender now became hard and dominating. What was a shared experience was now me being used as a receptacle for his sexual release. I didn’t complain at the time and my discomfort of the scene was not picked up by my husband. The lover was now being a showman. I have since become more comfortable with public sex, the same partner is now more fun in public, no longer trying to show his manliness to others. He has become my favorite person, other than my husband, to have sex with. His wife is the only woman I have become comfortable playing with. Even with her, I still enjoy private play versus putting on a display for the men. Private or public, I still would chose private with one person.