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We actually DON'T AGREE with some of the things said above. Sure, mistakes were made, but to just dismiss them as mistakes is another mistake. You have already pointed out what the mistakes were, but they need to be returned to. Let your partner know that you are sorry for breaking the rules and that you won't ever do it again (and stick to that). You should never change the rules when you are in a sexual situation. If you find that a rule no longer applies or that you are ready to set it aside, it should be done outside of a sexual situation and only if you both agree on the change. You should also make sure by checking in with him...and this can just be something as simple as a look and a nod, and make sure that he is okay with everything that is happening...even if you are veteran swingers and have been with 100s of couples. Always check in with your partner. If either of you are having a problem, be it emotional or physical, call a time out and take a break to find out what is happening. You are a team and should always play as a team. As for the ED, and this has already been pointed out several times, this is entirely normal...but that isn't going to help him knowing that. All he knows is that he was having problems and he doesn't understand why. Dwelling on the problem is only going to make it worse for him. I'm SURE that he is embarrassed and confused about this happening, but sometimes...especially when you are just starting out, it will happen. Luckily there is a pill for this, but you need to work with him so he knows in the future if it happens again (and it may) that you are there to help and support him and if he can't perform, you need to take a break or maybe even postpone things until the next time. Most all couples will understand this. Really! Biggest thing here is you need to reestablish the trust you two have and he needs to know that everything was okay and that you love him completely and won't ever break the rules again.

I can't speak to whether playing alone first is common or not. Though, I doubt it is. For my wife and I, we played together for some time before solo dates began happening. I think that what underpins this is the strength of your relationship. If you're 100% open with each other, have a deeply close love for each other and are very much interested in the happiness of each other, this could work well. That said, even though I have that in spades with my wife, the first time she went on a solo date I was a jittery mess. I was absolutely nervous as hell the entire evening. Most people note that swinging is a shared experience. Some couples refuse to do solo dates for this very reason. But, solo dates can work. For us, the "reclaiming sex" when she comes home is rather intense, as we make love while she tells me what she did with the other man. I would suggest that if your wife isn't willing to be completely open with her experiences having sex with another man (and you can discuss this beforehand), then the two of you might not be ready for it yet. I know some people would find it very hard to accept their spouse having sex with someone else, have their spouse come home, and then be left in the dark about what happened. I wouldn't accept it. Swinging IS a shared experience, and if I can't relish in the telling the events of her evening I would feel distinctly left out. That way leads to damage to the relationship. Either you're open, or you're not. If you're not, swinging is a recipe for disaster. Nowadays, my wife going on a solo date is not unusual. She has had a couple of regular boyfriends over the years, and going out with them was hardly unusual. She'd always share with me where she was going to be, and share the details when she got home. It works well for us. Part of it is that through these years we've had a couple of kids at home (they're almost at the point of leaving now), and the reality is that getting time for both of us to get away has often been difficult to do. My wife also enjoys playing solo for the same reason your wife seems to have; it is a different experience to be able to focus solely on the guy than to have some of her focus diverted to me.

Try a swinger club! There are a few good ones in Vegas, probably more in the Bay Area, assuming you are in Lake Tahoe. Or establish a profile on one of the date sites listed at the top of the page in blue.

If pay-for-play sex is what your after, and assuming you are located stateside, your best bet is to take a trip to Nevada and head out to one of the ten counties outside of Las Vegas where prostitution is legal and (somewhat) regulated. It will be pricey, but your experience is less likely to be a total disaster. Otherwise, wait for the pandemic to subside and book a flight to Amsterdam, where prostitution is legal, well-regulated and considered to be just another way to make a living. The prostitutes even have a workers union. Amsterdam has an entire district in the city devoted to the sex trade and you can find whatever it is you are longing for, from the tame to as wild as you want to get. It's comparatively safe as the police are never far away. Most of the crime is small time petty stuff, like pickpockets, etc. Violence is uncommon, but is not unheard of. Otherwise, you're playing with fire. Aside from those ten counties in Nevada, prostitution is illegal in every other county in every other state. Prostitution is almost entirely run by organized crime, either small scale pimps or syndicated crime organizations (i.e., mafia, drug gangs, biker gangs, etc.) Most call girls are drug users of some kind and hook to support their habits and/or the habits of their pimps. And many wouldn't have any qualms about slipping you a roofie and making off making off with whatever they can steal. Prostitution is a dirty, illegal business and there is nothing "safe" about it.

...I don't even know where to start with this one. Anyone else?

I think you know the answer. But, if you don't... She has been lying to you for a long, long time. In fact, it appears she's been lying to you from the beginning. She's been stabbing you in the back, and hard, all along. Maybe she does love you. So what? 30 years from now, are you going to be happy with the idea you stayed with a woman who is a chronic liar just because she is great in bed, makes dinner for you, and cleans for you? From my chair, this woman has absolutely no respect for you at all. You are a doormat, and a willing one at that...and all the more reason why she would disrespect you. Your marriage is on the rocks. It's not just slipping near a rocky shore, with only a minor course correction needed. Your marriage is _hard_ on the rocks. Swinging is based in honesty, openness, trust, communication, and love. You might have the latter of those, but none of the others. Swinging isn't something you do to fix your marriage. I guarantee you that introducing swinging into this marriage will do nothing but cause more harm. As is said here many times, swinging magnifies what it finds. In your case, what it will find is a deeply troubled marriage that needs serious help. This will only be magnified, and the problems will be worse. This idea that you can't look at her laptop or phone is just childish. Absolutely childish. No spouse should ever feel they are in a position where if they look at their spouse's phone, they are going to be in trouble. My wife has access to everything, as I do with her. It's an afterthought. It wasn't some moment where we agreed to do that. It was just normal. I rarely look at my wife's phone. Sometimes I do because I hear something come in and she's distracted, or occupied. So, I'm doing it to help her. Same goes for her. There's no distrust. Everything is 100% open. We share each other's deepest thoughts, and are deeply intertwined in each other. You have a "us vs. them" marriage, with clearly divided camps. Your marriage is failing. Swinging won't fix it. Get help. I'm not saying this to insult you in any respect. I'm saying it to help you. Your marriage needs help. Get it.

First let me say "Each person has his or her own standard for attraction and this is fine". But since you asked for a personal opinion here's mine. I'm only attracted to HWP women and the SO feels the same way regarding men. If we're not physically attracted it doesn't matter how much personality one has, its just not going to happen sexually. I know this sounds shallow but we've been on both sides of the fence and prefer HWP individuals. Sweet