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Sorry, this isn't the LifeStyle, this is dysfunction. I'm sorry about the situation, but the LifeStyle is based on respect for primary partners and great communication.

Who is your living arrangement benefiting if you have no feelings for him? Surely not the kids if you have some! Kids are never better off being in a dysfunctional situation. It sounds like you two have more to loss then gain by living this way. Divorce is not the end of the world. It is chance for new beginnings for both of you.

Everything said so far is spot on. I'd like to address this: First it is not just women who face this question. We men can have some pretty straight laced backgrounds and strong religious things to work out also. Second, for us, we are still very much monogamous in the literal sense. ("married to one") with all the loyalty, trust and faithfulness that it implies. We have decided that all of those, especially faithfulness , have nothing to do with what out genitals are doing, as long as we are both truly on board. Consider the loaded terms. "Cleave" literally to stick to, that is be loyal to. It only pertains to sex if you agree it does. "Forsaking all others" ,putting your mate first. Not letting anyone or any thing else take precedence. This includes job, family, personal desires. There is no question as to our marriage coming first. No doubt about everything being on the table. For us the answer was separating sex from the important issues.

What he is doing has nothing to do with your previous swinging or you wanting to spend time with another guy (and this would be true of ANY guy, even one you just met) or your current situation. This is about BLAME. Now it's YOUR fault that the relationship imploded, not his drinking. He's now the good guy and you are the bad one. Start knowing this and everything else should be easier to understand. While divorce is usually looked at as an end, it is also a new beginning. The kids already know that things are not right, just ask them. Sometimes the best fix for something is a new start. Good luck

To expand on what Lion said: We have combined the concept that sex and love are the same thing, they are not. Love is emotional, sex is physical. You do not need to love someone to have sex with them and you do not have to have sex with someone in order to love them. The first step is to be able to separate the two.

This I have to respectfully disagree with. Different couples have different rules. For some, playing together is an absolute requirement. For others, separate play is acceptable and can be done successfully. Even having an emotional connection with a play partner is not necessarily a recipe for disaster, depending on the rules and the couples involved. As long as there is open, honest communication, respect and a shared understanding of what the rules and expectations are (and those are, of course, followed), such things can and do work for those couples they work for. In the original posters case, I will agree that is hasn't gone well but it strikes me that is because their communication broke down and their rules changed, in an unspoken way.

I can't improve upon the responses you've gotten so far for the core issue... if you aren't comfortable swinging, say so to your husband and don't do it. To answer the question you asked, I can't speak for "women" but I can share what my wife has told me about her own thoughts on the matter. Firstly, she considers sex to be a physical activity... like hiking or swimming. It is not, in and of itself, a deeply romantic or spiritual act, though it can be in the right context and with the right person (so can hiking and swimming). Secondly, she and I are sexually non-monogamous and were, conceptually at least, even before we knew what swinging was. The idea of monogamy simply doesn't compute for us. Thirdly, and perhaps the largest contributor to our swinging experiences, my wife is something an exhibitionist and I am a voyeur. She knows that I enjoy watching her with others and she enjoys the fact that I enjoy it. For her it's a performance, and she's a performer at heart. She is literally putting on a show for me (and anyone else who is watching) and she gets off on it, and on knowing that I get off on it. Why? Because that's who she is and she's OK, enthusiastically so, with it. However, back to the important point, if it isn't YOU, that is also OK... and that's the whole point. Embrace who you are and what is OK for you. Don't change yourself to be what someone else wants you to be.

If you are not interested and you don’t want to swing, don’t. If playing with women is of no interest to you, don’t. Your husband knew he was marrying a non-swinger. But your upbringing has little to do with it. It is your voluntary interest and choice now.

Yep, all shapes and sizes can show up on any given night at a club. But also some clubs have dedicated nights for it which can be a more welcoming environment.

Somehow, I've got to think it's a little bit more complicated than that . . .

We did have an incident where my condom disappeared in my female swing partner. We spelunked for it for a bit. She texted us when she found it at home. She was a good sport about it, I was embarrassed. I got better at grabbing the base of condom before shrinkage at pulling out time.

My new friend told me they met with the friends who told her to talk to me. Two couples, friends for years, new to swinging, swinging together for the first time. She asked me to join them for a little party. We aren’t big on parties, we have better times with being with a single couple, and will see if we will join them. Both couples are fun, the new couple I enjoy talking to her at the gym, I don’t want something to go wrong. I stated before we don’t normally move to relationships with people we meet.

Absolutely this. Right before everything shut down, we had a busy travel schedule together for the winter. I'd been in touch on-and-off with a married woman in a committed relationship who wanted to have an encounter, and while we were on our way home, finally made it work with her to meet up solo at an airport hotel. She's a submissive with a breeding kink who likes to be physically dominated, and it overlapped with her husband's lack of interest in dominating her as a cuckold kink. All of those things interplay to create their personal "thing", I couldn't help her with all of that, because unprotected play is explicitly not our thing, but we found a compromise that worked. Is her husband a "true" or "classic" cuckold? I don't know, but it's a different dynamic from him being a dominant, a more useful way of explaining it so that I understood what was going on and could make sure they got what they were looking for, as opposed to what I might assume they're looking for.

Further to my post... This role/dynamic as a cuckold can be something a swinging couple simply tries out. They could be a full-swap, swinging couple and decide - I want to experience what some degradation, humiliation and denial feels like. It can be just another type of play a couple has in their sexy toy box. No different than let's try some D/s, or BD, or stag/vixen, bisexual, role play, or group play. It's not necessarily the only role and only dynamic in their swinging play.

I think the key takeaway in swinging is that "cuckold" usually implies enjoying a submissive role to the wife's libido, and possibly being humiliated in favor of the bull. This is different from the old customary meaning, which, like Numex says, is maybe more properly a 'wittol' kink. The boundaries are loosely defined, but this is a pretty important distinction from stag/vixen, hotwifing, etc., in that misunderstanding the expectations if they were all lumped together could lead to some bad communications and bad experiences.

First let's agree that the non monogamy is consensual - the woman is not cheating on her husband. They are both in agreement to her extramarital playtime. This makes them swingers as they are both participating in sexual play outside of their relationship (his participation is just passive). (Some will argue it's not swinging as he is not having sex but it is certainly 'lifestyle'.) And, in this setting an additional kink is layered on top. He typically wants to be diminished and or humiliated in some way - by her, her lovers, or both. This is his turn-on. He likes to be made to feel small. He could be teased about his manhood, his ability to satisfy his wife, his ability to get hard or the size of his cock. He might be caged and prevented from masturbating or getting any release until she allows it. He may or may not be present for play. He might be restrained or made to wear women's clothing. He may be "forced" to watch, make her lover hard or even clean up his mess... The cuckoldress may be turned on by treating her husband/partner this way as well. Most of these actions are not present in a "hot wife" scenario where the woman may play alone as well. There is also a "cuckold queen" dynamic where the above dynamic is reversed.

I'm a wittol.

Daisie, Welcome to the board. You'll get a variety of perspectives and responses. What matters most, though, is how you and your husband navigate your relationship. Your post acknowledges that you knew of his history of non-monogamy. It's worth revisiting--first in your own mind and later with him at the kitchen table--what your expectations were around monogamy after marriage. You also allude to a fantasy of his--seeing you with another woman. Just because it is a fantasy of his does not obligate you in any way to fulfill that fantasy. Swinging is about consensual non-monogamy. If it's not consensual, it doesn't belong. Your last point is far more complicated. Essentially every person who is a swinger was raised in cultural context that defined certain sexual behaviors as acceptable or unacceptable. Swinging--or more inclusively, the lifestyle--requires only that the parties are capable of consenting, and do consent--to whatever activities are mutually agreed upon. No means no, maybe means no, ask me later means no,..., only yes means yes. That puts you in a position of absolute authority to pick and choose what you choose to do. It can be a bit scary. However, it does not require (your words) justification in mind, to oneself, or to anyone else. All that is required is that you acknowledge and articulate your (singular and plural) fantasies, discussion your intentions (or not) on realizing those fantasies, and establish boundaries that you (plural) can and will respect. Once again, that's a fairly scary proposition because of all of the social norms that say this is acceptable behavior, that is not. To be clear, the lifestyle commands respect. However you choose to express yourself as an individual, as a spouse, as a swinger--that yours to own. No one with judge you. No one will have more or less respect for you. Whatever inner judge you have saying that this or that behavior is or is not acceptable--recognize that inner judge for who she is, and what control she can.. and cannot...exert over you. Your "upbringing" ...your word...defines how your parents did (or maybe did not) live. You have a frame of reference from them, and you are surely grateful for it. But realize that the world does not operate in that frame of reference. You and your spouse get to make affirmative decisions about how you choose to live, and what happens inside your marriage is yours (plural) to own and yours (plural) alone. Good luck!

The definition and usage of words often shift over time. The old definition of cuckold is different than it's usage in the lifestyle today.

We get bored if the festivities go on too long. Sorry, but true. Not timing it, but if a one on one encounter goes more than an hour, we start to wonder how the Yankees are doing. If there is more than one couple involved, such as a house party situation, we can play longer. More to do. We will go with the flow if everyone is having fun.

We stay current with our STD panel, provide paperwork upon meeting and expect the same from those we play with. Once all the boxes are checked guys have our full blessing to cum inside my wife.

We found that there are few actual swingers on SLS in our age group (60) in our area. We have met many of them, had some fun encounters and made some friends. But after several years, we realize most of the profiles are from couples who have no intent to play. Or they have interests that do not align with ours. My “favorite” is when the other husband wants to play with my wife, but his wife doesn’t want to play with our husband (me). No thanks! Pre-pandemic, we had more success on lifestyle cruises. 90% of the cruisers are there to play. We went to both Desires and Hedo, mostly awkward misfires, but one good experience. Not the easiest hobby, but when it connects, it’s fun.

My experience has been women with some weight are often the most enthusiastic about sex. Sexy is between the ears.

I like tasting a cock. Took a long time and many visits to our club before I felt comfortable. I love to clean a cock after it has his and her cum all over. I also love to suck a hard cock until it delivers that sexy creme. I guess you would say I am bi. I puzzle over that, since I love playing with women more. In a lifestyle party, anything goes.

My first experience was with a couple. She was in a 69 with me and I realized they were both sharing my cock. She climbed off of me so that I could enjoy the view and boy was it hot. She was pretending to be forcing him to service me and he was loving it too. She would look at me and tell me ,"I want you to shoot it in his mouth." He would pull off and she would tell him to , "Suck that big hard cock." I could not hold out any longer and I told them so. She had me stand up and then she made him get on his knees in front of me and service my cock until he milked it all over his open mouth and she licked my cum off his face and the end of my cock. For many months afterward I would find myself jacking off and thinking about that night and wishing I had sucked his cock too. Now I find myself fantasizing about sucking cock and it is the object of many of my jack off thoughts. I would love to have a girlfriend that makes me suck cock and my biggest fantasy is for her and I to spend the night at a motel and have guys come to our room for her and I to get on our knees and service as many as we can the whole night. I have many other fantasies too but that is one hot thought.

I also agree - when I was younger I thought that sucking cock was "gay"... even though I knew I was not as I always loved (and still do) being with women (more to the point couples - I have been doing threesomes for years). Anyway I first got with a couple where the husband was bi and he went down on me - I wasn't sure what to make of it. But later that evening the opportunity to suck his cock presented itself and I went for it. The feel and taste of his rock hard cock really got me turned on, so much that when he eventually came in my mouth it was really hot. However, afterward I did have some second thoughts about it and all the way home I kept wondering if I had done the right thing - a few weeks later while masturbating I found myself reliving the threesome and more and more the cock sucking. Been doing it for years now and love it more and more each time. I wish there were more couples into it - any out there please let me know!

It is just bad programming by others that tells us it's not ok or pleasurable. If sex is recreational, not procreational, THEN THE GENDERS OF THE PARTICIPANTS ARE IRRELEVANT. That is my philosophy. It too me over 40 years to undo my programming. I used to think it was disgusting and had a lot of issues with it. Now I think it's wonderful in the right setting. I am not interested in just men alone I need there to be at least another male female couple who are both into it.

I have a wonderful breakfast casserole that I make for Christmas morning. It is great because you can make it the day before and just throw it in the oven. It has scrambled eggs, cheese sauce and sausage....and I have also made it with bacon and ham. Be happy to share the recipe if anyone wants it.

lol have to get me some of these.... Read a story one time, there were three or four couples that would go to the bars together...they all got mini vibes or balls or whatever. They played roulette with the remotes so all the hubbies got another lady's remote to play with for the night...sounds like fun.

I am a newby too but my first advise would be if you proceed at this point to do it together! Share the wonderful experience! You will know at some point later if it is time to play separately.

This is actually the reason I hesitated getting into the ls. I am also a bbw and could not imagine someone actually wanting me. Thanksfully some do and so far it has been wonderful~! Wish I had of started this years ago!!!!!! You go girl and have fun!

can't say enough about how much I love them.....we had a met and greet a week ago with a couple that lives about an hour away. Had a nice dinner and agreed to a play date. They sexted with us all the way home! and all the next week until our date it was great......no pics just messages and they really don't even have to be x rated for u to just know at least they are eagerly awaiting.......and thinking about you too!

Look, I love sex and I love sex with multiple guys. That said, sex with a number of total strangers is not a safe activity for a number of reasons. I'm not trying to cast a downer on your plan, but don't let an exciting fantasy overcome (no pun intended) good judgement.

Um let me see......book a weekend at the casino or something of your choosing.......have drinks or meet and greets throughout the day with several guys. get their cell numbers and for those that pass the test, you could txt them later, with "gang bang at 11:00" lol sounds like a plan. Oh and btw (couple here) we are close to a casino can we play too!