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The reason I wanted to hear from couplers is that she is the most clearly defined "poly" contributor on this list. Before generalising on this her input was important. What I am seeing in the answers above: Your questions and concerns are genuine reasonable and reality facing. 1. You may be letting the term poly throw you. 2.Try considering this in terms of just normal human to human relationships. 3. If the situation has changed from what you have accepted and expected, then it is time to reexamine. 4. Talk this out with your partners. Perhaps some mutually satisfactory clarity can be had. 5.If this can not be worked out to everyone's happiness, then it may be time to move on.

We would never use the site personally! I imagine the quality of people you would find on there is shitty! Unless you don’t think people that lie and cheat are low quality people. Don’t think there is much safe about playing with people that don’t even respect their own partner. What kind of respect are they going to show complete strangers? Pretty sure if they are okay lying to their spouse they are not going to have much problem lying to you about any disease they might be carrying.

I am flattered by your wanting me to give my view on this. Two points. As with many terms in the general non-monogamous lifestyle, the words “poly” and “polyamorous” mean different things to different people and get thrown around loosely. For us, it defines our family as being very tightly bonded by emotions, love, sex, children, finances, and a shared home. Although we can’t have a traditional marriage among us (and don’t expect society and the legal system to recognize us as a married fivesome), we have tried to cement the bonds among all of us by a number of other means to achieve the same ends with agreements drawn up by lawyers, accountants, insurance policies, tax experts, commonly owned real estate. We even have plans vetted by our attorneys of who should marry among us if certain things (like death) should happen. It helps that every child is biologically the products of a mix of only us in the family. In short, for us “poly” means as tightly together as possible. But there are plenty of other interpretations given in the posts above and no official definition anywhere. Second, it is up to you, and only you, to decide what is right for you. If the couple that you are involved with is changing the arrangement among you all in any way (emotional, sexual, financial) you all need to talk about it. If it no longer suits you, leave. I, and all the others in my family put the others first, most especially the children. We are all generous with the others in our family. If you are not getting the respect to which you are entitled - honesty, transparency, fairness – have a serious conversation. If it is not what you want, you must be prepared to move on. It doesn’t matter what you call it – poly, a throuple, polygamy, fuck buddies, friends with benefits, swingers – the point by point attributes of you relationships with both of them must align with your needs and desires. Your concerns are genuine. Choose the best course.

None of the above mentioned…..

Every arrangement can vary, but it doesn't sound like you are in a 'poly' relationship to me. They are evolving as a couple - you can evolve with them or cut them loose.

Yes, wasn't Ashley Madison the site that used a bunch of fake profiles to make it look like more people used their site. A couple of years ago they were hacked and users names were exposed. Wouldn't touch it!

So did you do the golden shower? I do golden showers in the shower, no mess easy clean up.

My wife and i were playing with another couple. The other wife asked us if I would eat her, while she was getting fucked reverse cowgirl, by her husband. I aim to please. My wife gave permission but said that they'd have to reciprocate. It was a huge turn-on for the lady, fulfilled a fantasy and fun for all.

Never in a swap, but I did have a vanilla date look me dead in the eyes once over dinner and go... "Do you like to cut hair?" "...hmm? Like, with scissors? I don't think I know ho-" "No, like, violently. Hold me down and cut my hair off. With a kitchen knife or something." That was a new one on me. I did not do it.

One must give the guy credit for his devotion. She has a mental disease as well. It's not the promiscuous sex itself, but the self-destructive ignoring of the danger.

An excellent, succinct post. You covered it all in four points.

A carefully screened single male from our swinger's website or a lucky find "in the wild", but never a friend, coworker or family member.

I found women look to other women to share more than men look to men.

While the word "polyamorous" was used by you, it sounds like what you might have actually been in was a closed monogamous swinging relationship (swinging within a closed group). Polyamorous (at least to us) by definition involves 'many loves' (while there might be a principle couple, all involved are truly involved and decisions are a group choice with love and respect for all opinions)...what you have described doesn't sound like the love extended outside of the principle couple. They were swinging within a small group and now they have decided to open that group up further to more people. That leaves you with only one choice: stay or leave the group. We too are waiting on Couplers to chime in here...

The following is from a VERY limited exposure to Poly relationships, from the outside looking in. Much of the dynamics revolving around a standard issue marriage and a Poly family, as far as power relationships, seem to run the same in terms of range. This is somewhere between total control by one to total immersion of those involved. An mundane example would be a new car was purchased . Did it just show up in the driveway or was it a consensus decision. OR If my wife or I take a lover, is it a mutual decision or announced as a fiat accompli. It sounds to me, from your description, that your particular poly pairing is not in the consensus mode. The term you used "collective" keeps waving a little flag. Way back in the days , when my generation "invented sexual freedom", we sometimes used that term describing a commune. They too often had sexual mobility between the members. Decision matters where handled in any number of different ways. The word family was not often used. ( In ours , new members were introduced to the group as a a friend. After some period of vetting , someone would suggest that they be included, consensus carried the day. In one I visited in Arizona, group reception was welcomed , but the power of inclusion rested in the hands of one person.) "Poly" gets thrown around fairly casually, almost to the point of being meaningless as a specific type. Collective might be an accurate term for you. The collection might be continuing ,based of their needs not yours as an equal. Originally did the terms of engagement give you an equal input into their personal relationship or were you an elevated FWB who lived with them as a guest in their opening marriage? How would it be received if you decided to take a lover, without asking and getting a green light? I really hope couplers pipes up on this thread.

Unlike the Swinger Lifestyle polyamory and polygamist relationships are far more complicated. There are relationships, feelings, a deeper connection/friendship that can happen in the swinger LS when couples/single/solo participants become common and steady playmates. It can border a polyamorist lifestyle to some degree but the couple involved maintains a primary relationship but not necessarily exclusive relationships. Some poly relationships also include the swing lifestyle while remaining emotionally attached to primary partners. Most often polygamy does not include Swinging or partners outside their family environment. Developing a loving, connected, emotional relationship in monogamy is challenging enough. Sharing, growing together establishing a life together and goals the give and take in relationship for two compounds greatly when three….four….five or more are attempted. Certainly doable. Certainly can be very loving, supportive etc as with any monogamous relationship and like that relationship has to be equal across the three….four or more. In our experience we have both had relationships that developed with another but in the end did not become a forever relationship do to individual needs. With our additional developing female relationships one younger wanted children that I/we could not provide. Later an older relationship after two years, very close and loving…family health issues took her out of state for those family obligations. With the male relationship all was growing well and looking like a living arrangement in the near future……and circumstances beyond our control and his brought to a very sad and abrupt stop…..a sad loss. Communication and open sharing (not sexual) is a must and constant checking in with each other, sharing thoughts and concerns, needs, desires…..and the big issue, time. How to share time, time with, emotional and support time. And another big hurtle……..open. Being out as a thruple or quad etc. Because hiding it is the first step to distraction. we know personally several expanded living relationships that involve multiples. More that were called poly….but in reality only extended sex partner based that never really grew….or had a chance to. Number of “family members” the gender mix never really factored in. Nor did sexual interests/identity. What did work was the communication, emotional mix, commitment and willingness to give to each other what is needed at the moment. Again, not talking about sex. It is our belief that many “poly” relationships seem to all revolve around a third for sex. Not a committed poly relationship. As such someone is bound to be hurt, not get what they really need from a relationship…..devotion, emotional support and growth. A true three or more way relationship. And again not talking about sex. That is totally sepperate.

There is remarkable truth here. "Feelings/concerns of being judged negatively" is, in short form, vulnerability. It's not just a matter of "getting comfortable with being vulnerable"--there is a transition to self-worthiness and positivity in many matters, sex being just one of them. Your observation mirrors ours: when we are among other LS couples, the women gravitate to each other not for protection (as seems often the case in vanilla settings) but rather find strength in themselves sharing their experiences with others. It's a different dynamic.

If it sounds like a duck…..

Awesome advice here. My husband was like your GF, interested, hot, loved the idea, but totally concerned with the real deal. I was extremely patient and over much time we learned to play wonderfully together. After many years, once mu husband joined in the first many times, he was like your wife. After the face he was like, "Whhaaaaaaa did I just do?" Amen Amen Amen to this! So much wisdom in these posts from everyone. Now for the good and the bad - be prepared - duh duh duh duuuunnnnn. One of my best friends in college (yes a guy) married an awesome tiny sexy hot little thing. According to them both they had an incredible sex life. No children after 8 years and the sex was crazy good they say. Then my friend got the bug of wanting to see her taking multiple cocks. He didn't tell me until years later. He talked 5 of his friends into being fuck buddies. The deal was to use condoms with her if they are having sex with anyone else. If they were clean and not having sex with anyone else, condomless was preferred. He introduced it into role play and she enjoyed it, he spoke to her about it a little bit off and on, they used multiple sex toys eventually adding sex machines, they both say her orgasms were bigger and better. He figured, time to ask. His friends were still on board and he popped the question. She said yes to his request asking him how many at one time catching him by surprise. She was delighted with the number. He was again surprised. She began to push him to set the date. A month later they had a 3 day weekend planned. 6 guys, his wife, 3 days. I know you are talking adding one guy but what happened is still plausible. She told me years later that it was the most eye opening and body awakening experience of her life. He told me it was the hardest weekend of his life. So as many have said, take it slow, let her lead, and be very careful of what you wish for, you may get it and a whole lot more. According to them both, over the past several years they have had a consistent trains, gangbangs, and groups of men. His interest exploded into events. He says it got out of hand day one and is still out of control but he can’t slow down the express. From her side of it the stories are downright orgasmic, from him its more of - he is along for the ride barely able to keep up.

If she isn't interested when you have suggested it, then the outcome is probably already determined and you have been watching too much porn. This is a train wreck looking for a place to happen. Don't do it unless she is on board.

Have you ever raised a garden? One thing I keep hearing is "Well sown is half Grown." Getting results takes time and preparation. Your question reads like you want to go directly to the harvest. I believe that most of us who have been here for a bit have taken the time to properly put things in the ground. Let her know that you desire this. Wait for awhile. If the occasion arises you can allude to it without pushing. If she expresses any interest you can reassure her that you are serious about it , with no repercussions for her. Maybe you can offer that you would be willing to explore this with her, or be open to her researching it. Patience, Patience, Patience.

The odds of this happening are asymptotically zero. I only use Feeld these days to find prospective partners, but years ago I was more into the hotwife scene as the third for couples. I had modest success with AFF & SLS as a way of connecting with couples who "said" they were looking for a male third. For every couple with whom I had a successful sexual episode there were one or two guys where as the text discussion went on it turned out the guy wanted me to help them persuade (or seduce) their wife/partner, who either wasn’t on board or didn’t even know this was what her husband/partner had in mind. I couldn’t imagine such a scenario ever working out and as soon it became apparent that was the situation, I tapped out.

This is really an issue of boundaries. In an earlier time, there was an aphorism about not "Dipping one's pen in company ink", meaning that workplace liaisons were fraught and should be avoided. This from a time that pens actually required inkwells for writing... As earlier commenters have noted, putting adults in close proximity has a non-zero probability of sexual attraction. It doesn't happen everywhere all of the time, but it will inevitably happen somewhere some of the time. At least these liaisons did not involve students. Consenting adults can do what they want...but...not wherever they want. It ought to be clear to everyone that workplace behaviors are visible and scrutinized. The particulars here--exposure of the liaison followed an accusation of workplace 'spying'--should be sufficient to reinforce the wisdom of the aphorism mentioned above.

When it was just hubby David, my boyfriend Red, and me having an MFM, hubby would always let Red go first. I thought he was being polite. As David explained it, however, it was because he would rather be in his pre-orgasm excited state watching me fucking Red and take sloppy seconds rather than watching after he had cum. Now, with Lora and Clair in our family, there's no order or preferences.

I thought I'd check in with them and see how they were doing. She is having lots of amazing sex to hear it from her. She failed to tell me that they have contracted several diseases. My long time friend told me. He has been upset by the whole ordeal since the beginning. Last time they had sex together was over a month ago, she's to busy with other men. She doesn't care what she is passing around or to whom. He is. He did not offer me any details about what they have. He did answer my question, "Why do you stay with her?" He looked so sad, "I love her, I wanted this, I opened the door, I don't know how to close it." I asked one more, "Are you going to tell your friends about everything?" "I am, but she is with more than them now," my very distraught friend.