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Life has many paths with some roads leading back to the starting line. Eight years ago I spent a night with a college friend and her boyfriend after a snowstorm at a football game. Plenty has happened to me since that night, engagement, learning some friends were swingers, getting married, an open marriage, a pregnancy that was terminated, a divorce, an abusive relationship and lots and lots of therapy. My life returned to what some call normal, dating men and occasional women. That original friend married, not the boyfriend I knew, had disappeared from my life and now reemerged. Not the scene of the crime she called and asked if I wanted to join her and her husband to the football game at our school. Reluctant to be “used” and anxious to feel free, I agreed. I found out another sorority sister my ex and I had played with had also married, a guy I never met, were also going to the game. The hardest part was reliving my last few years, I only gave an abbreviated retelling. With that all told both of the husbands couldn’t have been sweeter to me.

There was a couple my wife and I occasionally swing with that had trouble in their marriage. They were a good looking couple, in their late 30s, and they already had 3 kids, when we first starting swinging with them. At the time, my wife and I had no idea they were going through trouble, we just assumed they were just ordinary newbies. After 2 years of swinging with them, they actually opened up about their marital problems they had before, but now they're a happy couple again. Now, long story short about their marital problem was, the husband and wife weren't spending a lot of time together, the husband focused a lot of time in his work, the wife focused on their kids and work, vacation became rare for them, and their sex life was "meh". One very sad moment in their life was when it was their anniversary, and they did nothing to celebrate it at all. When they began swinging with me and my wife, they started spending more time together, like going out to dinner more, taking time off work more to be with family, or even just going on a hike together as a couple. And of course, they even told us that their sex life gotten way better since they started swinging with us. Now, would y'all be surprised if y'all accidentally saved a marriage through swinging? Because my wife and I were pretty surprised, but very happy for them.

Thank you for kind words. I never left “here”, I would check in from time to time holding off posting. Without contributing I was able to read posts from a different perspective wondering what was real and what was fantasy. I am pretty sure I know. There are a number of members who have given me support, I have even allowed myself to open up to one very special couple. Several years ago we met them, they knew about my original problem and gave me full support. I just found it easier to talk to an older woman, about 20 years older telling her things I had a hard time explaining to my friends. It is her who said I should come back here to post my thoughts. She understands that I need to clear my head without direct contact, a healthy way to express my thoughts even though I do see a professional. I am finally feeling healthy enough to regain my life and enjoy that life again. Thank you for your support.

I would call it Lesbian before I experienced it and when I did it was hard to accept that I enjoyed. After many same sex experiences I now call it sex just like sex with a man. Other than the obvious act I can only have with a man the sex with a woman is just as fulfilling.

Three remarks. 1. The success of such "vanilla life" events for the swinger community should be noted. Lifestyle cruises are mostly vanilla experiences in the company of like-minded people. There is clearly a market for ordinary experiences in extraordinary company. 2. Swingers like being in the company of other swingers for many reasons. Part of it is authenticity and candor. Part of it is that LS people are generally happy. Part of it is the fantasy of imagining being with this or that couple in some other setting, typically with fewer clothes and rather more horizontal. 3. Such vanilla events for non-vanilla people are, as the OP so nicely illustrates, low risk and high reward. The risk is the time. There is the possibility that there will be no follow-up. The reward is that there might be a "why don't we get together for drinks or dinner?"--along with the benefit of not having to guess whether their pictures or profile match the people who will actually show up.

Male half here. My wife and I have been to clubs on three different continents … at least half a dozen times at the one in Fayetteville, NC before they lost their lease. We’ve been to a weekly house party in our hometown at least a dozen times. Finally, we’ve been on one Bliss lifestyle cruise. Never — NOT EVEN ONCE — have we felt pressured by ANYbody to do ANYthing! The people who go to clubs and parties are generally unfailingly friendly and polite. I’m not saying you won’t be approached about hooking up, but all you have to say is, “Thank you, but this is our first time and we’re just here to get our feet wet.” 95% will simply say OK and wish you a good evening. As for the other 5%, report them to the “authorities” who’ll at least give them a good “talking to” if not toss them. And if you can find an on premises club and you’re not yet ready to hook up, just snag a playroom and the two of you make your own fun. That’s what we did on our first 3-4 visits to the club in Fayetteville and the same number at the local house party. It’s really exhilarating and kinda naughty to be screwing your brains out with your own partner while hearing the music and people walking by outside wondering who’s in that room and exactly what they’re doing in there. So don’t fear the club and party scenes … go and you’ll almost certainly have a grand time.

I recently answered a post stating my #1 sexual thought was a 25 year old. Let me clear up that thought. If I am just looking for sex I want someone younger, good looking and quickly hard. If I am looking to have a fun night I enjoy a few friends who I can relate to who also enjoys us. Swinging is as much social as sexual. Sex for sex is Sex.

I separate swinging and swapping. Swinging is sex for sex without attachment of enjoying being with a partner. Swinging is detached sex. Swapping is much more intimate sex. There are those who will take exception when I say swapping is making love with your partner. I’ve been told love is not a healthy function of the lifestyle, I disagree. I enjoy making love which is not the same as being in love. Alone with a partner is not rushed sex, it is touching and kissing and even talking without any outside pressure.

Age is not a barrier to having an active role in the lifestyle. A friend of mine, sadly no longer living, for a couple of decades organized with her husband (and after his death by herself) sex parties that attracted people from their 30s up through their 60s and in some cases significantly older. If you are breathing and reasonably healthy there’s no reason you shouldn’t be enjoying partnered sex into your 90s. (My brother-in-law walked in on my 85-year-old mom and her 92-year-old boyfriend engaged in missionary intercourse.) I’ve posted elsewhere on the board that about ten years ago, when I was in my mid-60s, at a party I played with a couple in their mid-80s. (They celebrated their marriage in the late 1940s by hosting an orgy on their wedding night.) I’m in a longterm ENM marriage and regularly play with one couples in their late 50s / early 60s and another who are in their 40s.

I prefer shaved. Not fond of choking on hair. A radio shock jock said no one shaved when he went to college. He said oral sex on a woman was like wrestling Chewbacca.

My wife never came during swinging. It was all foreplay for when we were alone afterwards. She also never cums with penetration. Everyone is different and just accept who you are.

Swinger couples often have good decision making ability. Deciding when and with whom to play requires executive decision making skills.

I wonder if the swinging is the operative Factor here. Someone once said something to the effect of if you want to be successful hang out with successful people and do what they do. We have had the experience the people's marriages have been helped in one way or another by hanging out with us. I think that is largely because they modeled some behaviors that we have that we think of as just good marital hygiene. If you are married and happy about being with your partner and having fun to boot that can't help but rub off on people that are around you.

To this day I prefer separate rooms for a number of reasons. I’m not sure how long ago we swapped partners on a cruise, 9 or 10. The morning after that night I went back to my cabin and saw the other wife, who is now a good friend in bed with my husband. Thinking now I was jealous, we were younger and she is beautiful. I think another reason was while my night was perfect the next time I had sex with the man I made love to it was in front of my husband and the sex was not love making it was me being fucked in front of others, completely different. On that same cruise I was watched while a woman spread my legs. I know my husband loved watching us and enjoyed watching me having sex with the husband. Since that trip and our first swap we did swapping and we did parties. I also had sex with other women both in front of others and alone privately. The sex is much different alone. I discussed the reason with my husband many times and understood. When I have sex in front of him or in front of others I feel submissive. I let others take the lead more than I do. I suppress my enjoyment or orgasms, like can you suppress and orgasm. When alone I feel freer to be me, I’m not dominant just not as submissive. The part about watching my husband or watching others at a party is not that exciting. I don’t think I’m jealous watching my husband, I could say I’m more jealous of women who look great then I say I still look pretty damn good too. I just feel better without being watched or watching.

This is certainly not unheard of. Shore2please has written several good posts about it. Quoting one: "I am a wife who rather swap in separate rooms. I don’t want to watch what goes on between my husband and the other woman... I watched my husband and his [the other man's] wife. I think I wanted to turn away, I couldn’t. Ladies how do you feel watching?" Although I get incredibly jealous, I OTOH, act on my jealousy and enjoy it.

We all (David, Lora, Red, Clair, and I) are still playing fairly frequently with Joe and Shannon. At first they mostly stayed in a hotel near us for foursomes, up to all seven of us together for sex. (It took two babysitters to watch all our kids.) Now, those from our family visit them one or two at a time for threesomes or separate room MF or FF overnight play. So yes, you are correct. An occasional fuckfest has it's place, but alone for a night is special. Including that moment of the first morning kiss with my husband after we both spent the night being with another.

We are a small, exclusive club of testicle connoisseurs. Women such as us should have an annual event where presentations are made and the finer points of our appreciations are discussed. Live offerings, critiques, judgments, awards. The Best Scrotum Award would be named for the French author Honoré de Balzac. I too will look at a naked man's balls when at a nude spa. That's why I feel compelled to part my legs slightly if a man stares at me. It's only fair.

Apropos to our recent trip to the south of France we were invited to join friends plus two couples we didn’t know to share an AirBnb for 10 days. We know our friends in many sexual ways always having great times. Thinking about group sex and one on one sex it is different. I never thought being alone with a single woman as being with a lover. During our vacation we each did spend at least one night alone with a partner, one I felt I was stuck with. I was happy she fell asleep and let me sleep. I never let on that the night wasn’t great, she was more fun outside the bedroom. The only one I told was Lin who didn’t complain about any of the men.

Clearing your mind of negativity is very cathartic. Positive thoughts and meditation also helps. I have a kalyana mitta who has been a guide and facilitator for me.

A very good article. I have two thoughts: First, we did not have to deal with introducing our children to a polyamorous family. They were born into into it. (The only exception was that Lora joined our family after the first two were born to Clair and me, but they were young.) It is totally natural for each of our children to have five parents, three moms and two dads. Compared to other kids, they feel lucky. They also comprehend that they have biological parents, but it's not something that they dwell upon with regard to us adults, more as to who among them are half-siblings, genetically unrelated, or in one case, full-siblings. (Lora and I have two children, one each with David and Red; Clair has three - one with Red and two with David.) The oldest are now aware of what sex is and that it happens among us adults, but only to the extent that any kids know that parents have sex behind closed doors. Second, as to others, there are two parts to it. The first is lawyers and making the legal aspects as secure as possible. I won't go into that, other than we've done a lot of work. The second is our relationship with schools and healthcare folks. We did our research and screen, then meet with them, bringing in members of our family. For doctors and nurses, the tone was set when Clair (who was the first to get pregnant) went in for her pre-natal exam accompanied by David who is the father, and me, David’s wife. It was explained that we were all good with it and excited to be raising this child together. Similarly when I got pregnant and went in to the gyno introducing Red as the father and David as my husband. Same with school. People know that the familial relationship is broader than the genetic. Each of the children has been brought in, picked up, and supported along the way by each of us adults as their parents, regardless of the biological relationship, and have authority over each of them. (There's legal stuff involved.) We adults strive to never inadvertantly contradict one another to avoid even a hint of conflict. Overall, it's not much different than step-parents and the like, but it's concurrent rather than sequential relationships. It seems normal. It is normal.

We started by going to a nude beach with others, we were in our thirties and I had my doubts being nude with people we just met. My take is nudity, and seeing all shapes, ages and types is an equalizer. For me I gained confidence and raised my self image. As I age I am becoming more self critical so I work at it.

Being alone with one lover. We started swapping spouses in separate cabins on a cruise and to this I prefer swapping to partying. My favorite is still my first who lives far enough away that it’s not an obsession. Since that first we have attended parties with group sex where I feel I am not myself, a little inhibited. If we are swinging give me one partner for the night alone in a private room. I’m not one who enjoys being passed around or looking for multiple partners just for a sex act.

Mad, angry. Talk no, yelled, cursed. I never thought of being a swinger. I only thought of sex as something I did with a boyfriend not being outgoing I was more shy, not sexually overactive. In retrospect I became less sexual and used. I didn’t have great sex at the time, it was expected sex. I’m thinking I pretended that sex with him was fun. It was so long ago all I can remember was that damn camera.

At the time, I was a supervisor in the camera section at a Best Buy, and young(er) couples would come in looking for video cams. As I'd been trained, one of my first questions was "And what are you planning to make movies of?" The looks and blushes were wonderful . . .

My wife eating pussy while getting it doggy from the husband while the wife gives me head!!!!

You are looking for the other 1 in a billion?

Thank you for still being around. You're part of our community, and we would sorely miss you. We're all in your corner, and cheering for you!

As with most seemingly simple questions, the answers are rather more complex. There are really two questions here. The first, how long do couples keep swinging, admits to a range of answers. Some never try it, some try it once, some are off and on, some see it as a hobby, some see it as part of their identity as a couple. Longevity in the LS generally means one of the last three categories. If you have met one couple, you have met one couple, which explains the two questions--how did you start in the LS and (more often implied than posed) what keeps you here? The second, about 55+. Passion has no expiration date. The question becomes why is there attrition at 55+? More often than not, it's for health reasons, or for loss of interest by one or the other partner. It's usually not because there is a problem with the relationship. Marriage specifically and relationships generally have an arc; there's plenty of literature on this. What we do not see in older couples long in the LS is a threat of "grey divorce"--they are generally happy with themselves, happy with each other, happy in their relationship. We know plenty of couples who were in sexless or otherwise unhappy first (and even second) relationships who seem quite happy and content to be in the LS with their current (and often final) relationship. We'll add that older couples in the LS tend to look after each other and make sure that health and wellness are prioritized. What does tend to change with age is the character of LS behaviors. The excitement of finding the next couple wears thinner, and many older couples have people they know well, have travelled with or encounter in groups and so on. The reason is that in the seventh and eighth decades of life (60s and 70s) there is a natural tendency to simplify and declutter life. The awareness that at least 2/3 of life is past triggers a focus on "what matters to us". Usually it is not NSA sex but rather sustaining and deepening relationships. You are not "late to the party", but it does beg the question "what has happened that has catalyzed curiosity and interest now?"

It’s a Groucho Marx moment that if I answer a big dick matters most, you answer I am terrible in bed. And if I answer that it is better to do a good job, you then welcome me to the little dick club. I am sure the boys can offer advice, but when it comes to size, it is just the tip of the iceberg. The ladies are the ones that rule here. And each woman can need to orgasm through different stimuli. For example, in the film “Porn Star: The Legend of Ron Jeremy (2001)”, the protagonist claims some women can only orgasm through clockwise clitoral stimulation, while for others it is counterclockwise. For small vaginas, there can only be small penises. Accordingly, a tight vagina feels nice, but a loose one also signals anything goes and can let loose a MILF fantasy. We tend to be so self-conscious. At the end if the day men are visually focused and women are more into foreplay. Why are women like ovens? Because you have to turn on the heat before you put in the meat. What you have got right is a wet vagina, its play time! My take is that the largest sexual organ is the mind. If you can have intense conversation, or fantasies, then the physical follows.

Based on attire of some guests ( 40DDDs hanging out, several people knew each other and gave traditional swingers kiss on lips. Hearty laughter at sexual innuendos.

I've told the story many times before but to repeat, before Daniela and I got married she had relationships with many married men. Her motives were complicated and she did it for her own satisfaction as well, but primarily she got involved with these guys to help their marriages. She listened, gave them psychotherapy, pointed out all the good characteristics of their wives, bought gifts for the husbands to give their wives, performed sex acts they never got at home and fucked their brains out. And from what Daniela has told me, these marriages improved. To me it's actually pretty simple - getting good sex from Daniela improved their mood so they were nicer to their wives.

They have a kid who is in college, so they have been married at least around twenty years. Yeah, that was terrible, inhumane. It never could be easy, but they should have been civil. The groom was so upset that he threatened them, stalked them, and restraining orders were involved. (BTW, I know them both, but only met several times.) No comments about this? It is the reason I posted the story; she was serious. Her attitude surprised me, but I guess it shouldn't. I do not know her outside of work, and she hasn’t discussed her romantic/sex life with me. She isn't married, engaged, or going steady, but mentions three boyfriends who spends the night or travels with her. ("I was late this morning because I stayed with Stephen.") And the boyfriends apparently have other partners as well, who she nonchalantly accepts. ("I wanted to see Stephen this weekend, but he was with Suzie.") My point is that although she may not be in the lifestyle, the lifestyle open-mindedness is in the vanilla world. She thought that the bride and best man going for "one last fling before the ring" was normal.

I most definitely do! Balls are incredible to play with, feel, explore, lick, smell, taste, suck, oh my goodness I am so addicted to sucking balls now. The way they feel in my mouth, as you mentioned, each so different in so many ways. Love seeing a good set of balls on a man. Love seeing them swaying, swinging and I love feeling the weight of them. My husband says it is like that for him with our breasts and butts. I get that now.

I meant this as a joke and now you have gotten me excited and it's become a fantasy...

Same problem for me occasionally with much shorter. A guy like that would be welcomed in my bum, but not my pussy. No chance of bottoming out. It's diameter, not length that feels good in my cunt.

Katrina here: If you argue for your limitations, they become yours. Consider that they might be just as concerned, stepping outside of their normal playgroup. Remember, this is all about having fun. Sex is the question and Yes is the answer. One time we were at a house party. I met this couple and thought this should be fun and were chatting them up. The husband then says to me,"I guess I'm trying to impress you". My reply was,"If you're trying to impress me , neither of us is going to have any fun". His wife laughed so hard, we of course ended up in bed with them.

My recurring thought is either of our guys with his dick in my pussy (doggy or missionary) and my lips and tongue on either Clair's or Lora's freshly sloppy pussy from the other guy. Fortunately, it happens often.

Miss you Alura!

This is the part that is concerning. You say it was consensual but you regretted it. I am not a fan of rough sex but my GF is. As a matter of fact, she is the one who actually introduced it to me. But a lot of that rough sex (or you can call it S&M or whatever the official name of it might be) is like you said, abusive sex (at least to me). Now she has sexual partners (many of who are my friends) who can fulfill that for her. While she enjoys it, it is still nonetheless "abusive sex," albeit consensual. And I think you're right that the more you let them have, the more abusive, humiliating, degrading, etc., they want. So it's "consensual" but where does it really stop when you keep giving up more and more like that? I've looked into this with my GF and it's a real thing with some women who are submissive and a lot of the play is classified as "consensual non-consent." Neither of us judge each other or others but in my head I do question this type of stuff. How can you consent to something that you don't actually consent to? Not only can it be dangerous but I think the fact that it's on video can create additional problems. While she consents to all of this stuff on video, I always think about the regret down the line.

We will continue to be here for you and anyone else looking for help. Just happy to see that you found your way back here. You were missed...

We started when we were 53. Yeah, people swing well into their sixties, many even further.

I've told the story before of a girl in our high school who was selected to attend college classes in an accelerated academic program for intellectually advanced high school students. She did very well, including aggressively pursuing a professor and having an affair that continued for two years through high school. She thought boys her age were immature and uninteresting. She knew what she was doing. She did what she did with him on her terms and ended it when she went off to college, because she was ready to move on. Now years later she looks back on the whole thing as the most exhilarating experience of her life. BTW, she now has a Ph.D., is married with three children, and yes, her husband knows. BTW, only one other girl in my school and I knew what Kathy was doing. We were proudly nerdy girls who supported each other, in this case by covering for her as needed. (Because of this, we, as Kathy’s confederates, got to attend events we otherwise wouldn’t have.) My parents liked Kathy because she was extremely respectful to them. Kathy’s parents were the kind who allowed her to venture out and explore. They checked a lot on her wellbeing and her grades (more generally her academic performance, which was stellar), but otherwise trusted her. Her mom was the kind who took her to her gyno when she was fifteen so she could get on The Pill, although I don’t believe her parents expected that she would have an affair with an older guy. They were the chill parents every high schooler wishes they had, but they did have high expectations (K was an athlete too.) Relationships of this type can be, and likely usually are, exploitative but with many years hindsight and subsequent discussions with her, it seems Kathy had most of the power in the relationship. "Men can be so needy."

I will say, speaking as a male and not a male from couple.. maybe I am very unpopular with my opinion in this but I prefer condoms with casual hook ups or meet ups. Not trying to be a rude sucker but even though I fantasize about bareback and cumming inside wives all the time, the reality for me is too get too know couples better before I will every do that. So in my answer, bareback is possible and would love it but I rather stick with condoms.

For both my wife and I, one of the happiest things about swinging is trying to understand what a partner - particularly a new partner - is willing to do, is wanting to do and is hoping to do. From the very first moment of the meet, a good lover - and we've both had dozens (in her case scores) - excites you, incites you. This works both ways. If your partner is looking forward to the first unbuttoning of a shirt, the unzipping of a zipper, you're halfway there, and all you have to do is keep going. How do you do that? Look for clues - they are there! A touch of a shoulder, a quickening of a breath, a fiery glow of the eye - these are all signals that your prospective partner wants you to go further. Yes, each person is different - and on different nights, each person might be different from the night before. It's up to you to discover their wants, to incite them to sexual fervor. And for you, the reward is their completion.

You are correct that in one regard, women have it easy. If a guy can't get hard and keep it up, it's his fault. If the woman he's with isn't aroused, doesn't get wet, doesn't orgasm, it's his fault. (Although the guys in our house are lucky, we women are easily aroused and orgasm.) Further, men fret far more about the size of their dick (length, thickness) than women (or men) are concerned about the tightness of her vagina. You never hear a guy complain that a pussy was so loose that he couldn't orgasm. Finally, when a woman goes a second time with a fresh partner, time to celebrate sloppy seconds. When a fresh woman gets a man who has just gone a round with another woman, however, even if he can do it there's little to no cum.

Update We got back on the horse and tried again. We had a guy come over to our house this time. Everything started and everyone was involved. I was struggling again to get hard, but I took everyone‘s advice and persevered. I supported my wife through everything and she was incredible in making sure I never felt left out. we had gone in with the thought that she would definitely perform oral on the guy but we didn’t put any pressure on ourselves to go the whole way. After 45 mins of kissing, fingering and my wife sucking his dick I was still struggling to get hard. But then something just clicked. I relaxed a little and my wife was being absolutely incredible. I got rock hard and once my wife saw she wanted me to fuck her. I fucked her so hard and I was totally engrossed in the whole thing and actually started to take control of the whole situation. I fucked my wife some more while she sucked his dick and then I was actually the one to hand the guy a condom so he could fuck her. I watched him do it and I loved it and even though it didn’t last anywhere near as long as either of us wanted it to it was still amazing We are closer now than ever before and our relationship feels so much stronger. Thank you all so much for the advice

My number 1 sexual thought is hoping that the female that I will be with is as nasty and filthy as I am. Willing to do anything, anytime, and talk as dirty as I will. I think that we all want an overly enthusiastic partner.

Laura and I often started in separate rooms with our playmates. Well, there were variations. For instance, my wife once fucked Mr. Playmate in his pickup truck parked in our driveway, while Mrs. Playmate and I were in the den. Then we'd do a "same bed" thing for an encore. They were different events! Although we certainly would not call "separate rooms" love-making, it was a bit more personal with our switched partners, no one to think about but each other. We'd keep the same partners when together as a foursome but laughing, joking, doing outrageous things became the focus. After we had fucked ourselves silly for an evening and were in bed just the two of us, Laura and I always managed to talk about the evening and make love. (Our swing friends did, too.) That glorious feeling was our reason for being swingers.

I have so many it's hard to sort it all out. But, upon reflection I guess it's a tie between watching my wife receive pleasure from others and me being a large group puppy pile.

Great question, enhancer! For me, I think it's not so much any particular sexual act as it is the mind-fuck that leads up to it. The thing that probably gets me going more than anything is seeing "that look" on my intended playmate's face - the look that tells me that I just did or said something that made him lose his composure, that tells me just how much I affect him. That's the first part of it. The second part is similar: it's the tension in that moment when you move through the personal space barrier, and go from imagining what it's like to kiss this other person, to actually doing it. To go from imagining to knowing. I find it very difficult to break down into any particular sex act because, to me, they're all so interrelated. One act leads so naturally to another. I'm a sensual creature, and I love soaking in that heady experience of getting to explore someone new. So I guess if I had to break it down to a particular act that I orbit around, it would be sensual touching/teasing and kissing. It's a case of less-is-more, where a single well-timed touch, look or word would set me off.