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Industrial cleaner and Astro glide in an ashtray. If there is a hot tub, add a hint of chlorine.

My GF loves both spanking and choking. I am fine doing some spanking on her but choking is just not my thing. If you don't lay down the rules beforehand then some guys will try to push things and that is usually ok (in my opinion) as they are trying to learn and figure out what you like. What is not ok is when a guy tries to push the limits and the woman tells him no or signals no. That is not ok and that is a person who you should stop and not engage with again. And yes I think a lot of the younger guys see this in porn and that's where they learn it. Porn is definitely more rough sex with humiliation and domination nowadays. My friends are young and I see the kind of porn they watch and how they prefer to fuck and there is a correlation. Fortunately my GF enjoys the rough stuff so it ends up working out for everyone but I was never into the rough porn and am not a rough lover.

Topic drift... My wife really enjoys spanking and light impact play generally. She describes it as "thuddy" and like a deep, intense massage. One of my play partners enjoyed choking. She believed it was because when she was young and learning about sex, one of her partners inadvertently pinned cord around her neck shortly before orgasm, and she found the loss of air added to the intensity of experience. Of course, she also enjoyed all manner of rough play, some of which I was ok with and some of which was beyond my comfort zone. We actually had a very long online chat discussion about likes, dislikes, and soft and hard limits... "So, when you say you like being slapped, what does that mean?" ... hell of a discussion but very, very valuable. It's always the quiet ones. Actually, speaking as a quiet guy with an outgoing wife and a kinky side, there is probably some truth behind that joke. We can hide a lot behind that quiet face and, more, when we let go and open up sometimes it's too far and too fast. Not excusing what he did by any means, just saying... us quiet guys are sometimes hiding things, sometimes even from ourselves.

From the beginning of my adventure into nonmonogamy, my husband was clear that he wasn't keeping score and that things didn't have to be even - he let me have a boyfriend for two years, my ex-fiancé, until I was comfortable with him being with other women. He taught me generosity and unselfishness in sexual matters, something I have learned and paid him back, all the while taking satisfaction in his pleasure. So don't worry about any single time being even, just give him as much opportunity as you can.

Choking seems dangerous. I couldn’t do it even if it was requested. Slapping an ass seems somewhat popular. Again, not my thing. We have seen some shockingly hard ass slapping at house parties. A little scary.

Mrs ID and I were into BDSM way before we started swinging. Under no circumstance would we EVER do that without permission. It's not acceptable-period. A love pat on the butt once or twice is on thing. And choking is something I don't like to do because of the risks involved. Anything with rough play requires a negotiated scene before hand. As @christnthms said if I make it better for her I have an even better time. And as @Lionheart72 mentioned a little direction is a good thing.

The way it grew in my mouth and the size and shape.

My guys are straight. (Voluntarily they'll only go as far as sticking their dick in for sloppy seconds, but can be forced by us women to do oral on a pussy made sloppy by another guy if we demand it. And why shouldn't they? We're expected to suck their dick after it's been in another cunt.) And that's fine with Lora, Clair, and me because watching gay play does nothing for us. But there is a double standard. If we did want to see gay sex, however, it wouldn't be a question of who is going to suck who, I would expect them to be putting it in each others bums. If women are expected to take a dick in her anus, why not the men? Men aren't too discriminating when it comes to sex and what's the difference between a woman's anus and a guy's? Anal sex does nothing for me, except during DP, but I do it to please the guys when they've satisfied me, so if I wanted to see such a thing he should do it as well.

We actually DON'T AGREE with some of the things said above. Sure, mistakes were made, but to just dismiss them as mistakes is another mistake. You have already pointed out what the mistakes were, but they need to be returned to. Let your partner know that you are sorry for breaking the rules and that you won't ever do it again (and stick to that). You should never change the rules when you are in a sexual situation. If you find that a rule no longer applies or that you are ready to set it aside, it should be done outside of a sexual situation and only if you both agree on the change. You should also make sure by checking in with him...and this can just be something as simple as a look and a nod, and make sure that he is okay with everything that is happening...even if you are veteran swingers and have been with 100s of couples. Always check in with your partner. If either of you are having a problem, be it emotional or physical, call a time out and take a break to find out what is happening. You are a team and should always play as a team. As for the ED, and this has already been pointed out several times, this is entirely normal...but that isn't going to help him knowing that. All he knows is that he was having problems and he doesn't understand why. Dwelling on the problem is only going to make it worse for him. I'm SURE that he is embarrassed and confused about this happening, but sometimes...especially when you are just starting out, it will happen. Luckily there is a pill for this, but you need to work with him so he knows in the future if it happens again (and it may) that you are there to help and support him and if he can't perform, you need to take a break or maybe even postpone things until the next time. Most all couples will understand this. Really! Biggest thing here is you need to reestablish the trust you two have and he needs to know that everything was okay and that you love him completely and won't ever break the rules again.