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Let us add a complementary perspective. Marriage is a journey. Ask any long-married couple--here we are speaking of 30+ years--and they will tell you that while they may still be madly in love, they are not the same people who were in love in the beginning. Everyone changes. In the beginning, there is romantic love and often a desire to adapt to the other's idealization. As time goes on, there are revelations as to who the other 'really' is. Sometimes these revelations are merely quirks. Other times, they are destructive, awful, and the marriage needs to be dissolved. Among the long-marrieds, they (and we) were fortunate to marry partners with shared values that enabled them to navigate the revelations and growth that make the arcs of a marriage interesting. When the LS enters the conversation in a marriage, two conversations often need to happen. The first is about fantasies, intentions, and boundaries. It's both clarification and negotiation. The second, and perhaps more important, conversation is about the two toxic affects: envy and jealousy. Envy (I wish I had what s/he's got) is an expression of fear of inadequacy--the "I'm not good enough" tape that we all play in our heads from time to time. Jealousy is something else again--an expression of the fear of abandonment. Those twin fears are hard enough to acknowledge much less bring up in discussion. But they will be somehow confronted in the lifestyle. Beneath all of this lies something much deeper--how each of us perceives loss and the risk of loss. Life's hard truth is that everything we hold dear--home, job, wealth, those we love, and even life itself can vanish in an instant. Dig a bit, and just about everyone in the LS has experienced some sort of deep loss--and managed to recover. You'll seen a surfeit of first responders in the LS who deal with tragedy daily. You'll see doctors and teachers and...yes...clergy in the LS, all of whom deal with life's fragilities. That is often the stimulus to see their marriages with great clarity--foundations, values, and why they remain so deeply committed to and in love with their spouses.

You are surely correct. Let us expand on what we meant. Five years ago, we were on a lifestyle cruise and had the pleasure of dining with three other couples including John and Jackie Melfi (of OpenLove101.com). The conversation was wide ranging and, as it eventually does in many swinger gatherings, turned to each couples' journey into the LS. What followed was the more unusual question of why any/all of us stayed in the LS, and further decided to spend the money to travel to Europe and board a river cruise with 100 or so other LS couples. The conversation quickly transitioned through play/have fun to being at ease around like-minded others. Jackie went on to tell her story--you can listen to some of it at their website--of her introduction to the LS. She enumerated a list of contrasts in values and in accepted/acceptable behaviors. She concluded by acknowledging the dichotomy: not real world versus fantasy world but rather two real worlds with different expectations and different values and different behaviors. She felt that in the LS she could be more of her authentic self, where authenticity is somehow measured as the proximity between the normative/acceptable behaviors and what feels "right" in one's own schema of what matters and what is important. That conversation was transformational for us in the sense that it changed the way we experienced the balance of the cruise. Maybe it was that night or a night later in the cruise, we took off the theme night outfits, put on our robes, and wandered down to the pool, about a 15 x 20' pool that was turned up to hot tub temperatures, late October, roof open to the stars above. There were maybe 15 other couples down there--some playing on the lounge chairs on the surrounding deck, some soft play in the water, some just relaxing and chatting, and one or two ladies just sitting on the edge just sipping a drink and soaking up the atmosphere. Everyone nude, of course, except the staff that was happy to serve those adult beverages (in safe plastic containers of course). In due course, we retired to our stateroom. As we drifted off to sleep, we reflected on the level of respect, absence of tension, and comfort everyone seemed to have with the experience. It was spontaneous and not contrived except with respect to the cruise itself. It felt, in many ways, at least as authentic as when we greeted many of those same couples at breakfast and on the shore tour the following morning. The tour of course, has an entirely planned itinerary, experience, and timing. That did not make it any less satisfactory. But it served to remind us of how vanilla life has norms, structures, and expectations that are different from the LS.

There are several Cardinal Rules of Swinging that tend to pop up in replies all throughout this site, and one of them is "move at the pace of the slowest person." Right now, that sounds like that is you, by a long shot. If she's not willing to do that, or even get close to doing that, then that probably says this is more about her than it is you together as a couple. That's not a recipe for long term success in swinging; in fact, it's almost a guarantee of failure...catastrophic life changing failure. If swinging is something she wants for the both of you, then just keep up the talking and see where it evolves to. There's no timeline on this. You may warm to the idea and become more enthusiastic about it, her interest may wane some or a lot, or maybe both, or maybe neither. But, whatever it ends up, you need to have arrived there together and at the same time. That's the only way I see it working.

My two cents on sildenafil (Viagra) is that it doesn't make you bigger but it eliminates the issue many men face in the lifestyle. When there are multiple people in a room, some men get in their own heads and cause performance anxiety. When a guy starts thinking 'oh no, it isn't getting hard', it exacerbates the problem. Then, spiraling out of control into a terrible situation...your partner is having a blast, the other husband is having a blast, the other wife is frustrated, you become temperamental and the night could go off the rails. Taking a small dose of Viagra provides the safety net for some guys. I've watched guys in their 20's drop a 100mg Viagra. That seems nuts to me. For the most part, a 25mg dose is enough to provide assurance that you'll perform. This also keeps side effects down. I don't recommend anyone take prescription drugs if they don't need them. However, if you're looking to take it, always go with a small dose to see how your body reacts. Most guys I've talked to take 25 - 50mg (get the prescription for 100mg and cut them down, since the cost is the same for 25mg and 100mg).

Most of our friends are on the younger side 26-45 and I don’t see many problems with ED but I do know some of the guys have used pills at our get togethers, including my husband. I think it makes the guys think they are bigger, harder or go longer. My girlfriends and I have even told guys how much bigger they are. I never believed anyone was bigger but I would agree just to agree. Are they harder? Maybe but at our age most of the guys who come to a party or even a small get together can get pretty hard from the get go. Refractory time differs without taking pills. As for going longer my observation is not scientific. We have friends that are quicker than others. More than a couple might finish too soon. At one of our after game parties last year, where many of the guys had taken whatever they were taking, I was approached by someone who I had been with before. Someone I would consider a friend, a great guy and someone I enjoy as a person. I had played with him a few times and he always apologized about timing. His wife has thanked me in the past for dealing with what she lives with. I assured her I am fine and she is lucky to be married to a great guy. He approached me with confidence and a smile. I would say I thought he was harder, he never had an erection problem. My unscientific conclusion about going longer, it doesn’t. Does it make you bigger? No. Does it make you harder? Maybe. From what I know the pills increase blood flow and helps erections to men who otherwise have that problem. If it makes a guy think he is bigger, harder and go longer, good for them.

Thank you so much for your input. You hit several areas I have thought about. We have only just begun to talk this through. I am afraid that I won’t handle watching my husband do to another what he does to me? Jealous? Maybe a bit but, it’s the unknown that both scare me and excite me. This forum has been such a help and all are will to sharE ( excuse the pun ). Knowing that all my questions have been asked so so may others is comforting. Thanks again for you help.

My husband and I have been a part of the SLS website for just over 9 months and have met some great and not so great people on there. I think there's going to be a mixed bag of people you find, no matter the website you use. I agree with the other replies that your successes will depend on location, effort put into your profile, the quality of your messages to others, etc. SLS is the only website we've used to find other swingers and don't have any complaints. If anything, you can try out a paid membership for a month or two and then extend on to a lifetime if you're so motivated. Good luck!

I think the experienced members will all tell you the same thing, that we will be blunt with what we think about a post. It's no service to you for us to tell you one thing and think another. So, I'll be blunt here. I'm seeing red flags; not enormous ones, but fairly big. I don't think your wife is being totally forthcoming with why she wants to sell her used panties. It obviously isn't for money. There's another reason. That the two of you aren't talking honestly and openly about it is a big red flag to me. Swinging demands honest and openness between you, else it will lead to disaster. ? Your wife's experience is also apparently leading to her progressing this far more rapidly than you are quite ready for. It's a common piece of advice around here; always move at the pace of the slower spouse. It's ok to be slow. It's not ok for the other spouse to rush ahead and leave you in the dirt. This, too, is razing a big red flag to me. She has to want you to be fully onboard with this, and both of you will enjoy it far more if you're both on the same page, in full communication, and in full support of each other. ? You appear to be very conflicted about how much you do or don't want to know. It's a dawning realization that your wife is a very strongly sexual creature. That can change your view of her, and if you're not 100% open with each it could be for the negative. There's nothing wrong with her being so intensely sexual. It doesn't make her a slut, and doesn't mean she's less of a person for it. Give her a safe environment to open up her deepest desires to you, without judgment, without criticism, and you will find yourselves becoming much, much closer. Same goes for her giving you that environment. I don't see that environment right now. I see both of you holding back from each other. This is a major red flag too. ? I don't see a huge problem with your wife's sexual experiences overlapping with your relationship with her, in that you weren't serious with her yet. Ok, you were staying at your place, but by your own admission it wasn't a serious relationship yet. It would have been nice if she'd been more open with you about it, but it's water ten years+ under the bridge now. Let it go. Work on the future. Communicate with her. Your wife obviously has a very high sex drive. That's perfectly fine. Swinging is a way to satiate that desire. If your relationship is otherwise very loving, very close, then swinging can be a great release for her to have all the sex she craves. If your relationship isn't that way, then swinging will cause great harm to your relationship. As for your desire to have another man have sex with your wife; there's nothing wrong with that. For me, I can tell you this; I absolutely love watching my wife have sex with other men. I love seeing it, hearing her reaction, seeing her reaction, and if she's giving me head at the same time _feeling_ her reaction. It's intensely erotic. Probably the most erotic thing to me is when my wife had a regular boyfriend (two, at different times) and she played with them without condoms. When we had threesomes I really loved making love to her right after her boyfriend came inside of her. Early on, this was very confusing to me, like it seems with you. I tried really, really hard to understand how I could want and enjoy my wife having sex with other men. Nothing in our lives prepares us for understanding why I as a guy would want to have sex with my wife right after another man came inside of her. I gave up trying to answer that question. I came to realize it's not a logical question and doesn't have a logical answer. It's purely emotional, one that feels fantastic for her and for me. It's ok to want to see your wife having sex with another man. You don't have to explain it to yourself. It's ok to just relish the thought and enjoy it if it happens. It's great that your wife gets that wet. My wife occasionally does that with a swing partner, where she starts to (what I call) cream on her partner. You can see it on his cock as she's fucking him. Delightful It also lets me know she's thoroughly enjoying him, and having a great time. As for having 4"; stop worrying about it. Virtually every woman will tell you it's not about the size. That said, my wife has enjoyed a wide array of penis sizes and enjoys having it all. I've seen my wife have sex with men about your size. I've seen her have sex with a man whose penis was absolutely enormous, both in girth and length. She loves it all. You aren't insufficient; the proof of that is your wife is married to you after these ten years and chooses you. It's ok if you have little interest in having sex with other women. That might change, but if it never does it's ok. MFMs are lots of fun, and if that and variants (MMMFMMM, etc ) are all you ever do, it's great. In general; I'd say the two of you have quite a bit of talking to do before going any further with this. Feel free to keep asking us questions. We're a helpful bunch and will be happy to answer.

Bless you as I have no hope in the near future. My home was built in 57 and even if we were to use the guest room downstairs the sound caries via the duct work. She is NOT quiet during sex so... we wait. Enjoy yourself!

An interesting sensation, and it gets to the heart of the dichotomy between what is generally referred to as "vanilla life" and "swinger life". At the outset of exploring the lifestyle. just about everyone keeps those two lives separate owing to the 'taboo' aspect of the LS. It's not uncommon, after making that switch a few times, to ask oneself (or, more accurately, for a couple to ask themselves) which is more authentic and which feels more contrived. At least some couples end up embracing the idea that their swinger life is simply a part of their lives, their swinger friends are authentic and so on.

Vibrator recommendations always break the ice.

For what it's worth, our first attempts were "same-room" swap, first soft, then full swap. I don't think that in either case we felt like it was impersonal, but it was also far from an "orgy" situation, and we knew the other couple reasonably well. When we've done one-off MFM, it's never been with a third we knew well, it's often a casual pickup situation. The type of chemistry with the other people will determine more about the vibe, I think, then the configuration of bodies. It's relatively rare for Mrs. E to excitedly want to include a stranger, but when she's game, I want to take advantage of it. She tends to have much more fun with people she knows well, which can make finding new partners a challenge but also was a big deal to getting her comfortable enough to explore. As others have said, let her give you the signals about what she wants to think about and talk about further. She may want you to take the lead on being confident and showing her that her ideas are OK if she has some difficulty with the taboo, but her comfort level is what's going to make it a success.