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Perhaps I'm naive here, but can't you simply tell your doctor, "I have multiple sex partners," and leave out the how, when and how many?

Thank you. It is strange feeling when we meet a new couple, my first question is are they who they say they are, we have met with too eager couples. We both enjoy the swinging experiences unless the people are totally obnoxious but that can be a defense mechanism. You understand that our objective is sex, sex with a newbie. Our initial contacts in the LS was Alan wanting to watch two women and progressed to much more. That first experience had us shaking our head when the guy treated his partner and me very poorly. Instead of souring us we turned our thoughts to trying to make others have positive takeaways. I think we agree if this couple wasn’t sincere on top of being extremely nice, fun, and personable we would have quit by now. I am sure all couples have discussions afterwards, we do. Sitting in a room completely nude you get to see exactly who you are with, emotionally and physically. We find them very attractive, Alan said he was looking forward to completing the acts, he is a guy. Our time was not totally without sex, both husbands were pleased and we suggested that if she didn’t want to continue we can resume at another time if they wanted. She suggested that her husband could go further, it didn’t happen. I believe it will soon.

I (male) told my doc (female) the whole story in the context of a discussion of an ED issue that had begun to surface. Other than the expected cautions on her part, which this group gives to each other on a fairly regular basis about STI's, there were no negative responses. There were some good questions on her part about the whys and how's. How it affected our marriage etc. The conversation lasted over twenty minutes. She ordered a testosterone test. She offered in house STI screening which she said my insurance would cover, offered the strategy that if my wife and I each spaced our physicals 6 months apart that we could effectively have two tests a year. I also walked out with a recommend to a urologist just to make sure there were no other players than age in the ED matter and a script for sildenafil. My advice is if your doc is not understanding, then find another doctor.

cplnluv1, I agree with Fundamental Law. It sounds like you are really going about this in the right way. I wish I could be a fly on the wall in that couple's discussion afterwards :) Some very few couples can just jump in to the deep end of the swinging pool right off. Some take many years. Most are in between. This couple sounds like they are going about it the right way, taking their time, going slowly, not pushing too far past their comfort zones. I'm sure their discussions are going well (regardless of outcome).

You are wonderful mentors and guides. The LS would be a happier place if every mentor-newby relationship looked like this. Blessings to all of you.

I know I’m overthinking this, Alan laughed at me and my conspiracy theories. He said what you are saying and used my own words to convince me to set up a date. She is attractive, smart and real. I already know more about her than any other couple before. He convinced me to set up the date.

When we started seeing each other, we'd been "coffee friends" for a while. We were attracted to each other but she was very unsure about casual sex. We got comfortable sharing about our sex lives early on and when we eventually started fucking, both knew we were also seeing other people. So we had a comfort zone around that already, but it took a few years of exclusivity before I brought up the idea during sex that I'd like to watch her give head. It took a few days for her to bring it up again on her own, that maybe she could be into that, and then a couple years of dancing around it before we moved forward. I do remember a lot of those "would you"/"could you"/"have you" conversations exploring what we might try together. We were going to go to a place like this in Paris that caters to both men and women, her idea, but she also got cold feet.

All power to you, my friend.

Ewww. I thought the post was about swinging with my doctor.

Interestingly, as prelude to a standard annual checkup, one of us yesterday completed a "standard intake form". There was a new question on the form, "Do you wish to be tested for sexually transmitted infections?" There was no judgment implied, and no one particularly bats an eye at whatever tests need to be done. As an aside, in addition to the usual tests screening for lipid abnormalities, cholesterol levels, blood sugar and hemoglobin A1C, colonoscopy needs to repeated. I mention all of this simply to emphasize that conversation about sexual activity and sexual risk is sandwiched between the questions about alcohol use and exercise habits, and with not particular stigma.

Yeah.... hard no. Few doc's have a private practice. Mostly large hospital based large groups. And as a result your information mysteriously gets spread around. HIPA doesn't mean much if you can't trace where the information came from. Around here Drs routinely refuse to treat you with no clear reason given (usually a religious conflict). If we were in need of sti testing we would go to a free clinic far away from home and pay cash.

If you don't feel like you can be open and honest with your doctor, then you are not doing yourself any favors. Just tell them that you occasionally have multiple sexual partners and leave it at that. Even if they notice that your chart says that you are married, most won't ask about it since it doesn't really matter when it comes to your health. If they DO ask, just ask them what difference does that make? If they persist, then they aren't the right doctor for you. Doctors are like finding single guys to swing with...there are thousands that you can choose from.

The couple has to know how fortunate they are to have you as their first experience. Before our first successful meeting we were being fooled by internet vultures and scammers. During the pandemic people are preying on others just looking to get out and try new things. The big testament to you being thoughtful was her friends suggested her approaching you instead of pushing to play with them first. I wonder if one of our friends approached us how I might jump right into it. I laugh because I know which of our friends I would love to think would do this. Making a sexual experience more than a sex event is magical. I only prayed that our first time wouldn’t be with a hardcore sex driven orgy type people. Being undressed in front of anyone can be painful especially in front of a beautiful couple, making it fun by someone skilled in reading peoples feeling is such a talent. As mentioned before, you and Alan are indeed wonderful mentors and guides. Even your dialogue of your experience makes me look forward to your next post.

Before my wife and I had our first experience, we talked about the possibility of having neutral or even bad experiences in swinging. We both agreed that we shouldn't judge it based on one experience, or even a few that were neutral or bad before we found good. We decided to play it by ear and see where we were after two or three experiences. Good thing too. It wasn't until the third experience (a MFM); that one blew my wife's socks off, and she was hooked.

Most Docs will have the same reponse yours did, so honestly that's the one thing neither of us share with our Dr. But we are the strictest lifestyle couple we know in terms of making sure we and our partners are std tested and have paperwork and we conduct that business outside our regular Dr. and use a site/service (stdtest.com) and pay outside our insurance plan for it. Bottom line is we are behaving as responsibly as possible and choose to spare ourselves the usual reprimanding from our Doctors.

Not so far ...

My wife gets her second vaccine next week. We have followed the news avidly, which means we have a touch of PTSD. It may take us a bit of time to get back on the horse.

They are sincere and very nervous, he is more willing but is respectful of her wants. They invited us to their house which is fine for us and I sensed the nervousness immediately. We let her bring up the first mention of sex, she asked general questions about other couples we met. We stayed away from talking about her friend who we were with. She asked how to start, do we just get naked and I suggested she undress Alan then me and we can take it from there. She said to let her husband undress me. We tried to make it fun, again she was very nervous. She undressed Alan leaving his underwear on, her husband undressed me completely and hesitantly touched me. I said it was our turn and she agreed but asked to leave her panties on. She questioned what next, I jokingly answered watch TV. We continued to some soft play, not total play. It was me who suggested we stop, it was already to much for her to absorb. I know she was relieved that we didn’t push going all the way.

This is true. Hooking up is not without certain risks. Vegas is where we go so my wife can pick up men in bars - on her own while I'm off gambling. The swing community has a huge presence in Vegas and I've suggested arranging things in advance but if I did she would kill me. The thrill of the chase is important to her - to be a cougar on the prowl. If I set something up it would be like shooting fish in a barrel for her. We stay in constant contact via phone and I have to trust her instinct and judgement. So far so good.

Thank you. The woman from the gym and her husband are nice people. Some people need time to adjust to what they think they want to do. We never push and let others go at their own speed.

You are a great couple and will make them feel welcome and safe. Linda you are a terrific person.

What I call an interview was fun for me, looking back possibly uncomfortable for her. She came across as educated, health conscious and I would consider attractive making our chat enjoyable. We talked about women talk, and how she is handling changes. Her reason for wanting to enjoy others was much different than ours. We were looking for a woman, I wasn’t interested in adding a man to the equation, it just happened to find that unicorn we ended with a couple. I told her my fear was my husband watching me with a man. She said her husband is fine with that and she is looking forward to the complete experience.

We were all new once. Introspection is hard. Acknowledging fantasies, professing intentions, setting boundaries, those are hard as well. Monogamy insulates and contains, what is inside becomes familiar and safe. Once that insulation becomes porous, weakens, and cracks, those inside are no longer contained...but neither do they enjoy the comforting protection. Your conversation required courage...for both of you.

I agree with the openness of knowing what to expect as it takes away any unwanted play. We like to meet couples where the female is curious, it was the reason we started playing. I like that she assured you that stop is stop and no pressure to do anything you aren’t comfortable with. Now that I’m the experienced one, I will start the play with kissing, not every woman wants kisses, I don’t understand but respect wishes. From there I need to read signals, touching and being touched. Most women we have been with who are still exploring this new sex play never take the lead in touching. Most will follow the lead I show and then the ultimate move. I find the hardest part for a new curious woman is oral yet the all want the oral they may balk on giving. Some just can’t do it, some go very slowly and very few go right to it. Most acts just go forward naturally as you become more comfortable doing it. It will get easier without thinking too much, there isn’t a manual or step by step directions, it should flow with excitement.

Some of the men on this board are very persistent about this fantasy that m/m oral sex is somehow going to be miraculously accepted by traditional, mainstream swinger culture - I think they think the more they bring it up, the more likely it is that it will start to be accepted. But it's not going to be and it never will. Sometimes I wonder if their motivation in coming to this board is more for the swinger aspect or the gay male sex aspect...but I digress. As we've discussed before, there are a variety of reasons why m/m sex doesn't happen in the traditional swingers environment and it doesn't mean that mainstream swingers are homophobic, or hypocritical or judgemental - it's just not part of the scene. Now that said, I'm quite sure that there are events that cater to this desire and I'd imagine there is one near you. But at your local, popular swingers club or regularly occurring house party, it's not the norm.