Leaderboard

The question surfaces more commonly than one might expect, albeit in an indirect form. The most common way that it comes to us is from one (or both) of a couple on the cusp of marriage. They have observed that we are still married to one another, still very much in love, are pretty public about displays of affection for each other. Some know that we take 'adult vacations' in the form of LS cruises. But the question is pretty consistent: "You have known one another for 48 years, married for 41+. You are (among the) happiest couple(s) we know of any age. What did/do you do to make that happen?" More to the point "How do we get what you've got?" Our answer is quite consistent: we focus on shared values. Early in our relationship, we decided to focus on Honesty, Affection, Trust, Communication, and Honoring the other as an individual. (There's a mnemonic in the first letters.) Nothing in there about monogamy because monogamy is a behavior that emerges from values. And there is nothing in those values that prescribes this or that expression of sexuality. Monogamy may make sense at times in the relationship. Ethical non-monogamy may make sense at other times. What cannot be compromised, though, are those foundational values of being honest with ourselves and each other, keeping the communication wide open regardless of discomfort, and earning the trust to do the right thing for the relationship every day. We do not think it makes sense to be prescriptive about sexual expression. We do think it makes sense to explain and embrace the idea that a long-term relationship is a commitment to grow alongside another human being. Whether you grow with or grow apart from that other human being really depends on whether you share and hew to foundational values. Sexual desire --needs and wants--are going to change across the decades, and not always in the same direction or at the same rate. So will incomes, health, parental needs as they sicken and die, and so on. Our advice to young people and our former selves? 1. Never miss a chance to tell your partner how special they are to you, how much you value your shared life. 2. Foreplay is 24 x 7 x 365 3. Commit to listening--really listening--to each other's needs/wants/desires. 4. Helping each other realize their dreams and fantasies and finding happiness in their joy is a renewable source for positive relationship energy.

I disagree with the entire premise of the question. I would not try to steer someone, especially a young someone, into any of these directions. I would discuss all of them (as we plan to do with our daughter before she becomes sexually active) and let her know that choice is hers and hers alone. Importantly, you don't have to choose a single path. A person can start down one path, like the one option proposed, seeking and being monogamous then swinging. You can also go the other way, as many do, having a multiple-partner, non-monogamous life, then settling into a monogamous marriage. Then maybe swinging again after a while. Or not. My two wives show this. After only a few partners each (nothing wild), my first wife Betsy and I were monogamous for twenty years of marriage. We had a great sex life, even during and after the divorce for a while. My wife now Daniela who is twenty-five years younger than me has had many partners of both sexes, overlapping lovers, married lovers, etc. That is the life that she chose and it's worked out wonderfully. We were monogamous for a short while, until I recognized that she missed the sexual variety and quantity that she used to have, so she played and I stayed monogamous. Then she wanted me involved (MFM), then we did couples swaps, until now we are in a closed group of married couples. My ex-wife knows that Daniela and I swing, and we three have talked about whether Betsy and I should have talked about it and explored when we were married. To summarize: yes, talk honestly about all of the possibilities, don't put one above the other, and tell him or her that your feelings and attitude will likely change, perhaps more than once. Most importantly, be safe. Not just the usual things, but also your emotions. The first, second, tenth person that you date and fuck may make you feel crazy, but be realistic.

My opinion was beginning to form that people are not monogamous and from the time of our sexual awakening we shouldn’t try to force ourselves into societal and religious constructs. However, a number of recent posts have led me to question this. Most people on this forum are older couples who married first, then entered the lifestyle, most quite successfully. (I say “lifestyle” rather than “swinging” to include all forms of non-monogamy.) Young single people/couples are not much of a presence here. Those who have appeared aren’t here long-term (but maybe they get bored with this forum, not the lifestyle). So I ask: What advice would you give to a young adult (or your former self, if you could) regarding the best approach to sexuality?

I suppose we will see. We do have a fun time with LS friends and don't always get sexual... We do 75%+ of the time though, lol.

I chose the fourth statement as I think it most describe the actual pathetic the majority of those young adults (as well as those of older adults her) as we mature and grow mentally, emotionally and physically til we reach that point that we connect with that someone we want to share our lives with. The society limitations and “rules” imposed on us, globally, restricts but does not stop emotional and physical experimentation, it just goes under ground, a guarded secret. But still happens in all age groups. How wonderful would it be if just acceptance at all levels just is, was the norm. But human behavior being what it is….”cheating” would still occur….sadly…..just cause. But overall I think it would be a better world.

First, I am going to ask the young adults to have sex, and enjoy it. I have the understanding that many of our young adults are not participating in sex, especially young adult males. I have 3 adult kids and I hope their sex life has been as adventurous as mine. I wasn't looking to swing when I got started. However the young adults enjoy their sex, just have it.

Just like you, I dont block the "natural progression" from happening, and it has happened several times. Good thing , S.O. is polyamorous too like myself. But usually, i wait until I'm satisfied that it is multi-dimensional before progressing it into a formal relationship. Only after that time that I allow bareback sex under safe conditions. But the safe condition is not foolproof so there is fertility risks too so I need some form of commitment from a partner to assume that risk. Im not on a chemical-based bc, so condom is a must for me when swinging.

Wow, thanks for the correction. I really misjudged her and the situation. Drinking, drugs are signs of problems and disaster ahead for anyone, so I understand how she could be a mess. And running off friends and family makes it even worse. Indeed, her situation is sad because of substance abuse and inability to form relationships. But I don’t see promiscuity itself as the problem (it is inherent in swinging) nor is her requirement that men she dates be in the lifestyle (the man who married me accepted my boyfriend). It is the destructive baggage of drugs, self-centeredness, and immaturity. It is interesting that you put up with it for a time. Looking at the profiles here, most people in the lifestyle are older, married first then got into it. My concept of the self-confident, self-sufficient, empowered young woman appers to be a fantasy. The women who I looked up to here, PSULioness and Kellimc, no longer are around. And my story is not one of an in-control woman who told a man that I had a boyfriend, take it or leave it, but rather a generous man who reassured me that it was ok. Once again, thanks for your post setting me straight. Honest discussion is what I value here.

Our vacations to a nude beach is where we have many swinging encounters and we love it. Seems nudies are friendlier and you get to see them in their full glory. I know on other threads there is a debate about nudist and swingers. From our first time on a nude beach we have had offers to swing.