Leaderboard

Glad to respond to this. A few points to consider from my/our perspective. Therapy is like any other endeavor: you get out of it what you put into it. There is nothing to be "for" or "against". It's analogous to physical exercise. The people who get something beneficial from it are those who really embrace it and put it into practice. Sounds like you have already checked that box. Therapy is an intensely personal experience. Finding the "right therapist for you" is akin to finding the right medical doctor for you. Sometimes, you have to look far and wide. Sometimes you get lucky on the first try. The most important factor is that you and he/she develop deep trust and communication, the quicker the better. Therapy can lead you to explore some pretty deep stuff. If you don't trust and relate well to the person sitting across from you, it will have limited, if any, value. And, just like any other profession, some therapists are better than others. Find one who is skilled and don't be afraid to interview as many as needed until you do. Since you are specifically going into therapy to discuss having an open marriage, you'll need to find a therapist who is both familiar with these kinds of alternative lifestyles and doesn't have a negative opinion of them. They definitely exist, but there are far fewer of them than those who cater to the mainstream lifestyle. If you're going into therapy to find someone to endorse your decisions, you're likely to be disappointed. Prepare yourself to hear something you may not want to. That's okay. That's why you go to therapy. Sticking with the exercise analogy, that's why you have an annual check-up. Your doctor may tell you that extra 15 pounds you gained during the pandemic is causing some unwanted health issues and you need to get back to eating right and exercising (been there, done that... lol) It's not what you want to hear, but deep down, you know it's true. And you know you'll be better for it. Remember the old Theosophical saying, "When the student is ready, the teacher will appear." I applaud your decision to seek therapy *before* you jump into the deep end of an alternative lifestyle. Ann and I did the same thing. We wanted to make sure that we were standing on terra firma before we pressed launch. Let's face it: A whole lot of people come to the lifestyle with all kinds of relationship issues. If you choose to swing, trust me, any weakness in your relationship with your partner is going to be exposed. And you better have the tools to deal with it or it could very likely end poorly for both of you. Also, you'll need to have the tools to successfully deal with perfect strangers in an unusually intimate and complex social setting. Initially, *everything* will be a challenge. Lastly, I would suggest you visit with a medical doctor, too, so you can be fully aware of the physical health considerations that are biologically present when you have sex with multiple partners (who themselves have sex with multiple partners.) There is more to be concerned about than simple STDs or an unwanted pregnancy. Again, I'd suggest seeking out a physician who is familiar with alternative lifestyles. Best to luck to you two.

Advice from a wife here. I was raised in a traditional strict Catholic family. My advice is to let your wife know that you love her, and love her unconditionally. Then let her know that you would be happy for her to explore sexually, with absolutely no conditions or expectations that you want anything in return, other than perhaps for her to share whatever joy she gets from it. Your wife needs to feel that she is in absolute control every step of the way. Never criticize her for what she does, who she does it with, when she does it, or where (even in your bed). Shortly after I started dating the man who would become my husband, David, he told me that he knew that I was still involved with my ex-fiancé, specifically that I was still having sex with him, that he was fine with it and he was going to be monogamous with me. It felt to me like something that I deserved. It was a feeling of empowerment that I was fucking them on my terms. Even more so because they both knew about the other and still wanted me anyway. For this reason and many other, I agreed to marry David when he asked. When I decided after two years that it would be fun for both of us if my husband played too, I did the recruiting among my girlfriends and acquaintances. The success rate with my religious friends was pretty high, much higher than I expected. (None of them were "country" and not all Christian - there were two observant Jews and one a Muslim.) I think that they felt comfortable that David and I were married and we were letting them into our marriage, like they weren't fucking around, it was all within the confines of marriage, just not their marriage. Your wife has to feel that it is not cheating if you, her spouse consents. And just as we can enjoy dinner, a movie, or anything else with another person, sex with someone else isn't wrong if everyone involved approves. It may take awhile, but be patient, loving, and supportive every step of the way, and don't push - let her lead. Good luck and keep us posted.

Whenever someone tells me that they are a therapist, psychologist, psychiatrist, I ask, "How does that make you feel?" It's their go-to line, like "Have you tried turning it off and back on again?"

People may think that intercourse is the ultimate act of sex and that going all the way means having a penis in the vagina. My husband and I have oral sex only quite frequently and both feel very satisfied. Some mornings I will wake my husband up with a blowjob and not wanting anything in return and he will wake me up other mornings with a tongue pleasing wake up. We were with the couple we have been meeting and I started to do what I normally do with my husband by kissing our friend’s penis. I enjoyed his reactions and continued to give him a blowjob and started thinking how beautiful his penis was. He tried several times to stop me and go further and told him to just relax and enjoy as I enjoyed doing it. I licked and sucked, took him deep in and then only the head. I explored his walnuts with slight pressure. Several times he tried to stop me and didn’t. I could hear my husband talking in the other room and figured they finished what they were doing. When my friend came he said that was the most intimate thing he has experienced. Is it?

Due to the limited resources for swingers and anyone interested in the LS in our immediate area, my wife and I are considering starting our own adult website. Just do it as a hobby. No, we are not taking a site for porn or anything like that. Nor, it is intended to be money generating. We are just looking at something to provide some links to information for anyone interested in our area. Undoubtedly, the most important link would be to here, the Swingers Board website, as this has been one of the most important and best source of information to us. Anyone have any suggestions or cautions about us doing this?

How about starting a club here? "Swingers in Trophy1802's Area" sort of thing. The club feature here is vastly better than what was the "social groups" on the old vBulletin platform, and it's really underutilized. We have some big ideas for it, that may or may not ever come to fruition. Covid, clubs closed, etc. have made it more a time to focus on trying to hold onto what you've got instead of focusing on the new... but maybe someday. Basically, you can make your group public, private (by application and approval), or invite only. Then you can have like your own special forum that is just for that club. It's kind of like a FB group, but better, because speaking as a forum owner, FB sucks Like anything on the web though, visibility is the name of the game. If search engines don't serve you up so people can find you, then it's going to be a very slow go. That's going to be true of any platform, and it is a LOT of work and constant battle to even keep your head above water on the google game. Some sites can afford to have a staff of full time professionals doing just that. Note - this site isn't one of them! We would like some of that please Maybe even just a little piece?? Maybe even just a crumb??? Websites aren't expensive to start, you can do one for dang near free...and then see your site running on your free software and your $4.99/month shared hosting plan melt down right when all of your hours upon hours, days upon days of hard work start to bear fruit and your site starts to take off. But, you can spend a lot of money quick putting up a big fancy building with all of the lights on and it stay virtually empty too... but the bills keep coming. So, the most important thing is to be nimble enough to adjust as needed, but that's easier said than done because the further you go down one road on a platform or whatever, the more difficult it is to switch to something different/better even when you know you need to. Curious to hear more and happy to help in whatever way we can. Don't claim to be experts, talented amateurs even a stretch, but we're still here so doing at least something halfway right.

Search is your friend and there are several threads that discuss this. That ought to get you started with some light reading. Here's a story from another couple overcoming this: Here's a book to also read on the topic: Divine Sex: Liberating sex from religious tradition by Philo Thelios And finally a quote or two that I made before and a link to a post that I regularly go back and read about monogamy and and the Bible: Being raised in a very religious family, I have done more than a little research on this topic. I couldn't understand why in the old testament men had multiple wives but it just stopped in the new testament with no explanation as to why. If you also really search the Bible, there is actually very little information regarding sex and what is and isn't 'allowed'. What are big issues now were almost overlooked in the Bible: homosexuality for instance is almost ignored in the Bible, yet the Romans openly allowed it. Over the years, depending on who was in charge and what their beliefs were, the Bible was 'edited' and spelling mistakes and/or translation issues have changed what the Bible said. While the Bible may have been from God, it hasn't remained untouched or unchanged by man. Bottom line is we both believe in God and are religious, but we also believe that whatever anyone else believes in, as long as it makes them a better person and doesn't hurt others, is a good thing and should be allowed and encouraged. I would hate to be in front of the gates of heaven only to see Buddha or Allah or The Great Spirit was the 'right' God and have Him tell us 'you picked the wrong God...sorry, you are out'. I believe that this won't happen, but at the same time believe that God wouldn't be so religious exclusive (only one 'right' religion and everyone else goes to Hell). Most organized religion teaches 'be a good person and be nice to everyone else'...we do our best to adhere to this although we identify ourselves as Christian. Swinging is something that we do TOGETHER in the light, not behind the back of our SO in the dark. It doesn't 'hurt' either one of us and we do our best not to allow it to hurt anyone else. We don't see where it goes against our 'makes them a better person and doesn't hurt others' belief so we don't have a conflict or issue with the two. We try, as instructed by the Bible, not to judge others and keep our stone casting in check. Monogamy Isn't Biblical, It's Roman I hope it is obvious that I have spent more than a little time on this subject attempting to understand the topic and we hope that something here will help you.

My professional training was in clinical psychology, though in my case “other sports beckoned” (literally). But those four years in grad school did leave me with a perspective on how psychotherapy can be helpful to individuals, couples and families. From my perspective AndrewandAnn’s advice is excellent, probably the best on the subject I’ve seen posted on this board. The fact is relatively few prospective novitiates to the Lifestyle are likely to follow A&A’s sage advice, but whether they open their sex lives to others or ultimately decide not to, those couples who do work with a therapist beforehand are significantly more likely to find themselves in a good place a year or more down their personal road than those who don’t. I won’t reiterate all of A&S’s recommendations, but there are two that I believe deserve added emphasis: “Since you are specifically going into therapy to discuss having an open marriage, you'll need to find a therapist who is both familiar with these kinds of alternative lifestyles and doesn't have a negative opinion of them. They definitely exist, but there are far fewer of them than those who cater to the mainstream lifestyle.” This is critical. Attitudes toward alternative sexual and romantic lifestyles have changed — to a degree. But many mainstream therapists will, whether consciously or because of their unconscious biases, steer you away from sexual exploration that involves any person(s) outside your relationship. On the other hand, there are a fair number of couples therapists who are open-minded on the subject (and may themselves have relevant personal experience.) In the past I’ve occasionally helped then-vanilla friends find such therapists. A Google search is helpful, though you will be much more likely to find them in larger metropolitan areas than in smaller communities in rural areas. “Lastly, I would suggest you visit with a medical doctor, too, so you can be fully aware of the physical health considerations that are biologically present when you have sex with multiple partners (who themselves have sex with multiple partners.) There is more to be concerned about than simple STDs or an unwanted pregnancy. Again, I'd suggest seeking out a physician who is familiar with alternative lifestyles.” A wise person has an accurate assessment of the risks involved in any activity. Risk can be managed and every person or couple who wish to enjoy the benefits of sex with others will need to decide the level of health (and social — people lose jobs and friends through indiscretion) risks they are willing to accept. Some of my dear Lifestyle friends seem to me to be in denial about the health risks they assume, both sexual and these days non-sexual ones. Try not to be like them.

Also beware of your provider's terms of service or any other agreements you sign when establishing the service. Many have clauses for adult content or worse yet vaguely articulated terms that could be widely interpreted. Laws in the hosting country could also be a hindering factor.

I think my wife spent ten years in Catholic school. After that, if the Church doesn't have you hook, line and sinker they'll never have you and she fell into the "never have me" camp. We both look at it this way: Churchgoing men in suits unleash more evil via executive order every day than we could in an entire lifetime of our naughty yet consensual lifestyle. If what we do is a sin than it's really just a small one in the grand scheme of things. Live, love, indulge a little.

Bill Clinton didn't think so. Lol... ? Personally, I draw no distinction between the intimacy of one sex act versus another. Is anal sex more intimate than vaginal sex? Is oral sex more intimate than vaginal sex? I don't recognize any difference per se and have never attempted to grade them on an intimacy scale. However, if you're asking me when do I feel most "connected" with my lover when having sex, it's a tie between intercourse and sixty-nine. Likewise, I've never asked Ann her opinion on this subject, but I am fairly confident she would say intercourse. I think the answers will vary considerably based upon the individual, but I could be wrong.

We would not have sex outside our marriage without a condom. We understand poly or closed groups, but not rando other swingers. Thanks adamgunn for a more accurate call on hetero HIV. That’s about double what I thought.

Thanks you all for the advice. We have shied away form clubs in the past because we thought couples would want to play together and right now we are just looking for the wife to play and didn't want to disappoint. We now think that maybe we need to do some more research into our local scene. We have been very disappointed with our online options which is why we came here. So far so good!

I think that would freak my dog out lol! There's a big difference between Swinging and Dogging. I think it doesn't really count as Dogging if it's at a swing club. My NJ peeps no doubt know about the infamous 'adult book store' BNA. A couple we know said they had a good time there, that other couples were in attendance, and the men there ranged from about 20 to 50. We get down to that neighborhhod every couple of months, so about three years ago we scouted it together. Couples get in free so we walked through the door from the bookstore part to the dimly lit back room. There were glory hole rooms, larger movie rooms, and a couple play areas - all with porn playing on TVs. The physical environment didn't actually seem that bad... but the clientelle. There were exactly 4 men inside, each positioned at the separate areas of the back room. We walked from the entrance all the way to the back, then returned and by the time we were back to the entrance all four men were lined up behind us like baby ducks lol. The men were creeper types: definitely aged somewhere above 60 and very creepy. I would say we were back outside within 5 minutes of getting there. We told our friends about our visit and they said it was a mistake to go on a Thursday and that Saturday nights are better but we honestly have no intention of returning.

Third on Adult Theater or Glory Holes. Don't need to be outside to get arrested

While the IDEA of dogging may be very exciting, the actual ACT isn't as exciting and can be VERY DANGEROUS. Even the adult theater idea is still rather risky (they still HAVE adult theaters?). By far, the safest bet is a swingers club. Dogging in a swingers club is usually referred to as 'Saturday night'