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Blame is irrelevant. What is important is how you both address the need to move forward from where you are.

My now husband and I were young, 20 and 21, when we had our first LS experience. I am not even sure it was called swinging or "lifestyle" then. I was brought up in a family that never talked about sex, or anything else for that matter. But as my husband explains it, I guess I always had this sweet, naïve, demur, but unknowingly smoldering sensuality about me. Who knew? He was and is a man that no matter who he is around or where he is, exudes confidence and sexuality, even if he is not hottest guy in the room. It really is something super attractive about him. When we first met each other it was something; time stood still and the most riveting and gripping feeling came over both of us. We began to date and a couple years into the relationship, our bedroom talk turned into us telling our fantasies to each other, then followed by really good sex. It was our foreplay. I had started working at a adult lingerie/toy store and my boss, his wife, and most of the staff were very open about sex and their relationships. It was a daily topic of conversation and after some time, the conversation and questions turned to me. I had no idea what to say, share, or lie about. It was kind of awkwardly embarrassing. After awhile I was became more comfortable at work, with the customers, and the very forward conversations we had. I really liked my job, my boss, and his wife. They had conversations with me that my own mom or girlfriends never did and it was freeing. One night we were doing inventory and my bosses wife asked me if I had ever had a threesome with my boyfriend and another guy. Of course I hadn't. In fact, I thought a 3some was really only what a guy wanted, a man and two girls. It seemed to be what every porno in our store was about. I told her no. She told me that her and her husband did it all the time with his business partner and other friends. She admitted that they also had sex with other woman. She went into detail about sexual encounters and for the first time I realized that a MFM 3some was a thing and sounded extremely exciting. It was something that I started to fantasize about regularly. A few weeks later while I was having sex with my BF, I asked him if he really wanted to have a 3some. I know he thought it was a trap, but I told him I wanted to. He asked me if there was a girl I had in mind and I said not really. Then I told asked him if we did it with another girl, what did he think about us and another guy. I was scared to death to ask, but not surprisingly, he just asked if that was something I fantasized about and if I had any guys in mind. I said I had thought about it, but not about anyone in particular. He smiled and said, "I am ok with that as long as you are willing to have a 3some with another girl." I smiled back at him Sex that night was like nothing ever before as we talked about how another person joining us would be and finally who it might be with. I had a few people in mind: one was a friend from high school that I had a crush before I met my BF. C and my man were good friends in high school and after. The other was another high school friend of ours that I hooked up with at a party before we got together. Me and D did not have sex, but we certainly were on our way to it before we were walked in on and the mood dampened and passed, or maybe I quickly sobered up. The last was our current roommate, T. He was my BFs best friend and we became close friends as well. He seemed fine with any of them but asked me to pick the one I really wanted to do it with. The following weekend we were together and I told him to guess who I decided on. He first said C, nope. He then picked D, nope. That only left T, and he asked me why him. True, T was not nearly as good looking as the other two and was very introverted. I told my BF that first, he lived with us so it made sense, but also I really like T. We had became closer over the last month as we talked and flirted all the time. T was more outgoing with me and us, super smart, an athlete, and I know he liked me. I would always catch him looking at me when I was sunbathing. He had actually even caught me coming out of the shower as he two of them were playing video games in our room. I didn't dash for cover, but just calmly walked by to get my clothes off the bed and got dressed. He tried not to stare but he couldn't keep his eyes off me while my BF just glanced and smiled. There was just something I found attractive about T that others might not see in him. My BF said he would not have guessed that was who I would have picked but was very ok with it. He did say that I was going to make Ts decade as he knew he hadn't had sex in over a year and a half since his last girlfriend. I probed for more info about T and whether he thought he would be UP for it or not. He said, "of course he will, what guy wouldn't." I asked him how he was going to bring it up to him and when. He said he would ask him this coming Friday. With Friday only two days away I got really excited about the proposition of having sex with my man and another guy, but also I was super nervous. I had to work Friday until close and my boss was there with me. About an hour before we were closing I got a call from my BF and he said he told T that I wanted to have a 3some with them and T didn't believe it. I asked him what he was going to do and he said I was going to have to tell him directly. So I said, "you mean just tell him that I want you and him to fuck me?" That seemed crass, and I obviously said it aloud enough that my boss heard it. What I also didn't know was that T was on the other end of the line listening into our conversation. I told my BF I would be home at 9:30pm or so and then we hung up as a customer came to my counter. After the customer left my boss said, "so you want to have a 3some, huh?" I was got off guard but said, "you heard that?" I had to be completely flushed from embarrassment, but I sheepishly admitted yes. We began to talk about it and he asked me if me and my BF had any rules. I was like what rules? So he began to ask me a series of questions about what we were both ok with doing. I said we had not talked about that and I didn't know we needed to. We were just going to have sex. So he asked me if I was ok with kissing, giving and receiving oral sex, intercourse, and anal. Anal was a no go, not even with my BF. But what I realized was that we had not talked about any of it, I think we both expected to do what we do. I don't think we knew to ask each other these questions, or that some people really didn't allow their mates to kiss other people. I knew I would not allow a guy to have anal intercourse with me, so it made sense that others had different hang-ups. How would I bring this up and when? He then asked me if the other guy had to wear a condom, and if not, would I allow him to cum in me, but more importantly, what did my BF think about that. To my surprise I answered him pretty boldly: I am ok with kissing, receiving and giving oral sex (which I really like), and intercourse without a condom as I was on the pill. Pretty much whatever, but again no anal. He asked what I thought my BF would say. I honestly thought he probably would be ok with anything, but I really didn't know. My boss said," sounds like you are going to have a good night, so why don't you take off early and do just that. Plus it sounds like you better have a talk with your BF beforehand." As I drove home, I was no longer focused on the sex, but more about how do I bring this all up without killing the mood. As I got home and inside, T greeted me at the door and gave me a quick kiss and a drink, and said he was glad to see me as he went to the other end of the house to get something. My BF was in the kitchen making more drinks. I went in and gave him a big hug and a kiss. I was already getting excited and then I whispered to him that I needed to talk to him real quick. I asked him the same questions my boss asked me and he agreed with me on what we were willing to do. I figured that would be the case, but then he said, "what if we get started and either of us want to stop?" I hadn't thought about that. The actual act could always be different then the fantasy. I said if this was anyone else we should have a code word to stop, but stopping abruptly with T could hurt our friends feelings and we put him in this spot and that was not fare to him. I then asked, "what if no matter what, we agree to do it all the way this once, and then after, either of us can just get up and get dressed to signal that was enough and end the evening. He agreed that was the best idea as did not want to make his friend feel bad, and that somehow it was him that made us stop. Now, I had to tell T I wanted to have sex with him and if he was ok with that. What I didn't know, and only found out after the night ended, was that T already heard me on the phone earlier and knew I was going to ask him. When T came back into the family room we sat on the couch and had our drinks and some light conversation. I then out of the blue told him I wanted to have a 3some with him and my BF and asked him if he wanted to. He asked if I was joking and then said, "of course!" Just then my BF turned the lights down lower and came over and joined us on the couch. I was sitting in-between them when T looked at me and told me I looked extremely hot in my mini-skirt and thigh high socks. He was right, I looked good and was all of a sudden so completely Horney that I started kissing him. My BF started to run his hands under my skirt and up my thigh. Surprise, no panties! I immediately opened my legs farther apart so he could really finger me, and then began rubbing their cocks on the outside of their pants. Right then and there I knew I wanted to fuck them both so badly and I only hoped my BF was having as much fun as I was. I then turned to him and started kissing him and put my hands under Ts shorts and stroked his hard cock while also doing the same to my boyfriend. As soon as I did that, T ran his hand up my thigh and as he got closer and closer to (?), I got hotter and hotter. Just as T started playing with my pussy, putting one, then two fingers in me, I let out a big moan of pleasure. My BF got up and took of his shorts, I then turned back to T and pulled his cock out and began to suck on it like it was my favorite flavored lollipop. He was so hard and surprisingly big, but really thick. My BF has a huge dick, but not quite as thick as Ts. I was really enjoying going down on him, and then just like that, my BF flipped my skirt up and starting fucking me from behind. I am usually a on my back, legs behind my head girl or cowgirl, but sucking another man's cock and having my BF take me from behind made me explode with an orgasm of unparalleled proportion. This seemed to go on and on until my man told me he wanted me to get on top of him and ride him as hard as I could. The talk and tone was different; direct with a little bit of begging. I started to ride him and then T stood beside us and put his cock in my mouth. I sucked it while I fucked my BF and then T quietly shouted he was going to cum. I looked at my BF and his eyes said go ahead and enjoy, then T grabbed the back of my head and pulled me in, shoving him deeper into my mouth, and let loose a massive load like I have never had. I love to give blowjobs and definitely love to swallow, but this was like drinking a sweet and salty vanilla shake. T kept cumming and I drank it in for what seemed like minutes until he pulled out and finished all over my lips and face. I didn't waste a drop and then turned my attention to my BF. I bounced up and down on him until he came inside me with a large load himself. I got off him and we all laid sat on the couch with me in the middle, each of us slightly out of breathe and smiling at each other. I put my hand on my BFs hand and turned towards T and said, "well I am guessing you both thought that was as amazing as I did?" T smiled at me as he got up and asked us who wanted water, and then as he was walking to the kitchen, he looked back and said, "amazing does even start to describe it. That was the best sex I have ever had, not even close to anything before! You were f'ing incredible," looking directly at me. My BF always complimented me, but having another man say that felt so good. Then my babe told me how turned on he was by seeing me enjoy myself with the both of them. He then leaned in and whispered he loved me, nibbled on my neck, then told me just how much he enjoyed himself. He then said, "how about you? It didn't look like you had any fun at all," all with a devilish smile. We all sat there re-hydrating for a bit and then I got up and went to the bedroom bath to freshen up. I laid on the bed and began to replay what just happened. As I played it back like a slow motion movie, I began to masturbate. I must have lost track of time, because I looked up at the doorway and both of them were watching me. I said, "who is up for round 2 ?" Yep, our first time….INCREDIBLY HOT AND AMAZING!!

The kids are gone, you don't and haven't loved each other in years...it's time to start something new. My divorce was the most frightening thing I have undertaken...and the best thing I have ever done. I'm in a loving relationship with a great woman...it was worth the price I paid.

Lovely! ? But I think you meant to post this in the "Stories" section. ?

That depends a lot on how you do soft swap. That can be anywhere from watching other people to having a face full and a mouthful of their body fluids. I don't think juices in the eye or any safer than juices anywhere else.

If you use condoms I would think they are reasonable close to the same levels of risk. I think the risks in soft swap are quite low, but maybe not as low as some think they are. And the risks of full swap are a little higher that I would think

We are 60/65. Kids know our marriage imploded years ago. He’s clean and sober for 4 year, ptl. But yes I am to blame for this situation.

We had an amazing run in the lifestyle for years. We had regular house/pool parties. Went to Hedo. Had an orgy on the 19th green New Year’s Eve. So yes I understand the lifestyle. And I do know my situation is dysfunctional. I had to explain our freedom in the lifestyle as a background for my story.

Our rules were different than yours, we were a part of a large group of people that regularly had house party, Taladega, Hedo., this was for years, no we didn’t call it cheating.

We are 60/65. Our kids and grand live across the street. Our kids are grown and they know I have not loved him in years.

They have events for BBW ( big, beautiful women). However, the OP’s wife may not technically qualify. She may just be self-conscious.

Yep, all shapes and sizes can show up on any given night at a club. But also some clubs have dedicated nights for it which can be a more welcoming environment.

This I have to respectfully disagree with. Different couples have different rules. For some, playing together is an absolute requirement. For others, separate play is acceptable and can be done successfully. Even having an emotional connection with a play partner is not necessarily a recipe for disaster, depending on the rules and the couples involved. As long as there is open, honest communication, respect and a shared understanding of what the rules and expectations are (and those are, of course, followed), such things can and do work for those couples they work for. In the original posters case, I will agree that is hasn't gone well but it strikes me that is because their communication broke down and their rules changed, in an unspoken way.

Your relationship changed. It seems obvious, from an outsiders perspective, that of course the rules changed with it. Your old relationship with your husband is over and, it sounds like, has been so some time. You need to figure out how this new relationship is going to work, if it's going to work at all, in terms of non-monogamy (and everything else). The only way that can happen is open, honest communication between the two of you which will probably be very challenging and might well not end the way you want it to... but you have to have those conversations. You have figure out what your relationship will be going forward, whether it's a non-monogamous marriage, a monogamous one or it really does end in a divorce. The only way forward is to talk it through. Best good fortune to you.

IMO, and I've said it here before, "playing solo" is cheating. And clearly, by your own admission, you had an emotional connection with "a particular lover." No sure how you didn't realize that this was a recipe for disaster. To me, swinging/LS activity is sexual exploration that always done together, as a couple -- and if it's not done together, it's something else. Yes, I agree with @adamgunn - this isn't lifestyle, this is dysfunction. ?

Sorry, this isn't the LifeStyle, this is dysfunction. I'm sorry about the situation, but the LifeStyle is based on respect for primary partners and great communication.

I think she will be pleasantly surprised...good luck and have fun!

I hope you'll tell us how it went!

You aren’t dense, you know what the difference is between sex with a man and sex with a woman. You enjoy sex with multi people, I enjoy being alone with one person. Sex with a man is very natural to me, something I have done my entire adult life. I know how to touch a man, I know what the men I have been with enjoy. I am still very new to pleasing another woman. It should come natural, I know what pleases me and try to replicate the things I respond to. I missed a man, a penis specifically. I know how to please a penis, how to touch a penis, how to orally caress a penis. I enjoy having a penis in me. Swapping has allowed me to enjoy the differences I had not enjoyed since marriage. I think most on here enjoy the newness of being with a different partner. The different touching, different scent, different taste and the different motions. My head between the legs of a woman is a foreign experience. I was looking at a body part differently than I ever did before. Differently than I ever saw my own. I saw this one before from this angle, just not the same way as this time, alone with her and not being watched. You would think you would know what to do distinctively.

My wife is a BIG girl and on our first night we went we too were a bit apprehensive. It turned out that she was rather popular amongst the men. Most of who had hour glass wives.