Leaderboard

Between the byob swing clubs and the houseparties we have seen some seriously inebriated Lifestylers. Don't be that couple!

We make it a point to drink very lightly at parties. Our go to drink is a white wine spritzer, meaning a little wine mixed in with some sparkling water in a tall ice-filled glass. It allows for the shared experience aspect of drinking while allowing for how "light" the pour, and the pour gets lighter with each subsequent prep. https://www.thespruceeats.com/white-wine-spritzer-759850 Experienced LS folks will generally agree that as experience accumulates, people ratchet down the amount of alcohol they bring and especially how much they consume. People who attend house parties typically need little (if any) of the social lubrication aspects of alcohol. They attend to have fun. Booze tends to dull that fun, not enhance it.

Yes, but the word we choose to use is "excited" Once again, think of it as excited and not terrified. One is a thrilling experience and the other is frightening. Absolutely...as you found out. This is why we always recommend that the first meeting be for drinks or dinner with both couples knowing that playing is not on the board. It takes the pressure off and lets everyone get the chance to just get to know each other. Afterwards, both couples can then decide if there will be a second meeting where things may (or may not) happen. Definitely takes the 'terrifying' and pressure out of the equation. This is something that we have always been surprised about...we are all there because we are interested in sex, yet all too often, nobody wants to bring it up. This is one of the more 'fun' thing we enjoy about swinging...being able to openly talk about sex with others. Yet, all too often, even though we are meeting another potential couple, they steer away from talking about sex (even though we keep trying to steer things back that direction). Meetings will become easier and you will both become more comfortable as you get used to doing them. We were the same way when we started, then realized that almost everyone feels the same when they started as well. It's all part of the adventure that the two of you have undertaken. Enjoy the ride as well as the destination...

House parties in the LS are usually full of good people, but more than once I've seen a bad apple or two sneak in, or someone gets drunk and acts poorly. One trick is to stay close to your spouse. I never let mine get more than ten feet away and out of my site unless I know and trust everyone. I only trust everyone in small hand-picked parties, generally. Don't drink much. As you know, alcohol is no friend to erections either. But drinking too much for a female can cause her to make poor decisions she'll regret later. 2s look like 10s when drunk. Don't worry too much. Treat it like a regular party and go in with no expectations. I know people who don't play at parties. We only play at parties with people we know well. Never with anyone knew. Doing that gives you an out, keeps you more relaxed and not stressed, and lowers chances you'll make a bad decision.

Wonderful stories and lessons.

Last night I ask Rocky if he read this about being terrified when we met others. He said I was always excited to meet, eager until we would get to the meetings. Most were fakes he reminded me and I looked relieved when we realized nothing was going to happen. Our first real meeting was with a great cpl we remain very close to. We called them and asked how I reacted when we Did It the first time. She said I was terrified and shy. I never thought of myself as shy, I might have had body issues, not 20 years old anymore. Even talking last night we relived with plenty of laughs how shy I was at first. She said I was trembling or shaking and very quiet, I wouldn’t take a towel off my waist. It was our first time doing this, the very first time letting a woman touch me. Rocky said I just closed my eyes and didn’t say a word when she used one of her toys on me, quiet for about 10 seconds and then biting my lip until I made my orgasm sounds. We were laughing again when Mrs Cpl said I pushed her head down making me bi and very quiet again. Laughing at my expense, I said I didn’t remember that. She said I still get shy when we play. No longer nervous like the first time I still get excited. I never thought of myself as shy.

It is called Paired: Couples and Relationship. Not sure if a link is allowed but i have put it below. https://play.google.com/store/search?q=paired&c=apps

Good on ya! 😊 It may have taken you some years to arrive at a consensually non-monogamous relationship, but you got there. I’m not among them, but some people don’t take long at all to enter into CNM status. I’ve posted on other threads about once playing — now about ten or more years ago — playing with a couple who were in their mid-80s and had in the late 1940s hosted an orgy on their wedding night. 😊💕 (By the time I played with them their bodies might have been aged, but their hearts certainly weren’t.)

We had sex on the first date, moved in together a couple weeks later, married a few months later.....and a couple of weeks ago we celebrated 40 years of marriage. It took a number of years to realize we liked sex with other people,

There is a reason that most who have discovered they CAN do it end up coming back for more. It's more of an occasional treat for us, in large part because any anal penetration is a closer for the night, but if you can find a good rhythm it is very intense for all parties. We tend to find DVP more enjoyable though and run with that whenever the opportunity presents.

What to expect? As ConfusedHubby indicated, every party is a little different. However, if you're not paying for it and the invitation is free (paid parties are entirely different,) you can expect a laid-back vibe to start, then a gradual warmup. Depending upon how many bedrooms there are, people may start pairing off, then as the night gets later it could get a little crazy. When you get there, evaluate how many single men are there. If there are a bunch, it may mean that the women could be treated as meat. Depending on what you want, that can be bad or good. If at any time from the very start until three o'clock in the morning, if it starts getting too weird and/or uncomfortable, get your clothes and get out; it's simply going to get weirder at that point. (Unless, of course, you want weird. Sometimes we embraced the weird, and had a great time.) As far as booze, the usual we observed is that everybody put their bottles at the place the bar was set up, and if you wanted a drink of whatever, feel free. The hosts had a tendency to supply the mixers. (Again, this is for non-charging parties.) Good luck, have fun.

Wouldn’t call it being played. I found a woman who loved crazy sex, got to marry her, and now we are both having extra fun. Yes we are both lucky. We stopped crazy sex with others for a few years after marriage then started with very little hesitation.

How fun. Thank you for sharing. I'm so excited for you all. Honestly if you never have sex with them, the experience is something you will remember and talk about for the rest of your lives...I HOPE. You note brought up such good memories for me. Cool!

Congratulations on a good first experience. It seems it left you considering more, that's all you really need. I would suggest that 'terrified' is not quite the right word you're looking for. 'Terrified' is what I am when I'm camping and a bear comes into the site and it looks at me and I know I'm gonna die. Perhaps, better words might be 'spooked', 'uneasy' or 'overwrought.' But they're your emotions, so if you really are terrified, I hope you don't get eaten by the bear.

There is so much truth and insight in this simple observation. Think hard about the notion of "very much like us". It starts with shared values. While your life experiences are unique, they brought you and the other couple to sufficiently similar realizations about yourselves, that you are now at the same threshold. Perhaps. What you are really thinking about here is the role of the mentor(s). We invite you to compare your/their journey into the LS with the monomyth or, as it is more commonly known, the Hero's Journey as conceptualized by Joseph Campbell in the middle of the 20th century. One of the standard questions meeting a new couple is, "How did you get started in the LS?" This is more than curiosity, and much more than mere conversation-filler. It is both an affirmation of shared experience and a curiosity about the variations on that journey. As you read about the Hero's Journey, you will come to realize that every person/couple who has experienced the LS has taken this journey. We have lived to tell the tale, and -- like all who are posting on the thread--are serving as sort of mentors-at-a-distance. Good luck!

Your feelings are understandable, but isn't it interesting that contemplating a totally natural (and pleasurable) act can bring on such feelings? It’s like you're planning a murder. We entered the lifestyle from a different direction, but I had no hesitancy having sex with someone else. It bothered me that my husband and boyfriend would. Until it didn't. Perhaps it shows I'm greedy and self-centered, but the guys were more than ok with it.

I left my terror feelings at the door and it followed me in. Meeting a couple that will work with your fears is what is needed. You are now on equal ground with another couple opening up to their fears. Jokes and laughing takes away the fear that every new situation brings not only sexual situations. You will always remember the first time you meet, your meeting was a success without sex, you made friends.

Relieved. I’m relieved, they are relieved. An hour before we were going to meet I got a text, can we talk? Followed by a call. She said they didn’t want to ghost us, they are having second thoughts. I burst out Thank You. I told her how terrified I was, I was still convincing myself that it would be fine. After exposing our fears she said they would still want to meet us just not for “you know”. 90 minutes later we met them at restaurant bar. Relieved. They looked better in IRL. Pictures were current. Conversation started slow with the men quiet, I tried to talk normal shit. I didn’t know how to start sex talk, when it did we tried to keep the talk low so nobody would hear us. Once we started the talk became funny and the men warmed up. It’s hard to say why we want to meet to others, I’m still asking myself. We all had sex stories to share finally leading what we would do if we did do it. Kissing, oral, condoms, we both are on the same bc. It was easy for me to admit sexual things I never told anyone, she was going head to head with her past. The guys weren’t as open they just laughed. Three drinks in I think I asked if he still wants to fuck me, she asked the same of us. Both guys said a big YES. No sex yet, we plan to meet and try this again. On the drive home I felt better and said if we met someone experienced we would like be swingers now. He asked me if would feel better that way. I was happy to know our new contact were very much like us, terrified and now relieved. We will find out if they liked us as much as we enjoyed our meet. I also know I will still be terrified if we make plans, and I am sure she will be too. Our adventure is to be continued. I’m sorry to disappoint anyone hoping for juicy graphic post.

Vulnerability accompanies many first-time events in life. Your first sexual experience. Your first child. If you are training to be a surgeon, your first operation. If you are a senior attorney, your first case argued before the highest court. If you are a pilot, the first time your instructor gets out of the airplane and tells you to fly it alone around the airport. We manage vulnerability by specifying our intentions, creating boundaries, and accepting that no one is going to be perfect "the first time around". This goes for hitting a golf ball, or writing an essay, or picking up a brush and palette and painting a first watercolor. The first non-monogamous experience in a marriage is one of those events. Am I risking my marriage? What if we don't like it? What if we do like it? What if it goes badly? What if I can't perform? What if the other couple thinks badly of us? And so on. You are "putting yourself out there". A reflection on those other vulnerable moments that went badly--maybe you were stood up for a date, or failed a test, or lost a job, or whatever--they look different in the rear view mirror. You picked yourself up, dusted yourself off, and asked what you learned from the experience. But on further reflection, you realize that those occasional vulnerable moments that went bad are swamped by all of the experiences that went really well. You enjoyed something new, you learned something about yourself, you (and those with whom you shared the experience) say "we did that!" Non-monogamy is the rule, not the exception, in marriage. Most of the time it's cheating. Here, you and your spouse have said "let's try this and see what it feels like". You have chosen to put a toe in the water together. It's consensual. That means you can lean on each other. And both of you can lean into a shared experience. The first time you drove a car, the angst was there. The first time you kissed someone romantically, the angst was there. The first time you said "I do", the angst was there. (I know. While Mrs. FL was getting hair and makeup done, I dealt with my pre-wedding jitters by going to buy a pair of athletic shoes. No, I did not wear them to the wedding. ) It's okay to have butterflies and wonder "how did we get to this point?" Just make sure you are clear with your spouse on intentions and boundaries. Then go have fun.

We met many first time swingers with cold feet and never faulted anyone for backing out. I always figured that a newbie will be nervous and ask many times before starting anything they will regret. Be careful as it’s not easy to stop, the others have to know when to stop. Hesitation is normal, you are doing the right thing talking and searching together. All you can do is pray the other party has discussed it too. We have met those where the male has made the decisions with the female only going along to satisfy her partners fantasy. Your original title asks about looking at photos and profiles, we are attracted to what attracts us. Our first filled the looks department, we even ended up with a well endowed male, don’t ask why, I swear it was Alan not me that noticed, he still says I saw it first. Believe me, don’t make an issue of that, look up not down. We also met curious women, curious not bi, they don’t all explore. Again don’t pressure and don’t be pressured. You implied you are younger, again a warning not all profiles are truthful, not all photos are current. I’m not sure how many are really in the 20s-early 30s more likely you will be contacted by those over 40. Being younger is a big positive if you decide that the lifestyle is for you, unfortunately our bodies age. The men in our current circle fortunately are up to the challenge for the most part, meds might be helping. The women have different challenges which making friends going through the same changes has been helpful. I haven’t had some of symptoms even if I know I’ve had others. If you are as young as I think you have years before you will notice. You are getting some good advice by some seasoned lifestylers, I hope I can help too, feel free to PM us. No, we aren’t looking anymore, our advice is us paying forward the advice we received. Good Luck and have fun, and be safe with your information.

There's a number of interesting points raised here. Physical attraction is important, but so is attraction in a number of other ways. It's really what you need and want that is important. Your stated criteria might be limiting, but it might not limit your opportunities. I think that depends on where you live/play. If you're in the middle of nowhere, with the first sizable (say, over 100k) town being three hours away, your criteria may result in nothing. If you live in a major city, your criteria might yield a thousand potential matches. As with anything, it's a balance to get to what you want. I don't see anything problematic with your approach, so long as it gets you the result you want. Obviously you won't know until you try. But in anticipation of that, you and you husband can consider different scenarios, think out different questions, and go deep into you desires and fantasies. If you do thin in AND out of the bedroom, it will help you along the way to understand yourselves better before actually playing with another couple. I had no idea if I would like seeing my wife have sex with someone else. When I was ~20, I was a pretty jealous person, to the point that I was bothered by my then girlfriend seeing a male gynecologist! Over the years since then, I've learned what a negative emotion jealousy really is; it's 99% bad and 1% good. Once we got into swinging, I didn't dislike or really enjoy my wife having sex with others until our third time. That time, she couldn't get enough of the guy she was having sex with. She had an absolutely amazing time, and the delicious sounds coming from her were glorious. I found it intensely erotic, and have in the many years since then always enjoyed watching her having sex when she clearly was having a good time. I used to ponder the "why" of it. I can't figure out "why". I gave up trying to figure it out a long time ago. It's like, you're not supposed to enjoy it but ...wow! For my wife, she's ambivalent about me having sex with other women. She's happy for me that I am, and encourages it, but she doesn't get anything negative or positive from it. It could be that you will find it very arousing to see your husband having sex with another woman. You might have an emotionally negative reaction while having an intellectually positive reaction. Some couples are like that; they are happy to have their spouses have sex with someone else, but they don't want to see it. So, they play separate room. You might find you don't like it at all. It's hard to know. The same goes for your husband. If you're otherwise comfortable with the notion of swinging, I would encourage you to give it a try, but...make sure you and your husband are on the same page in that it's an experiment you are doing together. If it doesn't work, it doesn't work. If it works for one and not the other, it doesn't work. You're together. It's a shared experience. It's ok if it doesn't work. Let us know how it all goes, whether you end up playing or not!

Congrats on taking the step. One thing I might comment on -- when my wife and I got started and were seeking our first experience, we also wanted others who were new to the lifestyle, believing in some way this common ground would make the first encounter more of a natural progression. What we ended up with was a lot of time wasters who would get cold feet when it came time to meet. Ultimately we opened our search to more seasoned lifestylers and this led to things actually moving along and it was less awkward being able to follow their lead. It didn't go perfectly, but it was a good experience overall and let us know we enjoyed swinging and desired to keep doing it. Good luck to you

Our camping was almost spiritual, enlightening bringing back to days we left behind. Everyone was new to us, even the ones who invited us we just met. We went with a very open mind with only our imagination letting us to what we might expect. Free spirited was a phrase used when told about one of the friends, quiet about the other. We found out free spirited was an understatement when we met, 1960s came to mind. Was that my parents when they met? Our day of hiking was tiring, we hadn’t hiked or camped in some time, it was also time to get to everyone. We felt as outsiders at first leading to a feeling that we were accepted. The free spirited friend took a liking to Lin at one point stopping, saying I Like You and giving Lin a very deep kiss. Lin looked at me and shrugged her shoulders, laughed and said I Like You Too. Campfire time started with some edibles and plenty of laughing, some eating, some wine and Lin and I telling our story. They told us they go camping a few times a year mostly with tents and we learned the other woman doesn’t have sex only giving oral to the guys. I think she was afraid to get naked because of being overweight, Lin later agreed. Sex!!! Connie, made up name, the free spirit said it was time for initiation. Okay you two, get your shorts off! She made sure we knew she wasn’t kidding as she unbuttoned Lin’s shorts. She took out a vape and passed it around, took it back and she said now be prepared. Told Lin to lean back and spread in a nice affirmative way. She took a big draw on the vape and blew the vapor on Lin’s crotch and said Nice Pussy and gave her a kiss right there. This had us all laughing until she shhh’d us and pointed to me and said Big Guy let’s see your cock here, took a another draw on the vape, blew the vapor on me, grabbed my dick and kissed my balls. Everyone was hysterical, again she quieted us and went back to Lin. Lin looked to me to join but Connie said just shut up and be ready to enjoy a magic tongue. Of course much more laughing and I was finally brought into the fun.