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It is our first and hopefully only marriage. We celebrated 38 years in October. He was my first and only everything when we had our first date in May,1980. We started having threesomes with a male work friend of mine. Then moved to couples. It has been 21 years since we started in December of 2000.

After a decade, that person isn't going to reply. I will, though. If something is hurting, you ask your partner to stop, and you trust your partner to do so. That's the way it has to work. If you don't speak up, it's not your partner's fault that your telepathy is in the repair shop that day. It's great if your partner can stop and notice a funny look on your face, but ultimately, you can't rely on that. These sessions aren't big deals, and you have to internalize that beforehand. If you call it off because it isn't working, you'll try again another day when it does, and that nobody is committing a crime by saying "sorry, I think we gotta call it a night". This is a biological reality. Read up on the "Coolidge Effect". Obviously, if somebody's excited to the point of disrespect, there's a huge problem there, but people getting excited by new partners is completely normal and healthy. In my experience, a session introducing a new partner invigorates the sex drive of both partners for each other, too. Maybe some of that novelty rubs off on coming back to each other, so-called "reclamation sex".

I read this about Jealousy https://www.gottman.com/blog/why-do-we-get-jealous-in-relationships/ Admittedly we both felt the twangs of jealousy even when we or he brought up the subject of others in our bed. Our original goal didn’t include men and then quickly we were aware that any sex was going to include men and women. I then and still have full faith in our love and faithfulness to the other. We now understand that it is our joint love and not a sex act that keeps us glued. Sex is an act of fun, fun we can have together or separately. I love him more if that is possible, with the freedom we have given the other.

Jealousy is an ugly beast and once it catches hold it can be hard to detach, yes. I have told my story here before, but it has been a while and it is pertinent to this discussion. I was raised with the typical assumption that jealousy was an unpleasant, but natural, reaction. I was also raised in a tradition that encouraged a routine inner search for moral flaws. They called it an “examination of conscience”. Jealousy had always been an issue for me. I had kept it under raps by controlling situations in which it could arise. This eventually led to a really circumscribed life and an over vigilant worldview, not paranoid but tending in that direction. After three decades of being coupled with my wife and raising three children to adulthood we found ourselves in an empty nest, with all the attendant down time. The borders that served us well while family commitments kept us busy, suddenly pointed out gaps in our social lives. We had acquaintances from work and church, but very few close friends and only two with which we were truly transparent. The border that had protected us in its time, started to creep between us in subtle ways. As we tried to correct this, that ugly green monster started to peer over the hedge. During one of my periodic introspections, it became clear to me that Jealousy was not just a pesky, destructive, condition, but that previous strategies fell short and that not being more proactive was intentionally allowing a moral flaw to prosper. (Read “sin” here in old school translation.) What to do.? Training said, first step is to renounce the sin. How the hell was I to do that? The answer as it turned out was simple. I have always viewed emotion as subject to reason for the most part. Did my jealousy spring from fear of loss? Not by any rational standard at all. We had been through enough that there was solid basis. Possessiveness? Entitlement? Yes. MY Wife, My Marriage, MY, My MY. My solution, for me? I gave my bride a complete, one sided, perennial Green Light, to do whatever she wanted, with whoever she wanted, with no strings.. This may sound like something done just for her. It was also very much for myself. By giving up any claims of possession and exclusivity, I freed myself from trying to defend myself and those things and replaced it with Trust. She thought I was nuts. She may still think that sometimes, but for unrelated reasons. We have redefined what fidelity means for us. It is less gonadal, better and more fulfilling. The Green Light has cost me nothing. My bride relishes both the freedom and the trust she sees on display. We are the better for it.

Don’t overthink what might happen, just make sure you are both thinking alike. There is only one first time, there is no putting the toothpaste back in the tube. Make a promise to Debbie that you will never hold her actions against her, then ask her for the same commitment. Enjoy your trip and have a Merry Christmas.

Anyone who is reading this series of post over many threads by 10th, and who has the vaguest of ideas of the LifeStyle will realize 10ths post for what they are. To any Newbie or explorer reading these, please realize that posts are being cherrypicked from people that came to this community with REAL issues. Realize also that there are decades of such threads . All of these threads have been met with a caring and fairly consistent set of reactions and answers. Human relationships are deeply complex in either the Vanilla or LS worlds. Many of these issues arise in both. The answers here apply in both. Communication, forgiveness , understanding would solve many of the worlds ills. The life style provides an excellent viewpoint to the world. It is NOT for the fainthearted , the unprepared, or for those still reaching maturity. It challenges us and places us under a microscope. It is truly "The examined life", which is well worth living. It is also not meant to be entered casually. There are many good books on ethical non monogamy. I suggest reading them as part of your path, into or away from the LifeStyle. I hope 10th and his wife are truly happy together. Some women appreciate men with his attitude. Some are intimidated into agreement or silence by it.

If the moderators can not see what is completely obviously going on right now then people are blind!

Here we go again, hitting the road later today. Thinking this will be the last time leaving home as a monogamous couple. We bought two a few Covid testing kits for the trip. Debbie is acting like this will be it, not much different from the last few times we visited so I don’t know how excited I should be.

I'm a woman and that's what I like too, starting with him totally flaccid and letting it grow until it no longer fits.

Awww sweetie he is a shit person and quite honestly you deserve better. He has no excuse for talking to you that way. If it were me I'd boot his ass out the door and I'd have twenty threesomes in twenty days and make sure he flipping knew it.

There is always two sides to a story. We haven't much to go on even from the OP, and since this thread is from an unregistered user, I am hesitant to jump on the and advise her to tell her "lover" (I'm really curious what that exactly means and what is the nature of their relationship) to Go take a hike you abusive S.O.B.! This is the internet, a place where you can anonymously appear on any forum around the world and get sympathy, make yourself feel you are "right" and he is "wrong" and then go tell him he's wrong because all these other people on the net said so. I'd venture that for a man to say this to his woman he's had a lot to deal with from her for a long time and it's gotten down to the last straw. Or, she's a woman who has put up with a lot from him but doesn't have the smarts to leave him, even though her friends have told her many times to do just that...in that case, is she going to listen to any of us? Who knows. LM