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When we joined I couldn’t imagine posting in this section as we had no adventures. Our first and second adventures are now behind us and we are constantly talking about it. Two in our family came home with Covid after our adventure vacation at our friends house. Both Debbie and our daughter are recovering, still am not sure if our daughter had an adventure with our friend’s son, he came down with the virus too. Debbie and I are reliving our first times with our friends and she told me something I may have missed. During our visit we switched with our friends by the light of a Christmas tree. I was able to see enough of what was going on finishing before my friend and Debbie we were able to snuggle as they kept going. When they finished and were just leaning back my partner went over to give her husband a big kiss, then gave Debbie a big hug and kiss and a playful grab of her breast. I heard some low talk and giggles figuring it was just friends happy to be together. What I missed was Debbie had a finger wipe some of the fluid coming out of her and was asked in that little whisper if she would like to have herself cleaned by her tongue. Hence the laugh I heard. Debbie told me it was a short No that led to the giggle. There weren’t any other attempts or requests like that the rest of the week. Now that we are home we are talking, Debbie wants to know if it is normal for the women to play, so I researched on the forum. Some women do, some don’t. It is much less common for men, I have no desire for that. I googled bisexuality and it says attraction to both sexes, Debbie said she isn’t attracted to her friend as a lover. The question is having sex means you are attracted or is having sex just that, having sex. People have oral sex as fun, one person enjoys doing and the satisfaction is making the other person satisfied. The other person enjoys what is being done to them. I said did you enjoy giving a blow job to him, did you enjoy having him eat you, what would be the difference if she went down on you. She said she didn’t know if she could reciprocate, she never did that. It’s just talk right now and it’s fun to talk.

He tells two friends, then they tell two friends... next thing you know, everybody knows you're a swinger. If that Ok then fine. Otherwise maybe rethink this.

For the longest time Ms. Gold would say that she was 'bi-friendly' meaning that she didn't mind touching, kissing, etc. the other woman, but has always said that she isn't bi since she isn't interested in having a romantic relationship with a woman other than playing. Out of simplicity, we list her as bi on our profile because she doesn't mind (in fact, she enjoys) playing with the other woman but if the other woman isn't interested in playing, she (we) are fine with that as well. Playing isn't a requirement.

I understand this. My GF is into the rough stuff and most of the times in those situations I want to be there for her security far more than for sexual gratification. Unfortunately I haven't always been there for every occasion (her doing) because I know how things can escalate. The slapping doesn't concern me as much as the choking does. If I'm not around the idea of someone putting their hands around her neck is worrisome. I also know that my GF likes to be choked but I always advise her to manage things appropriately when I'm not around regarding guys choking her. It's one thing getting facefucked and choking her with their cocks but it's another thing once their hands are placed around the neck with any sort of pressure.

I'm counting down the days. I'm so incredibly nervous and excited at the same time. The best bit? My husband bought me some lingerie to wear. He seems genuinely excited. He telling me what he's going to be doing to me. It's such a turn on to know he is interested. We already had a good sex life but now it's just amped up. He might even wear me out before we get there So a few questions; How do you go about introducing yourselves? Is it just a normal "Hi" like at a party or is it "Hi you're cute, do you want to..."? Do people take offense if you say no? Do you need to ask them about their rules or tell them about ours or do you just feel your way through it? This is a house party. Do you bring the hosts something? If you're talking to a couple and only interested in one of them is it bad etiquette to ask if they play separately? Is it considered bad etiquette if you go and don't play at all? Or even play with too many for that matter? Did I tell you I'm excited? I am!! I love my husband so much.

I Googled bisexual as being attracted to both sexes or not having an affinity to one sex over the other. I never thought of myself as a bisexual as never having been attracted to another woman. I don’t remember what flicked my curiosity of what it would be like to touch another vagina. I asked Rocky if vaginas are all different or closely similar, knowing full well vaginas are as different as a nose or a penis. Long story brought us to swinging and me seeing a vagina up close, touching and eventually having oral sex. Swinging and bisexuality was extremely more difficult versus my first sexual experiences. What both had in common was it was me that wanted it. Bill let Debbie talk it out, don’t push. I needed to work it out in my mind that the only thing holding me from trying something new was what others would think, people don’t do that. Why should I care, it’s my thoughts my body. I wanted affirmation from only one person, the person I could hurt if I had sex with someone. The first time is the most difficult part, no pain is involved. My curiosity has opened my thinking and our pleasures. It has also brought us closer to a long time friend who took her curiosity forward because of me. Even though my first was not my friend and I wasn’t hers, we now enjoy our great friendship even more. We already have so much in common, now we enjoying in new ways.

We've kind of wondered how we'd address this if it ever really came up. Mrs. E enjoys women's bodies, possibly enjoys breasts as much as I do. Yet she just likes some playful kissing and touching, sex acts are a bit much for her. No idea how you really categorize that. "Bi-Curious, But Not That Curious"

I've posted about this once before, but the sub I work with asked about choking and I simply told her no, and why. I trust myself to be responsible but don't want to teach her something that leads to pain or regret later if she chooses the wrong playmate. There are other ways to simulate that level of submission, like placing your hand around the neck with an elbow on her chest. Moderate pressure on the chest without restricting anything in the neck can give her the important part without the messy/risky aspects. Alternately, one hand firmly on the back of the neck, or both hands around the neck, but only restraining with gentle pressure from your thumb and forefinger on the jaw and skull, not the neck. There's no need to link the feeling of submission with the rush from releasing the neck, many/most women who ask to be choked are not really asking for erotic asphyxiation, but for an intimate and comforting feeling of being secured by an authority figure while something emotionally intense or strongly taboo is happening, and that's the solution they came up with. Feeling controlled by the neck by a strong hand is about as thorough as that gets, and can be more comforting than inanimate restraints like handcuffs. I have a strong opinion about this and will beat that drum anytime sexual choking comes up, because women who like it often experience an addictive feeling and won't ask to stop, and too many shitty wannabe dominants thinking about their own nut instead of watching what's happening to the submissive and leading the scene. Amateur BDSM with people who haven't thought it through - or just don't care - can be bad news and this is a line to draw early and often.

My wife and I had a threesome with a man who placed his hand around her neck while they were having sex. It made me uncomfortable, but I didn't intercede because there was no sign from her that she wasn't enjoying it. She said later that it surprised her a bit, but she wasn't scared. She never played with him again though.

Start with hi...saying hi does not imply that you want to do anything with them, it just means hi. Not at all. There will be times where people approach you and one of you won't be interested. It's much easier and saves a bunch of time if you just say that it was nice to meet them but you are not interested. If you find another couple that you want to play with, usually before starting someone will (or at least should) ask what their rules are and to let them know what yours are. Communication is always the best policy. Probably not, especially if you don't know them in advance. If you attend events with them over a period of time, bringing them something is nice but still not required or expected. Most couples will come as a package deal. If either one of you are not interested in playing with them, it's probably best to look elsewhere (never 'take one for the team'). Not at all. Some couples are looking for a connection and just might not be feeling it with anyone that night. Others are interested in 'one and done'. Just don't overdo it. Take your time and don't rush or try to force things that you shouldn't.

Choking sounds like a bad idea to me. Make love, not war.

First, just treat it as a vacation. Go into it with no expectations other than having fun and you will always come out ahead. it's probably a good idea to put up a profile and try to connect with others that will be there. That way, you will already know some people before you get there...it doesn't mean that you have to do anything with them, but knowing someone helps make it less intimidating (or terrifying). You won't be leading anyone on. In fact, most swingers always will ask permission before anything happens and understand if you say no to anything. Also, even if you are interested in playing with someone, usually the next question is asking what your limits and boundaries are. Just be truthful and stick with what the two of you have decided in advance and you shouldn't have any problems. I know exactly how you feel...I don't drink for the same reason (and I don't like feeling out of control). My comfort zone used to be very narrow (this has helped expand it greatly). That's why I said to just go and plan on having a fun vacation. Don't put pressure on yourself to try and force something to happen that just might not be there. NJBM's suggestion of visiting a swingers club or meet and greet is a good one...kind of like feeling the water temp before you jump in. The more you realize that most swingers are very friendly, usually extremely polite, and rarely bite (unless you ask), the more comfortable you will feel. You won't have any fun if you are always afraid of what might happen (and afraid of what might not happen) and that might just make you miss an opportunity. Plan on having a fun, one of a kind vacation with the woman you love and everything else is a bonus. Let us know how things go and report back!

You are doing everything a newbie should do by talking before and after as well as giving much thought together before agreeing to going forward. The problem with any sexual adventure as you called it, is there is no going back, you will always have that history and memory. Talking out things afterwards corrects any mistakes you feel were made. Our contacts usually begin where your wife feels your first went. All of the women know there will be touching and more between the women, no surprises as I always prepare the woman before I go forward and wait for a signal that says she is ready. I love that the wife kissed her husband and your wife after, it shows she approved and everything is good. When I see couples give this after kiss I smile knowing there are no bad feelings. Girl play seems to becoming a normal part of swinging but I can’t be the one to say how common. Our swinging was started with girl play being the focus. We only meet people who think they want to explore that pleasure. It is not always a successful thought, too many times the man is urging the girl play, not the woman looking to explore her on sexuality. Tell your wife to consider what it will be, don’t push. It already sounds she is curious if she is talking about it and not shutting down the thought. It sounds you are far enough away from your friends that you can’t just hop in the car for a quick play date. It’s giving you time to think and talk and you stated the talk is fun. Just a thought, they are friends, you know them as people not only as sexual partners, speak to them about your thoughts and your fears. If your wife can speak freely with her friend it might give her more to think about. Let your adventure continue.

As a newbie I always assumed most people use condoms at a club as this is what we were advised when we registered. But I do suspect that I ended up eating the other husbands cum from his wife when we were together. She was really wet and mushy and had a different scent. I admit I was super turned on at the time and the scent was like an aphrodisiac so I just kissed away. It was later that I started thinking about it and wondering. He was fking my wife when I went down on his, and he actually leaned over to watch for a bit as I licked his wife. i suspect it was their secret fantasy to have someone unknowingly lick hubbys cum from her.

I think you see a lot more hotwife dares online bc it's just not as fun watching husbands mostly strike out lol!

It is difficult to overcome the programming. You've spent a lifetime being taught by family and society about monogamy. That's a lot of ingrained teaching to overcome. For my wife, it took about two years for it to feel "natural" having sex with other men. She enjoyed it all along, but it took that long before it really stopped feeling a bit weird, especially if she went on a solo date. There's a variety of sites out there that sell lifestyle jewelry. Here's one that seems nice: https://www.etsy.com/market/hot_wife_jewelry. My wife and I have looked into it before, but settled on a variety of different nipple jewelry instead. We considered getting such jewelry though. That particular necklace you display is not familiar to me as any symbol for the lifestyle. Maybe in Australia it tracks as a symbol? I don't know. My wife and I imagined jewelry would be a conversation starter, but we were uncertain about how that would play out in any scenario. We're not keen on picking up non-lifestyle people, so even thought it might start a conversation out and about in public, it's doubtful any play would ever come from it. In a swinger scenario...of course the other people already know you're a swinger. So, we decided on the nipple jewelry instead, as being more apropos and useful. Your mileage may vary :) It might be that wearing jewelry out in public that clearly proclaims you're a swinger might be exciting. Almost all couples have various rules when they get into swinging. For most couples a lot of the rules tend to fall away as time goes on (and with discussion of course). My wife and I had a no kissing rule at first. Condoms were and remain a must, unless it's a long term play partner we've come to know and trust well. My wife doesn't like anal, but has been willing for me to do that with her in the past. Problem is that while I'm average in length, I'm quite thick and it's painful for her. So, early on we had a no-anal rule. That rule is gone now too, but no play partners have ever asked for it. We had a smattering of other rules at first. It gives a feeling that you still have control of the situation, and it won't get out of hand. It's comforting. My wife and I now have just one rule (other than condoms of course, which is a given). We call it the "golden parachute" rule. If at any time either of us feels the need to pull the plug, we let the other know, we halt activities no questions asked and no debate, politely make our exit, and don't attempt to talk about it until we are back in the car and on the road. We've never invoked that rule, but it's a comfort knowing it's there.

My only carte blanche permission is Salma Hayek, so if that situation ever arises... Anyway, it's funny what you said about verifying. One of the rules I laid out for the submissive was that if she wants to do that, even if she believes she knows the person's situation from prior talks (as she did in the incident at the guy's house), to drop me the full name to do a satisfactory check online before agreeing to leave with anyone. (She knew his name and that guy's social media would not have revealed the existence of a wife, he's making an effort to lie and this could have easily happened to any vanilla single woman, but again, a second pair of eyes can't hurt.) Fast forward a few months, she wants to try hotel bars again. Someone sits with her very quickly. She really enjoys the conversation. There's some extremely mild innuendo and flirting. An hour later, she's ready to do her thing, but they've kept it light and never got to last names. "By the way, my last name is XXX. What's yours?" She passes me his answer to check. "Vandelay." After confirming that - as expected - he didn't exist, she was already messaging that he was acting weird now and she assumed he was lying. I had to explain it was a famous Seinfeld joke about fake names.

Taking what he says as truth and taking things slowly and deliberately are not mutually exclusive. How many times in other areas of life do we hear what is said, but misinterpret what it means? How many times have we said something that , while the truth, inadequately expresses what we mean? Taking things slowly expresses respect for yourself, your marriage , and your husband. It may be difficult but self discipline is a healthy habit. This has served us well.

EastInWest, that's a fantastic post! I wish I could like it a thousand times. It really goes to show some of the problems that can happen. My wife plays with single men sometimes. But, we try very hard to ensure they truly are single. We will not play with people who are playing without permission. If they say they are married, but playing with permission, we insist on talking with the spouse to verify it. This has happened a small handful of times, and each time they balked. I.e., playing without permission...part of the 30-40% that are creeps that I mentioned in another post today. My wife and I do not have carte blanche permission to play, with two exceptions (*). We have an open marriage, and very much enjoy it that way. But, play partners are to be vetted, and we do not play without the other one knowing. Like you EastInWest, if we're playing solo our other half knows where we are, when we're getting there, how long we might be, and check in just before we arrive and just after we leave. We (almost...there was one time which worked out, but she contacted me before hand) never play solo with someone we've not met and vetted before. (*) - my wife has permission to play with a man we've known for 20 years. He's quite happily married, and has never given us any reason to believe he's in anything other than a strictly monogamous marriage. My wife would absolutely love to play with him. It will never happen. But, I've told her she doesn't need my permission if, by some massive stroke of luck, she finds herself in such a situation where he's willing and his wife agrees, and for some inexplicable reason she can't contact me in the moment. That's the only carte blanche permission she has. For my part, my carte blanche permission is with a woman I dated long before I met my wife. She and I remain very close (and my wife knows and approves, and even told her as much). This woman is single and knows I'm available and willing to play if she so desires. She's heard it directly from my wife. It hasn't happened, and won't happen, but if by some stroke of luck a situation evolves as above with my wife's carte blanche, I too have carte blanche in that situation There are risks in the lifestyle. My wife and I are not willing to risk each other just to have sex with other people. It's not worth it. There are many rewards in the lifestyle. There are dangers too, and if you're not careful it can be quite dangerous.

I think the best man's confusion says it all. There would definitely be people at the party who are weirded out and deeply confused, rather than thrilled. Some things just need to be discreet.

Trainwreck. Swing with swingers. We are very open minded, but with maturity, I no longer think that bachelor or bachelorette parties should feature extramarital sex. It is sort of antithetical to the concept of marriage. Go out to dinner, a sporting event, gamble, drink, have fun. If the couple wants to become swingers later, that’s fine. It’s not for everyone. I have a vague recollection of the last bachelor party that I attended. There was a stripper there. She may have been up for sexual activities. But most of us were newly married and we pinned ourselves to the wall far from the stripper. Very uncomfortable.

Vaguely related anecdote: I work with a submissive, who likes having a male gatekeeper for this kind of thing. A big part of what she's been into is athletic training, and one night while she was out for the last night of a competitive training program, she texted me at the after-party and asked permission to go play with someone who had been very flirtatious for several events and she was into. She gave a coherent explanation of why she was attracted and why she felt safe, as the group knew this person well and his social media checked out. She went to his house, sent me the address where she'd be, and confirmed that she parked on the street where she could get her car out. After about fifteen minutes, I got curious about the scene, so ran the address through Google. The person's name came up on the house, with a wife attached. At first, I was not able to clarify what was going on there and assumed they were divorced since all of his social media was very clear that he was a father, but made no reference at all to a wife. I dropped her a message asking if everything was alright - figuring she'd have her suspicions - and she responded that it was and that there was some light kissing. I still had doubts, and continued to look a little deeper, confirmed that he was definitely married and that this was definitely the marital home - present tense - and sent her a message letting her know and that if she wasn't comfortable with that, she should leave. She did, immediately, and texted me from the end of the block. She felt bad for missing obvious signs that there was something fucky going on in the adrenaline rush after the event and feels that she learned a lesson about trying to play impulsively, but was glad she left when she did - literally seconds before oral sex on the family sofa. In retrospect, it was definitely the case he was concerned that the neighbors would see her car, but was afraid to say so clearly. He also acted "busted" when she checked her messages, looked surprised, and suddenly said she needed to leave, as if he assumed the message might be a warning from a club member. It may also be the case he was keeping his voice suspiciously low because the kids were sleeping in the house. Picking up vanilla men, someone concealing a wife or girlfriend is an assumed risk. If the guy had an arrangement with his wife or not, that is what it is, but she deserved to be told she was in a marital home - where he'd apparently tucked away all the wife/kids stuff while she was out of town - and where anything could have gone wrong. The disrespect implicit in pretending to be single and dragging someone into your family drama (people in the athletic club gossiping, nosy neighbor giving the wife the license plate, wife coming home early with a pistol, a kid coming down the stairs, getting deposed for divorce court, etc.) was unacceptable. It was so brazen - and in front of witnesses - that it didn't cross either of our minds that it might be that type of situation, but is demonstrative of a huge and dangerous character problem. Point is, having a second pair of eyes on that kind of thing is a good idea. We added a couple of new rules to make sure she doesn't walk herself into that again.

We always play together. If we are at a house party and we know most of the participants, we could be in separate rooms. But sometimes you run into guys who are into slapping or choking and I like to be there with my kickboxing training just in case things go south. Although if you cross my wife, she might lay down the law herself. Never has happened. 99% of swingers observe people’s limits.

I don’t mind sloppy seconds infact I will clean her out eat the cream pie not everytime but I have

My first threesome I got the sloppy second. I was in high school and lucky to fuck any girl. My buddy just fucked her, cum still dripping out, I went right in and added my cum.

It finally happened! My wife and I have been to a few swinger clubs, but she only allowed people to watch never touch, this went on for a few years. We were talking and I was explaining the way we should look at is that adding another guy is like me using her toys on her, use it, have fun then put it away. I asked her how about an erotic massage in a nice hotel by me and another guy? To my surprise and excitement, she said she thinks she could do that! My wife is a 42 yr old Colombian with large man-made C cups, thin waist and a med/lg ass. She only had 4 lovers in her past and all of them just did vanilla sex. Boy did I expand her world when we got married LOL! She is absolutely beautiful with a heart of gold, so I wanted to make sure this was amazing but most of all safe. I came up with limits so she would feel comfortable and safe. First, she would be on the massage table, when he came in and she would be blindfolded as she gets embarrassed easily. Second, the guy would not talk unless asked something by me or her. Third, no rough stuff, just gentle massage. I would allow oral and fingering on her by him but oral on him only if she initiated it. Fourth, I told her at the end after we make her cum, I would ask her Green light, Yellow light or Red light? Green would be to continue with sex from both of us, yellow is sex with me only but he can watch and touch, and Red was thank you but he leaves as I want only my husband now. Lastly, I would meet with the guy before the massage and if I felt the slightest hesitation, I would call it off. She liked the rules. I then started looking when “S” PM’d me. He said he was flying into San Antonio on business and was willing to help. We PM’d back and forth while giving me advice as he said he had helped others get introduced into the LS. He answered every question I had so we made plans to meet when he landed and give the massage to my wife later that evening (only time we both had before he returned home). When I met him a few hours prior to the massage he was so polite that my anxiety level went to zero. We again went over the wife’s limits I came up with and he had no problem with any of them. My wife was blindfolded and on the massage table with a towel over her ass when he arrived. He immediately went to the restroom and undressed and washed his hands. When he came out, massage music was playing, and I had those battery powered candles lighting the room. To make her comfortable with another man’s hands on her we started with her neck and back. After about 10 minutes we moved the towel covering her ass and we began to massage her lower half. We moved slow going from her ass back up to her back then down her legs. I bent her knee moving her lower leg inward at an angle and her pussy became exposed to him for the first time. The light from the candles made her already wet pussy glisten. As we rubbed her inner thighs we would graze her pussy lips…..she was SOOO wet. When we flipped her we began working on her breasts. I was getting so turned on watching another man touch my woman. “S” moved nice and slow over her nipples then down her arm as I did the same. Her nipples were becoming hard as we lightly massaged each breast. We went lower toward her landing strip pubic hair but being careful not to go too far in order to drive her wild. When we moved to her legs, we started with her feet then moved up. We bent both of her legs inward at an angle so the bottom of her feet were touching each other…..this opened her pussy wide. We again worked her inner thighs but this time moving our hands right over her pussy lips……this drove me wild seeing him touch her. I then went down on her and she was drenched in her juices, NOT just wet….drenched, and it tasted so good. At that point I looked up at “s” and offered my wife’s pussy to him. He began to eat her out and I saw her mouth open and could tell she was in pure ecstasy. He wrapped his lips around her clit and sunk his fingers deep inside her…..she let out an amazing moan. I got out the clit vibrator and started to tease her clit while “S” bent two of his fingers to massage her g-spot. I handed the vibrator to “S” while I started to massage her breasts and nipples. “S” kept up the fingering mixed with licking until she had the most intense orgasm, I have ever seen her have! She about rolled off the table it was so intense! She motioned for him to stop but continued to twitch for over a minute. After we let her calm down, I moved her to the edge of the table spreading her legs apart and started to fuck her. She was so soaking wet I slid right in. I looked over and she had “S” cock in her hand slowly playing with it…..I had to think of baseball in order not to cum right there LOL!! “S” then moved to the head of the table to hold her head as it was falling off the table…..what a gentleman! She grabbed his arms and had another orgasm while I came deep in her soaking pussy. “S” smiled at me and quietly left as my wife and I held each other. It was perfect. She told me she LOVED the experience and wants to do it again ?. We went home and fucked two more times. The next day “S” texted me to check on my wife to make sure she was doing good. I can’t tell you enough how much I appreciate “S” in helping us take the next step……thanks man!!……D&J

So much has changed since I asked this question almost three years ago. At the time I was turned off by my own cum and kept away from any sloppy seconds from our friends. Just like never thinking I would ever swing, I never thought another man’s cum would be an issue. Now we are swinging and part of swinging is other men are swinging with us. We primarily swing with one couple and have had some parties with several couples. Being we are not using condoms there is definitely going to be cum in all women involved. I do enjoy watching the women play and lick the cum that will be there. We were with four couples and when we switched partners none of the other guys hesitated and I just went for it. As others mentioned it was very slippery and no different than me just going back in after my own cum being there. Another way things changed,, I have given oral while my own cum was dripping out and recently someone else’s cum.

Love sloppy seconds. The last time we played was a bareback MFM and we each came inside my wife twice. It was heavenly.

There is nothing like sliding my hard cock in a pussy that has just been filled with a guy's cum, mine or another guy's. Cum is a fantastic lube and a pussy that has just been fucked is so hot and fantastic feeling. My swing buddy liked to have two guys join us for a swing session. Some of the guys were long time special friends that we trusted to be disease free. I liked to have the last fuck of the night, especially after she had just fucked the other two and was full of their hot cum!

What is it you liked best about your MFM encounter(s)? We've only had one, but I think I can safely say Mrs. Alura liked me licking her clit while the other guy fucked her from behind best.

I knew I didn't want to be a swinger when my husband first asked about it, and I'm still hold that feeling. Here's the background- H and I will have our 20th anniversary next month but I'm not sure we'll make it to 21. We nearly got divorced about 7 years ago- H felt like he was of a father figure in our marriage and wanted a more "equal partner". I had no idea that he was feeling that way, and it sent me reeling. I was a stay at home mom at the time, and I panicked about the kids and income if we divorced. I started Indiv Counseling and went on Paxil after this- H thought I needed to work on self-esteem issues, plus I had some bad anxiety from the D threat. I stayed on it longer than I needed to because H thought it was helping my "social anxiety". We tried some Marriage Counseling but H thought that the counselor was a crock. Looking back on it now- I was jumping through all the hoops that H wanted to make sure he stayed- Medication being a big hoop. Another hoop- H wanted us to be swingers. He had nagged me about this for 2 or 3 years before the D threat, saying it was just sex, what's the big deal, why not a little variety? My first thought was I love YOU- I don't want someone else! I held onto that for a couple years. During this period when I was feeling emotionally beat up (and on medication!), I finally gave up the fight about it and agreed to try it. I figured we would meet this couple, nothing would happen, we could say we tried and he'd be off my back about it. It didn't work out that way- full swap happened. I could see where the evenings activities were going, and I didn't see a way out. I didn't think NO was an option- H was so excited for this- I knew it would crush him if I backed out. So I drank a lot of goldschlaeger which helped numb things. After the activities were over, I ran to the bathroom and threw up- from the alcohol and the shock of what happened. After we got home, H was feeling "extremely close" to me (in contrast to my emotional sickness), and decided that was a good time to tell me about the one night stands he had while we were in the near-divorce period. All I could say was "Oh.." No screaming, no crying, just numb... A hell of a night. There was no going back after that night. Up until that night, I thought I had been his one and only lover- now there were 4 (me, two one-night stands, and the swing partner). I tried going along with the swinger lifestyle over the last few years, but it made me miserable while it made him happy. It hurts me to see him with another woman, whereas he found it exciting to see me with another man. I didn't want other men, but tried to convince myself that this was something I could do. It didn't work- sometimes the other women could see that in my eyes- a couple of women even pointed it out to H, but he wanted me to keep trying. (While this was going on, I went back to school, got a paralegal certificate to add to my bachelors degree and got a nice job as a paralegal at a law firm downtown. That helped my confidence more than anything.) Over the last couple years, H wanted to branch out from swinging as a couple, to also include swinging separately. Again, I foolishly agreed. I met a couple of nice guys, and started having an EA with both of them. There were no secrets with them, they knew exactly what I was doing. One was even in a similar situation with his own wife. It made me realize what I missing with H- I hadn't realized it before then but I had been distancing myself from him emotionally as a way to deal with the swinging. At this time, H felt that I was retreating into my "shell" again and thought i needed to start taking meds again. No one else in my life thought this- just him- not coworkers, friends, family. I see that he mistook my withdrawal from him specifically as withdrawal from life in general. I started going back to IC in Feb to figure out what I want out of my marriage. Counselor agreed meds were not necessary for me. I can't keep going with the swinging- I told H that I was taking a break from it while i was going to IC. As a compromise, I told him he could f*** whoever he wanted in the meantime, just keep me out of it. I don't think he has, but I know he keeps checking profiles... he'll do it in front of me- he'll work on his laptop while we're sitting in bed. Recently I asked him which was more important to him- our marriage or the freedom to be a swinger. He said he couldn't answer that- he loves me, but he also loves "variety". The weird thing is that we have a good sex life as it is- 3 or 4 times a week. For me it's just sex at this point. The passion is gone from me- I can't kiss him, there is no non-sexual contact, and I just don't have much to say to him. I have really turned my emotions off when it comes to him. Our son graduates HS at the end of May, and I'm holding off any further discussions about swinging until then. After that, I plan to give the ultimatum- me or swinging. But part of me doesn't want to give the ultimatum, and just leave. I don't trust that if he chooses the marriage that he won't erupt again in a few years with buried resentments about it. and I have a lot of resentments of my own right now. Is it so bad to want to keep sex between husband and wife? I thought that was special for us- now I know it's not special to him. His rationale: with others it's just sex, with me it's lovemaking. I can't accept that- I miss the bond we used to have and I'm not sure that it can be recovered, and if it can't- i want to move on. I don't want any drama before the graduation- this is our son's time to shine. Afterwards, this summer is gonna be rough. If anyone has any thoughts, I'm open. In summary- I knew I wasn't a swinger from the get-go, and that's not changing. I'm sorry this post is so long- Thank you for letting me put my thoughts are there. I've been exploring this site trying to understand where my husband is coming from- again, Thank you.