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I read your post more than once this morning and had my wife read it this afternoon. She had the same question I did. Was this “open marriage” a fait accompli to which you acquiesced or was it a decision arrived at through discussion and mutual consent? This is all new to you. New can be spooky. Being nervous is natural. There are many, myself included, that have a hard time responding to others sexually unless I know them well enough. Sometimes that happens fast other times not at all. Relax this is normal. You seem to have a handle on the logical theory of all this. That is only part of it. Your feelings and instincts are also valid portions of you. They have just if not more value than your logic and deserve consideration. There is no “you should” or “you shouldn’t” feel a certain way. You are entitled to feel how you feel and most husbands or wives would work with that. In many marriages that enter the lifestyle, the agreement is that if one party wants out then both are gone. I would say that you have been very generous in the freedoms that you are allowing your husband. So far it sounds like he is getting the Lions share of the deal. There is an adage in the LS that the man may lead a couple into it, but it is the woman who keeps it there. There are many instances in which once she attains a taste for this, the wife runs circles around her husband sexually. You may never acquire the taste, not everyone does. I just mentioned this, because I hope your husband is aware of the possibility, and that it is part of his wish fulfillment list.

Pegasus, I'm seeing warning signs going up here, and I strongly echo much of that lcmim said above. We're only working off of what you have posted, but it appears to me that while your husband has been very forthcoming about his desires, it feels a bit like your acceptance of this is at least partially coerced. It shouldn't be like that, and if it is that is a recipe for disaster. Jealousy is a very, very negative emotion. I won't say that swinger couples don't experience jealousy. That can happen. Even though jealous is a very strong negative emotion and one to be avoided, there is some kernel of wisdom in it that is speaking to you. It is quite possible you are not ready for this, and need your husband to step back and wait for you to catch up (if you do at all, which is a perfectly acceptable outcome). Wanting to conquer your fears is quite admirable. I would wish that for many people. So many people encounter fears and never overcome them. I think this is an active hindrance in many people's lives. Yet, sometimes those fears are telling you things you need to hear; step away from the cliff edge, don't jump out of that plane, etc. This could be one of those times. Only you can determine that. Fears are legitimate concerns that have to be addressed in overcoming them, as sometimes you DON'T want to overcome them. Being a non-participant at a party or a resort is perfectly acceptable. As others have noted, people in the lifestyle are respectful of "no". If they weren't, there wouldn't be a lifestyle like this. If any individuals are not respectful of that, they will be leaving, whether willingly or not. Going to a party, club, or resort you will be safe from any unwanted advances past you saying "No, but thanks for asking!"

Hello Pegasus78, Welcome to the board; you are welcome here and there is nothing that can not be shared here. It sounds like your husband has made his desires/wants very clear to you; perhaps you need to be equally forthcoming to him, even if those desires reflect hesitancy and/or caution. Don't second guess your feelings, accept them. They are a reflection of who you are a where you are and they are dynamic and can, and may potentially change over time. Enjoy the options that the lifestyle may present to you, and do this on your own terms, when and what feels right for you.

In a word … yes! Well, maybe not bluntly, but a simple, “No, thank you … I’m just here to see how I feel about the experience.” is all you owe anybody. If someone pressures you after that, you should notify the party host or club/resort management and it’s *their* responsibility to deal with the offender.

This board is here for you to get advice, ask questions, share experiences, and once you have experience share your advice. Be careful of posters telling you are wrong in your thoughts, your thoughts belong to you and only you can figure if you made a wrong choice. There will be those who say don’t play with friends, don’t play without your spouse, always use protection and many other rules they live by, if you live by others rules you wouldn’t be on here. I have no idea where you are with snow or ice, our Sunday night has my husband watching football with me kind of watching too. I am not the best one to say what it’s like to watch your wife give oral sex, I can only share observations from people we have met. All of our meetings are based around oral sex between two women, me and women who are curious to have a bisexual meeting. I always suggest before meeting that they discuss where our meetings could lead. Some women only want husbands to watch. I emphasize pleasure not intimacy. Not unlike you the others are swinging virgins, scared, nervous and not sure what will happen. My perception is most women equate screwing as the most intimate thing. Most men are thrilled at any sexual contact. None of the people we meet expect my husband to be anything more than a spectator along with the other husband. In almost every meeting the other husband gets involved, in over half my husband gets involved in oral sex either getting or giving on the first or second meeting. We have never had a husband stop his wife stop her from going further, we have had wives stop their husbands from having full sex and from giving oral. Like you every couple is different with different levels of comfort. You are being smart asking and talking about your thoughts with her. I wish we had friends that would have introduced us to our found happiness. None of our long time friends would have been a candidate to play with. We were also afraid to play close to home, we were very secretive. You sound as you are having fun with people you enjoy. Try not to overthink your fun.

No such thing! I know for my part as a guy that it is more difficult for me to cum from oral sex with a woman with whom I do not share deeper emotions. I think subconsciously I think of it as a more intimate act then vaginal sex. Perhaps it is a bit the same with you, in that oral sex is more intimate, and seeing your wife share that with another man was difficult because of that. Whether you did the same thing with another woman right next to her is irrelevant. This is an emotional reaction. Emotions don't speak logic. They are two different languages. It could be that you view vaginal sex as a more physical act and oral sex as a more emotional/intimate act. Seeing your wife engaging in that with another man shows her wanting it, enjoying it, relishing it. With vaginal sex, sure she is enjoying it but it might be internally viewed by you as more of something he is doing to her, rather than something she is doing to him. With oral sex, that's reversed. On an emotional level, that might be more difficult. I wish we had snow. I used to live in areas of the country where real winters happened. Here, we don't get real winters 😕 We did get a touch of snow with the latest storm, but it melted away by the afternoon.

Sorry if I’m posting too much. Saturday night and snowy and we are home. Me watching football, Debbie watching a movie. Aren’t we romantic. There were thoughts our friends would visit us for the long weekend, we normally travel to our hometown to visit and we were excited to host. Weather and Covid last week made plans change. When Debbie and I agreed last month to see how things go the topic of rules came up. It’s friends, what rules can we think of, our sex is pretty tame, very rare rear sex, we didn’t think that would happen, it didn’t. Kissing, we both laughed, were we really going to say no kissing. We came up with a safe word, NO. We agreed if No was said we would both stop. I knew watching was not going to be as easy as I wanted to believe. I knew what was going to happen, oral sex and penetration. In looking back there were no surprises and it went just like the porn we watched, not really, I’m not porn material. I asked Debbie if anything upset her, I posted before she was taken aback being touched by a woman, it was never forced, all good. Debbie asked me how I felt watching. She knew I was watching after I finished before they did, okay I won’t mention that again, damn he has stamina. I told her, remember when it was daylight and we were all talking and you were touching him and then you slipped down, something I always enjoy, I got to watch you give a blow job. I watched you from a different view enjoying and saw him leaning back watching you. I heard you enjoying doing it and I thought that this was more real sex, not just you letting him stroke in and out of you. Do others feel like me that watching your wife going down and not stopping, taking every drop even more sexual than penetration to completion. I never thought that a blow job would be more difficult to accept. I have no regrets that she did it, I did the same not far from her, I’m sort of happy she didn’t stop, I’m just surprised how I reacted inwardly to that. This game is a blow out , thinking to join Debbie in bed for my own blow out. If you are out in the snow or ice be careful.

My husband wanted (and was granted) an open relationship. This still makes me terribly jealous and afraid, but I understand that these are MY emotions, and I am trying to work through them. He has slept with a close friend of mine twice, and I know that he is only in that for the sex, and is not at all in love with her. She is also only in it for the sex, and is absolutely open about anything that I want to know. I am still struggling mightly, but I know this about MY insecurities, not theirs. I also firmly believe in my rational mind that monogamy is a social construct that isn't necessary....and would like to be as emotionally accepting as I am logically accepting. He desperately wants a threesome with me and another woman, which he has had in a prior relationship, and apparently is his favorite thing. He constantly reminds me that he is open to anything I want to try....but I don't know that I want anything yet.....or ever. He is offering to swing....and take me to parties or a resort so I could even just look around and experience the atmosphere. I honestly feel like he is pushing, but I also don't like being afraid of things, so I am tempted to go just to challenge my fears. I am nervous about ANY additional sexual encounters. I am not a sexually adventurous person, and many of my prior experiences with sex have been negative (aka. men trying to force me to do things I didn't want to, including an attempted rape when I was VERY young, which was foiled when I seriously injured the primary offender). I don't have a significant desire to sleep with anyone else....I am vaguely curious, but terrified to even think about it. I don't fantasize about sleeping with other people because I can't manage to trust anyone I don't know fairly well. My friend also tells me I may be demi-sexual....which might explain why I am rarely physically attracted to another person until I get to know them. I am always tense and nervous during my first sexual encounters....which makes orgasm unlikely, and sometimes even makes things painful. It sounds amazing though...the idea that people can be so open and free, and the idea that it could just be "playtime". But I dread the idea of the possible shame, pain, and other emotional stress I am not sure I can handle. I would love to talk to a therapist about it....but they are terribly expensive, and I don't know that my insurance will cover the cost of finding one that won't be judgemental and has ANY clue of how to help someone through this situation. I am in a very rural area and people here would DEFINITELY judge, so I'd have to do something online....which is available, but probably not covered. I want my husband to be happy, and I don't particularly like being afraid, but I am already struggling with my emotions regarding the open relationship. I am a fairly large adrenaline junkie in the remainder of my life, so this surprises everyone who finds out about it. Can you go to a party or a resort and just bluntly tell people no if you only want to hang out? Is there a place I could go and learn safely without being pressured to do anything? Any words of wisdom? Advice? I want to be better than I am about this.

Today's NY Times Magazine cover story is on sex in old age. Not targeted at swingers, but the life-affirming theme will resonate with all of the seniors on this board. https://www.nytimes.com/2022/01/12/magazine/sex-old-age.html

So this weekend was our first* time swinging. *not actually our first as we’ve had a couple of other encounters but this was our first organised time at a club. I was nervous, worried, obviously excited, but all the fears were wiped away within the first half an hour. I found my people ! I honestly feel that way. They are so honest, so genuine, so welcoming. I mean I love my friends and family but there’s just no way I could be open to them about swinging, or even just sex for hat matter. Just the ease and honesty of conversation was so refreshing, one conversation was about anal sex, I’m a big fan, we talked, we laughed, we shared stories, no judgment, to jealousy, it was simply incredible. If I dared raise anal sex with my friends and think they’d giggle and shut the conversation down. I love the openness with these people. See, I love this lifestyle, these people, and I haven’t even mentioned the sex yet because everything else was just, well it was just perfect. And yes we did hook up with someone and yes it was great, and yes we met them privately again the next day, and yes that was even better. But this whole weekend was about more than just the sex, it was about the people, it was about how my husband and I, after I had doubts, connected on such an incredible level. I’d love one day to write a detailed diary entry about this weekend as it’s something I’ll never forget or regret. It’s the start of a new chapter, the start of a chapter where we can be who we are and not have to temper that to pander to friends. I still love my friends and I guess at the end of the day we’ll have to tone things down around them but my new friends, all of them, have given us such a gift by allowing us be us essentially. I can’t wait until next time.

This forum is called the Swingers Board and members here have experience in that topic / dynamic. Any advice you receive will likely come from that perspective. What is normal or appropriate in the very broad world of swinging may not at all apply to the norms of an open marriage. Just be careful to not conflate the two topics. You may need to read up on both if nothing more than to understand what you have already agreed to... This is true for everyone, including your husband. Fantasy and pillow talk is one thing, but nobody knows how they will respond until they find themselves in the actual situation. An FFM threesome may be every man's fantasy - then, one day he is in bed with two gorgeous willing women and he can't maintain an erection. Or, he convinces his wife to try swinging, against her better judgement she agrees. Fast forward: she is getting fucked very well by a handsome man with skills who makes her orgasm over and over - now the hubby is jealous and resentful of his wife enjoying herself. Equally possible is: he is not only turned-on but truly happy for his wife and lover for having a wonderful time together. The point is - you cannot know until you try it. No one here can tell you how you will feel or respond.

I posted a similar thought about my wife, the difference was she didn’t give the blow job because she felt it wasn’t right. The think is she starts most mornings giving me a blow job and she claimed when she was younger she gave blow jobs to all her dates, gave me one on our first date. Another thing similar is our first swing was with friends too, my biggest fear was kissing, the fear went away as did her not giving blow jobs. We joke about it now, who doesn’t have oral during sex? My biggest concern with swinging was it was my wife’s idea, she colluded with our friends to get me swap with them. I thought she had played with them before I agreed You can’t control your thoughts. Watching her have fun is the thing, and now she is having fun with everything.

I am impressed with your ability to separate your emotional fears from the rationale/logical and speak to both very clearly. Bravo. You can indeed attend a resort to just hang out. And, you won't be 'pressured'. Check out Desire - couples only, clothing optional resorts in Cancun. There are two: Pearl and Riviera Maya. Of the couples who attend I would guess 1/3 are active swingers, 1/3 are nudists and 1/3 are folks who just like being around other openminded people in a sexy environment. They may be toe dippers and open to some light play or not. Biggest rule in this pastime is no means no. It is rarely violated and would be grounds for removal at Desire. You might be approached - no need to be blunt - just polite no thanks is all that is required. Great opportunity to observe but also talk with other couples who likely have struggled with some of your same emotions and made their way to the other side. Another thought is to check out some podcasts. Lot's of great advice on many of the things you might encounter in this hobby. There are many, but We've Gotta Thing is a good place to start. If you can track down Swinger Diaries that would be excellent as well.

I believe if your a adrenalin junkie. you will love it. your just afraid if losing control and being judge. reality is you will get more attention than your husband , so hope he likes watching you get pleasured

Agree! We too, would much rather hang out with our swinger friends than our vanilla friends. Glad your week was good.

Wow!! Our first time at a swingers club last night (Friday Australia time) and wow!!!! It was so much better than I could have imagined. Not even talking about sex, just the people, real people, people like us, people that you can be open with, can freely talk about sex with, can express your desires with, even if that desire is that I like you and want to be with you without judgment from your partner, their partner or people around you. It was totally refreshing. I think I’ve found my people. I was worried going in that people were going to be off in their groups with friends and it would be hard to break in but everyone was so welcoming. No-one was sleezy. I never felt any pressure. It could not have been a better night. We only played with one couple. A couple I guess, I don’t know if there’s different terminologies in the swinging scene, they come as a couple but are just friends with benefits. They approached us and it just felt right and soon enough we were heading to a room. The other guy had performance issues and soon left us alone, I wanted to finish it there but they both assured us we should continue. I am so glad we did. I cannot put into words how much of a turn on it was to watch my husband totally into her (and her into him). I’m sure no-one wants the details but I just want to say one thing, being in a 69 with her watching my husband penetrate her doggy was the single most erotic thing I have ever done in my life. We were so switched on to each other that we all came at the same time. I’m so happy how it worked out and how I now know my husband will participate. He was worried that I didn’t get to play with a guy but if every situation ends up like that one I will be the happiest woman alive. We exchanged phone numbers and she messaged to wish us a good morning and asked us out for “dinner and whatever happens afterwards” tonight. It’s quick but we couldn’t say no. I guess from what I’ve learned that there is no normal but does this sound too quick? Well I’m off the get my hair done, I don’t even have any nerves, I’m just so excited.

My public service announcement which I’ve made before: if you are under 45 years old, get vaccinated for HPV. One less thing to worry about. We are too old for it.

All of this is true. Yet it's also a difference of degree. The CDC rates the risk of HIV transmission by oral sex, on a scale of "per 10,000 exposures", as simply "low" - too low to measure. While there is absolutely a theoretical mode of transmission, the risk is also often described as a statistical zero, because researchers are frequently unable to find an actual case in their data to count. As njbm notes, condoms are much less effective for certain other incurable (though treatable) STDs. I have seen less research on herpes infection that attempts to measure risk by sex act, possibly because herpes is so prevalent that it's very difficult to trace transmission to specific encounters. It's also infectious enough that the risk of transmission from an asymptomatic person may only be half that of a symptomatic person, and condom use may only reduce the risk of transmission from an asymptomatic person by about half of that. We're not talking about 99.9% effectiveness, here. That doesn't mean throw caution to the wind, just that if you're going to work your way through a significant number of partners over time, exposure is probably unavoidable to the point that it's a genuinely questionable fun-vs-safety tradeoff. Mrs. E is one of the most meticulously clean people I've ever met, yet her take on it was that she'd never sucked on a condom before and wasn't going to start. If there's any doubt at all about a person's lifestyle and practices, or anything unusual at all like a skin ulcer, that they seem potentially high-risk, we're simply not including those people in play, condoms or not.

My opinion is if it helps marginally, why not use it? It can’t hurt. Sort of like wearing a mask for covid. Probably helps, not a terrible burden to wear one, has to beat nothing. I will add that condoms are of dubious help to prevent HPV and HSV. Some swingers are pious that they use condoms for safe sex, but extramarital sex is not safe sex.

It’s Football season and the Rose Bowl didn’t stop me from finishing before Debbie’s partner. I want to say he’s my hero and knows the statistics of every Hall of Famer.

What was she thinking the first time she had sex with another woman? I am guessing she was thinking yes this is finally happening, because it is something she wanted to do for most of her life! I was thinking I am really happy for her to get to experience her full sexuality with no guilt or remorse. I have seen her with women many times now and can honestly say it isn’t a big deal to me as it was not my fantasy in the first place. I mean it is always great seeing her having sex with other people, but I actually enjoy seeing her have sex with other men more.

It is just a meet and greet, not a paid hotel room for the 4 of you. There will be other couples, maybe some that you already know. You can always just meet and greet them and then move along to the other couples that you are more attracted to.