Leaderboard

Two of most important rules of swinging: 1) communicate, 2) move at the speed of the least comfortable person So, first you should tell your wife how you feel. Don't accuse her, or this guy, of anything. Just tell her how you feel. (In pop-psych speak they call it "I" statements.) It doesn't matter if she doesn't think there is anything more serious going on. It doesn't matter if he thinks nothing more serious is going on. It doesn't matter if nothing more serious IS going on. What matters is that you are not comfortable. Which brings us to point two - you are not comfortable. Therefore, at the very least, you - as a couple - should not play with this other couple until you are comfortable (which might be never). You may ask ask your wife to either stop messaging him or change how and when she messages him. Again, don't accuse. Just be honest and say it is making you uncomfortable. Talk to her. Listen to her and, gently, ask her to listen to you. Honesty, trust and communication.

I never said enjoying rough sex is wrong. I think consenting adults should do whatever turns them on (as long as nobody is hurt or put in danger). However, rough sex, in my opinion, is just plain wrong if it is forced upon me without my consent. I was taken by surprise both times and didn't enjoy either encounter. Both of the men happen to be nice guys (have seen them both since) but I would not be willing to play with either in the future.

I agree. She basically saying "I get to do what I want, regardless of your feelings, or we stop entirely." The correct answer to that, in my not-so-humble opinion, is to stop entirely

Pretty much. I also said I need all the details if it happens. You guys rock so much.

"I do not like rough sex. I am not here as a submissive. If I push your hand away, it's not brat play. it's because what you're doing feels unpleasant. If you need that, this session has to end immediately." With a strange partner, it might not hurt to even say that in advance, if you have any doubts about their intentions. I do agree with christnthms that there can be a surprising amount of judgment about this on this forum, but I think part of it is because of negative experiences with clumsy partners like this spoiling the fun for others. Maybe a good rule of thumb that young men who are trying to learn this should start with is that if the two of you haven't explicitly discussed a safe word, there's absolutely no excuse for failing to recognize that all forms of resistance are the safe word.