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“Concerning sex, our primary cultural assumption is that monogamy is the only acceptable pattern. A writer is permitted to write endlessly about rape, incest, adultery, and major perversion … provided he suggests that all of these things are always sinful or at least a social mistake — and must be paid for, either publicly or in remorse. (The thing the censors had against Lady Chatterley and her lover were not their rather tedious monosyllables, but the fact that they liked adultery and got away with it – and lived happily ever after.)” This quote is from Robert A. Heinlein in 1960 in a letter to his agent as he was authoring Stranger In A Strange Land. It should be noted that 'major perversion' probably included non-monogamy as Heinlein and his wife were almost certainly swingers. Although we have progressed some in the last sixty years, I think his comments continue to be somewhat valid. Your comments?

The problem with asking someone else to respond to your situation is that we are all going to overlay our own relationship expectations onto your relationship. Would your relationship meet my expectations? No. From your description, do I recognize dysfunctional/unhealthy behaviors in your relationship? Yes (forgive me for being blunt.) But, my answer, and my observations, are not really germane. The only questions that matter are, What are the expectations that you and your wife have about your relationship? I've lived long enough to have seen all manner of relationships that I do not understand how they work? Yet, somehow, they endure, warts and all. Conversely, I've watched what appeared to be very good relationships disintegrate for reasons I don't understand? Human beings are very complex animals, with very complex social constructs. There is no one-size-fits-all. I'll finish with this: If you and your wife are sufficiently motivated to work on yourselves, and your relationship, it would probably be worth your while to seek some outside assistance.

People like to express moral outrage and condemnation, whether it be the chorus in Euripides or the audience of Jerry Springer.

It's still perfectly relevant today. People are far, far more taken aback at the idea that a married person is playing with permission than they are with the idea of a married person cheating. Cheating is more socially acceptable than swinging. I've seen this first hand.

Pretty much everyone today was fucking someone else when they met the person who would become their spouse. Even before we started swinging, I treasured those stories as did my wife. It's actually a good way to start the conversation.

This brings to mind Ang Lee’s 1997 film “The Ice Storm.” Non-marital sex — both swinging and adulatory — is cast in a negative light. And a moralistic fate deals a cruel blow; as a knock-on effect of a key party among adults the child of one of the couples is electrocuted by a fallen power line. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Ice_Storm_(film)

My first toy was not life like, it was a vibrating plastic tube. I would insert it even if it was the vibration that was the real relief. My mom had in her drawer penis shaped vibes. Shhh don’t tell her I knew lol. When I built up my nerve to go to an adult store on 8th Ave in NYC I couldn’t believe all the different toys or the looks I was getting. Also couldn’t believe the prices. I thought the huge penises were gag gifts. I picked a red jelly like penis put my head down and went to pay. Just wanted to get out of the store. The clerk most likely saw my nervousness and played me. Called out to another Asian guy Hey how much is the eight inch jell vibe. I know everyone was looking at me. My answer to the original question is my favorite alone toy is a Hitachi Wand. A present from a girlfriend. It is very fast and efficient, maybe too intense. It isn’t for a long relaxing play so I mix in my fingers. TMI.

From the Merriam-Webster dictionary: Definition of monogamy 1a: the state or practice of having only one sexual partner at a time

Ahhh, the favorite American past time of word parsing. I'll join. We do not consider ourselves monogamous, but we do believe we maintain our love for and our fidelity to each other. I am sure most non-swingers would not agree.