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If you are not interested and you don’t want to swing, don’t. If playing with women is of no interest to you, don’t. Your husband knew he was marrying a non-swinger. But your upbringing has little to do with it. It is your voluntary interest and choice now.

Daisie, Welcome to the board. You'll get a variety of perspectives and responses. What matters most, though, is how you and your husband navigate your relationship. Your post acknowledges that you knew of his history of non-monogamy. It's worth revisiting--first in your own mind and later with him at the kitchen table--what your expectations were around monogamy after marriage. You also allude to a fantasy of his--seeing you with another woman. Just because it is a fantasy of his does not obligate you in any way to fulfill that fantasy. Swinging is about consensual non-monogamy. If it's not consensual, it doesn't belong. Your last point is far more complicated. Essentially every person who is a swinger was raised in cultural context that defined certain sexual behaviors as acceptable or unacceptable. Swinging--or more inclusively, the lifestyle--requires only that the parties are capable of consenting, and do consent--to whatever activities are mutually agreed upon. No means no, maybe means no, ask me later means no,..., only yes means yes. That puts you in a position of absolute authority to pick and choose what you choose to do. It can be a bit scary. However, it does not require (your words) justification in mind, to oneself, or to anyone else. All that is required is that you acknowledge and articulate your (singular and plural) fantasies, discussion your intentions (or not) on realizing those fantasies, and establish boundaries that you (plural) can and will respect. Once again, that's a fairly scary proposition because of all of the social norms that say this is acceptable behavior, that is not. To be clear, the lifestyle commands respect. However you choose to express yourself as an individual, as a spouse, as a swinger--that yours to own. No one with judge you. No one will have more or less respect for you. Whatever inner judge you have saying that this or that behavior is or is not acceptable--recognize that inner judge for who she is, and what control she can.. and cannot...exert over you. Your "upbringing" ...your word...defines how your parents did (or maybe did not) live. You have a frame of reference from them, and you are surely grateful for it. But realize that the world does not operate in that frame of reference. You and your spouse get to make affirmative decisions about how you choose to live, and what happens inside your marriage is yours (plural) to own and yours (plural) alone. Good luck!

The first question you need to answer is are you interested and willing to consider swinging with your husband? Not "are you willing to do this for him because he wants to" (also known as 'taking one for the team'). Does it interest and excite you? Some (most) people just aren't wired for swinging and if that includes you then nothing either of you can do will change that. If the answer is no, then you are done at this point and need to let him know. As Fundamental Law has already pointed out: in swinging, no means no. If you say no, is he going to drop this idea and not hold it against you? In swinging, if one of you say no, then you BOTH say no (if he can't accept that, then you have much larger problems that need addressing). Swinging is a team sport but every decision must also be unanimous. If the answer is yes, then the next question is do you trust him totally and completely? Is your relationship as strong as it could possibly be? Can you talk with him about anything and everything? If the answer is no, then work towards making your relationship as strong as possible. Successful swingers usually have an abundance of love, trust and communication. Swinging is not something that will fix problems in a relationship, in fact, it will magnify them. However, if you have a great relationship to start with, it will also magnify that as well. Swinging is the sprinkles on the ice cream sundae...if the sprinkles were not there, the sundae would still be great, but with them it makes it just a bit better. Lets start with that and see what your answers are before we continue...

Maybe he was planning on showing up naked...

After texting with a single male to have a bisexual threesome. We agreed to meet for coffee the next morning. All we had were pictures of his body and his dick. When we asked for a face picture, he replied: "it's as good looking as my body and dick." I didn't bother to tell him we wanted to be able to recognize him.

Everything said so far is spot on. I'd like to address this: First it is not just women who face this question. We men can have some pretty straight laced backgrounds and strong religious things to work out also. Second, for us, we are still very much monogamous in the literal sense. ("married to one") with all the loyalty, trust and faithfulness that it implies. We have decided that all of those, especially faithfulness , have nothing to do with what out genitals are doing, as long as we are both truly on board. Consider the loaded terms. "Cleave" literally to stick to, that is be loyal to. It only pertains to sex if you agree it does. "Forsaking all others" ,putting your mate first. Not letting anyone or any thing else take precedence. This includes job, family, personal desires. There is no question as to our marriage coming first. No doubt about everything being on the table. For us the answer was separating sex from the important issues.

I can't improve upon the responses you've gotten so far for the core issue... if you aren't comfortable swinging, say so to your husband and don't do it. To answer the question you asked, I can't speak for "women" but I can share what my wife has told me about her own thoughts on the matter. Firstly, she considers sex to be a physical activity... like hiking or swimming. It is not, in and of itself, a deeply romantic or spiritual act, though it can be in the right context and with the right person (so can hiking and swimming). Secondly, she and I are sexually non-monogamous and were, conceptually at least, even before we knew what swinging was. The idea of monogamy simply doesn't compute for us. Thirdly, and perhaps the largest contributor to our swinging experiences, my wife is something an exhibitionist and I am a voyeur. She knows that I enjoy watching her with others and she enjoys the fact that I enjoy it. For her it's a performance, and she's a performer at heart. She is literally putting on a show for me (and anyone else who is watching) and she gets off on it, and on knowing that I get off on it. Why? Because that's who she is and she's OK, enthusiastically so, with it. However, back to the important point, if it isn't YOU, that is also OK... and that's the whole point. Embrace who you are and what is OK for you. Don't change yourself to be what someone else wants you to be.

I think she will be pleasantly surprised...good luck and have fun!

This is what we've thought, as well. Mrs. E. would be game if she had confidence in her privacy - therefore she isn't - but admires women who are putting it out there enough to do it. However, it really does look like an awful lot of marketing work.

Both Fundamental Law and njbm are right, it your decisions about how you choose to live. If it ok to ask, how long you two been married ? and when he told you about his past and you choose to accepted, it has it ever cross your mind that this day may came and that he might ask you to take part in it. I know you said that he told you he had done everything he had wanted to .. experienced everything he wanted to. but still I would hope that your have though of a plan when that day comes, when he might ask you to try it

I hope you'll tell us how it went!

In the past there have been people who wanted to try or actually tried to start swinging dating sites. The problem is the chicken and the egg...people won't sign up unless you have hundreds (thousands) of other people in their area and you can't get thousands of people if they won't sign up. Same is true with OF: People won't be happy unless you have hundreds of videos when they sign up and if you are just starting you will only have a limited number of videos so they won't be happy if they do sign up. Even if you have hundreds, there will still be too many people who either don't like what you have, or didn't want what you do have and will complain...don't forget the haters either (who hate EVERYTHING). Too much work for too much negative criticism IMHO.

Thank you for sharing an experience. If you read my posts you know that I have been with women who are exploring a new experience. Almost all the women are having sex being watched by both their and my husband, not under the best circumstances to enjoy their own sexuality. I always concentrate on giving pleasure wanting a first experience to be memorable and positive. I’m not a therapist, I do enjoy talking after to the woman knowing it might be a life changing moment. It troubles me when they ask if they did right, did I enjoy, or they look to the husband for his approval. Being alone, no husbands or as I call them Sightseers is a different experience. My advice has always been to enjoy, it’s about them, not me. Be able to verbalize your likes, nobody knows exactly what feels good to you. I also know receiving is much easier for them, giving pleasure to a woman is alien to what has been learned. I normally guide them to places I enjoy being touched, externally and internally. Oral sex is the primary pleasure act even when toys are involved, it’s also the hardest act to start. If you can, you said your head was between her legs was a foreign experience, what went through your thoughts, what did you focus on, did she respond the way you wanted? I understand your want for a man, I enjoy men more as well and enjoy my man, this new part just adds to enjoyment. As I say to other women, don’t do anything because someone wants you to do it, do it because you want to do it. If you enjoyed her and think you will enjoy being with women, I say Enjoy! If you don’t enjoy, stop, I am sure you have tried other things once and never tried again.

A picture of a penis and a message that says Sup isn’t enough to get the women excited about meeting you? I knew when we got into the lifestyle that there were a lot of clueless guys out there, but I could never have imagined that there were so many of them. It makes me feel embarrassed being a man some days.

------------------------------------------------------------------------- You have no ide how true and how funny this is. You've given me just one more example of a point I've made to guys for years that's fallen on deaf ears. They may have difficulty believing how stupid guys on dating sites are, but they have not in the least misjudged them, nor is anything likely to result in guys wising up. When I was on a dating site years ago before meeting Harriet, I was extremely aware of the impression I would make by what I wrote, how well I expressed myself and how negatively affected I would be for a single misspelled word or grammatical error, so I was anal retentive about not only writing, rewriting and editing for flow, but writing something that was interesting enough to read, although it was more like a narrative than a list of "I am," I do," "I want," shit that most guys write (poorly). I got loads of replies when I made contact with women for that reason alone. The really puzzling part of all of this is that no matter how many guys who complained about a lack of interested women and replies they experienced, not one was ever the least bit convinced that what they wrote made any difference at all. I even bet I could get replies without a single photo and when I did, that still didn't convince them. Even with good photos, if the guy isn't stunningly hot, the photos only go so far and he ought to not be so clueless as to not make use of everything else he can to set himself apart from a zillion other generic profiles. I think guys believe that because they don't read profiles, that women don't either and my experience is that women do read profiles and that it matters. Apparently, most people on dating sites think spending a few minutes throwing ut a few disconnected statements about themselves is enough to rake in waves of interested women and that proof reading, editing and rewriting are just too much effort. If there is one thing that any guy on a dating site needs to know (unless he's so drop dead gorgeous that it doesn't matter), it's that women DO note things like poor vocabulary, bad spelling and an inability to write a complete sentence and string several together to say something interesting or at least different enough to pique their curiosity. If someone can't put some time into setting himself apart, then passing on him for writing shit and not bothering to even check what he wrote is his own fault. If someone pays no attention to detail when trying to get someone's attention, what's the likelyhood that person will be any less oblivious with his partners in the bedroom?

We would not tell anyone that other people are in the lifestyle or even nudism without the other people’s express consent. It’s not a matter of helping. It’s about privacy. One of our nude beach buddies (female) was on a bowling team with one of my wife’s co-workers (male). Our buddy let it slip that she hangs out with my wife at the nude beach. She called my wife immediately and apologized profusely. We did believe it was accidental. Everyone survived. The co-worker never said anything to my wife or anyone else as far as we know. I am sure our buddy was mortified and told him to forget she said it.

Sounds ok to me and I am sensitive to conflicts. Only question is if you do not go on to play or it’s a one and done situation, do you mind seeing them at the gym? If so, is there a swinger couple you can fix them up with? I am alarmed that a previous couple outed you to this woman. That is a problem. Most swingers would never do that.