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The premise of my wife saying she wouldn't want to remain in the LS was said in a loving manner and she ended up ultimately saying she was willing to just stop with this particular guy. We have very open and strong communication overall. I think @enhancer is right, we need to revisit whether poly is right for us. I would classify us as poly-lite at the moment, but we need to consider whether we are really ready to dive in head first.

I would argue that the definition of poly also includes the full knowledge and consent of all parties involved. Otherwise, it's just cheating...

I agree. She basically saying "I get to do what I want, regardless of your feelings, or we stop entirely." The correct answer to that, in my not-so-humble opinion, is to stop entirely

Great opening Escargogo2, thank you. Communication - the pitfalls. Despite endless discussions, communication still raises its ugly head on a regular basis - consider these situations that all have a common thread of either poor communication, no communication or misunderstood communication: 1. Ghosting - in an attempt to avoid communicating what may be bad news (not wanting to meet etc) people frequently simply avoid communicating. We had to learn this the hard way many times and still find it a bitter pill to swallow when it happens. 2. Assumptions - you have met a couple, you all seem to like each other, you play, you all seem to have a good time. Now, they are not returning your kiks. What happened here? It took us a while to realize that everyone has different communication styles/abilities, within the couple and how they interact with other couples. We had to simply accept that not everything is as it appears and that not everyone wants to talk about it. 3. Yes means Yes. - we have all heard of No Means No, but it took us a while to understand Yes Means Yes. LOL. It took us a while, but, eventually, we realized, that anything other than a clear, unambigous "yes", is "no" in one form or another. See #1 above as an example.

Wife and I started in the swinging lifestyle in early 70's and from the very start we decided that condoms were not required. Of course this was way before AIDS and she was on the pill but we both thought the condom would take away the pleasure. From the very first every guy she fucked came in her pussy. At first she would douche after fucking another guy but one night I got to her before she did the douche and though she protested once I got my tongue in her cunt she was so turned on by the FACT THAT I WAS LICKING HER LOVER'S CUM FROM HER PUSSY THAT SHE HAD AN INTENSE ORGASM. I grabbed her butt and pulled her pussy to my face and loved the feel and taste. Then I slipped my own cock into her slick cunt and it felt so great. She said "you are going to mix your cum with his, aren't you?" You can bet I did, that time and every other time when she fucked another guy - and there were many other guys over the years, but her pussy never wore out and all the fellows loved her hairy cunt.

When I told our story I did not do it to tell you that was what to do but rather to just show you what was possible. If at any time my wife had told me that she was uncomfortable I would have shut it down. The advice that everyone needs to be comfortable with the situation is correct. We just got lucky. One other thought, Poly is not an either or situation. My wife and I continued playing with others just for fun. I don't even think I would consider us Poly because multiple loving partners is not the goal or even the norm for us. But if the magic happens I would be inclined to let it happen.

@enhancer Thanks for sharing your perspective. We have definitely dipped our toes into the poly waters recently, but this one is stretching me for sure. I agree with you, we shouldn't go there if one of us isn't comfortable.

We are not poly in anyway and make it a rule not to give our personal phone numbers to anyone in the lifestyle. All chatting happens together and if someone doesn’t like that they can get bent. If you are not comfortable with it then it should end! Your wife should know that is how things work in the lifestyle. If one person isn’t happy with something then it should stop. It doesn’t make you the weak link at all in our opinion. Her saying fine I will stop, but then we should just stop the lifestyle all together sounds to me like she doesn’t want to stop and will throw that out there to get her way. I would totally call that bluff myself, but the lifestyle just isn’t even close to how important my personal relationship with the missus is. If you don’t want to be poly you don’t have to be! Lots of us live this lifestyle without having that kind of connection with other people and are doing just fine.

Two of most important rules of swinging: 1) communicate, 2) move at the speed of the least comfortable person So, first you should tell your wife how you feel. Don't accuse her, or this guy, of anything. Just tell her how you feel. (In pop-psych speak they call it "I" statements.) It doesn't matter if she doesn't think there is anything more serious going on. It doesn't matter if he thinks nothing more serious is going on. It doesn't matter if nothing more serious IS going on. What matters is that you are not comfortable. Which brings us to point two - you are not comfortable. Therefore, at the very least, you - as a couple - should not play with this other couple until you are comfortable (which might be never). You may ask ask your wife to either stop messaging him or change how and when she messages him. Again, don't accuse. Just be honest and say it is making you uncomfortable. Talk to her. Listen to her and, gently, ask her to listen to you. Honesty, trust and communication.

Oh... good topic... so many stories, but here are a couple of the good ones. Communication - Before my wife and I really knew what swinging was, we were open to the idea of sex with other people. We were at a party where the vibe was moving pretty solidly toward crazy sex, if not outright orgy. So, naturally, we got up and left. We were in the car, driving home, talking and suddenly it was "Well, I thought you wanted to leave.", "No, I thought YOU wanted to leave." By the time we turned around and got back to the party, the mood of the party had shifted and the opportunity was lost. In reality that was probably for the best for a lot of reasons concerning the actually people involved but still, I always remember that conversation as one of the points where we realized we really needed to communicate better. Say no - Fast forward more years than I like to think about. We're swingers. We've done some crazy stuff. We're at a club and have met a couple. The guy is clearly very into her. The lady obviously couldn't be less interested in me. The sex happens and it is not good. I'm left feeling pretty rotten. Never take one for the team, especially since my wife really wasn't that into the guy either, she was just playing for the sake of playing. We realized we needed to remember to say no when a particular match up doesn't work for us. The worst person you can lie to is yourself - Fast forward again, more years than I'm comfortable with. We discover that several of our friends, including one incredibly hot younger (20-something to my 40-something) lady are also into the lifestyle or at least not adverse to it. So I ask her if she would like to hook up. To my shock, she says yes. We have a great time and decide to do it again. She is very clear - she has a wife, a boyfriend, a girlfriend and she can't commit to anything beyond friends-with-benefits / occasional fuck-buddy. I say that's fine. I say, I'm an experience swinger I can handle that. I say, I'm not looking for anything more. Every word out of my mouth is lie. I am totally crushing on this woman. I absolutely want more. Even when I admit it to myself, I pretend I can handle it. Crash and burn (you can find the whole thing the archives here).

You and my husband are on the same page. One of his favorite things (mine too!) is for him to go down on me after another guy has cum inside of me!