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Do to our relationship and open discussion we never had an issue. In 20+ years we have experienced very few issues with others, not involving us, that often was fueled by alcohol, or couples that probably didn’t have a strong communicative relationship. But that has only been a small handful of people.

Davidia, The question was has it done damage to your relationship. The answers have been directed to that question. Your point that it can, is worth mentioning, and the referral you gave is to the point. I do think any of us who have had no damage, would also argue the point that maturity, proper preparation and proper mindset are the reasons that is so. The cautions are given here over and over, that while good for some the LS still does bear the onus of real danger to those who enter for the wrong reasons or lack a sound relationship in the first place.

I am guilty of liaisons with several business associates. Traveling for a good portion of my life I have many lonely nights in strange hotel beds. Pen in an inkwell or as my father said dipstick in an engine, or shitting where you eat, I shied away from anything more than a business dinner or after work drink when one client became a little forward with our dinner banter that led to a first time stray. That first time has led to us planning my trips based on her availability. I am aware this is not swinging, it was outright cheating that led to other travel liaisons, some with other associates, some with women who I met along the way. Inevitably my wife caught on that led to home problems, marital counseling and ultimately an open marriage. For quite sometime she had her affairs and I had mine until we decided to include me in her play with others.

I'm not a guy, but I pretty well know how guys work, including when they're near orgasm and when they've ejaculated, even if it's just a little because he's cum already. If I let a guy in me, it's only polite to let him finish. Even if I came ahead of him, it's almost always enjoyable taking the additional ride. Or offer oral. So yeah, I agree that there is a problem here.

Not at all! Had strong relationship with awesome communication before we started and still do.

Absolutely not. Then again we had been together almost 40 years and this was the next adventure. Starting too early or outside of a well grounded relationship could be a problem.

Many of the most enjoyable things we can do entail some degree of risk. But these folks were playing with fire in a number of ways, but primarily two: Playing with work colleagues, and particularly where one is the supervisor of the other. Second, there appears to be good evidence that despite the principal’s denial, she and her employee/partner at least once did have sex on school property. All I can say is that passion tends to make us think and act like idiots. (My observation is that longtime lifestyle veterans are better at not engaging in socially risky sex.) Yes, in retrospect it was stupid beyond belief for the principal to bring in others in the organization to check out whether her FWB had bugged her office. From outside the situation you have to ask yourself how she could have thought this action could possibly have ended up any way other than in disaster. But in my own work life this happened to a colleague about 20 years ago, a bit after I’d left the company to take another position. Ours was the U.S. branch of a premium global transportation products company. There were about 1,300 employees in the headquarters office, so it had a rigid organizational structure, where there wasn’t a lot of flexibility. My colleague, who had been well-known for her extramarital activities prior to her divorce, had engaged in a sexual relationship with the woman who was her secretary. My colleague was pretty cute, so it’s not like she’d be hard-pressed to find sexual partners, Hooking up with the woman who worked most closely under her was quite stupid. Even more stupid was leaving a folder on the desktop of her company computer containing explicit photos of her sexually engaged with her secretary, where an IT guy servicing that company computer could easily find it. He attempted to extort sexual favors from her. Now, she was fucked, but not in a good way. She turned the IT guy in to HR. He got fired. But then she was forced to resign as well. I don’t know what became of her secretary, but that woman’s life around the office couldn’t have been good after that. (For sure she had the whip hand though. Based on other things I saw happen at the company during my tenure, if she would agree to leave quietly I’m sure the company would have been willing to cut her a check for several hundred thousand dollars to sign a release and an NDA, plus great recommendations.) At least no one in the debacle at my former company wound up in a salacious report on the local TV news broadcast. My former colleague landed on her feet, getting a better job in a different business than the one she lost. We are Facebook friends and more than 20 years later she appears to be flourishing. I doubt it will go so smoothly for the folks from Petra;s post. None of them are likely to be able to move across the country and find employment in a major entertainment talent management company.

A therapeutic relationship is a two-way street (or should if you are not in old-style psychoanalysis.) If you have not already done so, you might wish to ask your therapist to expand on how they see your obsession as dangerous. Is there concern that you are literally putting yourself in physical danger, al a "Looking For Mr. Goodbar"? Or that you may be putting your relationship with your husband at risk? Perhaps that you will become so entirely focused on this one sexual modality that you will be unable to be satisfied in other ones? if you have already followed up with your therapist, what did they say? Based on how you have described some of your interactions with your therapist, I assume they are not horrified that you and your husband have an ENM relationship. Still, as a group psychotherapists tend to overall reflect societal norms and may be less open to non-traditional sexual matters than they think they are. Have you specifically discussed this with your therapist?

This is really an issue of boundaries. In an earlier time, there was an aphorism about not "Dipping one's pen in company ink", meaning that workplace liaisons were fraught and should be avoided. This from a time that pens actually required inkwells for writing... As earlier commenters have noted, putting adults in close proximity has a non-zero probability of sexual attraction. It doesn't happen everywhere all of the time, but it will inevitably happen somewhere some of the time. At least these liaisons did not involve students. Consenting adults can do what they want...but...not wherever they want. It ought to be clear to everyone that workplace behaviors are visible and scrutinized. The particulars here--exposure of the liaison followed an accusation of workplace 'spying'--should be sufficient to reinforce the wisdom of the aphorism mentioned above.

We don’t go looking for random non-swingers to meet even if we see a great looking couple at a bar or restaurant, I have wondered what a specific couple that we find attractive would be like if we approached. Being attracted to new partners is exciting and the guessing of what is going to happen or what is under those pretty clothes can be considered an obsession. The first time we get naked with others is something that is very exciting for me as it is for others who were honest when we met. I am guessing that the dangerous part that was mentioned is picking up several younger men who can easily overcome the husband.

Your therapist expressed safety concerns on the who and how you are finding these random men. She is aware Mike is there with you yet expresses concern. I wonder if it’s not so much as him protecting you but beyond that? I wonder if the risk adds to the obsession/fantasy element? When you are fantasizing about this is there a particular reaction from the stranger that you lean in to? Would role playing it be fun for you?

Physical and emotional/sexual characteristics of mine that I used to be ashamed of are attributes others find attractive and I am now proud of. Joining this forum, describing my desires, practices, and body (as well as sharing my opinions) was freeing and gave me confidence.

Go ahead and spill your thoughts all you want. You shouldn’t care what the fuck others think if it makes you free. We are here to share so go share. Us guys want to know what women want and think. I love eating pussy like you love sucking.

My Obsession is having oral sex with random men not controlling them. Most men think they are controlling me because I asked them to allow me to act out my wants. They don’t know my why or my thinking when I am acting out. Our therapist and Michael have heard me describe my feelings during our meetings with all types of men. Others have described similar feelings as being out of body or possibly out of mind feelings. I wish I were able to describe what I’m thinking to those reading this without afraid of some denigrating me and my wonderful husband.

I may be paraphrasing. What concerns her is who we are meeting and the way we find them. Mike doesn’t feel he is Hotwifing, a new phrase for us. He says he enjoys that men find me attractive though that is the primary reason he enjoys watching as his comments lean to the enjoyment I get when I am with these strangers. He doesn’t want to see me hurt physically. He has stopped guys who became sadistic. He knows the signals and my limits.

She is being judgmental saying that. So long as it's what you and your husband want and it doesn't interfere with the rest of your life, what is the problem? That is a great attitude. Lots of guys in the lifestyle are like that. They are showing off what they have, which is a very desirable partner. Some guys like what others may think of as hurtful or emasculating. Ask Michael about what he thinks the line is between what he wants and what he would find objectionable, you may be surprised. While no one in my group is disrespectful to another, there are men and women who like to be "challenged" on their sexual adequacy, it gets them going. Myself, I've made it clear to Daniela that I don't care what she says to another man (or woman) about how good they are or that she loves them as she orgasms. So, you never know what's going through a guy's mind.

Telling a doctor is not that easy for me. My original OB/GYN delivered my children years ago who has since retired just like many of our other doctors. I never found going to him a pleasant thing not for any real reason. His replacement was a female who has also retired. A few years ago a younger female doctor who is very sweet and thorough is also an Orthodox Jewish mother. I have no doubts of her capabilities or knowledge I just have an unreasonable shyness discussing my sex life with her.

Some on this board are aware that I trained at the doctoral level as a clinical psychologist prior to pursuing a very different career. I agree with the comments made in this thread thread that singles and/or couples who are in therapy (other than, in my opinion, for strictly behavioral matters like quitting smoking) should be candid with their therapists about all aspects of their lives, even if they don’t necessarily seem relevant to the presenting issue when beginning therapy. That said, not every person who hangs out a shingle as a therapist is as open-minded as you might wish. Even if they don’t see their own blind spots they may, outside their awareness, have blind spots. And while they should be getting supervision on all their cases to help them see those blind spots, that isn’t always the case. There are more therapists out there — particularly but not only in the case of pastoral counseling — who might say (and think) they are accepting of a client’s unconventional sexual/affectional life, but see it as a problematic aspect in the relationship. All else being equal (and of course that’s not always the case) I think it’s wise to choose a therapist who specifically states in their public-facing communications that they work with clients whose sexuality is outside the mainstream. Failing that, as others here have suggested, bring the subject up in your initial meeting with the therapist. And ask about their values around consensual non-monogamy. You can find lifestyle-friendly therapist through Google searches. It took me about 30 seconds to find an example: https://www.bethfirestein.com/alternative-lifestyles/

Not true with me. I can please a woman sitting on my face while being in another.

My participation in gangbangs as you have described them — one woman and a lineup of men serially taking turns with her — is limited to one instance. I reckon there are examples where a woman is essentially being degraded for her male partner’s enjoyment, and perhaps to satisfy her own masochistic desires. But that wasn’t my experience. In my case the woman was being attended by a couple of guys alongside her on the bed. They made sure she was staying hydrated and that after each "banger" finished she was ready for another round. By my observation she was enjoying herself (and I assume her husband was.) I don’t know how many men she entertained that night at the club; when my FWB and I wandered into the bedroom where this was happening there was already a line of about five ahead of me and when I finished there were five more guys waiting their turn. From my own perspective a gangbang should be about addressing the desires primarily of the recipient and secondarily of her regular partner. I realize that at parties men may sometimes want to "save themselves up" so their libido isn’t depleted too early in the evening. That said, and assuming the event is about addressing the woman’s fantasy of "satisfying" a large group of men and thereby reinforcing her sense of sexual empowerment, I think it is almost rude for the men visiting her not to orgasm. And lastly, it’s also rude for them to take their participation as an opportunity to demonstrate to those who are spectating (or receiving) how long they can last while pounding the recipient’s pussy. The point is to run up her numbers, not injure for. Get in, get off and get out — this isn’t primarily about you. As a side note, one of my wife’s college roommates and her husband were swingers bin San Francisco in the 1970s. She and I often spoke about sexual matters. She once boasted to me that in one day she had had 25 men. I didn’t ask her for the details at the time. Later she and my wife had a falling out, so my curiosity about the specifics of that episode will likely never be satisfied.

I enjoy being the focus of the attention of the men we are with. I never thought I was being gangbanged if we pick up two or three men, I always thought of gangbang as a line of men waiting to bang with no care for me. Now I’m thinking we have had that scenario I just never thought of it as a gang bang. We share the fantasy of me being with others even if it’s not the sole fantasy we share. I enjoy giving oral to multiple men and Michael enjoys watching.

If it's two guys, I prefer one on one. If it's a woman and a guy, or two other women, then a threesome.