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Your wife is 100% correct...listen to her.

Happens ALL OF THE TIME. Some (married) guy is looking for some fun and answers an ad with the full knowledge that his wife wouldn't ever consider swinging (even though he has never asked her about it). He finds another couple but suddenly his wife is unavailable...traveling, sick, uninterested, etc, but he is still available. Sure, he's tried to find couples that are looking for just a guy, but there are HUNDREDS of men looking to cheat on their wives (cheating isn't swinging and will never be) and get laid. Lets see, he's lying to his wife and lying to you as well...of course drama will soon be following. Kick him to the curb and move forward.

You did the right thing. I don’t know what CC is, but join SLS, SDC or another national platform. There are plenty of swingers where it is obvious ( from certifications) that both spouses are on board. You can also have your wife talk to the other wife (“voice verify”) before you meet. This can be faked, but what can you do. You will not have a relaxing swing session unless all parties consent. You don’t want cheaters or coerced people.

You need new friends. Drop them from your rotation.

Hi Everyone. We are Billy and Debbie thinking about having sex with old friends. We have friends from our old city before we moved who we know are swingers. They told us to sign up on here to ask and find answers to all the questions they haven’t answered. We always were amazed that they are so free to have sex with others when they told us about friends they have and vacations they took. They always asked us to join them and they joked that we were like old people thinking sex is bad. I always asked how do you let guys fuck your wife, he would answer why not. I couldn’t do that to her and I don’t want you fucking Deb. We have been invited, always laughing it away. By joining here you can tell we are thinking. It has to be normal to feel you can’t let your wife fuck someone. Right? Is there a reason not to feel that way? Even thinking about my friend and my wife has me thinking how wrong this could be. We are making the list why we shouldn’t try this. Debbie and I are talking about why shouldn’t or could do this. We aren’t religious or so high moral thinkers. Why do people make judgments about swingers? My friend has made an offer to be our first or he would invite friends to the house so we can watch and chose. Thanks for letting us join this group and read comments and other posts. I am sure everyone answering will tell us how great swinging is.

My wife and I have been very friendly with another couple for years. They are not easily social and so we introduce them to everyone when we are at swinger clubs and lifestyle events. We host parties and always include them. Several times in the past, we have become aware that they take our other friend's phone numbers and make plans to see them privately. We didn't really care what they did on their time. Lately, when we introduce them to a small group, they will invite the entire group and not us. My wife says, "drop them and let them fend for themselves in the future, they are using us." The man can be arrogant (not sure why) and would not handle confrontation well. I'm not looking for a fight but let's face it, that's pretty messed up. My wife also tells me that he knows women are more attracted to me and this makes it easier for him. Thoughts?

Brother is more than worth it because they knew what was going on and they knew what we were doing was wrong. There’s no way I will let somebody walk away and do something wrong to my wife without there haven’t been repercussions for Doing so. The last thing I’m going to do is have this guy get away with something and be giggling somewhere laughing about how he got something over on unexpected couple. Just consequences for bad actions and this would’ve been a time to do exactly what you needed to do

Yes unfortunately it is all to common! Guys just using their wife to try and get some for themselves when she is never actually on board and doesn’t know anything about it in the first place. Forget about pieces of crap like this guy. We can usually weed them out very quickly at this point. If the wife isn’t actually aware of it then they are not swingers. He is just a cheater and they don’t deserve to be part of this lifestyle.

You have to say something to them or they will think they are getting away with something

The most important word you wrote, “discuss”. So many couples say they discussed where truthfully one partner talks and the other goes along. I like your friends without knowing them, they discussed along with you and didn’t pressure you into doing anything before all of you could be in agreement. Peer pressure, whether it’s a spouse who is more eager, or the experienced couple pushing a less than willing participant. I have learned the signals given by the unfortunate woman who is going along to satisfy a man’s fantasy. I appreciate the man who honors a woman’s hesitancy. If and when you both agree you want to take the next step your waiting will be worth it.

Every post on here leads to going forward or bad feelings and then your posts is a refreshing change, you talked it out. If swinging is for you more opportunities will be there. I had so many thoughts racing in my head before going forward, the pressure came from my wife and friends that were very accessible living not far from us. Enjoy your conversations at home, the thought of swinging seems to already started sexy talk for you.

If I may say so, I think it's very positive that you seem to be getting a handle on what does and doesn't work for you. I wanted to toss out another bit of advice (which you may seen in other posts but just in case). As you continue to talk, remember there is a big difference between what sounds really great when you're all hot and naked and having sex, and what sounds like a good idea when things are calm and clear. Lots of people find the fantasy of a thing really hot but when they think about it in the clear light of day, they could never do it. So, when your talking about swinging and considering actually doing it, focus on how you feel about it when you're dressed and sitting down to breakfast, not when you're all hot and bothered and climbing into bed.

No interest in a swingers club for us, no interest in watching strangers have sex in a club. Our big problem is can we have sex with others and watching adds to the problem. We are still talking about it, inching closer to maybe.

You are more than thinking if you signed up asking for advice. I asked all the same questions you are asking all the time trying to reconcile the thought of having sex with my wife’s best friend. I did that too. Heck she is good looking and I knew she wanted me, they were the swingers already just like your friends. I can tell you friends are the best way to start, they will be the least pressure and can make it fun.

A theme I'm sure you've seen by now in many, many posts is that the key to successful swinging is communication. Communicate, communicate, communicate. It sounds like you're doing a great job of that! Even if you never end up swinging, that kind of open, honest communication is the bedrock of many a great relationship.

WE read so many posts last night. Some questions brought up more questions. Questions brought up conversation, conversation lead to SEX. Not a bad thing. Debbie asked me if I would watch, do I want to watch, would I enjoy watching, would I watch if it was our friend or better with a stranger. Good questions. She additionally asked if I think our lady friend is attractive, would I pick her up if she was in a singles bar and we were all single. She asked me if ever thought of her friend sexually before. Last night I sure did all night. I blocked out the thought of our male friend and Debbie and undressed in my mind the girlfriend. In my mind YEAH I would do it. Can I? Read a lot about sex with friends, pros and cons. I could go bad, more for us, less for them. They are already swingers. We read a thread that it’s better with people you know and like, and we read do we lose friends if it goes bad. We are still dealing with the can we question. Do we want to question. The more we talk the more curious we become. We found a recent article in a newsfeed, Is Monogamous Sex, Monotonous Sex. I never thought it monotonous but is it? Do we have the same sex every time, do we change it up? We have been monogamous since we became committed. She never complained about our sex, I’m happy, is there more? Debbie’s question if I would watch and enjoy, I asked her if she could watch. She said she would if I wanted. More talk, more questions, more answers, more excitement, more doubt, more reassurance. We decided that to the moment we can change our minds.

My contribution

I love butts, big, small medium. I love them even more when they like anal.

It's worth taking a deep breath and a pause. The alcohol is his strategy for dealing with what he perceives to be a shameful event--his shame--now believing that in your eyes he no longer "measures up". Shame is an extraordinarily powerful affect. I could venture a guess that somewhere in his early development, he was held to an extraordinarily high standard by a teacher, parent or coach. People tend to internalize that judge into an "inner judge". The alcohol becomes a balm for this very real mental anguish of perceiving that he is "not good enough". Fact is, there is always a man with a bigger penis or who lasts longer and so on. Two points are worth making here. First, the message you are sending is the one that you want to continue to send, namely that you love him above all else. You might consider asking your sister to look after the kids for a night and carving out time at the hotel just for him. Just to be with him and just to listen and tell him that you love him. Second, you are in some sense fortunate that this episode occurred with full knowledge of all parties so there was no cheating involved. Imagine the outcomes if this had been cheating, an affair or similar. Since you can't turn the clock back, you (plural) can at least reflect on what's important to each of you. Finally, and I am channeling VegasLee here, you've learned that swinging is not for everyone. Whether it is for you as a couple depends a great deal on how you communicate and emerge from this episode. Note the emphasis on "as a couple". The symmetry may be the most important thing to you.

It was not so much that "swinging" in general was not working, it was that at times the sex part was not happening and after reviewing it, it was our own fault. We would get sucked into that "social trap" that happens at many times. Sitting and hanging out with people we know. Sitting around talking, not exploring, not finding people to play with. Not keeping the right attitude about things in general. I would sit there and listen to others we know complaining that nothing has been going on lately, they are not partying, just sitting back waiting for it to come to them and it was not happening. They are spending to much time complaining about things not happening but doing nothing to make anything happen. After awhile I find us falling into that same trap at times. When you look at yourself, as I have at times I try to find every reason in the world why it is not working before I take a hard look in the mirror and see that reason is ME! From what everyone tells me that is human nature, look for fault in the Lifestyle or others rather then look at myself. I hate that and I hate it more when I find I am the one doing it. Life and this Lifestyle are what you make of it, nothing more. I get in moods and have to really look at myself at times to find out why I am not making my life what I want it to be. Every time when I look hard enough I find I am the problem, not others around me. I wake up and don't allow the things going on around me to dictate what MY LIFE is going to be and all is well again.