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RANT warning: It really amazes me that mature adults, especially LS mature adults seem to see sexual freedom as somehow opposed to monogamy. Monogamy literally means to be married to one. Mono(one) + Gameo ( I marry). The concept that this group , especially , sees marriage in gonadal terms gives me a headache. That fact that the partnership of marriage is far more than just genital contact gets lost. When I read posts here , as individuals, most of the poster have a handle on the reality. As soon as the discussion turns to general terms there seems to be a reversion to how things were perceived in high school. As individuals many of us see ourselves and express that we see ourselves as faithfully and passionately married to our partners. This partnership for us includes giving each other the gift of sexual variety. Am I truly missing something? There is only one adult for whom I would willingly give my life, the one who I have entrusted my life to , when there was a medical situation in which I would not be able to make my own decisions. That is the partner with whom my fate is married. Those I have had sex with have all been good people. Some of them have been more intimately involved on a deeper level. One of whom I loved in a way not possible without my wife's approval. With all of that , my reality is still very much monogamous. Perhaps my problem stems from my belief that there is a substantial difference between a sexual freedom lifestyle and its subset which is swinging, in that swinging involves couples. The couple dynamic is unique in the game. Of course there is overlap. One of our favorite playmates is a single male. In my mind though,we are swinging , he is just one very lucky single guy that my wife likes, who happens to play very well in an MFM scenario. The way things are sometime discussed marriage is some how less, or limiting. I do not believe that to be the case.

We joined experienced friends when we were entering our 40s a time when we both felt secure in our sexuality. Now that I look back I’m not that secure in my memory or secure in watching my wife having sex with others and me worrying if I could keep up with others. Over time my insecurities faded while we experimented looking for new thrills pushing our own boundaries, I became more comfortable in myself and my fears. Now entering a new age decade,(midlife?) new fears have emerged. My wife entering into changes has scared her. We laugh off the inevitable changes that face us that go way further from greying. We are just like everyone else with changes in age and changes in bodies, how have all of you dealt with the inevitable?

I think that is an interesting suggestion. I will run it by my wife. When we think about, we can get three out of four on board, but four is difficult. Usually the other couple’s wife is the veto if we can analyze it.

We usually host or play with other experienced swingers, but in a few days we find ourselves hosting newbies. Very nice, very attractive couple. We don’t want to scare them or turn them off. Any ice breaking ideas or advice for us? We have a hot tub for before or after. We can take it easy on the sex part. They may surprise us and be ready for anything. Ideas?

Oldswinger and hunterdon are touching on our reality. As we age, our relationships with LS couples have also changed. No one wants to feel pressured, everyone wants to feel their own level of comfort, satisfaction, and pleasure. It’s no longer about “hooking up” but rather about being present/with. It’s not about soft swing or hard swing, but rather about enjoying the time with others on whatever level. It’s a different sort of chemistry, less of an ignition or explosion and much more of a slow burn.

^^^ Second this ^^^. Sure, there are swingers that started by swinging with friends, but, once again, there is a HUGE risk associated with doing that. On top of the above points, all too often, the friend isn't of the same swinger 'mind frame'. Ms. Gold and her ex started out with swinging with friends...and the friends husband 'fell' madly, obsessively in love with her. If you are okay with the possible risks, then go for it...we feel the risks are just too great so we find other swingers to become friends with (in the end, you still end up with friends that you swing with). As for jealousy: the more you communicate, the more open and honest you are with your partner, the more that they know you are totally committed to them and that you are not interested in finding someone 'better', the less the jealousy becomes. Jealousy is something that is born from a lack of trust and honesty. The greater the love and trust, the less jealousy has to 'feed' on until it just fades away.

For us, as we ages, we sought fewer new couples and had a few couples who we saw on a regularly scheduled basis. It was more relaxed, which fit where we were at the time.

That 4-way chemistry does seem harder to attain past a certain age. I mentioned in another post how these days we have more 3sums than 4sums. I think that's partly bc 3-way chemistry is a lot easier than 4-way chemistry. Plus, as we mature we tend to take on change - new things and new people - more cautiously. And I know you recently moved from NJ to FL, so you are starting from scratch. Do you think you would be happy and have more success if you shopped around for a single rather than a couple?

I understand a wittol to be a man who knows of his wife’s extramarital affairs and tolerates them. Wittols don’t typically get involved. Wittols turn a blind eye to their wife’s infidelity. Wittols don’t get off on their wife fucking other men. Stags get off on their wife fucking others, whether they do it together or she sees others by herself. Stags also join in when they want. Stags can take an active or passive role in their wife fucking other men. Lastly, not all men who get off on their wife fucking other men are consider themselves stags, either. Some just like MFM threesomes or MFMF couple swapping.

Hope you have fun Sunday!

Well, we were supposed to have round 2 with our newbie friends tomorrow night, but they texted us that they are unsure if swinging is for them. We are going out to dinner with them anyway. We like them as friends, but benefits are often better. Back to the dating pool. We are meeting a couple on Sunday with whom we often misfired with on SLS ( meetings cancelled, missed, etc.) They seem nice.

Does your style of play change as you age into your fifties, sixties, seventies or even beyond? Yes, of course it does. Your body acts differently, and your mind begins to do funny things with the rest of you. That's inevitable. But . . . that certainly doesn't mean that sex isn't fun anymore. Like everything else, it's all in your attitude.

Is the desire to sexually be with a black person racist? It's not racist to prefer that your partners be blond, or have facial hair, or large (or small) breasts, or . . . (fill in your own blank here.) So, if the only reason you want to have inter-racial sex is because you think it might be fun, I don't think that makes you bad - or a racist.

Always love hearing about whenever Joe and Shannon meet with your family. What I would like to know is, Did Lora or Shannon ever get DP from both of the guys and do you enjoy being fucked by Joe or getting cleaned up by Shannon?

In our sixties, things don’t work as well as they used to. We take a melange of medications and lotions to keep things elevated and lubricated. Even my voracious appetite for new connections is waning. We may be reduced to a few couples with whom we have a bond.

We're well into our 50s now. Before menopause, my wife's sexual appetite was fairly frequently very high. Swinging was a good fit for us, as it allowed her to have as much sex as she wanted, usually as often as she wanted it. After menopause, my wife's sexual appetite sadly began to fade. She's at a point now where she has no objection to swinging in principle, but it holds no interest for her. It's fine if I play, and she's happy with that. My own appetite hasn't diminished, just Mr. Happy's ability to keep at it through multiple orgasms. I also take a low dose cialis, which serves well. I have a lady (in addition to my wonderful wife) with whom I have sex about a dozen times a year. She's our age, post menopausal, but her sex appetite hasn't diminished at all.

Our friends are all about the same age, we did search for younger. I only took viagra to see what it does not because I need it. The women in our group are more concerned with hormone changes and hot flashes and lubrication, that’s life.

I doubt the black men you enjoyed harbor any ill will or regrets.

We started young (around 30) and back then we were attractive, insatiably horny and energetic. Now we're in our 50s. We try to stay in shape and watch what we eat. I take Viagra now and I get pretty tired if I'm playing past midnight. When we play with couples we usually like them mature like us bc we don't want to pale by comparison. But when we play with single males we like them 10 or so years younger - and we seem to play with a lot of single males these days.

As racist as this is the attraction to the unknown is real. Intellectually we know how wrong searching out a partner based on the BBC stereotype is, many white women have a fantasy and many men feed into what was that forbidden buck. Even answering here feels wrong with that expression. I feel guilty that we searched to fulfill a fantasy that is so wrong.

Interesting about showering together. A morning quickie is a regular thing in our poly family, but regardless of who does what with whom, two of us will shower together to discuss the day's plan. Except the guys, they'll put their dicks in the same woman at the same time, but have never showered together. Lora and I are the only ones who piss on one another. After one of us loses our contrived, BDSM "fight" it's into the shower, the loser goes down on knees or hands and knees to be pissed on. Afterwards we kiss, clean each other up, then make love.

Repeat the mantra, "women run the LS". They make all of the decisions and have absolute veto power.

I think the woman of the couple is often more picky. It’s been the downfall of some of our recent couplings and it gives our male, who is confident in his appearance, personality and sexual abilities, a complex.

I don't really get the race part of it either but it clearly is very much a real thing. Seems to be big in porn so perhaps that's what made it popularized.